Finding...? Me!

2009-12-28T23:40:00.002-06:00

My grandma says to me tonight, “So I hear you have a boyfriend?” D'oh, slaps forehead. Been talking to mom have we? Oy vey. She just wants me to be as happy as she was with grandpa. Sounds good to me. She's lonely during the holidays too she says, she and grandpa used to have so much fun this time of year. I wonder if she noticed the hitch in my voice as I held back tears while we chatted about old times? That's what we always do, along with her telling of morbid old lady jokes that make me belly laugh and realize that growing old really can be done gracefully. Thank you for the call Grandma, I needed that tonight. So apparently the old potted pine tree grandpa hauled into the house each Christmas was bought the year their oldest child Steve was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I had no idea. It's been planted in the backyard ever since it got too big to bring in the house and is now as tall as the telephone wires. I always thought it was so kewl they had their own Christmas tree to use each year. Of course there was always lots of kewl stuff at grandma and grandpa's house. I saw a remake of the 50's something Barbie in Walmart the other day. Y'know, the one with red, curly hair and a black and white striped one-piece bathing suit? Grandma had that original little gem in the toy box in the poolroom, and even made hand crocheted dresses for the dolls. My cousin Alex and I used to spend hours digging through that toy box and playing Barbies. Oh, and the elaborate blanket forts we made under the pool table! So many fun memories from grandma and grandpa's house...

Em insists she'll bare me no grandchildren, which I'm fine with until she's about 30 or so, but beyond that it's just cruel! The lil' heifer, sheesh.

2009-12-25T22:12:00.003-06:00

Christmas is so lonely for me now. I miss family Christmases from my childhood. I miss having somewhere to go and people to be with. Even with Bub we had family come visit or to go visit. But now my brother and sil go to her dad's on Christmas, my dad has his own family and Em and I have... each other. It's still not the same though... I was so desperate last Christmas that Em and I actually went to Bub's parents' house just so we'd have family to spend it with. Bub wasn't there of course, and it was nice not to be alone, but it still wasn't what I was looking for. This year we just stayed home, and I thought I would be okay, but the lonliness has set in so here I am. I don't want to spend anymore Christmases alone; I don't want to spend anymore anythings alone. The coming year is going to be one of change for me. It seems I need to do that every so often just to shake things up and give myself some purpose so now it's time again.

about damn time

2009-12-23T23:32:00.000-06:00

Sometimes trying to raise an emotionally unstable child is simply more overwhelming than I can bear. There are days when it is never ending. Then there are days when she is only just out of control enough to keep me off balance. The day in and day out struggle is exhausting, truly. I am, however, grateful that she is self aware, unlike Bub. Typically after a “bad day” she can at least admit to the irrational behavior and show sincere remorse. On the flip side though, she's taken to using her chemical imbalance as an excuse as in, “I can't help it, I have problems”. And to some extent that is true, but it remains her burden and responsibility to keep herself in check. A few weeks ago she decided she didn't need her meds anymore. I knew something was up as I watched her deteriorate but I didn't realize what it was until she confessed during an emotional outburst that left her rocking violently whilst crying uncontrollably. I often wonder if she would have been different had I gotten her out of that environment sooner, or if this would have been her fate regardless, simply for being Bub's child? There has been progress, don't get me wrong, but I still long for more good days than not.

We'll be moving into the city this summer. The hour (each way) commute got old almost immediately so we're going to downsize to save on time, money and my sanity. Of course that means selling the house but I'm pretty confidant that I'll come out ahead. Luckily Em's social limitations means she's fine with changing schools, and the school district I'm getting her into looks to be excellent and comes highly recommended. Work is going very well, it seems my customer service experience and patience with stupid people translates well in collections. I've been there for almost a year now and figure I'll probably stay for as long as they'll have me, or until my numbers hit of course. ;) They even offer tuition reimbursement so maybe I really will get a chance to go back to school when Em's ready.

I'm trying my hand at dating. I got sick and tired of being alone and figured 32 was a bit young for full on cat lady status. Luckily the friendships and relationships I've experienced sans Bub have taught me so much about what's important to me, particularly which behaviors are and are not acceptable. And that, perhaps, I really am worth special treatment. Thank you for that honey, thank you. There's such an interesting dynamic between men and women. The intensity and newness leaves my head spinning which also explains how people can jump right into relationships without really knowing each other. But I'm keeping my head on straight, as well as trying to remain realistic about the prospect of nurturing a real relationship given the severity of Em's issues. I honestly think a lot of her problem is lack of positive male/fatherly influence, but I also know it will take an extraordinary person to take this burden on. So baby steps it is, as it should be. He's a nice guy and reminds me of my step-dad so I can't really go wrong there. I'm looking for red flags and asking a lot of questions but so far so good.

Other than that, Bub's still an idiot, 'nuff said.

2009-07-27T00:40:00.001-05:00

I was happily reading my Patterson novel at lunch in the cafeteria the other day when I overheard a co-worker's conversation with his wife of 40 years. "I just had to tell you how beautiful you looked this morning, I love you so much honey." he said to her with such sweet abandon. "Even after 40 years you're more beautiful now and I love you more than the day we married." The emotion in his voice caught my ear while the utter sincerity in his words reeled me in and held me captive. The conversation went on like this for a few more minutes as I half heartedly pretended to read and re-read the same page in my novel while a few fat tears snaked slowly down my face. He wasn't tying to make up for some indiscretion, this was a typical everyday conversation preceded by talk of appointments and evening plans. He was simply telling the woman he loves how much she means to him for no other reason than his heart telling him to.

There are men in this world who love so deeply and unabashedly, I know there are. The fact that they're generally taken is no surprise to me. And it is my sincere hope that they are taken by deserving and appreciative partners. I do wonder though what it takes to be deserving of such unadulterated love. What will make what I have to offer enough for that kind of all consuming connection? Could it be that we're not all meant for that level of emotion? Despite my belief that there's someone for everyone, you know, soul mates and all that jazz, what if my idea of a soul mate isn't what my future holds? Or maybe I'm telling myself this bullshit so it'll be easier to settle later on. I just want some sincerity. I want to feel needed and appreciated; indispensable if you will. Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in my ass as Juno's father so eloquently put it.

To be the plan rather than an option... to be worth the sacrifice and uncertainty.

2009-01-04T00:10:00.001-06:00

Well it appears as though I've moved on? Lost the desire or need? Run out of things to say? I dunno, but what I do know is that I can't just leave this, where's the closure in that? So, to all of you dear friends old and new, known to me or not, thank you... for everything. I'm at a crossroads currently, and where I'll end up I don't yet know, but where ever it is, I couldn't have gotten there without each and every one of you. You were my refuge, my saviors, my friends, and for that I am eternally grateful. I'm not sure yet if I'll be back, perhaps now and then when/if the words come, but until then just know that we are okay and always will be, because no matter what, we are free. So goodbye for now dear friends, I love you.

Yes We Can

2008-11-05T00:24:00.000-06:00

As much as it pleases me that another old white guy won't be running things around here for the next few years, it pleases me infinitely more that G.W.'s time is finally coming to an end. I only wish Sarah could have experienced the thrill as well. But I know she's been donning that radiant smile all evening from where ever she is. Its almost over girl, its almost over.

So yes, I did indeed meet the silly boy over the summer in CA. He was exactly as I expected him to be and he even ended up tagging along on a couple of family outings during the vacation. He'll be going back home to India soon and I'm sure we'll remain friendly as he settles into early retirement. Vacation was spectacular btw, the weather simply couldn't have been better. The drive there and back with four kids in one minivan was certainly an... experience and now I can say btdt, no need to repeat. I think those Wright brothers just may have been on to something there. Anyhoo, had I been a better blogger I might have actually posted some pics but seeing as how I still haven't sent Em's last year's school pics to my mom I'd say the chances are slim to none. I know, I suck.

I finally have enough work now, yay me! And despite my distaste for the jobs at least they'll suffice until I can find my way back through school and actually do something worthwhile for a living. Y'know, I really can't complain a whole lot though, my job(s) consist of connecting with people, finagling information out of them that they wouldn't ordinarily offer up, so its kind of fun and challenging in that respect. Is this me trying to make the best out of it? Perhaps, but whatever does the trick right?

I have almost zero contact with Bub anymore. Em still wants to see him periodically so I've allowed it on a limited basis and only with supervision. It appeases her while retaining control of the situation and I'm as comfortable with that as I can be I think. Oh, here's some news regarding Bub. Instead of getting a real job he went back on disability (for his legal blindness). Fine, whatever, there's our taxpayer dollars at work. However, he actually did something worthwhile in that he gave the social security administration some info on Em and despite the fact that he signed away his rights to her, she's still eligible for disabled dependent benefits. Who knew? Anyway, I get this call saying hey we have money for you and I'm like suuuuure. But I went ahead and checked it out and low and behold I wasn't being punked. The benefits were retroactive from when he stopped “working” so she had like 7K just waiting to be claimed plus another $450 or so per month until he goes back to work or she turns 18. So basically she'll be getting a check every month until she turns 18. Unfreakinbelievable. Anyhoo, I'm supposed to use the extra money to help cover her monthly expenses and the 7k went to a new (used) car!!! No more pos van that breaks down anytime I drive more than 20 miles out of town. I got a sweet little maxima and paid for it outright so still no car payment, which is what I was hoping for. I still can't believe that it worked out this way but I'm not gonna balk at the extra moolah. At least that man has finally been useful for something. And if its any consolation I'll actually put those tax dollars to good use, so thank you everyone, I appreciate it.

2008-09-29T20:24:00.000-05:00

Where oh where to start? Em and I are okay, thanks Wien, that’s as good as place as any to start. Words seem to escape me as of late. I’m tired, but what else is new. I have a new second job thanks to the silly boy; he sent me the listing. It’s similar to what I’m doing now and has a lot of potential. So the continued work from home, good pay for this area and room for advancement just about make up for the fact that I don’t love my job. Its what I’m good at sure, but there’s no passion in it. I’ll make my way back to school as soon as Em and I can both handle it. So until then I’m just thankful to be gainfully employed.

Em’s had a pretty rough go of it lately. Bub showed up with a police escort on her birthday under the pretense that he was returning her things from when she was there last, and to confiscate my license plate (seriously, don’t ask). Unfortunately it sent her into a tailspin that we’re still not fully recovered from, but we’re on our way. Her doc thinks it may be COBPD or childhood onset bi-polar disorder. Which would explain so much and at least it’s treatable. I dunno, something’s gotta give here. Maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel. We’ll see.

Honestly, I have a whole litany of things that I could justifiably complain about, however, bitchy, whiney people bug the shit outta me so I refuse to go there. Just know that we’re ok, that we have our good days and bad days like anyone, and that one way or another we’re gonna make it. I have beautiful, incredible people in my life that are there for me through thick and thin, just as you all have been, and I am grateful for each and every one of you. I want so much to return to this outlet with some measure of continuity, but the words come when they come whether I like it or not.

2008-07-24T00:54:00.000-05:00

Bub signed. He really freakin signed. So how do I feel? Not sure yet. Relieved, stunned and surprisingly indifferent to the whole thing. No Jilly, I don’t have to allow any kind of visitation, but whether I do or not still remains to be seen. If I so choose, Em could never have contact with that man again, though I doubt that will be the case. At this point I simply don’t know. So I’ll take it one day at a time and try to stay focused on doing what’s best for her. Its so very tempting to allow spite to take over and keep her from him forever, but in my heart I know that’s not what’s best. So we’ll see, and that’s the best I got right now. I’m not officially divorced yet, there’s still one more thing to sign and then the judge has to sign off on it. But it could literally be over by the time we reach CA next week. Over, done, finito. Free to live my life and raise my daughter precisely how I see fit. Go anywhere I want without another’s permission, make any decision that I deem right and necessary. That’s some scary shit. Never once did I imagine that I’d be here, in this place, now. He was always going to be a part of my life whether I liked it or not, period. And now? Now I’m at a loss I suppose. Perhaps reeling from the realization that I am in absolute control of my life. Wtf am I supposed to do with that? I’ve never had it before and certainly never expected to have it now. Yes, I know I took control when I left, but we all knew I was still under his thumb in a sense, especially regarding Em. That’s all I’m really trying to get at. The last tether being sprung and its unexpected implications. I’ll not flounder again though, not like I did after the great escape. Blindly searching for an anchor to make sense out of chaos. I am grounded now, I know me more than I’ve ever known me before. I’m simply temporarily disoriented as I try to once again find my bearings.

Everyone congratulates me y’know, says I have reason to celebrate, woohoo! Really? Is that how I’m supposed to feel? In time perhaps I will. But for now, I dunno. Relived indifference, that’s what I know.

Ok, this is it til we get back from vacation unless I can post a quickie update when I get confirmation of the divorce being final from there. Otherwise take care and I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side. xoxo

2008-07-16T21:31:00.000-05:00

Oh, I almost forgot! I’m applying to become a foster mother. I’ve decided that I need to wait on going back to school right now but I figure there’s no reason why I can’t still help kids in need. I already have hands on experience dealing with Em’s delicate and sometimes explosive emotional issues, so that coupled with the training needed to get certified bolsters my confidence in my ability to do this. Em’s all for it, she thinks it would be awesome to have someone else to play with, and I like it because it doesn’t require me re-opening my baby making factory for bidness. Not that I have (or want) any prospective clients, but you get my drift. I’m only going to take one child at a time, and only school aged girls. I think I specified ages 5-13. Anyway, there’s an initial, informational meeting for all people interested in fostering on July, 21, and then we’ll see where it goes from there. I have to go through about 30 hours of training including CPR certification, and there will be in home inspections and interviews for both me and Em. I have an extra bedroom and will need to get a bed, but other than that I think I’m pretty well set. Of course I’ll have to kick the kitties out of that room, but I’m sure they’ll adapt.

Speaking of kitties, Em keeps bringing home stray kittens. I told her that she’s turning me into the crazy cat lady. And here I thought I’d have a few more years at least! ;) Anyway, I’m letting her keep one because I’m a big ol’ softie, but the other two gotta go! Yes that’s right; I currently have 5 cats in my house! That does qualify me as the crazy cat lady now doesn’t it? Oy vey.

I’m also searching for a new job in earnest. While the one I have pays well and allows me the freedom of working from home, it’s simply too unstable and unreliable. When we have active projects its great (or worth doing at least), but the projects are becoming increasingly sporadic, and if I don’t have work then I don’t get paid. I’ve got my eye on a city job working for our local utility/cable/internet company as a customer service/tech support specialist. I’m certainly more than qualified for the position on paper so I’m just hoping the compensation will be adequate. At least they’ll have benefits and I know this company isn’t going anywhere despite our spiraling economy. Though according to Bush we’ve seen economic growth this year. Perhaps he’s smoking crack, which I imagine is cheaper than huffing gas at this point anyway. I digress…

Bub still hasn’t signed his life away, a moment I am anxiously awaiting. My fear is that someone will talk him out of it so I’m just laying low and waiting. I’ve probed his parents and they don’t have a clue as to what he’s doing, so I’m not about to mention it. I haven’t told Em either, though I know I’ll have to at some point. I’m just not sure how to do so without completely destroying her. I’ll cross that bridge when/if the time is right and hopefully I’ll have the tools to help her through it. I’m over my anger at him for this latest stupidity, though I know I’ll never understand. And that’s ok, it’s not necessary or meant for me to understand. Props to Dave for that profound bit of wisdom and perspective, love ya babe! So I am at peace with it now, excited even at the possibilities this higher level of freedom affords. Just knowing that I will never have to answer to that man again is almost overwhelming. But I think I’ll manage. ;-)

Ok, 10 days and counting til we leave for the wild, wild west. Woohoo!

2008-07-08T03:26:00.000-05:00

That self-centered, narcissistic, son of a bitch. Bub informed my lawyer today that he plans to relinquish his parental rights. Ok, everyone take a moment to cheer and rejoice, and then I’ll explain why I’m pissed. First of all, I was granted emergency temporary custody after his last shenanigans of holding her hostage and the final custody hearing was supposed to take place on August 7th. So my lawyer sent him a bunch of interrogatories which are questions that he’d have to answer under oath at the hearing. Stuff about his suicide attempts, mental health, police records, drug use, etc. Well apparently he didn’t want to answer those questions and open himself up to such damaging personal inquiries, so he called my lawyer (since he is acting as his own attorney) and said, “What will it take to end this? Just tell me what Bev wants and I’ll agree to it.” Well alright, finally something smart and rational from the idiot! Then my lawyer called me and we discussed what I wanted; full custody, limited visitation and no overnights or extended stays, etc. When she called him back with my intentions they apparently didn’t sit too well with him, so instead of being happy with what he could get he just decided to give up his rights. So the only father Em has ever known for almost 11 years has just given her up, seemingly because he couldn’t get his way. He said, “as long as Bev doesn’t go for child support then I’ll give up my rights.” And I wasn’t even asking for child support anyway and he knew that. But just like that, its my way or the highway. Bastard. So that’s it, my lawyer will draft up the papers, I’ll sign and hopefully he will too, then I’ll be divorced and Bub will no longer be Em’s father. Easy cheesy. I was absolutely floored though, as was my lawyer. I mean, who the hell does that? She even attempted to talk him out of such craziness but he was adamant. So I figure wtf, if that’s what he wants then let him have it. Needless to say, he continues to appall and disgust me.

In other news, our big road trip out west is coming up fast and furious. Plus the silly boy is planning to visit a family member that lives in the area at the same time so he’s gonna come hang out with us once or twice while we’re there. I had to cancel my trip up north when Bub pulled that shit with Em so this will be the first time we meet, and he’ll get to meet the whole family too! My sil is absolutely salivating at the prospect, lol. At any rate, it should be a blast, and then I’ll try to get my trip up there rescheduled cuz I was really looking forward to seeing Vancouver.

2008-06-20T23:30:00.002-05:00

My daughter wrapped her arms around me tonight before bed and said, “I love you mommy, you’re the best mommy ever. I appreciate everything you do for me and I’m so glad to be home.” Then she said, “I’m sorry for disrespecting you sometimes, you don’t deserve it.”

I have an awesome kid.

She’s off to my brother and sil’s house tomorrow and will stay til the middle of next week. Swimming, fishing and playing nonstop with her cousins while I face Bub at the emergency custody hearing. My lawyer attached his police reports to the claim and explained that he’s ~~psychotic~~ not well and wouldn’t allow her to come home or have phone contact with me when she was there last week. I am confident that this custody issue will be a no brainer. It’s nice to feel such confidence.

A social worker from child protective services came to interview us per Bub’s ridiculous request since I'm so obviously an unfit mother. She was here all of 10 minutes. Apparently he told her that I hit Em in the head with a door and there were bruises and scratches on her face. I was dumfounded… and so was Em. I didn’t think he’d make up a blatant lie, but then again I didn’t think he’d hold my daughter hostage against her will either. The social worker found the claims unsubstantiated of course and told me the case would be closed right away. She wasn’t actually supposed to tell me that but I guess she thought the whole thing just as ridiculous as I did.

Apparently Bub told Em horrible things while she was there. He had her convinced that I would go to jail if I tried to do anything to interfere with what he was doing. So much so that she almost didn’t come with me when I went to get her for fear of what would happen to me. He talked to her about everything I’m doing wrong and how it hurts her, and that I don’t really care about what’s in her best interests. He spoke badly and loudly of me a lot apparently. He also told her that she is mentally unstable and that he planned to put her in a facility where doctors could fix whatever is wrong with her, and that I would go to jail if I tired to interfere. She wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or do anything by herself, including using the bathroom. He made her follow new chick everywhere she went, so if new chick was sitting at the computer then Em had to sit next to her, if new chick took a nap then Em had to lay down with her. At one point Em called him a psycho, for which she was punished and sent to her room. At least she got to go there by herself.

She’s having nightmares now. Vivid dreams of being imprisoned in that nasty little trailer, unable to escape. There are bars on the windows and doors in her dreams and she feels hopeless and helpless. She doesn’t want to go back there and she’s not sure if she even wants to see him again. She’s only talked to him once since she’s been home. He was angry with her and blamed her for what happened. Apparently new chick told him that Em opened the door when I came to get her (which they were both sternly warned not to do under any circumstances), but it was actually new chick who opened it. I guess she was just trying to save her own ass from Bub’s wrath. Anyway, Em got off the phone quickly after that and hasn’t asked to speak with him again. I really didn’t think he’d be angry with her, how could he be so stupid? Unbelievable. But that pretty much cemented her newfound opinion of him so hopefully we won’t have to go through this again. Only time will tell. Anyway, I’ll explain more about the covert operation of getting her back and all that led up to it another time, I just don’t feel like it yet, so stay tuned.

God, why did she have to have such a fucktard for a father? *kicking self squarely in ass. When you know better you do better right? Fine, lesson learned, bleh.

2008-06-15T00:11:00.001-05:00

I don’t even know what to say. Bub decided to keep Em and he refused to give her back. My baby just wanted to come home and he wouldn’t let her. He thought I was being an irresponsible parent by saying she could come home instead of making her stay there where she could get the structure and discipline that she obviously lacks with me. There hasn’t been a custody order yet, so he just kept her. He said he was the only one putting her best interests first. He said lots of things. Bottom line, he took matters into his own hands and he held my baby against her will. Well two can play at that game because by god, I went and got her back. Quite frankly it’s a huge, complicated mess of a story and I’m tired, but I got her back and that’s all that matters. We’ve been hiding out at my brother and sil’s house since Thursday, when it happened, and my lawyer will be filing for an emergency custody hearing on Monday so that he can’t snatch her again without consequences. Em is home and safe, and I’m done being nice. Done.

Sooo much more later.

2008-06-10T20:39:00.000-05:00

Familiarity breeds contempt. The hell you say. Not for all I surmise, not for all. Perhaps for some, familiarity breeds comfort and understanding. A level of intuitiveness and yes, dare I say the right to express truths that may be difficult to hear. Wrought only from love and compassion, and the desire to help, relate and empathize. Wait… be still and review that last sentence and rest assured that has been my only intention. That has always been my only intention because that’s who I am. And if anything other than my truest of intentions has ever been derived from my words or actions then perhaps I am not as known as I thought I was. No, perhaps not.

Life goes on, peace, curiosity and tolerance abound. Of course they do, just look a little harder. This world and the people of it are inherently good for the most part. Each just trying to get by like the next, searching for their own contentment and joy. I know where mine lays, do you? I am secure in my knowledge and beliefs, as well as the significance of my journey. I may not know where I’m going, but there is no fear, not anymore. I am content, I am relieved, and I am simply, unabashedly me. *grins

2008-06-09T23:08:00.000-05:00

Well she almost made it a week… almost. The calls came today, “please mommy, don’t make me stay here, I made a huge mistake.” Go figure. I’m making her stay until the weekend cuz I’m mean that way. No really, I just want to fully drive home the point. She needs this to remind her and quite frankly I need the leverage. It was time for this lesson to be learned, necessary in fact. And it may need to be learned again at some point, but that’s ok, because we’ll get through it then too. Mom will always be here cuz that’s what moms do.

Her behavior is my fault of course, isn’t everything? What he fails to realize is that she is him made over. Her willfulness and entitlement, her inability to let things go, and her need to constantly be in control of her world are simply manifestations of his genetic material and her dysfunctional childhood. Magnified of course by the inherently narcissistic tendencies of most adolescents. I desperately want to save her from herself, to keep her from ending up like him. I’m not sure yet if it’s possible, but by god I’m gonna try. I refuse to give up on this child; cuz never giving up is what moms do.

I need another job, or a new job, or something. Man what I wouldn’t give to listen to the church ladies ramble incoherently again. That was such a good gig, especially when combined with this one. I’m trying to hold it together, really I am. And I will, one way or another, I’ll make this work. Why? Well because that’s what moms do of course, lol.

Even after 10+ years I still question whether or not I’m cut out for this mom business, but I suppose at times we all do. One more time, all together now, because that’s what moms do right? That’s what moms do.

2008-06-04T15:25:00.006-05:00

School is out and Em is gone. She went to Bub’s for a few weeks to hopefully get the desire to live with him out of her system. Bleh. She’ll stay there until my big trip up north on the 19th then she’ll go to my sil’s house for the long weekend. I didn’t feel comfortable about her staying with Bub while I was so far away so I got her all pumped up about wanting to visit her cousins in the hopes that Bub wouldn’t protest. Luckily it worked out fine so now that’s the plan. Once I get back she’ll either go back to Bub’s or she’ll see the light and decide to stay with boring ol’ mom. They both think she’s staying with him the whole summer, but I’m pretty sure I know her better than that. I give her a few weeks until the idea of living with daddy doesn’t sound quite so enchanting anymore. She’s blocked out most of what it was like to live with him so unfortunately she needs this hard lesson in reality to remind her of why we left in the first place. God I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but its one of those things that she just has to learn for herself. She’ll be okay, and I’ll be there when reality comes crashing down and she’s ready to come back home. Shall we lay bets on how long she lasts??

I managed to snap a few pics of the ~~junkyard~~ trailer, which actually looks A LOT better than it did when I first went. Apparently he’s been cleaning the place up some. Let’s all give Bub a pat on the back for trying to make his ~~shit hole~~ place more homey.

That's not their car, its just broken down in the front yard and being used as a storage facility now. They are still without a vehicle or a working indoor toilet, both of which he "says" will be taken care of next month... or was it the month after?... or the one after that? Whatever. Anyway, she's there and I'm all alone with the cats trying not to feel sorry for myself. Which hasn't been working so far, but I have ample time to get over myself since MYBABYISGONEFORTWOFREAKINGWEEKS!! Ok, I'm better now... I think. More later, I need to find something productive to do.

2008-05-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

What makes one fall in love? For me it’s the connection; mind, body, and soul. Knowing someone intimately and not in the physical sense (I wouldn’t remember, lmao). The excitement and addiction? Well in that case I’m in love with chocolate brownies… mmmm brownies… Sorry to the dieters among us, that was just wrong! I fell in love with Bub, as much as a 16 year old girl can. I fell in love with the attention and the excitement. Feeling special and protected. My love for him died with each negative comment, each marathon lecture, each feeling of worthlessness and incompetence his disdain for me evoked. Perhaps I even forgot how to love for a time, and I certainly found the concept of adult love unnecessary. And why wouldn’t I? His kind of love hurt. Who needs that? But now I know it doesn’t have to be that way. Now I understand that I too am worthy of love just the way I am. I am not broken beyond repair; I am me, a work in progress. And I too am capable of love in many forms. But what creates sustaining love? You know the kind I mean. The little old man brushing his bed-ridden wife’s hair because he knows instinctively that she couldn’t bear to appear disheveled if visitors came calling, whether she realizes their presence or not. Holding hands in the park, even after 30 odd years. But how do you not grow weary of the day to day hum-drum of life in general that allows your eye to wander and your thoughts to turn to turn to “what ifs”? What if the grass really is greener? What if I followed my heart through every twist and turn? What if I’ve made a mistake? No, there are no mistakes. Every question that arises is just part of the journey. Sustaining love takes work, hard work, and an open mind. And I, for one, am finally up to the challenge. Go figure.

I am not dispensable. I am worth the challenge and sacrifice. I deserve to be loved unconditionally. And I have those things to offer in return, because that’s how I work.

“The only thing that shatters dreams is compromise.” -Richard Bach (luvyahoney)

Okay, enough of this melodramatic bullshit, time to get my head outta my ass and get back to work.

2008-05-28T14:46:00.002-05:00

Marwage, marwage is whut bwings us togefwa todaay. No, I’m not getting married; I just love The Princess Bride. Who doesn’t want the fairytale, happy ending? The perfect romance that rights all wrongs and exceeds all expectations. There are those who live the fairytale. Hell, if the hooker can end up with the millionaire business man come to rescue her in his white limo on the LA fire escape then why should the rest of us simple folk expect any less? Oh yeah, that’s the movies, wtf was I thinking? Some people really do live the fairytale romance though, I’m sure of it. I believe in it because I must. Though sometimes I question my own capacity for true love. I feel too guarded to let it all hang out, too agreeable for my own good. I choose safety and comfort over my true wants and needs far too often, though I am getting better. We’ve all seen what I’m willing to take for the sake of continuity, and it ain’t pretty. “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” Blah blah blah.

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them- that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." Lao-Tse

That saying, wrought from true love, brings me peace. Just as my inherent faith in all things meant to be. I walk along this path still unknowing, yet confident in the journey and final destination, whatever that may be. I walk because I must; it’s the only way. I walk because I believe. I may need a guide along the way, just as I may have the honor to guide others, but ultimately the path is the right one. In that, I believe.

I could panic more, I could worry about the “what ifs”, but then I figure, fuggetaboudit, who needs the stress? I’ll think about that tomorrow. ;)

Perhaps some would liken my faith to that of a higher power, much like those of religious faith find solace in their god(s). Hell, maybe I would too, though my faith lies in the universe or karma or whatever. Maybe I should make a list like Earl; he seems to have it all figured out. Or maybe I should just go mow the lawn instead of bitching about needing to. But wait! Can't I think about that tomorrow too?

2008-05-22T12:04:00.002-05:00

Jealousy… what a mystifying emotion. A source of anxiety, promoter of tension, and destroyer of souls. It is in everything we do and every facet of our lives whether we realize it or subscribe to it or not. I’ve never been truly affected by the green eyed monster myself, either inwardly or outwardly. Sure, I’ve had the occasional twinge of “no fair!” or “I want that”, but in regards to personal relationships? Nada. This is not to say that I don’t understand jealousy, quite the opposite in fact. I get the underlying reasons for it and I realize that it affects more people than not. But the intensity of it? The physical and emotional toll it can take? I simply cannot relate. It’s been described to me as a hollow, empty feeling mixed with anger and hurt. An all encompassing roller coaster of fear, anxiety and irrationality. Sometimes merely a low simmer lying just below the surface, others a blinding sheath of emotional discord. So why don’t I get jealous? I dunno. Maybe it’s my laissez faire attitude towards life in general. I figure if my partner has his eye on someone else then it’s either a passing infatuation based in fantasy or it’s a relational problem indicating a lack of intimacy and contentment. In which case we would either need to fix the problems or go our separate ways. But to seethe with jealousy over another’s feelings? Nah, I’ll pass thank you. I’ve never really experienced someone being jealous over me either. Bub is, of course, far too self absorbed to think he had any reason worry about my attention being diverted elsewhere, and I, quite frankly, would have been ecstatic had his affections fallen upon another while we were together. So perhaps its not that I don’t feel jealousy, maybe I’ve just never had someone to feel jealous over? At any rate, it’s not my thing, and knowing me, likely never will be. Which is just fine by me cuz from what I’ve seen I don’t think its something I’d want to experience anyway.

So what is jealousy really? Well imo it has more to do with oneself than with others. Jealousy doesn’t stem from our partner being attracted to or falling in love with another, it comes from the realization that we are not their everything. Its not about them, it’s about us. We all baulk at the idea of not being the best, most important, most attractive, or most worthy of their time and affection. And even if we get it all, we want more. We want to be so adored that thoughts of another don’t even cross their minds. We want to be special and we want to be wanted above all else. It is natural to be attracted to and connect with other human beings. Just as it is natural to fear being replaced or abandoned, which is all the jealousy really is: fear. Fear. My, don’t we know that one well? People… relationships come and go, but true love whether romantic or spiritual, stands the test of time… and fear. True love conquers all right? And I love, god how I love, each in my own way and for different reasons. All with absolute purpose, else we would not have been brought together in the first place. I believe we have many soulmates throughout our lives as long as we are open to it. Each no less special, wanted or needed than any other. And each capturing a special place in our hearts lasting until the end of time. So no need for jealousy friends, as we each hold the capacity to love and be loved without boundaries. We are all special, wanted and needed.

Okay now, group hug! :D

2008-05-21T22:01:00.002-05:00

My POS car decided it had lived long and prosperous enough so it went to a better place today. Crap! I got in to take Em to school this morning (cuz she’s too lazy to drag her carcass outta bed in time for the bus) and the darn thing just wouldn’t start. Bleh. I sat there diligently trying just one more time, but alas, it was not to be. So I moped back inside dejected and frustrated while Em rejoiced at her sudden windfall. And I just about said to hell with it, she can go to school tomorrow. But the silly boy in all his practicality said, “why don’t you ask your neighbor to borrow their car?” Oh yeah, now why didn’t I think of that? I’ve become quite friendly with the cute couple across the street as Em plays with their oldest son (Eli, 6) daily. So I asked and of course she was happy to lend me her car for the quick trip cuz they’re good people that way. They are also the ones I plan to ask to look after the kitties while we’re in CA this summer. This, in turn, gives me motivation to really get the house looking nice since they’ll be letting themselves in while we’re gone to water and feed the babies. Motivation is a good thing. I digress. I don’t know what is wrong with the stupid car other than being beyond its prime, but chances are it will be costly and take far too long to fix. Lovely

Nothing new with Bub since he rarely tells me anything anymore, which I can’t say as I mind except for the lack of incredulous blog material. He’s on food stamps and is waiting to get back on disability (for his legal blindness), so we can all take comfort in knowing that our tax dollars are well at work here. Which probably wouldn’t be quite so annoying if he had ever actually paid taxes to cover the government assistance he is now trying to milk.

Em has been on this kick about wanting to live with Bub instead of me so she is going to stay with him some this summer since she seems to have forgotten what its like to live with the man. I think she needs a good dose of reality to remind her how good she really has it here. He’s stable (as he can be) right now so I feel its time for this hard lesson to be learned. I give it 2-3 weeks tops. And I won’t even let her come home for the first two weeks since I think she needs a good long stretch of daily living with daddy to get the full affect. I understand the pull to go there. She sees him in small doses right now and he devotes all of his time and attention to her when she’s there. What kid doesn’t want their parents’ undivided attention? He’s also on his best behavior since he doesn’t have her long enough to evoke his true colors. Well I give that about three days before the same ol’ daddy emerges. Maybe then boring old mom won’t look half bad, along with our nice little house in a kid ridden neighborhood where there’s no tension and expectation of perfection, not to mention working indoor toilets. Sounds pretty good to me anyway.

2008-05-13T22:51:00.005-05:00

My tickets are booked… holy crap! I had a momentary freak out the other night, like “what the hell am I doing?” Deep breaths… It’s just a nice vacation with a very dear friend to a beautiful place, no biggie… right? Except that very dear friend is a certain silly boy who I’m kinda sweet on, *blush. My mom asked me if I was staying in a hotel while there. I thought I would die. She said, “Don’t be silly, you’re a grown woman, I just wanted to know.” So why do I feel like a silly little school girl who just got caught being bad? Oy vey. I’m too old for this shit.

Have you ever tried to type with a cat lounging across one of your arms? Not so easy. But she’s cozy and I don’t have the heart to kick her off me. I don’t, however, say excuse me and leave the room if I happen to walk in on one of them using the litter box like I’ve heard some do, lmao. I figure its my house, they can just deal. Of course I’m a door open kinda girl anyway, but I digress.

I may have mentioned that Bub moved, can’t remember. But he did, and omg. I was truly appalled by what I saw. I literally had a near panic attack driving home from dropping Em at that junkyard, I mean place. I’m trying to get pics and when I do I’ll post them. You just have to see this to believe it. She thinks its great, but what kid wouldn’t love roaming willy nilly through a junkyard? The new place is bigger at least. (Trying to find the positives here.) Of course the toilet doesn’t actually work, but hey, they can use the one next door. Are you fucking kidding me? I think my head might just explode.

Em and her bff decided it would be fun to paint the driveway today… with regular house paint. Wish I was joking. Hey, at least they didn’t paint the car. The kid didn’t realize that it wouldn’t just wash off, I get it. But dayum! She was very apologetic once she realized the significance of what she had done, and I figured its too late now, so no point in strangling her. Besides, it could have been worse, there was a deep red color and an atrocious blue/green to pick from as well, so all things considered, the beige wasn’t soooo bad. *smacks forehead, mommy needs a nap.

I’m baaaack!

2008-05-09T22:18:00.001-05:00

Okay, so it’s been forever. Of course much has happened; this is my dysfunctional life we’re talking about here. Bub is representing himself in the divorce *snicker. This should be interesting. My lawyer is particularly looking forward to facing him in court. You know the saying, “he who represents himself has a fool for a client”. I told the silly boy that I ought to videotape the proceedings. It would make a killing on youtube. Provided Bub gets his ass in gear, the hearing should be set for early June, at which time I expect the judge to get a rather large chuckle out of Bub’s antics. Oh, get this; he’s trying to stipulate that I not be allowed to take Em out of our county, not country, but county, for more than two weeks without his express permission. HA! Good luck with that one buddy. He also claims that we’ve been sharing Em’s expenses 50/50 for the last two years, so child support is unnecessary. I swear to god he said sharing! As if he even has a clue what kind of expenses a 10-year-old child incurs. Its not like it matters much anyway, the loser can’t keep a job, so I’ve never counted on any financial support from him. Hell, I couldn’t even count on financial support from him while we were together, why would I start now?!

He has also moved again, this time to a bigger trailer out in BFE. A friend is letting him and new chick stay there rent free so of course he couldn’t pass up the opportunity. He has also finally cleared his shit out of my garage, woohoo!! It was about damn time. And I had to cut off his cell phone due to nonpayment. Oh well, too bad so sad right Aunt Sandy? At least he hasn’t tried to kill himself again since the last time; I guess his crazy drugs are doing the trick. It’s a shame too, I rather liked the lady at the police station, and I was expecting to chat with her again soon while picking up his next police report. No matter, I’m sure I’ll get another opportunity at some point.

School is out for the summer, (for me) which I’m grateful for as I needed the break. This semester has been particularly trying so I’m enjoying the reprieve. I’m still uncertain about returning in the fall, though I know I need to. I know I can do it, I just haven’t committed to signing back up yet. I’ll think about that tomorrow… or the next day maybe.

In other news; I’m off to beautiful Vancouver, Canada in June, to visit one silly boy *blush. Now THAT should be interesting. It’ll be a long weekend filled with touristy type activities and lots of outdoor time as the weather should be lovely, provided the near constant pissing rain holds off while I’m there. I’ve already put in my order for a rainless visit, but Mother Nature is a finicky bitch so we’ll see what she has in store for us. But I’m not made of sugar, and well, you know the rest. This will be my first time out of the country so I had to get a passport, which came in record time and without any hassle. I’ll be sure to bring my camera and post what I expect to be some really spectacular pics. Em is gonna stay with my brother and sil while I’m gone so I know she’ll be in good hands. And since the silly boy is reading my blog now I’ll likely forgo reporting all the really juicy details. But most of you know my email so hit me up and I’ll spill the beans. ;-) Scandalous!

2008-04-22T18:00:00.000-05:00

via my bff, love ya babe!

Two years ago today…

2008-04-21T21:33:00.008-05:00

Was the day of the great escape.

Bub got served on Friday; I have officially filed for divorce. I gave him a head’s up email first just so it wouldn’t be a complete sucker punch when the process server showed up at trailer #53. He’s not too happy with me, to say the least. He gave me a chance to reconsider and informed me that if I didn’t he would “fight tooth and nail” for custody. I thought it particularly generous of him to give me a chance to see the light before he brings down the hammer, but this is Bub we’re talking about, obviously generosity and kindness abound. Anyway, I was purposefully concise in our correspondence because words are merely loopholes for him, and then I forwarded the messages on to my mom and my lawyer, in that order. I haven’t much else to say about it really, it’s done, the ball is rolling, and now I must let come what may.

School is almost over for both of us, which I’m looking forward to. And I’m wondering whether or not I’ll be able to return in the fall. It’s been incredibly stressful this semester and I’m questioning my ability to hack it. I dunno yet, I’ll give it some time and thought, and let everyone know when I know.

The silly boy is reading my blog now. All together now, everyone say hi! He really wanted to read it and I felt it was time, so there you have it. He’s been my backbone in getting this divorce going; I don’t think I’d be at the place I am now if it wasn’t for him (I’m not blaming you, you goof, I’m thanking you, sheesh!). His encouragement, pep talks, and constant support have meant the world to me. He, my family, friends, all have been an amazing support staff (*wink @ Dave), and I simply couldn’t ask for more. He’s been amazing to Em too, as I’ve allowed them to talk and chat over time. Constant positive reinforcement and encouragement, playful and fun, and never a hint of irritation or anger. Which, believe me, that girl can evoke in the best of them when she has a mind to.

Em and her new bff have been spending copious amounts of time together and have now decided that they will go to undergrad together and then on law school all while living together. Then they'll open their own law practice and commence to rule the world. Well, she didn’t exactly say that last part, but we all know its part of her evil plan. I took the kids to a park in North Little Rock on Sunday that has playground equipment, hiking trails, batting cages, and its own little amusement park. So here’s some pics just cuz.
"the rocket ship"
Em at the helm of the tank.
On the Tilt A Whirl.

2008-04-12T22:30:00.001-05:00

I picked up his police reports today so I could take them with me to the lawyer’s on Monday. They were an interesting read to say the least. Apparently his offenses were categorized as “Drunk or Insane” *snicker. The lady who printed them up for me at the police station took one look at the reports and said wow, this guy needs some help. Ya think? And as I was leaving the police station I told the chick behind the counter, “See ya next week.” implying of course that I’d be by to pick up another report after his next flip out. Sooo sassy, *grins.

He was released already; came home today. Which I’m sure only occurred because it was cheaper to treat him on an out-patient basis rather than in-patient since he has no insurance or viable means of support; God bless America. They also sent the suicidal man home with his very own prescription crazy medication. I suppose they thought handing him a loaded gun would have been a bit much. Hmmmm…

Em’s been quite the social butterfly lately. She has a new bff who fits her just right. This girl is sweet, accommodating, and is always perfectly happy to do whatever Em wants. See what I mean? Like bread and buttah, being that Em is a natural leader and her bff is a natural follower. Anyway, Em went home from school with said bff on Friday and just kinda stayed. I’ve met the parents, been to their house, and had bff over here several times too, so I’m kewl with the friendship and the family. Plus I’m always thrilled when Em can spend her free time just being a kid rather than dealing with Bub’s crap. It’s nice when I can get a mommy break and just be able to relax knowing that she won’t need deprogramming when she gets home. So what have I done with all this free time you ask? Not a damn thing! Unless you count copious amounts of peaceful slumber and generally unproductive dawdling. I suppose I could sweep or something… nahhhhh. ;-)

Oops he did it again...

2008-04-11T00:49:00.001-05:00

This time for realz. The details are still sketchy but apparently Bub swallowed some of new chick’s pills and is now resting comfortably at an in-patient facility. I had no idea anything was going on until he called Em (presumably from the hospital after having his stomach pumped) to tell her that he was going away for a little while to get some help. Then his brother called and let me in on what was going on, as much as he knew anyway. From what I’ve been able to piece together he and new chick got into it per usual and he left out walking. He then came back and took some of her pills before leaving again. Somehow the police became involved though I’m not sure why, and they tried to pick him up. Apparently he ran from the cops and then resisted and fought them when they finally caught him. At that point the pills kicked in and he went into a seizure whereupon an ambulance was called. He was then taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped, which he also fought the ER attendants on, but they got it done regardless. After spending most of the day in the critical care unit he was transported to a facility in another town where he is now being held until further notice. It seems that he was given the choice to either go to in-patient willingly or go to jail. Since he went willingly there won’t be any charges filed by the cops.

New chick is being a real drama queen saying she can’t leave because she has no place to go since she spent all of her crazy check on the rent and utilities for the trailer. They ended up not getting kicked out because he convinced her to stay and she ponied up the dough. Now she’s saying she has no choice because she’s out of money so she’ll likely be there when he gets back and then the whole cycle can commence repetition. I dunno, she might go; it’s all pretty iffy right now. I offered to take her somewhere if she wants me to but she didn’t take me up on it at the time. He’s playing the same old head games with her as he did with me so I get her confusion and apprehension.

Either way, I’m still moving forward with my plans. I figured I might as well just kick him while he’s down. (Sarcasm peppered with remorse and guilt) I can’t let this change anything otherwise it’ll never end, and I am soooo ready for it to end. At least this way I will no longer be responsible for making and paying for his funeral arrangements if he tries again and manages to succeed. That was me trying to put a positive spin on things in case you missed it. ;-)

2008-04-08T17:44:00.000-05:00

I got an A on my research paper, first time with no revisions. Although, and to be quite honest, I shouldn’t have; it wasn’t an A paper. But I’m not gonna argue, I just wasn’t expecting such low standards. I’m also giving my first real speech (on the same subject) in my speech class tomorrow. Yippee. Wha, sarcasm? Me? *grins.

I met with another lawyer today, and this one I’ll take. No chain smoking and this one was actually wearing a bra, go figure. It’s funny though; I’m realizing just how ridiculous my whole Bubba saga sounds when trying to explain it for the first time to someone new. As I’ve said before, you just can’t make this shit up, but dear lord how could it possibly be true? My mom said it is literally like a soap opera with so many twists and turns to keep track of that it’s just unbelievable. Unbelievable. Even I have a hard time wrapping my head around it sometimes too, and I live it! So I gave her the facts and just like the shrew, she said that it was pretty cut and dry; Bub doesn’t stand a chance. Which I knew, and I suppose I’ve always known, but actually taking this final step proves almost insurmountable nonetheless. Almost insurmountable. Its time to rip the band aid off once again, just like when I left, this has to be short and sweet and catch him by surprise lest I spend the rest of my life bending to his will. Because that’s all I’ve continued to do these last two years (exactly two years on 4/21), bend over backwards to keep from pissing him off, just like always. So in a sense I’ve been working up the gumption to take this step, just as I had to when contemplating my great escape so long ago. I had to come to it in my own time and with some strategically placed prodding, but I am now finally there. Took me long enough huh?! Sheesh

Plus it doesn’t hurt that my mom and stepdad offered to pay for my divorce if I would just get on with it already! My parents are the bombdiggity! I honestly don’t know what I’d do without them. So the check is in the mail to pay my retainer fee, and once done Bub will be served, and then the shit will really hit the fan. Good times… not.

This one's a doozey, get comfy

2008-04-03T22:45:00.002-05:00

I’ll get to the silly boy in a minute, for now I must compose the latest saga in the ongoing Bubbadrama. New chick called me distraught, they had been fighting per usual and she told him she was leaving him. He left their trailer leaving behind a note telling her to do what she wanted with his stuff, as he would no longer be needing it. She wanted to know if I had heard from him but I hadn’t since this morning when I had declined to do several favors for him. She didn’t know where he was and assumed he would harm himself somehow. I’m not sure what she expected from me as I’ve given up the co-dependant need to save him from himself. I told her to take care of herself and not to blame herself for anything he might do. He’s a big boy; he has to learn to take care of himself.

Then came a knock on the door. He was here at my house, peering through the front door window to see if I was indeed home. I opened the door and he came in and sat down. He looked like hell. Face red, un-bathed, clothes disheveled, and eerily controlled with a distinct undertone of the chaos welling beneath the surface. When will Em be home? He asks. I’m picking her up in a bit; she has an appointment I tell him. I’ll wait then, he says. No Bub, I’m sorry but you can’t wait here, we’ll be gone for a while. When can I see her then? I don’t know Bub, I don’t think she needs to see you right now. I was sitting very still with plenty of space between us but my blood had run cold as soon as I laid eyes on him. I was scared of him, physically scared and uncertain of what he might do. I wasn’t often scared of him in this way because he never actually hit me when we were together. But today I really didn’t know what he was capable of. All I knew was that he looked unlike I’ve seen him in a very long time, if ever, and that I wanted him out of my house. He told me he had nowhere to go, no home (they were being kicked out of the trailer), no friends and that he just wanted to see Em. I remained still, heart racing and trying not to shake, wondering if I would indeed need to have him removed from my home. Then he got a phone call and stepped outside only to return a few moments later saying that he was leaving and to tell Em that he loved her. I saw him out and locked the door behind him. Then did my best not to fall apart. I called my SIL as the shakes took over and proceeded to tell her what just happened. We talked for a bit and I was able to calm down, then I left to intercept Em at the bus stop for her appt. As I drove I saw him sitting on the curb about halfway down the street with his head in his hands, presumably to catch Em on her way home. Luckily he didn’t look up as I passed and I was able to usher her into the car without him being seen. With high anxiety I managed through her appt., never letting on that anything was out of the ordinary, then we tentatively made our way back home, unsure of what I would find upon our arrival. Luckily he was nowhere to be seen and I breathed a small sigh of relief. I then spoke with new chick again whereupon she told me that he had been picked up by the police and was presently handcuffed to a bench at the station. Thank god! So fast-forward a few hours. I had told Em a few sketchy details only explaining that daddy and new chick had decided to go their separate ways and that daddy was having a really bad day. But that he was safe and in a place where he could talk to somebody and get help, and that he might be going away for a little while if necessary. She was pretty distraught about the breakup as she had grown very attached to new chick and she was worried about daddy, but she was a real trooper and she seemed to accept it without too much difficulty.

And then he called. They didn’t feel he needed to be hospitalized so he was turned loose. How lovely. He wanted somebody to talk to and apparently I’m the only one he has left. He needed to plan and get advice and figure out what to do. I was very timid and distant, wishing I hadn’t answered the phone, but I did tell him that I couldn’t be that person for him anymore. He wanted to know what new chick had told me and he wanted to give his version, but I really wasn’t interested. He wanted to know why I wouldn’t help him or talk to him and I had no real answer other than it just being something I needed to do. By then Em was bugging me to talk to him so I let her say hi. Kicking myself now for my stupidity of course, but she really wanted to talk to her daddy. It was a mess. Him explaining everything away with his usual woe is me Bubba antics. Its everyone else’s fault, he’s the poor victim here and he can’t seem to catch a break. She immediately tried to fix him and save him, taking it upon herself to make everything all better for daddy. You can come live here she tells him. No Em, mommy won’t let me do that, I have no place to go. She told him what I had said to her about what was going on with him and he immediately told her how I was lying about it and that he was ok. That he wasn’t going anywhere to get help because he doesn’t need it. He then proceeded to ream me for filling her head full of crap saying that this was just another example of why he doesn’t believe she should live with me and how I never think about how my words or actions will affect her. Yes, that’s right, through all of this he still believes himself to be the more suitable parent. And he thinks he actually has a leg to stand on when it comes to proof that my parenting is somehow detrimental to her well being. I’m still the incompetent mother that I always was. SSDD Unfreakingbelievable. Anyway, they finally get off the phone and she just flips. Absolute information overload for her young mind. She internalizes everything assuming that it is up to her to make daddy happy. And now she’s pissed at me for not helping him in his time of need and apparently lying like I usually do according to him. It was insane. I just kept reiterating that daddy has to take care of himself and that its not up to her or me to save him. That her only job was to be a kid and concentrate on school, not adult matters that she has no business knowing let alone control over. It took me forever to get her calmed down but I finally did and she’s now resting comfortably.

God I’m so sick of this roller coaster. I want off. I want her safe and stable and free of his continuous mind fucks. It has to stop. I have another consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, its time to settle this once and for all.

Now, about the silly boy. I was being an absolute fatalist, unwilling to let him become a party to this chaos. So I told him that he needed to move on. D’oh! *kicks self squarely in ass. I was feeling overwhelmed, pessimistic and frankly quite stupid. So I talked it over with a dear friend who was able to make me see the error of my ways, explaining that this one isn’t just up to me; the silly boy gets a say in this too. Who’da thought? So having been set straight I tucked my tail between my legs and talked to the silly boy about what was really going on… and now we’re kewl. All together now, a collective sigh of relief…Ahhhhhhh. Damn, does that mean I’ll have to return the six new cats? ;-)

2008-03-31T11:39:00.003-05:00

I think we're done. Really, who needs silly boys anyways? They're just someone else to clean up after and cook for. Someone else to worry about, as if I needed more to worry about. Someone to talk and relate to, someone to share your life with. Someone to be there when you need them or to be there for them when needed. Someone to make you smile and blush, and frustrate you beyong belief. Maybe I'll just get another cat...

2008-03-23T23:22:00.001-05:00

So, don’t do it eh? Right now I have no legal ground to say what I will and won’t let her do because nothing is yet in writing. And I honestly don’t feel like I have much choice here lest I risk her resenting me for the rest of her life. Plus, I know how it would all end up, its not like this would ever be permanent. I dunno, I guess I just feel like she’s got to learn this one for herself, to realize that perhaps I really am the best choice she has right now. Things are getting back to normal though, now that it’s on him to make it happen rather than me saying it can’t happen. She has chilled out and we’re just going on about our business. I also have a little birdie in my ear telling me its time to quit making nice and start standing up for Em and myself. To finally put an end to this nonsense once and for all and quit worrying about making Bub mad at me all the time. The silly boy is right of course; I’ll never truly be free of Bub unless I toughen up. I went to visit another lawyer last week, a hardass chick who specializes in family law and child custody. Basically Bub wouldn’t stand a chance, which I knew, but it’s nice to hear it nonetheless. She even reduced her retainer fee for me knowing that he would have absolutely no ground to stand on. I didn’t give her the go ahead though because I found her to be an absolute shrew of a woman and I decided I’d rather shop around than be subjected to her crudeness. The first turn off was her chain smoking throughout the consultation. Are people even allowed to do that in offices anymore? Ick.

New chick just found out she has Hepatitis C, which is transmitted through blood, primarily by sharing needles. Karma baby. There’s a chance Bub has it too, though he’ll have to wait to be tested, as it doesn’t show up for at least six months after contact. Don’t ask why he might have it, you don’t wanna know. I’ll just say this; it’s only transmitted through blood, not sexual contact, and he’s never been a needle user. Seriously, you don’t wanna know.

Oh, and get this; he’s still jobless (of course) and they have been trying survive on new chick’s disability (crazy) check. But they are completely out of money and have no food, so the idiot actually had the nerve to ask me if I knew anyone looking to score pills because new chick has prescription narcotics and he thought this might be a good way to earn some grocery money. Um…. Hello? As if I would know anyone who would buy his drugs! Who is this man?? Then he asked if he could borrow the money it would take to get said prescription filled so that the pills could even be sold in the first place. Honestly, I’m not sure what else to say. We didn’t live this seedy life when we were together, so to see where he is now, well, I’m speechless.

But somehow in his head none of this matters because he believes he can still provide a loving home for Em. Because in Bubba world there’s a logical explanation for everything and as long as he believes something to be true, then it is, no questions asked. Perhaps its time for Bubba world to meet the legal world? Now wouldn’t that be a sobering experience?

2008-03-16T23:20:00.000-05:00

Waves white flag in defeat, I surrender. Make nice and all will be well cuz really, what choice do I have? Plenty. But none worth taking. She wants to live with him, mostly because I said she can’t I suspect. So be it. There are conditions. He must have a job, transportation and a room for her, oh yeah, and he can’t kill himself either. Mwahaa. (Snide sideways glance of indignation.) So fine, meet the criteria (snicker, good luck with that) and you both get your way. I give it three weeks tops. Its almost as if she has to put herself through this shit again periodically just to remember how bad it was. I’ve blocked a lot of it too, but at least I retain enough to remind me to keep my distance. Ahhh distance, what a lovely thought, sigh…

I’m working on getting myself disentangled from him financially, with regard to back taxes. I have filed a claim to get relief from liability of the tax debt we owe from the last time we (or he) actually filed taxes in 2001. Because I filed this claim I was able to keep my tax return this year, unlike last year when they took the whole damn thing. This year though, all is well so far. I’ll even get to partake in the stimulus package this time around too. There was one a few years ago if I remember correctly but we wouldn’t have gotten it even if we had filed our taxes. Anyway, all of this is coming in quite handy because I’ll finally be able to pay off my credit card debt (acquired while work was almost nonexistent) aaaaaand be able to afford mine and Em’s road trip out west this summer!! That’s right, we’re headed back to sunny California! But wait; hold on to your hats for this, we’re going with my brother, sil, and their THREE kids… all in one minivan. Two 10-year-olds, one 7-year-old and one 3-year-old. Teehee, this should be interesting.

I’d like to visit the silly boy this summer too, but who knows how that whole thing is gonna work out. It’s a lot to ask y’know? To knowingly invite another into this chaos. Its really not fair of me to do that to him, so I’m kinda thinking it may be better to forget the whole thing now. Even if I really don’t wanna. It would be hell though, to have another man, and a nice one at that, competing for Em’s attention. Bub wouldn’t have it, not a chance. No matter what, no other man will ever be good enough to receive his blessing as a “father figure” for Em, and he’ll illustrate his disapproval at every opportunity. I’ve been kidding myself thinking that it might be ok somehow. I should have just stuck with the cat lady idea like I was supposed to. Plus the silly boy wants kids and I simply cannot go that route again. Just can’t… won’t. This is something that I know in the core of my being and will not negotiate on. Take it or leave it baby, take it or leave it.

I must admit I’m rethinking this whole single mom, work and school full time gig I have going here. I don’t know how people do it. My writing teacher said, “they don’t have kids and they live at home with their mom’s doing their laundry.” Yeah, makes sense, hence the term “non traditional”. Too bad that category doesn’t come with free childcare and more lenient deadlines. But then again, how fair would that be? People do this all the time, I know they do, I’ve seen the success stories. Yet here I am, hanging on by the skin of my teeth wondering just what in the hell I was thinking. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have done a lot of things. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

2008-02-25T23:41:00.001-06:00

My research paper is finished. That was a learning experience not having done one since high school, well over 10 years ago. It could have been better, it could have been worse. Perhaps next time I’ll devote more time and effort… oh who am I kidding? Procrastination is my middle name. Apparently it’s a family name, *wink wink. ;-) Oh well, that’s that. I’m exhausted, my head is spinning, and I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. It seems to be three steps forward, two steps back with Em; regression typically occurring after any type of contact with Bub, go figure. It’s just too much sometimes. I wish he would just go away. Its wrong, I know, he’s her daddy, whatever, I wish it nonetheless. Perhaps then she could finally stabilize and know life without unnecessary chaos and drama. He’s doing that “he said, she said crap”. Filling her head, distorting her perception. It takes everything in me not to sink to his level and fire back “my side” of things. But I refuse, its beneath me and not healthy for Em. I simply told her that she knows me and knows what type of person I am through consistent decisions and actions. She must come to her own conclusions about what she’s heard because I refuse to defend myself or explain adult matters to her. This is, of course, why I work so hard to keep the peace. Because when I dare to cross him, well, all is fair in love and war. Shoulda picked her up and had him committed two weeks ago when he called me with his nonsense. Shoulda woulda coulda. I’m so flippin’ tired.

I went to see Vantage Point this weekend (high five to Alex, great minds think alike). I thought the incessant rewinding somewhat superfluous, but it was a fun and actiony flick regardless. As I sat alone waiting for the film to begin I noticed an unnerving desire to have someone there with me to share in the entertainment. Namely images of the silly boy were conjured as I imagined the comforting scenario. Perhaps my stoic cat-lady persona not as impermeable as once thought? I honestly never thought I’d need or want someone at my side again… never say never.

2008-02-18T23:25:00.001-06:00

All right, I suppose its time. The last few weeks have not been some of my most shining examples of motherly wisdom, hence the pic in my last post. Em stayed with Bub for a week as a sort of experiment. Her behavior has been out of control, no respect, and no desire to follow directions. So we tried this out, at her therapist’s recommendation, to scare her straight if you will. Which it did, I certainly regained some much needed structure and control. But then the other shoe dropped and I’m straight back in the midst of Bubbaland crazymaking. While Em was still there, asleep thank god, he called me because he and new chick had been fighting and he was suicidal (again). I knew he wouldn’t kill himself with Em there so I told him to suck it up and go to opposite ends of the trailer until morning when I could pick her up. I didn’t want to subject her to this craziness if I could avoid it. I’m wishing I had just gone over there now and had him committed but you know how that damn hindsight is. Anyway, I of course told him that she would no longer be staying over there (well duh) and he flipped (double duh). I’m sure most rational human beings would recognize that perhaps they shouldn’t be responsible for a child when they’re so royally screwed up, but this is Bub we’re talking about. He actually said to me, “I thought we were friends and I could confide things to you without you using them against me.” My reply? I’m her mom first. (That one earned an “atta girl” from the silly boy, *blush) Anyway, he’s pissed in typical Bubba fashion and quite frankly I could care less. I’m not sick over it, I’m not stressing over it, I’m just dealing with it through uncanny steadfast resolve, which I have to admit, I find utterly fascinating. He’s throwing all kinds of crap at me; accusations, innuendo, Bubba logic, threats, etc. Yes, threats, though thinly veiled they were. In his effed up head I’m totally in the wrong here and have no leg to stand on, so if I don’t cooperate then he’ll not cooperate either. Meaning that he’ll engage in some sort of a custody battle with me. LMAO!! I just said, I understand Bub, do whatever you think is necessary. Idiot. So that’s what I’m dealing with in a nutshell. There is, of course, so much more to the story than this, but I’m tired… in more ways than one.

2008-02-03T12:24:00.000-06:00

2008-01-30T15:32:00.000-06:00

Bub’s back. He’s in a nasty little crime-ridden, drug-infested trailer park.. the only place that would take him with no reference or credit check and no deposit. How he plans to pay the rent next month I haven’t a clue, nor do I care. It was one thing after another before the move as he scurried about trying to pull his shit together. Can we stay at your place one or two nights? No. Can I use your credit card to secure the U-haul? No. Would you come get us in your van, I’ll pay you? Ha, suuuuuure! No. Can we borrow your van when we get into town? No. Can you? No. Will you? No. Have you? NO!!! Each met with a petulant ok, fine or whatever.

I’m tired. Work started back up in earnest this week… then stopped again. The project got temporarily put on hold because of some technical issues but we should be back to business by Monday. It’s funny, after my first real day back I realized that I had almost forgotten what it was like to work for a living. I certainly did enjoy my bum status while it lasted, except of course for those pesky bills that still needed paying. Hmm, oh yeah… those. But that’s what student loans are for right?

I’m getting into the swing of my first major research paper, this should be interesting. I’m researching the effects of implanted or false memories on patients, their families, and the psychiatric community. This was the topic of a much smaller paper I wrote last semester in psych so I’m using that as my starting point and delving in much deeper with this paper. I figured it couldn’t hurt to expand on something that I already had resources for, especially since I didn’t get to take it nearly as far as I would have liked in the smaller paper last semester. All else seems to be going well. I’m still plugging along and thoroughly enjoying the social interaction and semi-adult conversations. No, I don’t mean X-rated… well, most of the time. ;-)

Speaking of X-rated, it seems that new chick’s 18-year-old son has a “thing” for me. Um, ewwwww! He’s a cute kid and sweet and all but OMFG! Seriously awkward and creepy. He thinks I’m a MILF apparently, gee, how nice to know. I think I’ll stick with grown-ups though, thank you very much. Bub thinks it’s hilarious of course and eggs him on all the time. Lovely.

We got hit with some major wind here yesterday. Enough to send a good patch of my shingles flying and to take my mailbox off its post. Most of the houses in my area had minor to significant roof damage, luckily mine was on the minor side. I’ve found this wonderful local handyman who works fast and cheap so I called him and he was able to come out today and fix it in under 30 minutes for only $55.00. I also used him to fix my disposal and the front toilet last month for only $50.00, and on Christmas Eve no less! Talk about a deal. I’ve told him that he’s my guy for everything and that I’ll call him first. It seems the whole state got in on the action; below is a pic of my sil’s house, about 40 miles away.

Luckily it missed everything important, thank goodness!! Its funny too, she told me that they had already been talking about getting that tree removed… so there ya go! Karma baby. ;-)

Wait, there's more...

2008-01-23T23:21:00.000-06:00

He actually had the audacity to ask me if he could “borrow” my address in order to file for unemployment today. Since he’ll cease to have a viable address in the very near future he thought he’d just use mine instead. Um, hellooooooo? So I quickly began listing off all of the other alternatives he could go with, none of which were acceptable because none were what he wanted from me. In the end I simply said I’m sorry Bub, I just don’t feel comfortable with that, which was met with stunned silence as he waited for me to acquiesce like I was supposed to do. I didn’t. Then, knowing how intense his displeasure for me likely was at that moment, I asked, “was that all you needed?” “Um… I guess so.” dripping with contempt and still awaiting my compliance. Me- Okay, bye! Him- Whatever. Eeeeek! I’m sure I’ll get it for that one but dayum! As if I need to be caught up any further in his ever-evolving web of deceit. Especially since the FBI is probably watching my every move already. Just kidding, I’m sure they’re not really watching me… right?

I also decided it was best not to mention the fact that he wouldn't likely qualify for unemployment benefits anyway since he always engineers it so that he's a contractor rather than a full time employee. Nothing can be garnished from his wages that way and he doesn't bother to file taxes anyway so its always been a win win situation for him... until now that is. Bummer dude, tough luck. *snicker

2008-01-22T16:14:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Bub had his car repossessed lest he be issued an arrest warrant for grand theft auto. He also received an eviction notice for his apartment in Memphis since he hasn’t been paying the rent. Today he was informed that FedEx would no longer be needing his services and that he was not to show back up. Just like that, one fell swoop, everything gone. Almost enough to make ya feel sorry for the guy… almost.

I knew he hadn’t bothered making payments on the car they bought 2 months ago, primarily because someone from the car lot showed up here looking for him and they’ve been calling me trying to locate him for weeks now. *Funny side note; when the car lot guy came knocking on my door it was only a few days after Bub informed me of the FBI inquiry into his server activities. So when this strange man showed up asking for Bub I just knew it had to be the eff bee eye come to search the premises! Alas, no search ensued, but the dude was awful anxious to locate Bub nonetheless, or more importantly, the stolen vehicle in question. I digress. My point was that I knew he hadn’t been making any car payments but I figured he was at least making sure to keep a roof over their heads. That’s what I get for assuming anything with idiot boy huh? Pfffft. Anyway, all this he tells me as he is walking home from what was to be his last day of work (still unbeknownst to him at the time), the whole while reiterating the intricate sob story of how he’s been so wronged and was justified in not assuming the responsibility for any of this mess. Woe is me, the world against Bub, sigh… He has an excuse for everything of course, and it even sounds pretty darn convincing like always, but I’ve heard it all before. So and so did this so what was I to do? Such and such happened, I had no other choice. This bill collector had the audacity to be rude to me on the phone so I have no intention of working with them now, that’ll teach them to disrespect me. Blah blah blah, same shit different day.

Poor new chick, she hasn’t the mental stability to endure this I’m afraid. And this is just the start of what is yet to come; the vomitus roller coaster of life with Bub. She really deserved a good guy this time around, she’s been through so much, but Bub is what she got. Sometimes life is simply unfair. I delicately explained the sitch to Em, ever mindful of my words in front of her, and her response? That’s what he gets for being so irresponsible and not paying his bills on time. I wish daddy would just grow up. Hmmm.

So he’ll pick up his last check on Thursday, gather their few belongings this weekend, and beg plead and borrow their way back to Arkansas, destination yet unknown. No car, no home, no job. And to think, this could have been Em and me with him; would have been in fact, were it not for all of you.

2008-01-21T14:10:00.000-06:00

So what's the correlation between today being the most depressing day of the year and the world stock indexes rivaling post 9/11 losses? Hmmmm...

A little funny just cuz..

Lolcats 'n' Funny Pictures

2008-01-15T00:35:00.000-06:00

The silly boy would like to read my blog. Um… noooo! Its personal I said, but its online for the world to see, he countered. It’s different somehow. Perhaps I’ll let you read the memoir someday I joked. Satisfied. Appeased for now, phew!! No annoyance, no lists of reasons why I should give in or guilt trips, just playful countering then acceptance. Now was that so hard? Good guys are an interesting breed, not quite sure what to make of them yet. ;-) He asked if he could buy Em a bike since hers was stolen some time back. I didn’t think it was a good idea but I have such trouble telling people no. His offer was sweet and wrought with only the best of intentions, but as yet inappropriate nonetheless. He could tell I was apprehensive so he said to think it over, no biggie. I called my mom to get her advice and she agreed that it wasn’t a good idea because of Em’s attachment issues. And I simply wasn’t comfortable allowing her to think that it came from me if it didn’t, even though he had suggested that as an option to quail my concern. So I get myself all psyched up to turn down his perfectly lovely and generous offer when he says, you know what, I thought about it and I don’t think it’s such a good idea either. Simple as that. Rational, reasonable, practical and considerate. Who’da thunk? Silly boys...sigh.

I love my world lit teacher, what a character!! My math class actually seems interesting; things I’ll need in the real world like figuring probability and statistics. My comp 2 prof ended up being switched to someone else in the department, which I was fairly bummed about but not enough to deal with the headache of changing my schedule. And then there’s public speaking… Why oh why must we put ourselves through such turmoil just to get a degree under out belts? You know more people are afraid of speaking in front of a group than they are of dying? Helloooooo? What does this say? Oh… I guess it says that we should all take a public speaking course in order to overcome our fears huh? Okay, okay, I concede the point, but damn! Grumble, hiss, snarl…

2008-01-10T12:42:00.001-06:00

Jen, for people as big as we are/were the motives must cease to be aesthetically driven and focus primarily on the health benefits. Not that the aesthetic benefits are not apparent as well, especially on the outside. But the cold hard truth is that there is little possibility of morbidly obese people ending up with what could be considered a “normal” body beneath the clothes, at least not without reconstructive surgery. It sucks monkey nuts but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It’s a hard pill to swallow and simply not one that I’ve managed to get down as of yet. But despite that, the incredible increase in quality of life after substantial weight loss far outweighs the suckiness of saggy skin. I didn’t mean to diminish the important aspects of getting our health on track, I was simply bitching and moaning (again) about the damage I’ve done by consistently choosing brownies over a long, energetic life. Too bad those don’t come in chocolate too huh? ;-) Point is, it scares the shit outta me that I may actually have to allow someone else to see me nekkid again eventually, thus the reoccurrence of the woe is me, kicking myself for what I’ve done crap. If I could have surgery after I re-lose some of this weight I would in a heartbeat. And the fact that surgery will likely never be a possibility really challenges my motivation. But dammit, I gotta do it anyway, we all do, cuz that’s just the way it is. Capisce?

2008-01-09T00:43:00.000-06:00

Happy new year! 2008, a fresh new start. Wonder what this year will bring? Em went back to school on Monday, I start back on Thursday. Work has been painfully slow, but should hopefully pick up in the coming weeks. The weather has been crazy, warm cold, warm cold, even winter tornadoes today, gee, how fun. My driver’s side windshield wiper decided to stop working while driving Em to school (in the rain of course) this morning. Makes a girl wanna crawl back under the covers y’know? Which I technically could have done since I didn’t have any work today, but that made it even more depressing, thus not a viable option. So I stayed glued to CNN most of the day and ran errands after the rain stopped. The New Hampshire primary was fun this evening, Clinton and Obama neck and neck to the end. Good times. Hmm, is this akin to the hub-bub that so many attribute to sports? Never quite understood that one, but perhaps I really do after all, interesting.

Bub informed me that he plans to start yet another business soon. Another computer store, as if his first failed attempt wasn’t lesson enough, sigh… I imagine it must be pretty difficult for him to have such an entrepreneurial mind yet none of the business savvy to attain success. Well, it would be difficult I suppose if he realized that he has no business sense, which he obviously doesn’t, thus repeated failed business attempts. Still feeling badly for new chick, she hasn’t a clue what she’s in for regarding his hair-brained ideas and his never-ending search for the one that hits it big. Luckily she has low standards and a long history of instability so when the bottom falls out she should manage all right. At least the marketing idea is cute and catchy, who knows, maybe this could be the… oh hell, who am I kidding?

I’m feeling incredibly insecure about body issues right now. Yes, I’ve regained weight, fallout from my trip to the edge last year. But it’s not even that really; it’s the stuff that can’t be fixed and head stuff. Feeling ‘less than’ somehow, unworthy of physical attraction. Stemming from interactions with the silly boy I’m sure, after all, its been longer than I can remember since I’ve actually cared how I appear to members of the opposite sex. Well, now I care (*blush) and it’s messing with me. I so wish I could have an attractive body; not perfect, nor rail thin.. just average but minus the saggy skin and droopy pouches. To have a body that has never been morbidly obese, y’know those ones that are supposed to “bounce back” after weight loss. Heh, bounce back, *snicker. It bugs the crap outta me that this bugs me so much, but it does and dammit how exactly does one learn to just accept their body for what it is? Oh woe is me, life’s not fair, whaaaa. K, I’ve whined, I’m finished now. Still pisses me off though, bleh.

2007-12-28T18:22:00.000-06:00

Em’s been with Bub for a few days so I’m all alone and I must admit I’m feeling somewhat blue. Not sure why but I’ve been re-living stuff and it hasn't been fun. It was super bad Wednesday night, I couldn’t sleep, and my mind wouldn’t let me rest. Rehashing old crap, feelings, and events from the Bubba years. It sucks when you can’t get out of your own head long enough to get a decent night’s sleep. I’m okay though, its just stuff. I've been watching movies, reading and listening to music to pass the time. I went to see I Am Legend today, fantastic! I'm dying to read the book by Richard Matheson now, which I probably should have done first, but oh well, its too late now. I'm reading A Time To Kill by John Grisham and The Odessa File by Frederick Forsyth right now, I also read The Afghan by Forsyth a few weeks ago which I would highy recommend as well. And then I have The Waitress rented for tonight, which I have a feeling will be difficult for me to watch, but I seem intent on torturing myself that way, so there you have it. My baby returns home tomorrow (Saturday), thank goodness. Then perhaps things can get back to normal and I can stay outta my head for a while. We'll see...

Em called me on the sly last night upset, she feels badly for new chick because, as she put it, things are exactly the same for her as they were for me. She told me how daddy talks at new chick for hours and she just says yes dear blankly or curls up in a ball. The only difference is that he sometimes does his “talking” in their room with the door closed (he didn’t typically bother to hide it when lecturing me) and that they smooch afterwards (something we never did for the last 10 years or so). She even feels a little bad for Bub since she knows he’ll have to go through another breakup eventually, but not too bad because he’s doing this to himself. She’s a smart one that girl. But mostly she’s sad for new chick because she likes her and she’s seen first hand what Bub can do to a person. Em knows new chick has been through some pretty bad relationships and she says it’s not fair that she’ll have to go through it again with daddy. She doesn't deserve another mean man momma, it’s not fair. No baby, it’s not fair.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2007-12-24T20:29:00.000-06:00

That silly boy continues to make me smile. He’s still living abroad (returning home to Vancouver in January) and had a day trip with family planned for xmas today (its already xmas day there). He checked in with me just now and told me how he’d rather be spending the holiday with Em and I just hanging out and doing xmas stuff together. What a fun, lovely thought… *blush*

I ran into a dear friend from my old telemarketing job on Friday. This girl has always held a special place in my heart. When I met her she was so young and had just given birth to her first baby. Her longtime boyfriend was this horrible, entitled, lazy, drug-abusing boy of a man who treated her like absolute crap and I so desperately wanted to help her, or to save her, or… I dunno. She was so sweet and vulnerable, and with anyone but him so vibrant and strong. With him, she was like me with Bub except worse because he hit her and was into drugs and not holding down a job apparently. Oh how I tried to make her see that she deserved more than this life with him. Just like how you all tried to make me see that I deserved more than my life with Bub. Which is funny because I was still deeply ensconced in my resolve to stick it out with Bub at the time of our meeting and subsequent friendship. This was before my blog and all of you, so even though I couldn’t yet see any hope for me, I was able to recognize how wrong it was for another to live that way and I tried to help her. She went through ups and downs. The baby was taken away and placed with family for a period because of domestic abuse and drug use by the dad. He explained it all away of course, cuz that’s what they do, and so she stayed. She stayed and made it work, taking the weight of the world on her shoulders, trying to please everyone, and to be the best mom she could once she proved herself worthy once again. My god how we rejoiced that day; that sweet, beautiful little baby back in her mother’s arms where she rightfully belonged. I cried the day she was taken and I cried the day she was returned. There was a pregnancy scare the next year. I took her to get a test and thankfully it came out negative. He refused to use contraceptives and the last thing this confused girl needed was another person to take care of. I did what I could, perhaps more than I should have, yet on she stayed never quite convinced that it could be any other way. As with anything, this was something that she had to decide for herself, and that decision never came. She eventually left the job and left town and we lost touch. I eventually left the job too yet I continued to think and wonder about her, hoping that she was safe and happy somehow. I saw her once the next year, a brand new baby boy in tow, same dad, I knew that nothing had changed. And then there she was in Wal-Mart, baby girl now 4 years old, and baby boy now two. There she was, happy and smiling and healthy and strong. The vibrant girl that I remembered standing there before me, more matured and mother of two of the most beautiful children I’ve seen in recent history. I hugged her, and I hugged her babies who were no longer babies, and we talked and laughed and caught up on each other’s lives. She seemed so happy and healthy and strong, and I knew, I just knew she must have left that man-boy, I was so sure of it. But no, that wasn’t the case. She said he had finally stepped up as a man and a father, and was taking responsibility for both, even holding down a job for more than a year now. As she proclaimed a happier, healthier relationship I searched her eyes looking for the truth that those windows into the soul always reveal. What I saw was the watery fatigue of a too bright, forced smile, the same guise that I had worn so well. I wanted to believe her so badly but somehow I just couldn’t, not after recognizing my own weariness in her eyes. Because I know that people like him don’t typically change, and that people like her and I tend to stick with what we know for fear of what we don’t know. So I told her how happy I was for her while casting my own eyes downward in an effort to hide the knowing truth that lie behind them, and I hugged her and her and I hugged her babies again and that was that. After all of these years of wondering my questions were finally answered. Same same same. But at least she looked happy and healthy and strong…

I think I understand now, what it must have been like for all of you knowing I had resigned myself to a life with Bub and not being able to do anything about it except love me and support me and be there for me when I was finally ready to reach out for help. So that’s what I’ll do for her, and who knows what the future may bring.

2007-12-20T15:58:00.000-06:00

I got a C in World History, a C!!! >:( I’m slightly perturbed if you couldn’t tell… a freakin’ C… sheesh! I had a nice solid B all throughout the semester and then this, wtf? I must have totally bombed the final; it was worth 30% of my grade. But a C? I don’t get it. My mom suggested that I talk with him and see just what I screwed up so badly on, and I may do that, but I figure he’s been doing this long enough that if he thinks I deserve a C then he’s probably right. It was a tough class, especially the final, but a C? hmmmm… I also got A’s in Govt. & Comp 1, and a B in Psych. Although, and I kid you not, I was literally 1.5 points shy of an A in psych. 1.5 points!! But he’s a statistics man and I knew that a measly 1.5 points would make no difference, so a B it is. That’s fine, I was going for all A’s and B’s… and apparently a stupid freakin’ C! Grrrrrrr. My GPA is 3.25 though, so still sufficient enough to apply for most scholarships, which I intend to do cuz this student loan crap is for the birds! I hope to qualify for and receive enough scholarship funding each year to carry me through, so keep your fingers crossed will ya?

A freakin’ C, pffffft!

I finally registered for classes next semester, which was no easy feat with the persnickety online registration system btw, but I conceded that I had procrastinated long enough so I rallied the gumption to figure the damn thing out and I got-r-done. I’ll be taking comp 2 (academic writing and research) with the same writing prof. that I had this semester, Basic Oral Communication (public speaking), World Literature, and Mathematics in Society (the absolute lowest level math class I could get away with). Math isn’t exactly my strong point if you couldn’t tell, and thank goodness I only have to take this one math course, and no accounting or anything like that, woohoo! There will be some statistics courses, but I’m purposefully not thinking about that right now. I’ve also decided on my minor, which I’m apparently required to have according to my advisor. Who knew? I checked out a few things of interest but quickly decided upon sociology after some review of the kewl courses. I’m sooo looking forward to upper level classes in both psych and sociology! Criminology, abnormal psychology, theories of personality, I LOVE this stuff! I actually toyed with the idea of switching my major to sociology and minor to psychology, but if I want to get my masters and eventually go into a counseling setting then I’ll need to stick with psych.

Well, new chick did not catch preggers. Duh, no surprise there but at least it supplied Bub with a few solid days of much needed drama. Of course Em then asks me (since I was the one to break this news to her) why he bothered to tell her if he wasn’t sure cuz she had just started getting used to the idea. Good question baby, hmmmm. He also already hates his job and wants to quit and move back to Arkansas. No surprise there either, it was just a matter of time. Not a lot surprises me anymore; Bub’s antics aren’t worth the waste of norepinephrine. I suppose once you’ve been on the roller coaster long enough the thrill fades and you just settle in to the dips and turns. Or you just wanna get the hell off! ;-)

2007-12-17T23:37:00.000-06:00

School is finished for the semester, phew! Grades are still forthcoming; I’ll post ‘em when I have ‘em, but all’s looking good. It sure is nice to take a breather although I’m still uncertain what to do with myself at times. It’s odd to realize that I have no reading to do or papers to prepare. But then the reality of all the neglected housework sets in and I remember that there is always something to do, sigh… ;-)

Bub called Em yesterday just to tell her some mondo big news. Apparently new chick is late and might be preggers. Wait… let’s allow that to sink in a moment shall we? He called Em specifically to tell her that new chick might be knocked up. No actual confirmation or anything, and forget the fact that she’s had her tubes tied, he still felt it was something he should go ahead and share with his daughter nonetheless. Idiot. In his mind it was something that she needed to know right away, regardless of appropriateness, so he told her. Just like how he informed her last week that he was suicidal over the summer and that the only thing that got him through it was thinking of her. As if a 10-year-old needs the weight of that on her shoulders. I know it shouldn’t by now, but I swear his stupidity still surprises me at times. Em was understandably freaked by the news (pregnancy) but whether its reality or not, she really hasn’t much choice but to deal with it now does she?

He also informed me (a few weeks ago, before the pregnancy thing) that he and new chick are considering adopting a friend’s baby. This he asked me NOT to share with Em until they were sure, but let’s not go there shall we? *smacks head. Apparently it’s an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy, so they thought, why the hell not? We can raise the kid. You just can’t make this shit up.

Oh but wait, there’s still more. No, I’m not joking…there really is more. The FBI yes the F…B…I contacted him today to ask him to explain some questionable internet activity on his server. Apparently they’ve been investigating this activity for a while now; they went to our old house (his last known place of residence) and to his old job here in town. They know he hasn’t filed taxes in who knows how long and if they don’t get the answers they’re looking for then they’ll proceed with an in-depth investigation including speaking to everyone he knows and searching property. He says the guy whose trailer he stayed in for a while is the culprit behind the “questionable activity”. Apparently he gave this dude an account on his server and the guy proceeded to hack ebay and paypal with it. Nice. Now he just has to prove that it wasn’t him. This should be fun. Oh and by the way he tells me, don’t panic but I’ll be down this weekend to take care of the not so legal things that I have in your garage. I swear to god I thought he was going to tell me that he had drugs in my garage and I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise just waiting for him to say it. But no, its just his hundreds of pirated software cds and movie dvds, though still in MY garage. And just be aware, he tells me, they might end up searching your house and your computer for info on me, y’know, so keep that in mind if you’re involved in anything un-kosher. Um, helllloooo? Who exactly do you think I am dude? Damn, guess I’ll have to shut that child porn ring down now. WTF? Alright, I’m done.

Well, Em stuck it out through the whole semester in her advanced math class, but once they reconvene after Christmas break, she’ll be back to regular ol’ math with the original teacher whom she adored. It was just too much for her I’m afraid. Not that she can’t do it, she just can’t handle the stress and anxiety that come with it. Rather the stress and anxiety that comes with her. I wish so desperately that she wasn’t so high strung, that she could just relax a little and go with the flow. But she requires perfection and continuity, and anything less is simply unacceptable apparently. She’s back in therapy btw, and we’re considering medication to help with the anxiety and uncontrollable outbursts. Other than Bub falling off a high cliff, I don’t know what else to do for her, except love her and remain constant for her now that she needs stability the most. I so didn’t want to screw her up y'know? But when you know better you do better, when you know better you do better…

2007-12-07T20:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, so now that I’ve spilled the beans I’m not quite sure what else to say. How do I follow an admission of that caliber y’know? Thank you everyone, for all the advice and encouraging me to go for the blush, I needed to hear that. Who knows if anything will actually come of this though, he’s long distance (we met online of course, y’all know how antisocial I am), but we’ll see, I have time. I suppose, if nothing else, just knowing that I could allow myself to be open to the possibility again is huge, and perhaps something I needed to realize before my official cat lady ordainment took place. Anyway, ‘nough of that, there I go blushing again… ;-)

Its been super busy around here, papers due, tests to take, ug. Why exactly do professors find it necessary to squeeze on last test in there the week before finals? Is that funny to them in some sick, twisted way? I’m obviously not amused. I’ve only cried once though, so by that measure I’m doing quite well. Classes are over for the semester, I just have to make it through finals next week and I’m finished until January. The break will be nice and much needed, I can assure you. Work has been terrible, but only in the sense that there’s been none. Things typically dry up around this time of year because our client’s budgets do as well. Y’know, its funny, I knew this would likely happen yet I simply failed to consider the impact it would have on me. Last year I still had the church lady job so even though it was tight, it certainly wasn’t devastatingly so. This year? Well let’s look on the bright side; at least I’ve had ample time to devote to papers, tests and my upcoming finals. I’ve also decided that life would be considerably easier were it not for all that pesky work getting in the way. Ahhh, to be independently wealthy… Oh well, anything worth having is worth working for. So on we go.

There’s a silly boy...

2007-11-30T23:40:00.000-06:00

One who makes me smile… and blush, as well as question my self-imposed spinsterhood. Intelligent, charming, autonomous, wickedly clever, compassionate, and serenely laid back. He calls me sweetie y’know, as the blush rises quickly to my cheeks, but he says it almost absentmindedly as if it never occurred to him not to. Sweetie… You all would love him I think… I wonder if I could some day too? To love another, to give of myself so fully once again, opening myself up to whatever may come. To risk losing myself once more, when I’ve only just begun to figure me out, is it really worth it I wonder? How frighteningly vulnerable it would feel, almost unbearably so… almost. I don’t need this now. I don’t need this now. This wasn’t in the plans, the timing couldn’t be worse, yet here I am, so who am I to question? He listens to me with genuine interest and gives credence to my words and opinions. He shares his world with me and I want to do the same. He gives me the space that I need, and comfort as well. He sends me news links because he knows I love that, and pics of interest and of all the worldly places he’s seen or has yet to because he knows I love that too. We share interests and views, ideology and political dogma. He challenges me to think in a bigger realm and to embrace my full potential without having to prove my intelligence or myself because he already knows somehow… he just knows. Plus, he makes me smile… and blush… and he calls me sweetie. I like him, and he says he likes me too. Maybe a lot more than I anticipate he warns, yet he’s gentle and considerate and he gives me the time and space I need, cuz that’s what good guys do right? That’s what good guys do… Mom, Aunt Sandy, Alex, Jilly, Sandi, I know you have good guys, anyone else want to chime in here as well? Grandpa was a good guy, extraordinary in fact; we should all be so lucky as Grandma, its no wonder she still misses him so after seven long years. Has it really been that long? Y’know, I still suck in my breath each time I hear a man with Grandpa’s distinctive voice, a smile spreading widely across my lips as the memories come flooding back. And I think Grandpa would approve, so that must say something right? Mark, I think you would approve too, and that means a lot to me because it is you who should have been my dad, and because it is you who reminds me of Grandpa in so many ways. Thank you for being one of the good guys btw, for loving mom and making her happy, and for being her sweetie.

I have no confidence in myself, or in my judgment. I have no concept of boundaries (obviously, just read below to see evidence of that). I wasn’t supposed to find myself in this position again, yet here I am, fully ensconced and wondering what the hell to do. What in the hell should I do? Throw caution to the wind? Not a chance. Not as a single mom with an emotionally vulnerable daughter, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take. So what then? Good question.

I’m scared.

I cautiously broached the subject of having a man in our lives with Em the other night as it somehow came up in conversation. The prospect has always terrified her (we’ve discussed this before) yet for the first time she actually considered it, if only for a moment, wondering what it might be like to have a nice man around, one who doesn’t yell or lecture and scare her into submission. She worries me though, she latches on so quickly and easily to any man who’ll show her attention or affection. My god, the dysfunctional relationships that await her if she stays this course. Once again kicking myself for not having chosen more wisely in her parentage. It seems that Bub’s complete mind fuck has left us both weary and fearful of men yet wanting of their attention. Y'know, even though she meant it in a much different context, I so easily relate my anxiety on this subject to that Kelly Clarkson song. Becasue of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt, because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me, because of you I am afraid…

2007-11-26T20:29:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was spent with Bub and his parents as always because my side of the family here in AR always either celebrates the Saturday after Thanksgiving or does their own thing. This is fine with me, I’m comfortable with his parents and I’ve acquired the ability to humor Bub’s… um, shall we say eccentric mother, unlike Bub and Em, she irritates them to no end. Plus, that was to be how I got my Emmy-pie back home anyway. Dinner (or lunch since ex mil insisted we eat by noon) went well, no problems there other than mil freaking out about how I made the mashed potatoes. Apparently neither milk nor pepper has a place within according to her. See where the need to humor her comes in? I reminded her very gently that this was how I make the mashed potatoes every year, and every year she has survived… so far. Well that’s not how I make mashed potatoes, she says. To which I replied, that’s why you don’t make the mashed potatoes anymore. Snicker, not only was she quiet after that, but she also ended up eating quite a helping of my repulsive mashed potatoes. Poor dear. Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff shall we? So I let Bub talk me into doing him quite a favor, being the die-hard people pleaser that I am. He still doesn’t have any furniture in his apartment in Memphis because he hasn’t had the money to move his crap there, so he asked if I would mind taking the bed his mother was giving him from her house to his apartment about an hour away. I gave in eventually, like he and I both knew I would, and we loaded it up in my minivan after the festivities were through. New chick met us there as she and her son had spent the day with her family elsewhere, and were planning to follow us back to the apartment. Bub had to ride with me (Em stayed behind with Bub’s parents) because new chick had her son, his friend and a carload of her own crap that she was taking back to Memphis with her. That’s fine, no big deal, she knows Bub and I still talk a lot and she seems to tolerate it thus far. Now for the drama, in true redneck, ghetto fabulous fashion. After a quick conversation with her, Bub gets into my car all in a huff stating that he and Lori (new chick) are fighting. Oh shit! And I’m supposed to be stuck in the car with him while he’s mad for the next hour? I immediately notice myself becoming tense at his current state of agitation, and then it starts. He’s pissed, he needs reassurance, validation and justification and he needs it from me, right NOW. He feels wronged, he feels disrespected, he feels unheard, and I feel like I’m in the effin Twilight Zone. My chest is tight; I’m shaking all over, close to hyperventilating and crying like an idiot. I am keenly aware of the fact that his anger is not directed towards me; yet there I am anyway, right back in that place with him, as if nothing has changed. I feel like a deer in the headlights, complete flight or fight hypersensitivity, and no awareness of my surroundings other than his anger and our close proximity. Perhaps if I’d been able to think clearly I’d have pulled over and asked him to get out of the car in my newfound strength and freedom. Yet that never would have been acceptable back in the day, and as I said, that’s precisely where I seemed to be so the thought never even crossed my mind. Of course now I’m fascinated by my excessively PTSD-like reaction, but in the moment it was incredibly disorienting and scary, the worst triggering episode I’ve had with him since leaving thus far. I finally manage to tell him that I needed a few minutes to collect myself and he flippantly apologizes for upsetting me, although I’m sure it never occurred to him to question or wonder why I was so upset. So after a few I begin to offer my opinion because that’s what he is waiting for and expecting me to do so that he can justify himself some more; all part of the same old routine. He blathers on, tearing apart any solution I try to offer, discounting any opinion that contradicts his own, again, per usual, and exactly what is expected of me. And then… my freaking tire blows, right there on the interstate, three lanes over and in the midst of post turkey day Memphis traffic. I somehow manage to navigate my way to the shoulder without mishap, whereupon we get out to assess the damage. Tires’ shot, no repairing that, but at least I have a donut and three boys to take care of the dirty work, since new chick was right behind us and pulled over as well. So while the boys are doing their manly duty, I head over to new chick’s car to make small talk and get out of the cold and wind. I can tell she’s not a happy camper, but dammit, I was cold! Thus ensues the tirade; new chick freakin’ lets loose! I will be damned if he’s gonna talk to me like a @%!$ 3-year-old! I’ll have my shit packed in your van (since I would be coming back to AR) so fast it’ll make his *$%^# head spin! Oh shit! Now I’m stuck in the car with her while the boys are changing the tire, and she is HOT. Was he always this way, she asks, how did you deal with him when he was like this? Ug. I try in earnest to extract myself from the precarious situation by saying that I really don’t need to get into the middle of this but she says no, I’m asking you direct questions, I need to know what I’ve gotten myself into here. Yes, I tell her, this is how it always was with him. How did you put up with it?, she asks. To which I replied in all my smart-assed glory, I didn’t, I left the bastard! We both had quite a chuckle at that, which seemed to calm her down at bit, and she proceeds to vent all her Bubba induced frustrations on me. She then tells me how he reminds her so much of her first husband who was controlling and completely overbearing (and broke her back in a violent rage). Wow. And then my absolute favorite part, the thing that made this whole dysfunctional nightmare worthwhile, she says to me, he’s quite narcissistic isn’t he? OMFG! Can you spell V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N? Dayum, new chick is a whole lot quicker than I had given her credit for, or I’m just a whole lot slower than I wanted to consider, but let’s not go there, shall we? Anyway, vent vent vent, laugh laugh laugh, and then the boys are done and its time to hit the road once again… alone…in my car… with Bub. I tried to make pleasant small talk at first, but he was having none of it. So what did she say, he asks. Oh shit again! Will this godforsaken day never end? I obviously can’t tell him everything she said, but he wants details, all of them, and NOW. So there I am, trapped in this sophomoric hell, and its up to me to diffuse the situation as well as save my own ass so I’m not in even more trouble later. I can honestly say I would literally have rather been anywhere else in the world at that very moment then there with him. I tried so gently to explain my perception of her side of the story, that perhaps she was feeling a bit smothered and disrespected. Which he then proceeded to tear completely apart with his self-righteous logic in order to justify his actions to himself, per usual. And that’s how he continued until we finally, mercifully, got to his apartment. Of course, first chance she got, new chick then asked what I told him about what she had said to me. Double ug. Anyway, we unloaded his crap as quickly as possible and I then got myself the hell outta dodge. Driving no more than 50 freakin’ mph with that impotent little donut on the interstate all the way back to his parent’s house. Where I then had to stay the night because the crappy little donut wouldn’t have gotten me the two hours back home and there was no place open on Thanksfreakingiving to get a new tire mounted. But at least it was finally quiet, and by god, it wasn’t me who was in for the all night “talk” that was sure to ensue in that tiny little apartment somewhere in Memphis.

Soooo, that was my Thanksgiving, how was ya’lls? ;-)

2007-11-25T10:34:00.000-06:00

Em's nails. New chick actually wanted her to go longer but Em refused due to her keen sense of practicality, smart girl.

Stay tuned for sooooo much more. After all, what's a typical southern, redneck, white trash Thanksgiving without a little drama? No, let me clarify, what's a Thanksgiving with Bub without drama? Feeling almost unbearably nostalgic for holiday celebrations of my childhood in CA...

2007-11-19T22:24:00.000-06:00

How’s this for fru-fru redneck? Em calls me all excited from Memphis yesterday to tell me how new chick and her idiot fiancé had our 10-year-old daughter’s nails done as a “surprise”. And I don’t just mean a shape, a trim, and a shellacking, I mean honest to god acrylic nails! She’s 10! Hellooooo? Oh, and by the way, (he says to me later) you’ll have to get them “filled in” every few weeks by a manicurist. Gee, thanks for not only turning our daughter into a hussy, but I get to pay for the upkeep as well. Are you freakin kidding me?! No offense nail ladies, there’s elegant and then there’s trashy; on a 10-year-old I see trashy, so sue me. Okay, okay, I get that little girls like to play with fake nails. I, myself, was obsessed with them at her age. But I always got the press on kind that can come off before going into public. Never, ever did my mother take me to get the real thing. Hell, I don’t even know if I asked for such a thing, but if I did then I’m sure she would have found it quite amusing and politely nixed the idea in the bud before even an iota of hope had a chance to form in my adolescent head. So yeah, I’m a bit irritated. Ya think? Pffffft! I dunno, perhaps I’m overreacting (says that incessant little voice of doubt in my head), but if so then who cares, that’s my prerogative. Acrylicfreakingnails, sheesh…

I’ve been watching grown up movies in Em’s absence this week. Why? Cuz I can, that’s why. American Beauty moves me, every time I see it… the whole thing. You know, like the scene just after Shelby’s funeral on Steel Magnolias, gut-wrenching sorrow turned to uncontrollable laughter, though not exactly. In this case its just… peace, simple, reverent peace. Its fantastic really, we should all be so lucky as Lester. He got it, that elusive click as it pertains to everyone differently. It’s out there y’know, that click. I know, cuz I had it once too... You should see some of the looks I get when I call this one of my all time favorite movies. Some people get it, many more don’t. That’s okay, whatever floats yer boat I say. A Mighty Heart was heartbreakingly beautiful. In my self-analytical ways I find great interest in what moves me and why. For those who’ve seen it I’m sure you’ll recall the scene where one of the accomplices is being interrogated, strung up from the ceiling by his hands, partiallly nude. The man is weeping as he is being “questioned”, and then he finally breaks, sobbing his answers to their unrelenting questions. He’s a bad guy; of course he’s a bad guy. Yet this bad guy is suffering inhumanely, and to the point of mental discord. No matter what, my morality does not allow my mind to reconcile the two acts of wrong in order to make a right, period. The scene depicted was brief, and by all rights tame in our post 9/11 society. Yet its briefness and tameness did nothing to quail my horror and empathy for this broken, weeping man. Perhaps its just because I can relate so easily to the anguish of being broken in ways not unlike the torture he suffered. Perhaps I’m just a bleeding heart with too much time to be alone with my thoughts this week. But whatever it is, I feel it, and in that scene, it was too much. Conjured images of Gitmo and Abu Ghraib… too much.

2007-11-16T21:16:00.000-06:00

So Bub passed his drug test... on a wing and a prayer. He was made to retake it because it showed an "unknown substance" the first time. It came out clear on the second attempt so I'm not sure if the first or second was the fluke. Makes no difference as he is now living in Memphis and gainfully employed... for the time being. ;-) There were, of course, all sorts of other drama surrounding him over the last two weeks, but honestly, what else is new? Nothing particularly noteworthy really, just stuff that makes me appreciate new chick having taken my place all the more, so I'll just leave it at that.

Well I had a heart stopping yet completely laughable moment recently. My writing prof created a blog for us to use as a forum for class discussions, to which I posted a comment as we had been instructed to do. However, said blog resides on Blogspot.com, as does the very one you’re reading now. And those of you with your own blogger blogs already know that when you post a comment, you typically do so while automatically logged in under your own blogger profile. Do ya see where I’m goin’ with this yet?? So yes, there I was, having just posted my comment, whereupon I realized that, low and behold, there is a link associated with my name, a link that would take a would be reader to my profile, and ultimately my own blog. Hello? Have we not been through this enough by now? Sheesh! ;-) So once I was sufficiently revived from my near fatal stroke, I clicked through my profile link and discovered that my saving grace was indeed in place, though I hadn’t remembered it at the time. Some time ago I locked or disabled my profile for this very reason, and now I am unbelievably grateful for that feature. Could you imagine a class full of barely pubescent 20 somethings reading and commenting on my dysfunctional ramblings? And then having to face them irl afterwards?! Although I’m sure some of my more notable posts would have made for quite the lively and humorous in-class discussion, I just don’t think we really need to go there now do we? After all, a girl must retain at least an air of mystery, don’tcha think?

Speaking of my writing class, I almost forgot to mention another particularly interesting thing that happened. Em must have gotten a sudden inspiration because she decided to pen a 12-page short story in one day. Which she then begged me to ask Miss Spears (writing prof) to read and critique for her (Em having met and become quite enamored with her previously). So sure, why not? I took it in, and not only did she read it, but she read it aloud to the whole class! OMG, it was hilarious! And not only because of Em’s deliciously witty writing style that I so adore, but also because of the numerous comments referencing her age, substantial vocabulary, and professional air. It was simply fabulous and made for an exceedingly fun class. So now Em can boast that she’s been read by a college level panel.

Also, and I promise that this will be the last reference I’ll make to my beloved writing class this post, I just got my second paper back sporting none other than an A+, yay me! This was the one that was to be about a personal belief, for which I chose the thesis of “Everything happens for a reason”. That being said, I’ll also quickly mention one particularly endearing comment I got on the paper from an anonymous peer review. The student reviewer said in his/her note that I had "successfully taken a seemingly narrow minded view and turned it into something amazing". That statement really struck a chord with me because, believe me, I’m all too aware of just how narrowly that particular belief is often viewed. So the very great compliment was taken as such, and I remain quite pleased with how the paper turned out.

In other news, Em will be spending her first extended stay with Bub this week since she is out of school for the Thanksgiving break. Saturday through Wednesday, Thanksgiving together at his mom's, then back home with me. We're both cautiously optimistic that all will go well, and I'm hoping like hell that I won't live to regret my agreeability on this one. She knows she can call anytime day or night and I'll be there. And believe me, she won't hesitate to call considering how she has almost zero tolerance for his BS since she's been away from it for so long now. Although I must admit, we've both noticed that he is much better tempered with new chick around since he's so giddy in love and all, but it will be a huge test nonetheless being that he's never actually parented her on his own before. Although I imagine that much of the day to day running of things will likely be left up to new chick since he can barely take care of himself, but I digress. Whatever occurs will be interesting I'm sure. Interesting. Trying like hell to reconcile my comfort with that term as it applies to Em's well being. Dear god, please don't let me live to regret this...

BTW, go ahead and let me have it, I know you must be dying to. WTF is she thinking?!! Good question.

Oh, and one more thing I promise, Bub has heard from the doctor and I'm afraid it's just as we've feared...

*Edited to add: No matter how ignorant the man may be, I am 100% certain that he would never smoke, drink, or ingest any mind altering substance while Em is staying with him, ever. My only true concern about her being there is his ability to handle being an actual parent for a change.

2007-11-08T16:51:00.000-06:00

“It has taken me f*ckin' years to treasure my beautiful body and know it as something other than everyone's angry, lonely playground.” -Tammy Lynn Michaels

THAT stopped me cold while perusing Hollywood Farm Girl’s blog yesterday. Thus ensued a great deal of shallow breathed, hair raising, goose-fleshed skin introspection on my behalf. I don’t quite know where to go with it just yet, but go somewhere I simply must. Although I'm afraid its something I'll have to revisit at a later date because for now, I remain utterly speechless.

C’mon, let’s waist time chasing cars around our heads, shall we?

2007-11-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

Wow, quite a day I had yesterday. I actually conveyed to Bub the depths of my hatred for him at the time of the great escape and just what it took for me to have done such a thing to anyone, let alone my husband. How exactly did this come about you ask? Another one of those damn wall breaking conversations of course. I want so desperately to believe that he’s really not “getting it” as he says he is. Perhaps because I have so much vested in the stance that he’ll never change. Yet the trusting, naïve side of me screams to believe because that’s simply how I’m made, much to my chagrin. How else could he have lured me back in those times that I had been so determined to leave? He’s not luring me now though; don’t misunderstand, he just doesn’t want to mess things up with new chick, thus the extremely candid and emotionally charged conversations of late. Jesus, didn’t I say that this wasn’t going to be a Bub blog anymore? Oh well, as Rosie says, my blog, my rules. Honestly, I don’t want it to be a Bub blog anymore, but damn if that isn’t all I can seem to talk about lately. So much happening so quickly, it’s a lot to deal with y’know? I used to not cry at all in front of him, I lost that ability at some point long ago.. probably after he told me for the last time how I only used my tears to manipulate him and that he was sick of it hearing it. Now… now it seems to come pouring out of me… I hate that. I yelled at him though, REALLY yelled, and my god it felt good. I don’t quite remember what all I said, as it’s all such a blur to me now, but I do know that I yelled… I yelled. Through my sobs and that awful ugly cry that I've come to know so well, I yelled. I felt validated and empowered… I felt defeated, and I felt oh so tired. He cried, and said he was sorry, and that he knows there’s nothing he can do to make it better, but he’s sorry nonetheless. And then he thanked me for allowing us to form this pseudo friendship given the level of hatred I had just conveyed. And then he asked me to tell him if ever I see the asshole come out again because he doesn’t want to be that guy anymore. Because he knows he screwed up with me and he doesn’t want to do that with her. I said I would try, even though it’s not my job to police his bad behavior. I said I would try because that’s how I’m made, and I want to believe him because that’s how I’m made, and I want him to experience true peace and happiness because that’s how I’m made. And sometimes I despise how I’m made…

Then I talked to my mom, cuz she’s my person, and I cried and purged some more, and told her some of the things that I hadn’t told anyone and that I couldn’t bear to yell at him about because it was too much for both of us. But I told her because I had to tell someone and she cried with me, and perhaps for me, and she was there for me like only a mother can be, and I appreciate her so much more than she’ll ever know...

And now? Now I dunno. Now I’ll just be. Perhaps that was what they call closure. Or perhaps that’s just what I’ll call closure because it sounds so nice and neat, and dammit, I deserve it.

He’s moving Tuesday for sure, with new chick of course, and the only thing that could ruin it for him now is if he fails the drug test he is required to take, which is unfortunately a very great possibility due to his spiral a few months back. I knew what he was doing, and since Em is never alone with him, all I could do was wait and watch him self-destruct. And even though I was shocked by the way he chose to do so, I also understood because, as we all know, my drug of choice is food, so who am I to judge? He’s clean now, so he says, but I just hope for all of our sakes it’s not too little too late. He needs to go, we need him to go, so keep your fingers crossed that he doesn’t ruin this as well.

There will be a lighter post soon, but for now, this is what I needed, so there you have it.

2007-11-02T22:50:00.000-05:00

Aaaaaaaaand Memphis is back on.

And to think, this is how I lived for how many years? Incredible.

2007-10-31T16:08:00.000-05:00

CRAP! Memphis fell through. Honestly, I should know better by now, yet it never fails to catch me off guard when stuff like this happens. They were hiring him contract and they called today wanting to put the contract on hold for one week because of some budgeting concerns. He said their indecision and lack of professionalism in asking him to wait right before he was set to move irritated him, so he has decided to blow them off, hence no more Memphis. He did however, ask new chick to marry him yesterday, to which she giddily agreed. Good lord, what a ride she has in store for her, and this is only just the beginning…

In other news, a friend made a comment yesterday that I found quite intriguing, thus blog-worthy of course. He mentioned that he rarely uses as much of his vocabulary with anyone as he does with me, which I thought interesting on more than one level. First, I enjoy words. While their brevity obviously eludes me, their sheer power entices and inspires me. I feel that a large vocabulary is essential to a broad view and understanding of the world and all that surrounds us. How can one find the perfect sentiment to adequately express specific emotions without at least a significant understanding of words and their meanings? Or how to describe and define true beauty, as seen in the eye of the beholder? Vocabulary, i.e. knowledge, is essential, ever evolving, and in the eye of this beholder, beautiful in its own right. Second, I found his statement somewhat disheartening. I thought it a touch sad that so many could easily overlook such a powerful tool. Especially now, in the age of text talk, which I am oftentimes guilty of myself here and do use readily in IM, I still feel it is highly inappropriate anywhere other than in the context of texting or instant messaging. And I’ll not even so much as comment on where I feel texting is appropriate, or cell phone use for that matter, but I’m sure you can imagine my views on the subject. In fact, my writing prof recently told us that she actually had more than one paper turned in with honest to god text talk intermittently spattered within. Just imagine, u for you, ur for you are or you’re, the number 2 for to or too in a college writing assignment. I kid you not, she was both amazed and appalled, and with good reason I might add. Is it really so difficult to put just a bit of forethought into our words and choose wisely? And then take it a step further and spell them out correctly whenever appropriate to do so? And don’t even get me started on the apparent inability of so many to differentiate between to too and two, your and you’re, whose and who’s, etc. Yes, it’s a pet peeve of mine that’s gotten worse with age, and I notice it in every single thing I read without fail. And now to take my notably toned down rant (as opposed to the expletive ridden one below), in an entirely different direction, I’ll have you know that not once did I consider limiting Em’s potential with nonsensical baby talk and gibberish. Instead I’ve consciously spoken up to her rather than down, with the absolute knowledge that she would rise to each occasion with either inquisitiveness or understanding. And now, I believe, because of that practice along with her inherent precociousness, her own substantial vocabulary regularly astounds and amazes even the most deferential of teachers and adults alike. She is remarkable really, and not just because of maternal bias, although I’m sure my glasses are somewhat rosily tinted much of the time, but because of the sheer imaginative power this child possesses, and her ability to express it so vibrantly in the written form. Her work, quite honestly, never ceases to amaze me. All I can do at times is just shake my head in utter disbelief and awe at what she can so effortlessly accomplish when she has a mind to. She’s a natural that girl, and obviously destined for greatness... as if any child of mine could be otherwise. ;-) teehee

Okay, stepping gingerly down from my soapbox now…

2007-10-30T00:27:00.000-05:00

Jeez, someone had a bad case of the crankies there, huh? ;-) Oh well, everyone is entitled to a good anger-filled rant every now and then aren’t they? At any rate, I’m good now, just needed to get that off my chest. So excuse my French, and back to business as usual shall we??

So, I met new chick this weekend. Teehee, that was fun! No seriously, no sarcasm here.. it really was fun. I’ve been angling to size her up for some time now. She’s funny and loud, and kinda fru-fru in a redneck sort of way. Wait.. fru-fru and redneck? The hell you say? I promise, it can be and is done all the time. Big hair, loud perfume, heavy makeup and an undying love of Nascar and anything camo…yes, camo. Did you read “redneck”? Helloooo? She seemed nice enough, in that nervous sort of “oh crap, the new chick meets the ex chick” kinda way. They looked very cute and happy together, as Bub is obviously basking in the joy of his rejuvenated narcissist supply. And I am basking in the joy of the continued attention diversion, except of course for the periodic debriefing so that I may acquire new material for the ongoing Bubba docudrama.

In other news, my next writing assignment is to create a persuasive essay. Persuasive… as in to persuade another to see an opposing view using logic and reason, and perhaps even get them to change their own. Are you freakin kidding me? Serious mental block here. I have an innate inability to persuade anyone to do anything using logic and reason. Quite honestly, I feel as though I have a real disconnect here.. like those particular synapses have ceased to fire long ago. This is totally tripping me up and I am stuck.. like a deer in the headlights. I’ve already told my Prof that I need HEEEEELP, and we plan to set up an appointment so that she can do just that. It was funny actually; she was like “what?! Of anyone I thought you would be the last person in class to need help on a persuasive paper”. It totally floored her that I was having trouble, which I definitely took as a compliment, but still…she doesn’t yet have full disclosure on just how messed up this noggin of mine really is. Oh boy, is she ever in for it! ;-)

Major History exam tomorrow…well, technically today being that its 12freakin30 and I’m still up studying, wish me luck. Then a Psych exam on Thursday..ug. Whose idea what this whole school thing anyway?? Sheesh!

2007-10-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

Well, Bub is moving to Memphis next weekend to start his new job on Nov. 5th. Yes, his lady friend is moving with him, as predicted, and they’ve already been spying engagement rings. Our 18-month separation was marked on October 21 without even a second thought from me, for which I later pondered the significance, although not with much enthusiasm. I realized that I didn’t care, and quite frankly, I really don’t care that I didn’t care. We will be filing the papers sometime in November or early December, and once final he will be a free man to marry any unsuspecting and unprepared chick he pleases. He’s got it bad apparently.. real bad. He rambles on and on about what a changed man he is, and how life doesn’t phase him anymore.. how he can just go with the flow now without the unrelenting need to be right and be heard. He tells me of different scenarios with new chick and how differently he reacts to them in comparison with how he did with me. At first I found it amusing, then somewhat sad, and then... then I got fucking pissed. What gives him the fucking right to be laid back now? After the miserable hell he put Em and I through for so many years? He was a bastard, pure and simple..an entitled, narcissistic, whacked out BASTARD. And now.. NOW, he’s a changed fucking man?! Bullshit. And y’know what’s worse? I’m pissed that I’m pissed. Oh, and then he fucking apologizes like he’s this compassionate fucking asshole that he NEVER was because I accidentally let the wall crack a bit when the full force of this “changed man” BS he was spouting hit me in the form of those goddamned tears that I seem to have no ability to control. Pfffffft, fugetaboutit...who needs this shit? Who the hell knows how to lay brick, I have a wall to rebuild...

2007-10-24T17:22:00.000-05:00

It's official:

BUB IS MOVING TO MEMPHIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes Virgina, there is a Santa Claus ;-)

More details to come...

2007-10-22T18:52:00.000-05:00

Boy, can I call ‘em or what? Bub’s gf came to visit him last Wednesday and hasn’t left since, nor has she any intention of doing so imo. He says he’s in luuuurve and that his feelings have been reciprocated. My god, what an ass...

And yes Wien, he does indeed come to me for love advice since I am the one who knows him best. But I brought this upon myself, and for good reason I might add, as I try very hard to keep him friendly and happy with me because, quite frankly, life is so much easier when he is. But also for the absolute sadistic enjoyment I (and sooo many others) get out of his idiotic antics. As I’ve said before, the entertainment value alone is simply priceless.

I’ve got my midterms already, A’s in writing and Govt., B’s in Hist and psych. I’ll take those; I haven’t the need for absolute perfection. As long as I can stay this course I’ll be quite pleased with my first college semester experience. Em, of course, has a deeply ingrained need for perfection and is freaking completely out with her one B in GT math, despite all A’s elsewhere. I can’t help wondering if she would have been this way were it not for Bub’s incessant demands for such? Perhaps its best never know what might have been. Those damn “only if’s”...

Now, since some of you have asked, here is the final version of my narrative writing essay “The Great Escape”. It is, of course, about THAT day, though a condensed version, as I didn't feel the details and a completely accurate timeline were necessary to it’s telling.

The Great Escape

The day dawned quietly with a muggy threat of rain in the air. HE had gone to work that morning, thank goodness, as his work habits were unreliable at best. The likelihood of ever changing scenarios played constantly in my head, knowing his tendencies the way I do. But the plans had long been laid, meticulously thought out, ducks formidably in a row, and now as the low trailer backed quietly into the drive my heart began to beat wildly in my chest. My mind racing with all that must be done in the precious little time that I had. No, I can’t think of the “what ifs” now, no time for that, there’s work to be done. I was doing the right thing, I was certain of that. It was no longer a matter of want anymore; it hadn’t been for some time now. Not since I realized the affect my further inaction would likely have on our lives... her life really. And so the time had finally come to delve into the deep abyss of fear and uncertainty… to carry out the finely orchestrated plan of our great escape.

My brother, having successfully parked the trailer and let down the tail, walked up to me gently, unsure of how to proceed “Hey sis, are you ready?” My resolve gave way to fear, and then quickly to sorrow. Was I ready? It had been a long row to hoe on this journey into oblivion, but this really was the day, my freedom so tangibly at hand. Yet the reality of what I was about to do came crashing suddenly down. Eyes welling and chest heaving I spun around and raced back inside, dodging the half packed boxes along the way. In the bathroom then, palms pressed firmly atop the stained old vanity, head hanging low as the tears rolled freely down my face from the body wracking "ugly cry" as Oprah calls it. At last I slowly raised my head, meeting my own determined red-rimmed eyes in the mirror as I let out a long hitching breath. This is it; the time has come, no going back now. One last sob is all I would allow myself before wiping the tears from my pallid cheeks and stepping back out to face the uncertainty that lie ahead.

The next few hours were a blur of throwing belongings into boxes and hauling the heavier items that I meant to take with me out to the trailer. My brother and I moving quickly and efficiently; never even a hint of the anger and criticism I had grown so accustomed to throughout the years of far too many moving days with HIM. I made mental note of the ease with which we worked so I could remind myself later of yet another thing I realized I wasn’t incompetent at, as I had always been led to believe. Never again would I spend another moving day (or any other for that matter) living in fear of inevitably doing something wrong, and the rage and marathon lecture sure to follow. The relentless record playing in my head, you’re not listening, you don’t know how to communicate, you’re selfish, you’re lying, you don’t try, that’s not good enough, there’s something wrong with you, you’re broken. Same shit different day... and more often than not, the same day.

As we worked HE called to let me know that he wasn’t feeling well and would likely come home early. I expected as much, no surprises there, we quickened our pace. Not long until the last of it was securely tied down and ready to go. I took one final look around at the last place we would ever share, laid the note where HE couldn’t possibly miss it, and then shut the door with a resounding thud. I dialed the phone, my heart in my throat. “You’ll need to find another ride home,” I said, “I moved out today.” “What?!” he bellowed in HIS way. “I moved out today. I’m safe, she’s safe... it’s over.” flipping the phone shut, I thought I might vomit. I turned off the phone. Dear God, what have I just done? I saved us, that’s what... and the feeling passed.

I stopped to pick my precious girl up early from school, making sure not to take any chances. She skipped out giddily, knowing why I was there. Never again would she have to spend another day living in fear of inevitably doing something wrong, and the rage and marathon lecture sure to follow. Breaking the relentless record playing in her own head; that’s not good enough, you’re not good enough, I expect better, I expect more, that’s stupid, you’re lying, you’re broken, I’ll break you… The freedom to finally be a kid sparkled vibrantly in her eyes as she hugged me tightly and asked, “Is it all done?” “Yes baby” I replied wearily, “all done.” With an extra squeeze of her little girl arms around my waist she whispered, “Then let’s go home mom, our home.” Yes home, where the heart is, because that’s all that truly matters. And so home we finally went.

2007-10-17T13:23:00.000-05:00

Bub has a girlfriend, teehee! He’s also on the brink of another major life upheaval in that it is fairly certain that he will soon take a position in Memphis, TN for FedEx’s IT department. Woohoo!! He justifies the move by telling himself that Em is getting to the age where she wouldn’t want to hang out with her parents soon anyway. Ummm, okaaaay? Whatever it takes to make it acceptable in your little head is fine by me dude. Its not like you’re an integral part of her life anyway, except when being a Disney Dad, otherwise she hasn’t much use or tolerance for you, but I digress. So the girlfriend thing... hmmm. Glad it’s her and not me sitting through the hours upon hours of talking about the pros and cons of each and every intricate nuance of this forthcoming decision. Although I do kinda feel sorry for the chick in that no one should be subjected to his nonsensical rantings, but she’s new, and the shine has yet to wear off. I’ve considered what my responsibility is in warning her of what is inevitably to come, but I’ve concluded that it is simply neither my place nor my duty. These lessons must be learned individually lest they not be learned at all. If she happens to come to me down the road with questions and concerns then I may be willing to reevaluate my position, but for now, well... like I said, glad its her and not me. Em and I certainly appreciate the attention diversion. Anyway, they’ve only had two official dates thus far, but they’ve already decided to become exclusive. Which, in turn, leads me to predict that they will be living together inside of two months, as he is simply incapable of being alone. Of course they’re both technically homeless right now so it should make for an interesting outcome in that regard. BTW, if anyone wants in on this action, the odds are excellent and the pool closes at midnight. ;-) Oy vey, you just can’t buy this kind of entertainment. Perhaps I’ll write a book after all: The Life And Times of Bubba... oh hell, something like that! ;-)

I Tried to Climb the Mountain Today

2007-10-16T15:15:00.000-05:00

Gary Barnes
Copyright 1999

I tried to climb the mountain today. As I inched my way up the path, I felt overwhelmed, so I had to turn back.

I tried to climb the mountain today. On my journey, darkness started to fall, and I was full of fear, so I had to return to a safe place.

I was ready to climb the mountain today. But it was so hot outside, I thought I better stay in my nice air-conditioned house and rest up for tomorrow's attempt.

I was about to climb the mountain today. But I had so many other things to do, so instead of climbing the mountain I took care of much more important tasks. I washed my car, mowed the grass and watched the big game. Today the mountain will just have to wait.

I was going to climb the mountain today. But as I stared at the mountain in its majestic beauty, I knew I stood no chance of making it to the top, so I figured why even bother trying.

I have forgotten about climbing the mountain today; until a friend came by and asked me what I was up to lately. I told him I was thinking about climbing that mountain some day. I went on and on about how I was going to accomplish this task.

Finally, he said, "I just got back from climbing the mountain. For the longest time I told myself I was trying to climb the mountain but never made any progress. I almost let the dream of making it to the top die. I came up with every excuse of why I could not make it up the mountain, but never once did I give myself a reason why I could. One day as I stared at the mountain and pondered, I realized that if I didn't make an attempt at this dream all my dreams will eventually die."

"The next morning, I started my climb." He continued, "It was not easy, and at times I wanted to quit. But no matter what I faced, I placed one foot in front of the other, keeping a steady pace. When the wind tried to blow me over the edge, I kept walking. When the voices inside my head screamed "Stop!" I focused on my goal never letting it out of sight, and I kept moving forward. At times, I was ready to quit, but I knew I had come too far. Time and time again, I reassured myself that I was going to finish this journey. I struggled to make it to the top, but I climbed the mountain!"

"I have to be going," my friend said. "Tomorrow is a new day to accomplish more dreams. By the way, what are you going to do tomorrow?"

I looked at him, with intensity and confidence in my eyes, and said, "I have a mountain to climb."

Take what you will from the story, it's meanings reach far and wide.

2007-10-15T16:17:00.000-05:00

From my rose bush today after the rain...

2007-10-12T17:09:00.000-05:00

Congrats to my wonderful cousin Alex and her equally wonderful honey Bill on their long awaited and highly anticipated wedding last weekend! Sooooo, when are you gonna have kids already?? teehee, let the onslaught begin! ;-)

My writing teacher told me today that if I ever wrote a book she would buy it. HUGE compliment imo, which I subsequently expressed to her. I also indicated that there are indeed a few ideas knocking around upstairs, but we shall see... I have much to do and but one lifetime to do it in; makes me wonder how some manage it all? But I have time, baby steps of course.

She actually asked if she could read my first essay aloud to the class. I froze of course, considering its topic (the Great Escape), because you all know how much I lurrrrve public displays! Its one thing for all of you to read my dysfunctional musings from afar, but to put it out there before a group of people while sitting in their presence? Not really my cup of tea, if ykwim?

Speaking of said essay, I indeed received an A, for which I was pleasantly appreciative. I guess I take special pride in the notion that the crap I put to paper (or keyboard) is well received by others. Which I suppose should come as no surprise since y’all have been saying as much forever now, but it certainly doesn’t hurt when a trained professional concurs y’know? I also just turned in the rough draft of my second paper, which was to be based on a belief. I chose the topic of “Everything Happens For A Reason” because the sentiment couldn’t ring more true in my life, as you all know. And it was after reviewing this 2nd paper that she paid me the afore mentioned compliment, so I’m feeling pretty confident in this latest assignment as well. Anyway, nough bout that, lets see what other topics I’ve neglected for too long…

Well momma bear indeed came out and ripped the poor little 5th grade guidance counselor a new one over Em's scheduling fiasco, only to have my darling daughter, the petulant little heifer that she is, come back to me wavering on her staunch indignation of switching to GT math. After having to attend the new classes while I was working to get her schedule changed back, she’s decided that she likes GT math (and her GT math teacher) after all. Figures! Rolls eyes... I feel kinda bad for the guidance counselor... but not enough to lose sleep over it or anything. I mean they still screwed up regardless, so I’d say a little ass chewin was most definitely in order. ;-) She’s flip-flopped a few more times since then, to which I told her to suck it up and finish out the semester in GT math. If she decides she truly wants out at that point then I’ll be willing to revisit the topic, otherwise she can just zip it! Damn, that elusive mother of the year award evades me once again... ;-) More later...

Oh yeah, almost forgot, for Dawnyal... love ya babe! ;-)

2007-09-27T15:21:00.000-05:00

I got hit on today. And if I hadn’t known better I would have sworn it was Don Cheadle himself come to sweep me off my feet, which I can’t say that I would have minded too terribly, but I digress. ;) I had just parked and was walking towards the store when his car came turning down the lane and abruptly stopped as he called out "hi... hello!" from the open window. I stopped of course and smiled with a hi back of my own, trying to determine if I should know him from somewhere by leaning down a bit and peering into the window. Upon realizing that there was no recognition other than the uncanny resemblance to the afore mentioned Mr. Cheadle I asked, "can I help you?" to which he smiled hugely and with a sparkle in his eye declared "wow... you’re pretty!" With a raucous chuckle and a wave of my hand I called out "thank you" and went on about my way... a cheesy grin plastered smugly across my face for the impromptu ego boost on a sunny weekday afternoon. He didn’t pursue me and it wasn’t creepy, it was just... nice. Which I can say with complete sincerity having never been the target of boorish catcalls nor the uncouth wide-eyed, chest level stares of socially inept men with but one thing one their minds. I guess I was just thinking that its funny how feminine such a small gesture can make a woman so unaccustomed to them feel. As opposed to the disdain felt by so many having been accosted, sometimes daily, and to the point of degradation. Interesting, don'tcha think?

More to come about the other goings on in our lives of course; my writing paper, Em’s GT math class fiasco, my promotion at work, but this I just had to share quickly as it was still fresh on my mind.

BTW, check out the new blog link for HollyWood Farm Girl that I just added to the lower left under "worth checking out". Melissa Etheridge's wife Tammy is profoundly witty and wickedly smart-mouthed to boot. Triple LOVE her style, as I do any kick ass chick unafraid to speak her mind.

2007-09-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve been offered a promotion at work, more hours, more pay, and different duties. My boss (the owner) wants me to take on administrative work to help lesson the load on him and to be quite honest I’m nervous as hell. It’s a lot to take on with school and life in general, I’d be working full time, going to school full time and of course the soul care giver for Em as always. I’m seriously questioning me ability to manage it all, which is only offset by my need to earn more dough. And that extra $$ would end up being just about $200.00 shy of making TWICE my current monthly salary… twice! Which is also extremely close to what I was making when I still had the church lady job. So if this works out then I would not have to supplement my income with student loans, but if this works out then what if I can’t keep up with all of my schoolwork? The hours would be more flexible than they are now, with much of the administrative duties being such that I could handle them in my off hours. But I’d also be adding 10-15 hours per week, which is a lot for me. Quite honestly I don’t see how I could pass up the opportunity, but I’m nervous just the same. After all, we all know how much I adore change. ;-)

And now a picture from a friend that I found to be hauntingly beautiful and eerily serene. How fitting that such simple calmness found its way to me when it was needed most; while in the midst of my inner turmoil with this whole job thing. There truly are no coincidences are there?

Taken from one vantage point on the Stanley Park Seawall Hike in Vancouver, British Columbia at 2:00 PM on a misty winter's day.

2007-08-31T19:52:00.000-05:00

I’m desperately trying not to let myself get overwhelmed but my god, what a week! I’ve gotten used to the ebb and flow, classes in the morning, work the rest of the day, then the endless reading. But my time management skills certainly aren’t the best, so the sheer amount of crap to be done each day, well… it’s a bit much for me. Not unexpected though, just tough. I love my writing class; it’s by far the most fun. We were assigned to write a narrative about something we’re passionate about, as long as it was a significant event in our lives and it really happened to us, but pretty much it could be about anything. She said one chick even wrote about having her "hood" pierced, which I refuse to explain here, but Google is but only a click away to those of you who simply must know. So something I’m passionate about huh? Realizing that I must be far from over the trauma of my great escape, that topic was the first to pop into my head so I chose to use it. Perhaps a bit heavy for our first assignment, but it felt right so I went with it. I’m anxious to get feedback on it, and I promise to post what I hear, good or bad. Even if she says, “dayum girl, you were just supposed to write about the first time you drove a car!” or some shit like that. Either way, it was cathartic writing it out the way I did, so for that reason I’d say it served its purpose. It’s specifically about the day of the great escape and all that the day entailed, which I don’t mind sharing with anyone who’s interested, so just let me know.

Anyway, Sunday is Em’s big 10th birthday. We’re having a small party here with just some of her friends, which she requested and quite frankly I’m grateful for. Last year all I heard about was how Bub didn’t want to have to be in the same room as my family, and how we were gonna have to come up with something different next year because everything is always all about him, of course. I remember saying, in my gentle, non-confrontational way, so as not to get him started, how this wasn’t really about what he wants since its Em’s birthday party. And I swear to you, the concept went completely over his head. Not even an acknowledgment, just more about what an inconvenience it was to him. Idiot.

So I need to get busy cleaning house, and mentally preparing myself for five tween girls hyped up on cake and Twister. I tried to talk her into party games like pin the tail on the donkey but that’s still decidedly uncool. Even though I know it will eventually be uncool enough to be cool again… at some point. I also got her ears pierced a second time as a birthday present to her. But I told her that was it, she certainly doesn’t need anymore holes in her head!

I’m also about to let momma bear loose and raise a stink at her new school. They started all of the kids out on regular schedules with the intention of moving them to GT (gifted & talented) classes once they were certain who would qualify for what. Well, in that time Em has grown exceptionally fond of her regular math class and teacher and she’s actually enjoying math for the first time… ever. So when the form came home indicating that she did indeed qualify for GT math (and reading) I marked the box saying no, do not put my child in GT math. I mean I’d rather have her enjoy the class and do well rather than just get by in a class she’s not happy in. There’s time to worry about taking advanced placement classes, but right now I just want her to embrace a love of learning, which unfortunately I never did… until now. So anyway, the new schedules came home today and guess who got switched to GT math? Yep, and lemme tell ya, I was not a happy camper! Neither was she, thinking that there wasn’t anything we could do about it since they just switched her despite my wishes. But I assured her that would definitely not be the case cuz mom can ALWAYS do something about it. See what I mean, momma bear, grrrrr! ;-)

2007-08-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

Tail between my legs as I sheepishly crawl back to this forsaken world of blogging, with the love, support, wisdom and kindness those within have bestowed upon me during my greatest moments of joy, fear, excitement and sorrow.

But will they still have me? My fearful mind wonders. Of course they will, the stronger resoundingly declares. Have you forgotten so easily the acceptance they’ve unconditionally lavished on you? They will always be there, quietly watching and knowing with impish certainty that you are indeed, finally on the right path.

And what a path it has and will continue to be…

I started my college courses this week. Psych, World History, Government & Politics, and College Writing. So far only World History scares the shit outta me, but that’s only so far. My WH professor has a lovely Irish accent (I do love me an accent) and a very dry sense of humor, which goes perfectly with his hard ass attitude and displeasure of ever having to read “rubbish” of any sort. And rubbish he’ll have I’m sure; as all tests and quizzes are to be in the form of essays… yes, essays. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Just breathe...

So what else is new? It’s been a long, loooooong summer, but Em finally started fifth grade this week as well. She’s switching classes now, making new friends, riding the bus to and fro, and building her independence at lightening speed. She’ll be ten in a few weeks… double digits… a tween. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Just breathe...

Bub has officially secured his lifetime membership in Loserville, hitting all time lows, the likes of which I never thought possible. He’s spiraling now, having lost all sense of the control he once so desperately coveted. It’s sad really, to watch someone crash and burn this way, regardless of how I feel about the person, I can’t help but feel sorry for him and the mess he’s made of his life. Perhaps I wear my heart too readily on my sleeve, especially considering the hell he so easily inflicted upon us, but I cannot help but feel compassion for the human being so obviously in chaos. He’s apologized y’know, during a desperate phone call full of pain and confusion. He apologized for being the way he “was”, wondering how I… we ever could have lived with him like that. It sent me into a tailspin at first, the acknowledgment of so many wrongs that can never be righted, but time has worn on, and quite frankly I’ve heard it all before. "I think I’m starting to get it now" he says. No Bub, you’ll never “get it”. But that’s okay; I’ve long since given up that particular need. There is no talk of reconciliation, just so ya'll know, its not like that in the slightest. I’ve closed that door, shredded it Monsters style, except this one never to be reopened, not even by the likes of Sully or Mike. He’s just desperate to talk... to anyone who'll listen, and since I'm the one who knows him best he’s come to lean on me in his new state of weakness. How ironic that I’ve somehow transformed into the stronger of the two. Except for the small little fact that I’ve come to let him lean on me in my own weakness as I’ve yet to learn how not to. Dear god, what the hell have I gotten myself into? Breathe; just breathe croons Anna Nalick, somehow grasping just how difficult the involuntary action can prove to be at times.

Melodramatic? Who me? Naaaaaah! Merely thoughtful lately, nothing more...

2007-06-13T22:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I’ve got some pretty crappy news, but surprisingly I’m not too freaked out about it. In fact, I kind of see it as just another push/step in the right direction of my long-term goals. My church lady job is shutting down, effectively cutting out my main source of income. My first reaction? OH SHIT!!!! Then shock and disbelief as I had discussed this very scenario with my boss before deciding to buy the house a few months ago and he emphatically assured me that the church ladies would always need supporting as long as I wanted the job. But unforeseeable shit that is out of our control sometimes happens, so there ya have it, no more church ladies. Ug. I then, of course, automatically assumed that all my grandiose ideas of going back to school would be down the tubes because I would have to scramble to get some sort of full time job to cover the bills, thus continuing the drudgery of working in unfulfilling dead-end jobs. And I even began searching initially, but quickly discovered that I just couldn’t stomach the thought starting over with the same ol' crap all over again. So I regrouped and started crunching numbers and scenarios, and I’ve decided that I’m just not willing to settle for the same ol' crap anymore. By god, I’m going back to school, one way or another, I WILL make this work! I’ll just have to take on more hours with my other job and make sure to take full advantage of the help that’s available for students out there. Grants, scholarships, student loans, it CAN be and IS done all the time. Sure, it’s gonna be a whole lot harder this way, but at least there’s a way, and by golly, I’m up for the challenge! :) So that's it, do or die time, here we go... YIKES!!

In other news, we have baby birdies!!! I actually meant to post pics of the nest and eggs before now but, well, I suck at updating lately, so sue me. ;D Anyway, we noticed the nest a few weeks ago in the eve of our front entrance so climbed up my stepladder to take a few pics and this is what we found:

We’ve since been checking every few days, and yesterday we finally found this!:

Awwwww, so ugly they’re cute, aren’t they?!

2007-05-29T17:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, time to change gears (although inside pics are still to come, I promise!). Y’all know how I’ve always said that there isn’t really anything that I want to be when I grow up? No real passion for something that I wish I could make a living doing? I mean, I’ve toyed with different ideas (L&D nurse, a small business venture involving the maternity field, writing, etc.) but I’ve never had the gumption to follow through on anything. Well, I guess its time to follow through on something cuz I think I’ve figured out what I want to be when I grow up, but it’s gonna mean going back to school to do it. Now don’t get me wrong, I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to work from home right now, especially while Em is young, but I know I can’t do this forever. My two work-from-home jobs, while the pay is adequate, are unbelievably mind numbing, unfulfilling, and totally dead end. And now that I finally have a real future to look forward to, well, I guess I’ve acquired this burning desire to actually make something of it. Anyway, I’ve known for a while now that I want to help people in some capacity, although how, I was never quite sure. But given my experiences and realizations over the last few years, I’ve come to the conclusion that my purpose would best be served as a child/family advocate. So I’ve decided that I want to be a social worker, specifically a family services or child welfare agent, which requires at least a BA. I know that it’s a hard job with crappy hours and not so great pay, and I’m definitely worried about my ability to handle the stresses and heartache that are sure to come with it, but I also know that this is something I have to do. Ever since the idea came to me, I haven’t been able to put it out of my head, much as I’ve tried. See, I have it pretty darn easy right now. Nothing to challenge me or make me work for aside from setting up house, paying the bills, and trying to raise a precocious little girl into a strong and independent young woman. And for much of my life that was all I needed, always being the type to do just enough to get by. But to be quite honest, bare minimum just ain’t cuttin’ it for me anymore. I need more, and not just in the sense of more financial security and stability like a degree would afford, but more fulfillment in general. I need to do what I can to help others, especially those who can’t help themselves. To save a child, to help a family, to make a difference somehow. You see? I just have to now, how could I not? So, that brings me to the logistics of it all. I have to find out if going back to school would even be possible right now financially and time-wise, so I plan to set up an appointment at the local college to see what my options are, and then take it from there. And I figure that by the time I actually finish a four-year degree, Em would be old enough to handle the irregular hours that this job requires. So, there ya have it, a plan, something to work for. I feel like I’m in this mode of line ‘em up and knock ‘em down right now, and I gotta say, I like it. I remember writing how endless the possibilities seemed a year ago, right after the great escape, but I don’t think I really appreciated just how true that statement was. I really can do almost anything now, and with the will and a way, the possibilities truly are endless.

More pics, just cuz

2007-05-24T21:48:00.000-05:00

Em happily and peacefully reading on a blanket in our own backyard and little Bella basking in the glorious sunshine streaming through one of many tall windows. Doesn't get much better than that, now does it?

House Pics... FINALLY!!

2007-05-23T17:37:00.000-05:00

See? I told ya I'd post some pics... eventaully. ;D Please pay no attention to the horrid faux well in front (I call it the outhouse) as it will NOT be there long, ICK! And we've started work on the badly overgrown landscaping but it is going to be a big job so we're just taking it one step at a time. Em and I are totally loving the rose bush, which has just decided to sprout up a whole swell of new buds, and we have grand visions of LOTS of bright, beautiful flowers and plush green grass to replace all the weeds and dirt. Hmmm, me? Looking forward to gardening? Whodathunkit? Anyway, here it is, we're finally here (moved in weekend before last 5/12) but only just signed the papers to make it offically mine on Monday 5/21. Super long story that I am soooo over so I won't even bother for now. Point is, it's mine, all mine (and the bank's)!! We're home, YAY!!

Are we there yet???

2007-05-08T16:15:00.000-05:00

Oh dear lord, what a flippin’ ordeal this house buying business has been! Y’know what I really despise? Coming to the disturbing realization of just how vulnerable my sometimes-foolish naiveté can leave me. Honestly, had I known what I was getting myself into; I probably never would have bothered. But I simply didn’t do my research and quite frankly, I was completely unprepared for what all buying a home would entail. However… the last hoop has successfully been hurdled and I am, without a doubt, finally going to close on and move into my own home this weekend. But not without the very greatly appreciated help of my wonderful parents who have come to the rescue… once again. ;D What on earth would I do without them? I’ll spare you all of the gory details of the last two month’s headaches and frustrations simply because I haven’t the time or inclination to rehash the B.S. Let’s just say that my most formidable stumbling blocks have been due to my chaotic financial history with Bub and my current contract employment status with the church ladies. Apparently underwriters aren’t too keen on lowly self-employed individuals trying to obtain home mortgage loans, especially if they don’t have any recent tax records to show for. Hmmmm, oh yeah, well there’s that… DOH! Anyway, I promise that pics are still forthcoming, no really, I swear! And hopefully a more thorough update when time and patience allows.

BTW, did y'all notice that we've passed the one-year anniversary of my great escape? April 21, 2006, it's amazing how drastically things can change in so little time, huh? :D

APPROVED!!!!

2007-03-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

Provided the inspection goes as expected I will be closing on my OWN HOME on April 27, which also just so happens to be almost exactly one year from the date of our great escape (4/21). Un-freakin-believable. And I promise I’ll post pics as soon as I can. In fact, I should be able to get in there to take some pics this week during the inspection. Aaaaaaaand, it looks like I’ll be able schedule it so that my mom and stepdad (who’ll get into town this afternoon, btw!!) and my brother & sil will all be able to come with me to see inside the house! I sooooo wanted my mom and Mark to be able to see it because there’s no telling when they might be out here again. YAY!! I can’t believe this is really happening! And ooooooh boy, did it ever take some work too. Being a newbie to all this real estate mumbo jumbo, I didn’t realize what all it would take to get me approved considering how badly Bub handled our finances throughout the years. But we were finally able to get me through, despite the bullshit. So there it is, one more move, but a final move, at least for a long, long time. A home… with a fenced in backyard, and located in a lovely, kid-friendly neighborhood where Em can ride her bike and play to her heart’s content. Good stuff…

I actually have more to say since I’ve been neglecting to post for, what, two weeks now? But we need to get ready to go to my brother’s house because for the weekend, and to see my MOMMY, YAY!! :D I didn’t tell her or my sil about getting approved for the house yet because I wanted it to be a surprise when everyone gets there. And I told Em that she could break the big news to everyone too. So I’m off, but I just wanted to make sure I got to share my fantastic news with everyone here as well because you’re all my family, both literally and figuratively, and I couldn’t wait to let y’all know!! Toodles!

2007-03-12T18:33:00.001-05:00

My mommy is coming to visit; my mommy is coming to visit!! Yep, my mom and stepdad are going to drive here from California at the end of March, and I CANNOT WAIT! They’ll be here for a week, spending part of the time in town with my brother, and the other part here in my town with Em and me. Luckily, my brother only lives about 35 minutes away by interstate, so we’ll pretty much get to see them all week. They plan on checking out some scenic attractions along the way to AR like the Grand Canyon so, of course,I suggested they try to find the biggest ball of yarn and the biggest frying pan but alas, both appear to be too far off the beaten path,unless they plan to travel by some other route than I-40. I guess they could always check out the biggest bottle of hair tonic in Oklahoma if they were really hard up. Um, eeeeeew? Who cares, as long as they take plenty of pics and get their butts here ASAP, that’s all that matters to me! I’m not sure what we'll do while they’re here yet, besides just hanging out and enjoying the time together. Hopefully the weather will be just right, not too hot and not too cold, as it typically is here in late March. But I know better than to count on it, one of our sayings here is, “if you don’t like the weather just wait 15 minutes and it’ll change.” In fact, the weather people here literally call this time of year the fifth season, as in tornado season. Oh goody.

In other news, it looks as though I may end up being a bonafide homeowner a lot sooner than expected, like waaaaaaay sooner. Since I’m just looking for a starter house that’s not too pricey, everyone seems to think that getting me approved will be a piece of cake, so much so that Em and I even went to check a few possibilities out this weekend, and we found one we liked a lot in my price range! It’s a three bedroom, two bath, house with a fenced in back yard and a garage, located near the end of a long cul-de-sac in precisely the neighborhood I was hoping for! And I'm thinking, dear lord, what else could I possibly fit into this roller coaster of a year?! Seriously, what a difference a year makes, huh? It simply amazes me how easily things tend to fall into place with they’re just right, y'know?

Now, to brag once again about my immensely talented daughter; Em did a class art project at the beginning of the school year of a scarecrow, which recently won best in school. Well, we just found out that it is going on to the Arkansas Art Museum in Little Rock to be displayed at, and compete in the annual Young Arkansas Artist competition. It will be on display from April 6 - May 27, and you better believe we’ll be making the trip to Little Rock ASAP to check it out! I wish I had more info or a pic to display, but I'll be sure to update as soon as I find out anything else about it.

2007-03-04T20:40:00.000-06:00

I'm 30. Yep, yesterday (Mar. 3) was my 30th. birthday. My brother and SIL invited Em and I over to celebrate, and this is what they made for me;

Garsh, ain't they just the sweetest?? ;D We had a very nice time, and since my brother was able to finagle himself one of those new LCD flat screen TVs for his own upcoming birthday, they decided to give me their old TV and their really pretty entertainment center as my birthday present. Cool huh? I'm pleased as punch as I've always admired their entertainment center, and I was really wishing I could get a new TV for my bedroom because the one I have now is going out. So this was perfect timing for me.

So, on to other news, we have a new baby in the house, and it's a girl!! That's right, Em and I adopted a new kitty from the Humane Society last weekend, and we've named her Bella.

Em and I fell in love with this angel faced, sweet little kitty a few weeks ago when we met her at PetSmart during the Humane Society’s weekly pet adoption day. She had been rescued from beneath a bush with a badly mangled hind leg and tail, apparently the work of horrible lawn mower accident. Unfortunately, the leg and tail had to be amputated, but she’s since bounced back beautifully. And believe me, you’d be hard pressed to convince this spunky little sweetie-pie that she’s even remotely disabled.

Bah, who needs four legs anyway!! She and Mischief had a rough first day getting to know each other complete with hissing and growling, but now it’s as if they’ve been BFFs all along. (Hey, I have a fourth grade girl, whaddaya expect?? ;D) Anyway, Em is just beside herself, as she’s been hounding me for another kitty for months now. As a matter of fact, in my infinite wisdom and exasperation, I had told her that getting another kitty was contingent upon us selling that damn truck, thinking of course, that it may NEVER sell since we hadn’t had much luck since we got it back last summer. So what was the first damn thing she asked me after I told her we sold it? Oh yeah, without even skipping a beat. “So we can get a kitty now, right??” Oh… there’s that. Alright, alright, now that I no longer had this enormous car payment, I could actually afford the extra expense of the adoption fees. (Woohoo on being able to afford an extra expense, GO ME!) So I called Bella’s foster mamma and we set it all up, and well, the rest was history. This was last Saturday, (Feb. 24) which also happened to be the day of the big County Spelling Bee. I’m proud to say that Em got up there like a trooper, despite her intense fears, and gave it her best shot. She ended up getting out on her first word, anchovy, which she spelled with an ie, but honestly, who cares? The fact that she did it at all impresses the hell outta me. Plus, the words were crazy hard, and about a third of the kids (ranging from 4th. to 8th. graders) got out on the first round, including the other little girl from Em's class who had been the first runner up in their school level competition. And to tell the truth, I was kinda relieved not to have to sit through the whole thing, yowsa!! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I know, bad mommy, but honestly, can I get an amen here?!! ;D Anyway, I'd thought I'd post one last pic, which is of Em at the spelling bee, and then I'm outta here. BTW, thanks to everyone for your thoughtful and heartfelt comments on my last post, as always, I appreciate the unconditional love and support more than any of you will ever know.

2007-02-23T23:17:00.001-06:00

I’ve been toying with the idea of hanging up my blogger hat for a while now. I’m sure you’ve noticed that posts have been fewer and farther between, mostly because the need to share my triumphs and tribulations has slowly left me over these months of freedom and awakening. This blog has undoubtedly served its purpose, providing an outlet, solace, understanding, support, my way out, and some pretty damn good free therapy. Were it not for this blog, I can safely say that I would still be ~~living~~ existing in my own personal hell. I would not have reached out to others had they not reached out to me first. I never would have been able to give a name to what was happening to Em and I, and I never would have told anyone, ever. Instead I would have quietly stayed, shrouded in shame, solitude and misery, never even allowing myself the hope that things could somehow be different. Were it not for someone dear to me unobtrusively following my plight and stepping in quietly, letting the cat out of the bag when I needed it most, well… I honestly don’t know how Em and I would have made it through this year had we spent it with Bub. In a sense, this blog saved us. It was certainly the catalyst for my opening up and eventual escape. It started out as a way to record my thoughts, so harried and scrambled in my mind. But now there is mostly calm and peace and honestly not much worth writing about anymore in my opinion. Sure, there will always be drama and special events in our lives, but quite frankly, I no longer feel that drive or urgency to lay it all out there, desperately seeking approval and validation anymore. I’m good now, I’m calmer, happier, and learning what it’s like to be me. I still struggle with my inner fat chick, I’m still a people pleaser, but these things are not new to me, and will forever be a part of me. So I’ve been questioning my reason for continuing, and I really wasn’t sure what I should do. So what did I do? I talked about it, that’s what, and out loud to boot. Gasp! Yup, I do that now, cool huh? I asked my mom for her opinion, as I now do more frequently and with greater honesty than I’ve ever done before. She’s my person as Yang would say, and I’m so grateful to have her. Anyway, she allowed me to see that not only the dramatic need be postworthy. That my boring ol’ life, calm and peaceful as it finally is, can still be postworthy, because it’s still my life. So here’s the plan; I’ve decided that this is no longer going to be the “Bub” blog that it has become, as I’m quite disinterested in allowing him to continue occupying so much space in my head. It will also cease to be a weight loss/maintenance blog, as that is no longer what defines me. This shall now be a “me” blog, boring, inconsequential bullshit and all. ;D Now, I can’t guarantee any renewed regularity in posting, but I can say that I plan on sticking around, and I do hope y’all will decide to stick it out with me.

2007-02-13T22:58:00.000-06:00

IT SOLD!!!

Hot diggity damn, the Durango sold! OMG, I am beside myself with joy and relief. No more car payments, period. Such a weight has been lifted, it’s wonderful!! We even got enough to pay off that initial amount I charged to my credit card to bring the payments current. It still wasn’t enough to cover a couple hundred dollars worth of work we had done to it, but that’s okay, the important stuff will be handled, the debt wiped clean! Woohoo!! Happy dance, happy dance! This, of course, makes the rest of my post that much better. I started writing what follows a few days ago, before we sold the car, so the significance of it has just become even greater.

From Saturday…

Well, I got tired of waiting and wondering, so I decided to contact a mortgage company to see what exactly it would take for me to attain credit worthiness for home ownership. I was hoping for some tips and maybe some sort of a plan to follow to get myself started on the right track. I already expected a long wait, and some hard work, and a lot of saving, so I was prepared for whatever they had to say. I told the nice lady about my situation and gave her the go ahead to pull my credit report, and you know what she found? A pretty damn good score all things considered. HUH? She said that once we get that stupid Durango sold, and I have a little more time under my belt with my second job, getting me a loan shouldn’t be a problem at all. In fact, she said if I was ready for it, she could probably get the process started this summer! It wouldn’t be anything extravagant, of course, as I simply couldn’t afford the payments on the type of house I’d like to have. But that’s okay; it’s well worth it. Like having kids, if I wait til you can afford it (it being my dream house) then I’ll never have it. As always, baby steps are the way to go. Anyway, I was surprised, to say the least, but oh so glad I asked. I honestly didn’t think this would be an attainable goal for the near future; so hearing this news has really given me some motivation to reach that goal. Luckily Bub put as much of his crazy business crap in his own name as possible, knowing that at least one of us would need to have salvageable credit one day, so for that at least, I am thankful. In fact, the Durango is the last debt we have left that is technically in both of our names. The other things, like his student loans, he just expects me to help with since the debts were incurred together during our marriage, but my name is not actually on them. And seeing as how he has no intention of paying those debts for as long as he can get away with it, then I’m really not gonna worry too much about it. We’ll cross those bridges when we come to them. Anyway, for now, the first order of business is to start some savings, and then to keep the bigger picture in mind when contemplating sticking to my budget. And then maybe, just maybe, by this time next year, Em, Mischief, and I will be happily settled into our own little home with a fenced in back yard and wall colors of our very own choosing. Ahhhhh…

2007-02-08T20:30:00.000-06:00

Ug, I must be PMSing because it’s around that time when my mood dips the most. Which really isn’t that bad now with my happy pills, but I still notice the difference just the same. BTW, a quick note on said happy pills, I discovered that they are now on that WalMart $4.00 drug list, so my happy pills have just made me even happier!! :D But I digress, I’m feeling blah, and I don’t like it! To tell the truth, as much as I love working from home and all of its fantastic advantages, I’m really just bored and burnt out. I can’t imagine doing this (particularly the telemarketing stuff) FOREVER. There’s just no way. But there honestly isn’t anything that I want to do, well, nothing that I can earn a living doing anyway, so here I am. I want to own a home, I want to have savings, I want to be able to take real vacations, and I want to enjoy real financial stability rather than just getting by. Granted, I can at least pay the bills on time now, and I am in control of my own finances, but now that I can count on that, I guess I just want more.

Em’s been grounded all week for hitting another little boy at school. She got sent to the principle’s office where she received a formal written warning that I had to sign and return. She has “issues” with controlling herself, especially when upset, and this kid is veeeeery easily upset. She’s extremely particular and likes things to be a certain way (usually her way), so when they’re not, well, Katie bar the door! She’s quite introspective too though; she’s actually said to me (after one of her “incidents” that she must get her volatile personality form Bub. So perhaps there’s hope for her yet, as she can actually recognize some of her more undesirable personality traits and relate them to how they affect her actions. If only we all could be so intuitive. Yep, if she can just get through her childhood without committing a felony, I think she’s gonna turn out all right!

My mom just reminded me that my birthday is coming soon. I guess I knew it was coming, but I didn’t realize how close it was. I’ll be 30 on March 3, the big 3-Oh. I wonder if I should do something to celebrate this milestone? I’m not big on parties or spending money on myself for that matter, but perhaps a little something special would be nice. I dunno, I’ll think about it, I still have a little time. Bub has already told me what he’s doing for his birthday. Apparently he’s going to rent a party room in some bar in Little Rock and invite all of his freaky-ass friends for a rockin good time. He also just bought himself a new 40 in. LCD TV from a rent to own place. $2400.00 for the TV, but $5400.00 in all due to exuberant rent to own finance charges. I guess he figures he can afford it now that Jim has asked him to stay on, and because his dad has opted to pay off the loan that we took in their name by taking out an even larger loan and keeping the balance for he and Bub’s mom to use for themselves. This is the loan that Bub got them to take out for us when his last business failed so that we could afford to live until he found another job. And the one I’ve continued to pay my share of since I left. So even though it’s great for me (no more $115.00 payment per month) his dad is royally screwing himself. But he’s stubborn and has his mind made up to do this, so that’s that. Sometimes I wonder what Bub and I ever saw in each other, as we couldn’t possibly be more different. He sees the extra money as just more to blow; I see it as a way to start some savings. He sees renting to own a 40 freakin’ inch TV as an acceptable way to purchase unnecessary luxuries when you have shitty credit. I’m of the mind that if you can’t afford to buy something like that, then you save up until you can. Or at least use a credit card with a reasonable APR and try to pay it off as quickly as possible. But if your credit is so bad that you can’t even get a credit card with a reasonable APR, and more than a $300 limit, then don’tcha think you ought not be buying a 40 FREAKIN INCH TV??!!

Okay, I’m done. As I like to continuously remind myself; this kind of ridiculous crap is no longer my problem. Thank goodness!! Anyway, that’s about all I can muster for now. I feel grumpy so I’m gonna go sulk and be thankful that I had the presence of mind to pawn the M&M jar off on Bub when I did. Otherwise, well… let’s not go there, shall we? ;D

2007-02-05T21:37:00.000-06:00

Okay, okay, I'm back, finally! Things have been a bit hectic, you know how it is, life happens. Anyhoo, here's my answers to the quiz ya'll took.

Fav movie? American Beauty
My middle name? Anne
My job? Tech support/telemarketing
My life’s ambition? Nuttin’ independently wealthy ;D
Body part? Finger
Singer? Alanis Morrisette
Rather do? Grey’s & yogurt
Mischief’s original name? Precious
Dream vacation? Alaskan Cruise
Times I’ve moved? Who the hell knows!

Let me know if you want the link to check out how you did. It displays last names if you used them so I won't post it here. I am happy to report that no one answered Bob for my middle name, nor did anyone guess phone sex operator for either work related question. I was surprised by how many people got the question about moving right, honestly, who the hell really does know? A lot, that says enough. Why American Beauty? I dunno, it moved me deeply and I've loved it ever since. But the others listed, along with so many more, come in so close as well. Steel Magnolias, Fried Green Tomatoes, Dirty Dancing, the list goes on and on. Yes, my brother almost cut my finger off when I was a toddler. It was an accident of course, but he still argues the circumstances of the event to this day (putting the blame mostly on me!). Mischief was Precious until we took her in to get spayed and discovered that he needed to be neutered. The rest? Well, personal preference. Whatever floats yer boat right? ;D

Em and I went to Chocoholics Dream Night Out last Friday. If you'll recall, we attended this Humane Society fundraiser around the same time last year and had an ooey-gooey yummy time! This time they were a little more organized and it turned out to be a huge success by the looks of the place. They also added a few extras like a kid's room complete with their own mini chocolate fountain and kid friendly activities. In addition to that, they held a silent auction and had a pet adoption area, aaaaaaand a "guess how many M&M's and win them all" game. Guess who won the whole damn lot??????????

Yep, me. 4,840 peanut, regular, and dark chocolate M&M's. Like that's what I needed around here. Oy vey! So I gave them to Bub and his roommates (yes, minus... a few? But honestly, what did'ja expect??!!)

The kitty is doing fabulously well. His incision has healed without even a hint of infection, and he's finally putting some weight back on his skinny little bones. I'll be taking him to get his stitches out this week, and barring any further run-ins with holiday adornment, I think the mischievous little rascal should end up being all right. I hope so anyway, I can't say how many lives this cat may have left!

2007-01-24T23:11:00.000-06:00

Ewwwwwwwwwww!
Yep, it was that damn Christmas tree. The cat ate a light in his desperate attempt to free himself from it's confines during the now infamous "Christmas Tree Incident". Well, not the actual light, but the little plastic/metal thing that holds the light and attaches it to the wires. Apparently this thing has been bouncing around in his tummy for the last two months and finally got stuck in his intestines when he tried to pass it. Everyone at the vet's office was taking bets on what this crazy looking green thing could be, but as soon as I saw it, I knew. Oy vey. The surgery went well, with no complications as of yet, and the mischievous little kitty is now home and more lively than he's been in weeks! Not only that, but was absolutely famished last night and prowling relentlessly for anything and everything remotely edible. He hasn't been able to hold anything down for a week and a half, and then with the anaesthesia he wasn't allowed to eat until this morning, poor guy! But now his tummy is full and can actually digest normally, so all is well and he's resting comfortably.

Now for some fun, thanks Alex, what a cool idea!

Create your own Friend Quiz here

2007-01-23T22:29:00.000-06:00

Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news. That’s what the vet said today as his slid an x-ray of Mischief’s tummy up to the light, and a striking white “foreign body” appeared somewhere in his intestines. Obviously, if you hadn’t already guessed, the kitty didn’t get better like we hoped he would. The vomiting continued despite a full round of antibiotics and several days of very bland cat food. He was continuously hungry, yet he couldn’t keep anything down, so I called the vet and brought him back in. I figured it had to be something more since the meds didn’t do the trick, but this? I just wasn’t expecting to see a “foreign body”, and I gotta admit, I’m curious as hell to find out what it is. And find out we will, as that mischievous little kitty is undergoing a $500.00!! surgery Wednesday morning to take whatever “it” is out. $500.00?? Yep, 500 big ones. But does she have that kind of dough you ask? Pffffffft, yeah right! Ug. No, but it just so happens that I went ahead and accepted another one of those “pre-approved, sign up now!” credit card offers last week because my others have been maxed out since we got the (still unsold) Durango back. I was feeling increasingly uneasy about my lack of a safety net or emergency “just incase” stash, and appropriately so it seems. Had I not accepted the offer when I did, I’d be screwed BIG TIME! But alas, this too shall pass. As long as the kitty recovers and Em and I don’t lose our beloved furry family member, then that’s all that really matters. Anyway, I’ll update about the outcome as soon as possible. But in the meantime, send some good vibes Mischief’s way on Wednesday, will ya? We’ll take all we can get.

Also, FYI, Em will be going to the county Spelling Bee on February 24th. I just treated it as though backing out was not an option and really built up the positives. She’s not happy about it, but she does accept it, so hopefully she can get excited or at least motivated to try her very best. She’ll be nervous as hell, but I do believe it will be good for her to experience and hopefully learn to overcome this widely held fear.

2007-01-18T12:43:00.000-06:00

Em won her school spelling bee on Tuesday. She didn’t want to win because she hates to get up in front of a lot of people, especially if there’s a chance of her getting embarrassed somehow. But she did it, and now she must face the upcoming county spelling bee. Naturally she’s desperately trying to talk her way out of it, but I think it would be good for her and I don’t think I should let her back out of it now. Plus, it’s not like she doesn’t want to be praised for her accomplishments, she likes the competition and always strives to be the best at whatever she does. She just has a pretty good case of stage fright and would rather not do things so publicly. Hmmm, this is a tough one, should I continue to reinforce the good things about this and not allow backing out as an option? Or should I consider that she just might not be up to something like this? Any opinions would be certainly be greatly appreciated. BTW, I also wanted to mention that my highly gifted nephew (my brother’s son) also won his own school spelling bee. He’s eight and in the third grade rather than the fourth like Em, but wouldn’t it be funny if they ended up competing with each other? Oy vey!

Well, Bub was offered his job back yesterday and he took it. So no moving away (bummer) but at least he’ll be a little easier to deal with now that this added stress has been alleviated for the time being. I also totally get why his boss offered to take him back, although I truly feel bad for the guy. See, he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. Bub honestly is good at what he does, and he’s a jack-of-all-trades when it comes to puter stuff, so if it weren’t for his horrendous work habits and narcissistic personality, he might actually make a very valuable employee. But the pickins are pretty slim when it comes to qualified people who are willing to work in Jim’s price range, so he’d have to hire a couple of people with a lot less experience just to do what Bub is capable of. It’s a trade off, he has work that needs to be done now, and he doesn’t have the time or resources it would take to find, hire, and train more people to take over Bub’s job. The bottom line is, it’s a business decision. Jim must keep the money coming in uninterrupted, so for now, that means having to put up with Bub in all his vindicated glory. And believe me, Bub knows he has all the power now, which of course, has gone straight to his already inflated head. I just have to wonder how much longer this can possibly go on?

In other news, our poor little kitty has been terribly ill for the last few days. Poor guy, if it’s not one thing it’s another. He started vomiting over the weekend and was unable to keep anything down at all. So we took him to the vet on Monday where he got two shots in the butt and a 10-day round of antibiotics. The vet called it an undefined illness, meaning no bowel obstruction or real evident cause of the problem, although I did catch the mischievous little kitty drinking out of the toilet, so we assume that was most likely the culprit. I was relieved to hear that there was no obstruction since my mind had already conjured up all sorts of ideas that perhaps the Christmas tree incident really had caused some sort of internal damage. But alas, he is finally starting to feel better, and has even been able to eat a little yesterday and today.

Okay now, I have a confession; I have “issues” with peanut butter. I know, I know, they say a little peanut butter is good for you, y’know, good fats and all that jazz. But the emphasis here is on a little bit, and for someone like me, well…y’all know how that goes. So what’s a struggling former fat chick to do? Well, I either have to cut it out completely, which neither Em nor I would be happy with, or I search for acceptable alternatives. I am a huge believer in alternatives such as fat free butter spread, (great for baked potatoes, rolls, etc.) sugar free syrup, fat free Miracle Whip, (good for tuna salad) fat free or low fat sour cream, (also good for baked potatoes and tacos) sugar substitutes, low fat cheeses such as Kraft 2% American slices and 2% sharp shredded cheddar, low cal bread and low carb tortillas, etc etc. So naturally, I set out to find an alternative for this fat filled, heavenly creamy delight because I’ve discovered that a spoonful of the stuff makes my morning oatmeal oh soooooooo good, YUM! And here’s what I found; Peanut Wonder. 100 calories for 2 tbsp and only 2.5 grams of fat vs. 190 cal for 2 tbsp and 16 grams of fat for the real stuff. Now, don’t get me wrong, like other alternatives, it definitely does not taste the same as the real stuff, however, my objective here is to find something acceptable rather than just as good because they so seldom are. And this is definitely acceptable in my book. It’s not so great on it’s own, which is kind of a good thing for me since I won’t be tempted to just dig into the jar with a spoon, but it is excellent in my oatmeal as well as the peanut butter banana smoothie I made this morning. So far those are the only things I’ve tried it with, and have yet to perform the ultimate taste test, which is, of course, making a PB&J sammich for Em. I don’t plan on telling her about the change, I’ll just try it out on her and wait for a reaction. If there is none then we’re all set, and I can forego buying anymore of the real stuff. So wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed that she likes it, otherwise I may have to rely on my fledgling (of late) willpower, and I don’t even want to go there.

2007-01-12T10:53:00.000-06:00

It’s the busy season with my church lady work, so even though I’ve been working on this post all week, I have yet to get it posted until now. It would seem that I would have extra time considering how my second job hasn’t had any work for me all week, ug. This happens every once in a great while, when they are between contracts and don’t have anything for us to do. Typically it doesn’t last very long, maybe a day or two, but this time has been the worst, and quite frankly couldn’t have happened at a worse time. This job only pays for hours worked, no holiday pay or anything, and if the people I’m calling aren’t available, then there’s no point of me calling. So, with the Christmas and New Years holidays, plus the fact that the people I’m supposed to be calling are higher-ups and typically take the days leading up to said holidays off, I’ve been pretty much screwed with regard to getting my normal hours in. And the way our pay periods work, those days plus the first half of this week of almost no work, all happen to fall within the same paycheck, goody. The silver lining is that I’m sure I would have been overwhelmed trying to work my normal hours plus trying to deal with the craziness of church lady busy season right now. So I’ll just be grateful for that and try not to think about my dismal upcoming paycheck from the other guys. One way or another, I’ll make it work, I’m sure of it.

Anyway, on to other news. Get this, simply because we’re now a two person household, and I took on a second part time job that allows me to just make ends meet, I technically make about $300.00 more a year than the allowable annual income it takes for Em to qualify for state health insurance. Obviously, since I’m rolling in the dough now, I should be able to afford private health insurance, right? Puhleeeeeze! Just to be clear, she hasn’t actually been turned down yet or anything, I was just filling out the annual renewal forms, and realized that we no longer technically qualify. Hopefully, since I haven’t been making “the big bucks” (rolls eyes) for a full year, they’ll take that into account when assessing my income. Sheesh. Y’know, I could expound on my views of this country’s extensive shortcomings with regard to medical coverage, prescription drug costs, etc. but I’m honestly not in the mood, so I won’t.

No new tirade from Bub to his boss yet, he probably waited too long and lost his oomph. Bummer, I was so hoping to see what might come next. Oh well, I’ll keep you updated if he ever gets around to it. Speaking of Bub, (oh come on, ya’ll know he’s the never-ending fodder for any of my truly noteworthy blog topics, otherwise each post would consist of kitty tales and fourth grade drama) he called me to feel me out on how agreeable I’d be to keeping up his unlimited access to Em, were he to move away for a job. No, not out of state, (sigh) just not in the same town since there’s not much opportunity here. He wanted to know how far I’d be willing to drive (since I’m the only one who can) several times a week because he’s not willing to just be a “weekend dad”. Not that she’d be real interested in visiting him several nights a week after the initial excitement wore off, or that he’d routinely pull himself away from his computer games or whatever else floats his boat in the same regard, but he just wants to make sure the opportunity is there, and that I’m not going cause problems for him. He needed reassurance that I would be willing to do whatever it takes to allow him the illusion of his father of the year worthiness. So sure Bub, do what you need to do, I’m more than willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, I say as I secretly calculate how long it might take for him to settle into the new norm of a semi long distance relationship with his daughter. ;D I go along, the epitome of a cooperative ex-spouse, because I know what I can expect out of him, and I know that it can only work to my and Em’s advantage in the long run. So he’s appeased, I’m confident, and all is well. Not that there’s an actual job offer or anything, he just wanted to know where I stand before an opportunity presented itself. That’s his way, needing to evaluate and plan out every single aspect of any given, or possible situation, no matter how long it takes. Which is, by far, one of the things I miss least about living with him. Hmmm, would that imply that there are things I miss? Ummmmm, NO! :) Anyway, times like this (when we still lived there), with his impending termination or whatever other crisis was prevalent at the moment, were absolute hell. Every single day held never-ending “discussions” about even the most miniscule aspect of the problem. And if there were even a hint of my not being on the same page, or lack of appropriate responses, or ideas or opinions, then dear god, I can’t even describe it. I’m not sure I can adequately articulate the pure joy and relief I feel when I think about what this past year would have been like for Em and I, had I not gotten us the hell outta there. And to this day, I have a hard time believing that it wasn’t too long ago that I had every intention of staying in that situation indefinitely simply because I didn’t think it was possible or acceptable to get out of it. I was going to spend the rest of my life (or his) with that miserable, miserable man. What the hell was I thinking? There are no answers, I know. It’s just part of the devastating cycle that an emotionally (or otherwise) abusive relationship affords. It makes no sense, unless of course, you’ve lived it. But even then, it boggles the mind.

Alright, alright, church ladies await. And it’s about damn time I get this thing posted anyway! :D

The new do!

2007-01-08T19:29:00.000-06:00

Alright, alright, alright, here's the new do. Happy now?? ;D Just kidding, you know I'm just clamoring to be lavished with compliments on my smart new look! But I'll settle for "not too shabby, eh?". I'm definitely enjoying the shorter hair, and I can't imagine ever letting it grow long again, what a pain! Of course, that would mean hauling my carcass to the hair salon and shelling out some hard wrought dough more than once a year, so maybe we'll just see about that. Cheap? Me? Naaaaaah! Anyhoo, not much in a rambling mood so I'll cut this one short. But stay tuned, Bub has promised a highly entertaining response to Jim's termination letter. Oooooh, ya'll know you can't wait to see what else he could possibly have to say!

Happy New Year!

2007-01-02T20:47:00.000-06:00

Well hot diggity dog, it’s a brand new year! I’ve definitely been overly reflective the past few days, just re-hashing my experiences of 2006 over and over in my head. My what a year it’s been! Y’know, this time last year, I was utterly hopeless. I honestly thought there was no way out of my personal hell. I didn’t even think I could let myself ponder the idea of a life without Bub because it was simply impossible to realistically fathom in my mind. And now, one year later, my entire existence has changed. I am no longer hopeless, I am hopeful. I have a future to look forward to, a real honest to goodness future. Sure, with a few extra pounds to take back off, but a wide-open future nonetheless. I couldn’t have even imagined as much a year ago. And now I am living it. Unbelievable.

Well let’s see, a lot has happened over the last few days… I cut my hair, SHORT, I went to see a grown up movie all by myself (The Pursuit of Happiness), Em and I went to my brother and sil’s house to celebrate New Year’s, and Bub finally got fired (for real this time). Hmmm, where should I start? First, my hair. It’s unbelievably thick and had gotten much too long to be manageable, so I went in and got it all whacked off. Ahhhh, what a relief! It’s shorter than I’ve ever had it, and I LOVE it! Em hates it, but hey, it ain’t her damn hair! And it’s not like I was doing it for looks, it was all about convenience and what I like, by golly!

I got to see a grown up movie because Em spent the entire day with Bub on Saturday. He was having some friends from out of town visit that she hasn’t seen in a long time, so they hung out together all day. I spent the day doing whatever I pleased, including getting my haircut and seeing this really excellent movie. It was definitely nice to have the time to myself, especially knowing that Bub would probably be on good behavior, not wanting to show his true colors in front of guests. That’s one of the main reasons why Em wanted to go; she knew he’d be nice to her all day. How sad.

New Year’s was a blast, and I think we’ll probably make spending it with my bro. & sil a tradition. I kind of invited myself over, but my sil had the same idea was going to invite us anyway, so it all worked out. They live about 30 min. away, so we just planned to spend the night in order to stay off the roads after midnight. My brother made smoked chicken in the new smoker our mom and stepdad got him for Christmas, and it turned out quite tasty! Then we vegged while the kids played endlessly until we almost missed the big moment. We were kinda late getting everything set up, so the stroke of midnight ended up being kind of anti-climatic because we were still in the midst of unwrapping poppers, horns, and glow bracelets. Oh well, the kids could care less, as long as they got to dance and party, they were happy as larks. We stayed up late, slept in late and my sil made a big country breakfast (well, brunch actually) after we all got up. And I do mean BIG! Then we vegged some more, staying far longer than I had intended, but the kids were playing and it’s not like I had to be home for anything (or anyone, heehee!).

Now, for Bub’s newest drama. It’s such a long, complicated story that I’m not even sure where to begin. Hmmm, let’s do the Reader’s Digest version, shall we?? After the last time he thought he was fired, they somehow managed to renegotiate to where he was working as a contract employee on site, and that's what he has been doing ever since. He’s always had problems with his boss because… well, he’s Bub’s boss, and Bub simply can’t stand to be under anyone else’s control. He is, after all, all knowing and all-powerful, right? Anyway, his boss, Jim, needed to cut costs and sent out the following memo to all employees, Bub included:

Company Memo: Sent: Friday, December 29, 2006 5:37 AM

From: Jim

This week we started coming in at 9:00 am and leaving at 5:00pm.There are several reasons for this:

-Everyone gets to miss the morning traffic rush.
-Everyone gets to take their time in the mornings getting around - eliminating the morning rush to get ready and be here at 8:00am
-And last but not least the company saves money.

We don't have the - Cash Cow - we had before Christmas in the heavy ark duck sales. This sacrifice is necessary to help keep the company afloat. Everyone is to get here at 9:00am sharp - take a full hour for lunch - if you come back early from lunch that is OK but you won't get paid for the extra time - the most anyone will be paid for is 7 hours per day - so you might as well enjoy the full lunch hour.

Starting this new year clocking in and out in advance will not be accepted. When you get up to leave for lunch or you are going home clock out at that time.

Keep personal phone calls to a minimum if you have personal business to attend to - clock out - go out side and do your calling or take care of your personal business at your morning break or evening break - Taking care of your business on company time is not acceptable....

I enjoy my job here and I'm sure everyone else does. For us to make this company work, -- efficiency is necessary - We must squeeze the most out of every minute and every hour we are here - to make things happen for the company. It is what feeds us - pays our rent and in general pays the bills - The company has bills to pay and if we don't pay them then we are not going to have our jobs here because the company will cease to exist. This is a team effort.
What I'm trying to say is - work hard - be meticulous about each task you are working with - always do the best you can and you and the company will prosper together.

–Jim

This, apparently, didn’t sit too well with Bub, so he fired back, per his nature. Keep in mind, Jim is the OWNER of this company.

Jim,

When I spoke with you tuesday you lied to me and told me there was nothing to worry about. You said that this company was financially stable. This email does not say financially stable. You also told me the hour change was temporary and led me to believe it would be for a short time only. This emails sounds more permanant. The first couple of weeks after christmas is when everyone needs the pay they depend upon. For people who live on a weekly budget that is very important. I am sure that everyone here is going to suffer greatly because you didn't have the forsight to tell us before christmas that our hours were going to be cut. I don't believe for one second that you didn't know how the budget looked at that time. For someone who claims to always be looking 10 steps ahead this seems very sudden. I don't buy it. If you are having money trouble you should be honest about that. Telling us that you are cutting hours because of traffic or us getting to sleep in is BS. You are cutting hours because you need to financially. That is the simple truth. Don't try to make it sound like more than it is. Don't try to fill us full of crap. When you need more time out of us we have given it. Especially heather and sharo. Now that you are having problems you just decided to take money from our pockets and you expect us to be ok with that. I don't know how they feel, but I am outraged. If i wanted to work part-time I would find a part-time job. So for you to do that and then try to tell me you are thinking of me is offensive. You changed my hours this week on my timesheet. As a contractor you cannot do that. In fact, i must point out that our contract says that my hours are at my discretion not yours. I was going along with the hour cutbacks to try to be a team player but you sticking your hand in my pocket is just not going to work. When the server was down I stayed here late and then went home and called those people over and over off the clock. I have always tried to help you out. So, for you to do stuff like this is rediculous. I am letting you know right now that I am putting my resume back out on the market. I won't have people callilng you because frankly I don't know what you would tell them and I am not willing to risk it. But, as soon as I have an alternative job source I will be leaving. I realize that by responding with my honest opinion I am probably signing my own pink slip. So, let me remind you that if hearing my honest opinion makes you feel like you can no longer employ me, then please remember that our contract states that you must give me 30 days notice before termination. Now let me be quite honest about something. The rest of your company memo sounded like you were accusing us of being wasteful with our time. That along with the speach you gave ronnie yesterday about wasting cadilacs indicates to me that you think things arent working becaue we are not working hard enough. That is just not true. Ronnie and I bust our asses to deal with the BS that you cause. We try to get things done timely but with you managing us there is no way to do that. Until you turn managment of this department over to some one who understantds the technology and how to be efficient you will always have these problems. You don't know how to manage people. and you don't understand the technolgy of the internet and how to use it. Don't try to make us the scapegoat for your mistakes. I have reccommended against many of the things that you have done that have cost the company a lot of money. But as always, you do what you want to do. So now, as you have stated in the past, it is on you. Things are going badly and you have only you to blame.

Signed Robert

(Dude, seriously, the spellchecker is our friend!)

And now, Jim’s response. He broke Bub's email down and his responses are in bold.

Letter of Termination

Jim,

When I spoke with you tuesday you lied to me and told me there was nothing to worry about.
First mistake -You don’t call me a liar and still work for me.

You said that this company was financially stable. This email does not say financially stable.
That is your interpretation

You also told me the hour change was temporary and led me to believe it would be for a short time only. This emails sounds more permanant.
Again, that is your interpretation

The first couple of weeks after christmas is when everyone needs the pay they depend upon. For people who live on a weekly budget that is very important. I am sure that everyone here is going to suffer greatly because you didn't have the forsight to tell us before christmas that our hours were going to be cut.
Had you rather lose one hour a day or your entire job. Sometimes cut backs are necessary - especially in slow times.

I don't believe for one second that you didn't know how the budget looked at that time. For someone who claims to always be looking 10 steps ahead this seems very sudden. I don't buy it.
It really doesn’t matter whether you buy it or not.

If you are having money trouble you should be honest about that. Telling us that you are cutting hours because of traffic or us getting to sleep in is BS. You are cutting hours because you need to financially.
I am cutting hours because it saves the company a lot of money each month, therefore avoiding problems in the future before they happen.

That is the simple truth. Don't try to make it sound like more than it is. Don't try to fill us full of crap.
Missing the traffic and sleeping in - I pointed out - that those things were some of the benefits.
You, Sharo and Ronnie have trouble waking up and being here on time consistently - Heather is the only one that is never late. You over-slept twice in the past two weeks. Once until 10:30 am and when you do come to work half the time you are only half awake from working on your own projects far into the night.

When you need more time out of us we have given it. Especially heather and sharo. Now that you are having problems you just decided to take money from our pockets and you expect us to be ok with that. I don't know how they feel, but I am outraged.
If your so Outraged over losing one hour a day and if you need money so bad why did you take off - all day last Friday - by not working you cost yourself 7 hours – that’s more than an hour a day for a week. Obvious trying to be a big shot and stir up trouble was more important than the money you say you need so bad. And the 5 hours you missed from over sleeping was money you took out of your own pocket. All together you took 12 hours out of your own pocket. Sounds to me like someone trying to flex their ego rather than someone who needs the money.

If i wanted to work part-time I would find a part-time job. So for you to do that and then try to tell me you are thinking of me is offensive.
I was trying to help you keep your job by cutting expenses in slow times – it is very obvious you no longer want to work here.

You changed my hours this week on my timesheet. As a contractor you cannot do that.
You falsified your time sheet – According to your time sheet you did not go to lunch any days this past week but when I called the office Thursday Sharo said you and Ronnie were gone to Lunch - in fact Ronnie took lunch 3 times last week – all 3 days he was here - are you saying you did not go to lunch with him. Falsifying your time sheet is grounds for dismissal. You took a lunch break each and every day but did not show it on your time sheet.

In fact, i must point out that our contract says that my hours are at my discretion not yours.
Are you trying to tell me that you will work as many hours as you want to and I have no say in that – That I can’t cut back your hours if I need to - Your ego has really got the best of you.

I was going along with the hour cutbacks to try to be a team player but you sticking your hand in my pocket is just not going to work.
Not sticking my hand in your pocket, I’m just not paying you for
hours you did not put in.

When the server was down I stayed here late and then went home and called those people over and over off the clock. I have always tried to help you out. So, for you to do stuff like this is rediculous.
You have done some favors for me and I have provided you with a ride to and from work every day at no charge. That is over - if you get to work and get home for your next 30 days it will be on your own.

I am letting you know right now that I am putting my resume back out on the market. I won't have people callilng you because frankly I don't know what you would tell them and I am not willing to risk it. But, as soon as I have an alternative job source I will be leaving.
If you want me to pay you for the next 30 days you will also agree to work here for the next 30 days without leaving - that way you’re giving me 30 days and I’m giving you 30 days. And your right I could not in good conscious give you a good work report – Let me name some of the things that I see wrong with your work ethic. You come to work half the time with a sleep hang-over – you can’t function mentally at your best because either you didn’t get enough sleep or your health is giving you problems because of your eating disorders. When I walk back in your room half the time you are stretched out in the chair like you’re trying to take a nap – I’m probably only getting 20 or 30 hours out of the 40 I’ve been paying you for. Also here lately every time I come in the office or walk by your office you’re on the phone taking care of personal business on my time or talking with your ex-wife on my time. Like I said in my memo if you have personal business to take care of - do it on your own time – I don’t like paying you the kind of money I’m paying you to take care of your customers or your personal problems on my time.

I realize that by responding with my honest opinion I am probably signing my own pink slip. So, let me remind you that if hearing my honest opinion makes you feel like you can no longer employ me, then please remember that our contract states that you must give me 30 days notice before termination.
I always like to hear someone’s honest opinion however that does not include me allowing you to call me a liar or spew the BS you did in this email - I always do what I say - you’ll get your 30 days as long as you give the thirty days notice I was promised. I expect you to be a gentleman about this – I have already hired someone to do what you do – they work twice as fast - have as much or more experience and cost me a lot less money with a lot more productivity than your putting out.

Now let me be quite honest about something. The rest of your company memo sounded like you were accusing us of being wasteful with our time.
Not us – It’s You wasting time on the phone - putting down hours that you don’t work , coming to work half awake and conducting personal business on company time. Ronnie always puts in all he can do.

That along with the speach you gave ronnie yesterday about wasting cadilacs indicates to me that you think things arent working becaue we are not working hard enough. That is just not true. Ronnie and I bust our asses to deal with the BS that you cause.
I am the owner and I cause BS.

We try to get things done timely but with you managing us there is no way to do that.
That is true Ronnie does bust his ass while I see you half napping while he is busting his ass.

Until you turn managment of this department over to some one who understantds the technology and how to be efficient you will always have these problems.
I do not have to be a computer tech to see when something is not functioning or doesn’t look right - on the other hand if I don’t put my finger on it you can’t see it at all. You do not have the ability to manage this company if you did I would have had you doing it a long time ago. You say a job is complete and I have to have you redo it over and over again because you either can’t see the problem or you won’t check behind yourself thereby costing me twice what it would cost to have someone who could get it right the first time.

You don't know how to manage people.
Your right - I expect people to do right - very few do - Also I don’t allow any one to call me a liar – I expect them to show up for work on time- be mentality alert - put their best effort into their jobs – Take care of their business on their own time and have a positive attitude in the work place.

and you don't understand the technolgy of the internet and how to use it.
Your right that’s why I have an Internet business doing $300,000.00 a year and doubling every year.

Don't try to make us the scapegoat for your mistakes. I have reccommended against many of the things that you have done that have cost the company a lot of money.
Not money – time - It does take longer to do something right -and I don’t have time to explain every one of my decisions to you.

But as always, you do what you want to do.
I think as the owner of the company I have that right.

So now, as you have stated in the past, it is on you. Things are going badly and you have only you to blame.
The only thing going badly is I have a programmer with an inflated ego that wants to play big shot and call the shots. If you are that good you should be managing two or three corporations of your own - doing hundreds of thousands of dollars per year. Instead of working for someone that is doing that.

Signed Robert

Letter of Termination

This is your thirty day Notice - you are being terminated.

For Insubordination – Calling me a liar - being a negative influence on your fellow employees – wasting company time by doing your business on company time and falsifying your time sheet.

I don't believe the email I sent you is rude or crude - but it is informative. I tried to explain in a nice way that the company does not have the cash flow it had before Christmas and that a temporary cutback was necessary for the well being of the company as a whole.

I also explained that me changing the time from arriving to work at 8:00 am to 9:00am was for saving money – therefore taking a full hour for lunch was imperative to implementing the one hour savings needed to save that hour each day.

You have acted rudely and unprofessionally in response to the company Memo I sent everyone – While every one else responded very professionally. In so doing you have made me realize what a mistake it would be to keep you here and in so doing not only cost yourself more than the hour you were going to lose from the cutback but you have cost yourself - your job and have shown me what I have know all along - that depending on any one individual is bad business. I depended on you and trusted you and you pull this crap while I’m flat of my back in the hospital.

This notice of termination is presented to Robert *****
On: Tuesday 01-02-2007

OMG! I so thoroughly enjoyed this! Bub sent it to me because he was so proud of himself for putting Jim in his place. Can he not even see what the man is trying to say to him? Good grief, it still amazes me how full of himself he can really be. Thank god this shit is no longer my problem! I’m sure he’ll probably be sticking me with his half of the very few shared expenses we still have, but I never really count on his half anyway, and I know I’ll get by. Damn, I love the fact that I’m in charge of my own finances now! Not that I’m rolling in the dough or anything… sorry, momentary lapse into fantasy land where I’m filthy stinkin’ rich, but at least I know I can pay the bills, on time, every month, and not be constantly trying to rearrange one thing to cover another, while wondering just where the other will be coming from. Stability, gotta love it! Maybe he'll only be able to find work somewhere out of state and need to move far, far away... Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?? Either way, whatever ends up happening, I know I can count on one thing, it'll ALL be my fault! ;D

2006-12-28T17:46:00.000-06:00

Happy holidays everyone! Well, better late than never, right? I had wanted to post such a message earlier, preferably before Christmas, but no such luck. Anyway, here ya go, the Christmas tree pics, tadahhh!! And look, you can actually see them, thanks entirely to the brand spanking new digital camera my mom and stepdad got me for Christmas, whoohoo! We wanted to make more ornaments, but quite frankly, this thing took way more time than I ever thought it would. But hey, at least we got the thing up before Christmas (Saturday to be exact).

Well, I thought we had ourselves a genuine Christmas miracle on Christmas day. There we are, all sitting around the table at Bub’s house after Christmas dinner (well, lunch actually) playing a rousing game of Canasta, when the phone rang with another possible buyer for the Durango. We do get quite a few calls on it, even though most don’t pan out. Anyway, this guy was saying that he wanted to buy it TODAY and take it home with a big bow on it for his wife as a Christmas present. Hot damn, an impulse buyer, YESSSSS! So we stop mid-game and head on over to give the dude a test drive. He definitely wants to buy and asks if we will take a check. Well sure, if you wanna wait til the check clears to take it home, otherwise, nadda. Okay, will you take a credit card? Why sure! Bub has that capability through PayPal or something because of his numerous (failed) business ventures. So he runs the card and there’s some problem with PayPal or the card not allowing that much to be taken at one time because it’s seen as a cash transaction or some crap like that. So no go again, bummer! In the end, the guy ends up writing a check and saying that he’ll pick up the car after we verify the funds the next day. Of course, he tried his darnedest to talk us into letting him take the car that day, reassuring us that the check would be good, and how much he wanted it to be a Christmas surprise for his wife, but we held strong and didn’t let him have it. Well low and behold, the check was bad. In fact, the bank said that this account number didn’t even exist! He gave us some crap about how he just opened the account and that the funds must not be available yet, yadda yadda yadda. Well if that was the case then how come he said to just forget about it rather than going down to the bank to pull out the cash or a cashier’s check?? Because the creep was trying to con us, that’s why! I guess he thought he’d be able to talk us into letting him have the truck that day, and when we didn’t maybe he thought we’d just deposit the check and he’d be long gone with the car before the check could bounce. I dunno, but I do know that I’m sick of this shit. It’s a nice car, can’t someone (legitimate) please just buy the damn thing, please?! Ug.

Well, I think I’m finally getting back on track with the eats. I realize that I don’t have the luxury of feeling apathetic about this one. Other stuff, sure, but not this. I’m going back to counting days of clean eats/abstinence, and so far so good. I still need to get back into exercise mode, but I’m certain I’ll get there. I remember how good and rewarding it feels, and I want that again. I understand that I really don’t have to be perfect, that every single bite doesn’t have to be meticulously controlled and accounted for. I know that I can do this in real life, in freedom and in peace. I know that I can do this because I am in charge of me. Not the food, not another person, not another thing, just me. So that's what I'm going to be working on; discovering a new normal, and figuring out what really works for the woman I am today, rather than the one I had turned into out of desperation. Hmmm, funny that this blog is titled finding me. Perhaps I'm actually starting to succeed a little, huh?

2006-12-20T22:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, I’m not so cranky anymore. I realize that a child’s father serves a purpose in the child’s life just by being her dad, and a male figure in her life, but DAMN! I just wish I had picked a better one for her. Anyway, ‘nuff of that. My brother had a very close call yesterday. Too close if you ask me! He was driving through an intersection (green light, his right of way) and an older lady either didn’t see him or misjudged the distance and attempted to make a turn right in front of him. I say attempted because she never actually completed the turn due to my brother’s truck smashing directly into the side of her car! He’s okay; he just hurt his wrist a bit when the airbag hit it as he was holding the steering wheel in a death grip while willing the impending collision not to occur. Y’know, like when you put your “breaks” on in the passenger seat?? ;D Anyway, here’s the real kicker; he was actually on the phone with my SIL when the accident happened! Can you imagine?? Blabbing away then all of a sudden you hear “Oh SHIT!” then squalling tires and crumpling metal. OMG, it makes a lump in my throat just thinking about it. (It also reminds me of that line about traffic accidents from one of Bill Cosby’s comedy tapes; “First you say it, then you do it! Heehee, but I digress) Luckily he was able to retrieve the phone right away and tell her that there was an accident, but he that he WAS okay. Unfortunately, the other lady wasn’t so lucky. Her sucky ass day ended in a trip to the ER via ambulance, but she should be just fine as well.

So, I’ve been thinking a bit about the food stuff in relation to my current emotional state. Or should I say, lack of emotional state. Y’see, this Paxil is some really good shit, but I’m thinking perhaps a bit too good because not a whole lot really gets to me anymore, including worrying or caring even about maintaining a healthy lifestyle. See, it took away those frantic, out of control, bingy feelings, but I seem to be left with an apathetic attitude towards, well, most everything. So from that aspect, I’m not liking this too much. I think a lot of my weight loss success came from my intense need for structure and rigidity. I needed to do it perfectly, so much so that I became a bit obsessed with it all. In the aftermath of my leaving Bub, I seemed to lose the structure along the way, thus sending me into an emotional tailspin, and perpetrating the need (in my view) for a little medical intervention. Well, I got what I wanted, but now what? Cuz this apathy shit ain’t gonna cut it either! Can’t there ever just be a happy medium??

So now that I have noticed this unpleasant little side effect, I can’t help but wonder what exactly would happen if I were to give up the Paxil? I wonder how much I really need it now, but I think I only wonder that because I’m not such an emotional wreck anymore, due to the effects of said medication. I’m guessing coming off of it would only perpetuate another downward spiral, and quite frankly, I just can’t do that again. It was bad, worse than I let on to anyone, but that’s my way, as you all know. So what’s the problem? Just stay on the meds, right? Well, here’s the freakin’ problem, allowing myself to apathetically eat my back into morbid obesity is simply not an option, period. I WON’T do that again. So what then? I don’t quite know just yet, but I have to figure it out, and fast! Right now I find myself conveniently caught up in the “wait til after the holidays” mindset, and my many attempts to shake it off have proven quite futile. I keep thinking c’mon already, I know this shit; lord knows I preached it long enough. It’s not all or none, it’s not too late to salvage the day (or week) after one (or a few) bad choices. I KNOW this shit, yet here I am, letting myself get away with it and not really caring much either way. Again, where exactly is that happy medium I so covet? It is out there somewhere, right?? Just smile and nod in agreement, will’ya? I do believe there’s a Santa Claus, I do, I do!!

2006-12-18T19:40:00.000-06:00

No tree yet. We started working on it, but Em spent the weekend with Bub so we haven’t made as much progress as I was hoping we would by now. But have no fear, pics are forthcoming, I promise. Teehee, speaking of Em spending the weekend with Bub. She went over there on Saturday and immediately asked to have her friend from down the street come over to play, which he consented to. Then they finagled him into letting the friend spend the night, and whoaaaa doggy, what an experience that turned out to be! Snicker, snicker. See, Em never had friends stay the night before we left, so this was all new to him. They stayed up all night, literally all night. It was 4am before he finally gave Em 2 tsp. of Nyquil, yes NYQUIL out of desperation to knock her out. Sure, she had a cold, but c’mon, Nyquil?! Idiot. Anyway, they (the kids) fought A LOT and were hyper and super sneaky and being typical 9 and 11 year old girls. But, like I said, he’s never had the pleasure of experiencing this time-honored tradition of a girl slumber party before, so he naturally blamed Em for their poor judgment and behavior, and for not leading her friend (a straight up Eddie Haskel type) by example in the sort of behavior he expects out of her. Ug. They did have fun, whenever he just let them be, but that doesn’t exactly change the fact that she came home crying… again, and was an exhausted, emotional wreck for the rest of the night. Oh, and get this, after he let them sleep til NOON (not that he let them per say, they had to wake him up) he had the nerve to call me to see if I would come get everyone and go out to lunch cuz he didn’t feel like cooking and he had already ordered pizza the night before so he didn’t just want to do that again. Um, NO, deal with it buddy! So he gave them Ramen Noodle Soup, goody. So, of course, Em wasn’t tired AT ALL by bedtime Sunday night, stayed wide awake til around midnight, and was an absolute bear this morning. Tired, cranky, emotional, oooooh fun! How nice to get the leftovers of fun daddy syndrome. Seriously, what purpose does this man serve in Em’s life?? I get that he can be very fun and playful when in the right mood, and that his juvenile behavior makes for some pretty exciting, creative and spontaneous times, but what about everything else? Awww, forget it, I didn’t get enough sleep last night either so I’m just being cynical and cranky myself. We are who we are. I will continue being me, he will continue being an idiot, and Em will make it to adulthood just like everyone else, childhood baggage and all. It’s not like I’m giving up or anything, it’s just that I can’t do anything about him being in her life, (or being an idiot) so all I can do is try to make the best of what I have. That’s life.

So the kitty is doing well, still pretty shook up, but relatively unharmed nonetheless. He seems to have transformed overnight into an old lazy cat, rather than the super hyper crazy young kitty that he was prior to the “tree incident”. Now he mostly lies on the back of the couch sleeping and licking himself whenever the mood strikes. Ahh, a kitty’s life… ;D

What a weekend!

2006-12-12T11:44:00.000-06:00

No, still no new buyers on that stupid car, grrrr! Nope, we were just BUSY! Saturday was supposed to be a show put on by Em’s gymnastics studio, showcasing all the newly learned talents of each of the classes held there, but not being one to comfortably perform in front of strangers, Em opted out last minute. I know, shocking to those who know her, being the irrepressible ham that she is, but this is quite typical of her, until you get to know her that is! So we headed over to the mobile home lots so we could wander through them oohing and ahhing over all the cool amenities they offer for the price. Not that I’m looking to buy one, since they aren’t allowed within city limits, we like to look, just cuz. Anyway, we just were killing time until the gymnastics show was supposed to start at 1:45 because the plan was to pick Bub up so he could watch her too. Good thing she decided not to go though, because by the time I was finally able to rouse him out of bed via phone, it was already past time we were supposed to have left. Nothing new for him, he’s slept through many a special event, but I’m just glad his thoughtlessness didn’t end up ruining Em’s day… again. Anyway, I told him that she had changed her mind about the gymnastics thing, so we made plans to meet up with him later, in time for the movie we had already planned to see after the show. Whoohoo, less Bubba time, gotta like that! So we went happily back to our perusing of mobile homes, then we headed to Walmart to pick up a gingerbread house kit to decorate. Usually, we go to my dad and stepmom’s house to make gingerbread houses each year, but I guess our invite must have gotten lost in the mail this time, huh? ;D We had just enough time to get the base of the house put together before it was time for the movie, so we set the rest aside to finish later. We went to see Deck The Halls with Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick. It was cute and funny and… Christmasy! Then out to dinner with Bub, which Em had a sudden bout of sullen quietness on the way to. Bub, of course, got on to her because she wasn’t responding appropriately, but that’s Bub. She told me later that she just started thinking of when we left, and how upset daddy must have felt at first. She didn’t know why it popped into her head, but it did just the same. I consoled her and told her again how none of it was her doing, and nothing she has to worry or feel bad about. Poor baby, so much for one little soul to bear. After dinner, we dropped him home as he was having a “get together” that night. Meaning that he, his roommates, and a few of his friends were going to celebrate his newfound freedom and re-admittance into full fledged, guilt free adolescence with a liquor laden all night party. I must admit, I harbored a few fleeting hopes of alcohol poisoning or a drunken header into the corner of some piercingly sharp object, but alas, karma somehow managed to let the opportunity lapse once again. Oh well, in the meantime Em and I finished up our gingerbread house, and took a couple of quick shots to show off our handy work.

Sunday morning brought breakfast out, then knowing that Bub would spend much of the day sleeping off his “get together”, we took the opportunity to enjoy an uninterrupted day, and got the hell outta dodge! We went to North Little Rock, where we hit the mall and hung out for most of the day just going from one attraction to the next, seeking out whatever happened to strike our fancy. Afterwards we found a small city park and spent a good deal of time playing and burning off energy. Then, on the way back home after dark, we happened to see a magnificent Christmas light display off of the freeway, so I quickly took the next exit in hopes of finding the source of the brilliant lights. We wandered for a bit in the general direction of where it should be, but I soon realized that I was gonna need a little help to find it, so I pulled into a gas station and asked the helpful attendant for a little direction. She knew exactly what I was talking about and told me precisely how to get there. Woohoo, success! It was a drive-through light display in one of the major city parks, so not only did we get to experience the spectacular display up close, but we also found another fantastic park we can go to when we feel like playing. We saw some really great looking playground equipment that Em was just chomping at the bit to get to, even in the dark. Hopefully we’ll be able to get back there next weekend to check it out. Anyway, we finally made it home after a very long, full day out, and as soon as I opened the door it was apparent that something was very wrong in the apartment. It took a moment to register, but I quickly realized that the Christmas tree was no longer resting in its spot in the corner. There were ornaments strewn about the living room floor and down the hall, and there, at the end of the hall, half in and half out of the bathroom doorway, was the (artificial) Christmas tree lying in a big, tangled heap. Then, from beneath the pile came the most pitiful, yowling meow/moan. The kitty, (aptly named Mischief) was trapped, hopelessly entangled in the Christmas lights, and crying out for help. It was undoubtedly a disturbing sight as the poor little guy had obviously tried to chew and claw his way through the wires and there was some blood from the minor wounds he acquired in doing so. Upon seeing this, Em promptly lost her freaking mind and began screaming and crying uncontrollably. I’m sure she thought the kitty had been mortally wounded, and the image of the whole chaotic mess was just too much for her to comprehend. Then, when I asked her to run get me the scissors, I can only assume that she thought I meant to cut the kitty’s paws off in order to free him because she proceeded to lose her mind even further, as if that were even possible. I finally ended up telling her that the neighbors were going to start calling the police if she couldn’t get control of herself, and she began to calm down a little. I explained that I needed the scissors to cut through the wires, so she finally got them and I was able to free the poor kitty from confines of his Christmas tree hell. He then quickly scurried away from the evil, demon tree, showing me that he did at least have full use of all four legs, thank goodness! He seems to be okay, although extremely timid and skittish, and has absolutely no tolerance for the Christmas tree, which turned out to be totally destroyed by Mischief’s misadventures. And neither Em nor I can bear to think about how long he may have been trapped in that frightening mess, but we are so thankful that he is alive and seemingly unharmed aside from those minor defensive wounds and obvious signs of PTSD. We’ve since decided that rather than traumatizing the poor kitty further, we’re going to create a new Christmas tree instead of buying a replacement. Already, we’ve had all sorts of grandiose ideas involving large sheets of green paper and cutouts of bells, stars, and various other ornament-like things, as well as an angel piece for the top. We plan to tape it to the wall where our ill-fated Christmas tree once stood, and then place the presents on the floor in front of it. I’ll be sure to take a picture once it’s completed so everyone can see our handy work. But just to hold you over, here's a quick pic of our exhausted little kitty.

Well, that was our excitement for the weekend. As for Bub and his nonsense from my previous post, he seems to have been appeased for now by my continued willingness to jump through his hoops in the hopes that he will not feel the need to drag Em and I through any ridiculous court proceedings. Like I said, I realize that he doesn’t stand a chance, but I still plan to avoid such an ordeal if at all possible, just to spare Em (and I) the stupidity and drama of it all.

2006-12-05T19:15:00.000-06:00

Well, so much for that. The people buying the Durango flaked out on us and never even bothered to tell us they changed their minds. They just didn’t show up, no call, no nuthin’. Nice. They were so positive about it too, saying things like “we’re definitely taking it, we’ll call you Friday to pick it up, it’s guaranteed, SOLD!” etc. Who just doesn’t bother to call? Oh well, back to the drawing board. Next order of business? Reduce the price and get that sucka sold, pronto!

Well, Bub informed me tonight that he’d do whatever it takes to protect Em from my irresponsible, stupid choices, including fighting me for custody, if he can’t trust that I’ll raise her properly and keep her out of harm’s way.

That’s right, I’ve done it again. Yet another violation of the laws of Bubba, and apparently, this one’s a doozy. Sheree’s mom asked me if I could keep Sheree overnight this coming weekend because they have a Christmas party to attend and they don’t want to leave Sheree and her older brother alone because they’ve caught the two being sexually inappropriate with each other. (This little tidbit, she drops on me like it was nothing, right in the middle of Walmart) I told her I’d have to get back to her, not knowing yet what plans Bub might want to make with Em for this weekend. So I asked him about it and of course he wants her to leave her weekend free for him because he feels like she never wants to do anything with him anymore unless he has something fun planned. (heh, if he only knew how true that was) I told him that I needed to know by Wednesday in order to let Sheree’s mom (Renee) know in time. So I called him today to see what he wanted me to do about it and I mentioned what Renee had told me about Sheree and her brother. And he proceeds to FLIP THE FUCK OUT. Why? Dear lord, where do I even begin? What it boils down to is that I don’t consider (and share with him) every single detail (pertinent or otherwise) about every single little fucking thing that may or may not affect Em or him in some way. He doesn’t trust me as a parent, he doesn’t trust my decision making abilities, he doesn’t trust my instinct and logic, he doesn’t trust a word that comes out of my mouth, he doesn’t trust me, period. And he refuses to sit idly by and allow me to raise Em in a manner that he does not approve of or agree with. He doesn’t think I give enough consideration to how my choices/actions/words affect her, and basically thinks that I am an incompetent parent. Well, what else is new? K, will someone stop the ride now please? I want the fuck off.

All I can say is thank god for my happy pills, I was able to stay (mostly) calm and think rationally about the implications of his words. I believe that he honestly feels THIS strongly about everything he’s saying and feeling, and if it comes down to it, he’ll do what he feels he must to protect his daughter, no matter what. I get that, BTDT. But honestly, what the hell is he really gonna do? Fight me for custody? What a joke. Go ahead and try it buddy, just see what happens. Idiot. Of course, he made sure to say that he doesn’t want to go that route though. Well of course not, he just wants me to know that he’s willing to if that’s what it takes to ensure my compliance with the LAWS OF BUBBA. I wonder if my lack of appropriately hysterical reaction to his threat gave him pause? Nahhhh, he probably figures that it’s just another prime example of my lack of concern over Em’s emotional well being since I’m such an incompetent mother and all. Sheesh.

2006-11-27T22:36:00.000-06:00

YAY, the Durango finally sold! Well, we’re not actually getting the money till Friday, but it will be in CASH, and it’s enough to pay off the principle aaaaaand the credit cards I used to bring the payments current and get some maintenance done. I had been fully prepared to write off the amount I had to put on my credit cards in the hopes that we at least get enough to cover the principle, so the fact that we’re getting enough to take care of everything just tickles me pink. Whew, what a load off, y’know? So that, plus my FINAL van payment coming up in December, well, things really are starting to look up for me financially in a way that I haven’t been able to enjoy, ummmm… ever! And by that I mean SAVINGS. Actually being able to pay ALL of my bills (on time) and put a little money into savings each month! Perhaps there really may be a house somewhere on my horizon??

Okay, so Thanksgiving. Y’know, I was really planning to expound on Bub’s eternal idiocy once again. I was gonna write all about his very irritated early morning rant/lecture to me about all of my apparent shortcomings as a human being because I was once again failing to communicate with him properly or support him adequately enough in his first attempt at turkey roasting. But y’know what? Quite honestly, it’s just more of the same ‘ol shit, so really, need I go there yet again? Y’all know what a raving lunatic he is. And even if you can’t fully comprehend the tiny nuances of what a conversation with him is truly like when he feels he’s been wronged in some way, it’s okay. Because I no longer need that validation that his behavior is unacceptable and that I don’t have live with it anymore. I get that. Thus the separate addresses. ;D He is who he is, and he’ll always be in my life one way or another, I can accept that. But by golly, at least I have a life to look forward to now. Anyway, Thanksgiving (and the turkey) turned out fine. We played cards with his parents, ate pie, mmmmmm piiiiiiie, and all was well.

Then I got to go to my brother and SIL’s house for another Thanksgiving (leftovers) feast on Saturday. Now that was nice! Em played with her cousins, we yakked and yakked, no tension, no yelling, (except to tell the kids to cool it!) just a nice, relaxing time. We wrapped up some food to take to my granny in the nursing home and wish her a happy Thanksgiving, but unfortunately, she was feeling under the weather and not up for the company. My SIL asked one of the nurses to put the food in the fridge for her to enjoy later, but we both suspected that it wouldn’t make it much past the night shift crew. Bummer. I didn’t even get to hug her because she thought she might have something viral and said we should keep our distance. :( But after our disappointingly brief visit, we decided to take advantage of the lovely, unseasonably warm weather and stop off at a local park before heading back to my bro. & SIL’s house.

Here’s the only pic that I felt comfortable posting since I’m not real keen on sharing pics of other people (especially their kids) without their knowledge and permission. My brother and SIL still don’t know about this blog (some of the seemingly few people left, I presume ;D) and I’d really like to keep it that way. I’m not totally sure why I’m still holding out on that front, but I guess I just want a little piece of something that I can keep for myself. Plus, they seem just a bit too close to home for my comfort level, KWIM?

Sunday, Em and I spent the entire day out, enjoying her last little bit of freedom before heading back to school today. We found a fabulous little park in a nearby city with a fishing lake, walking trails, playground equipment, etc. I think we spent the better part of an hour at the water's edge, just basking in the warm air, cool breezes coming off the lake, and serene quiet of mother and daugher working side by side on a mission to dig up, and add to our collection, every single little shell we could reach without taking an untimely plunge. She told me later that this was one of her very best days with me ever. It's funny how little it really takes to make kids happy, isn't it? And as we were leaving, we happened to spot a group (flock? who knows?) of ducks crowding around another park-goer sporting an irresistable bag of stale bread heels. I was immediately reminded of some of my fondest childhood memories of my brother and I taking drives with our grandpa out to the duck pond near my grandparents home with our own bags of stale bread heels. I miss him so. By far, one of the finest men I will ever know. I, of course, have every intention of bringing Em back with her very own bag of stale bread heels just as soon as possible.

2006-11-22T14:24:00.001-06:00

Yikes, it's been a whole week! I don't really have time for a real post right now as Em's been out of school all week for Thanksgiving (hey, how come all I ever got was three stinkin days?!) and I am humbly reminded once again how difficult it is to work aaaaaaand try to keep an active 9 year old entertained/occupied without allowing unlimited access to the boob tube. Right now I've got her trying out that Conair home spa that I picked up a Bub's yard sale. It's fabulous, she's been in there for an hour with her Bratz and plenty of bubbles, ahhhhhh...

Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still here, well, in body anyway, my mind hightailed it outta here loooooong ago! ;D We're doing Thanksgiving at Bub's with his parents tomorrow, and then Em and I are supposed to go to my brother and SIL's on Saturday. We plan to go visit my granny in the nursing home, but have no plans to see my dad and stepmom. Gee, haven't heard from them in a while, wonder if my stepmom is mad at me or something?? ;D Sorry, couldn't resist. Yep, still no contact from her. I wonder how long she'll keep it up?

Well, that's all I can muster for now, but I promise to make a real post soon. After all, I can't NOT share how our upcoming Thanksgiving experience with Bub actually cooking the turkey for the first time ever goes. BTW, I had to explain (in detail) how to baste a turkey after he got his panties in a wad when the turkey roasting instructions I emailed him were apparently too vague. Idiot.

2006-11-15T17:17:00.000-06:00

Oh… dear… god… See's Candy has arrived here in the Natural State, nooooooooooo! While at the mall on Sunday, we just happened upon a new booth featuring the one and only, See's Candy. Complete with white and black clad ladies handing out… gulp, free samples. Obviously, I had no choice but to partake in such a thoughtful and generous offering… no really, no choice... right? ;D Anyway, I needed this like I need a hole in the head. Hell, next thing you know a brand spanking new Round Table Pizza joint will open up, and then I’ll really be doomed. For those unfamiliar with Round Table, it is a west coast (where I grew up) pizza chain, which quite frankly, no other nasty greasy pizza I’ve had the misfortune to consume can even compare to. Honestly, Round Table pizza has ruined me for all others, which I suppose I should be grateful for considering how it’s the one and only reason why pizza has not become a binge/trigger food for me here in Arkansas. Anyway, enough about that, now to just stay away from the mall…

Get this; Em’s school puts on a family Thanksgiving lunch every year, so naturally, every year we go to it. In the meantime, I’ve been sending Bub weekly school emails to update him about her work for the week, what they’re doing and learning about, and any other upcoming school related things. For the past two weeks I’ve made sure to include the upcoming Thanksgiving lunch with the date and time listed. So Tuesday I sent him an email asking if he was gonna need a ride on Thursday, and what I got back was, “this Thursday?” (Ummm, yuh?) Yes, this Thursday 11/16 at 12:40 pm. And this is the reply I got back from him:

*Sorry for the spelling, I just copied and pasted, and he obviously doesn’t believe in spell checker.

well, i needed more of a notice than that. I already took my day off this week on friday. I can't take off at all now. I really need a good week in advance to schedule stuff because I can't just find out 2 days ahead of time and change things with jim (his boss). I can, but htere is a lot of bullshit that I have to deal with in order to do it. So I guess I am not going to be able to come.

In the future, I need to know as soon as you know the dates of things. That way I can schedule it. That goes back to the conversation we have had hundres of times about you not letting me know stuff.

So, apparently he doesn’t bother to read the weekly updates even though he ranted and raved and insisted upon being included in all aspects of Em’s life, thus prompting me to start sending said updates in the first place. Anyway, this is all I wrote back:

It's been in the school stuff email for the last two weeks.

Ha, bite me buddy. Sorry to be so juvenile, but that’s how I felt. Finally I had some ground to stand on. Of course I knew he would find a way to shift the blame back to me somehow, but at least, if only for a moment, I had him on something… and I liked it! :D

2006-11-11T10:22:00.000-06:00

Aw rats, I’ve been busted!! My long distance provider sent me a letter saying that I’m over using my "unlimited" nationwide calling plan and that they’re gonna switch me to a 10 cent per minute plan unless I call to set up a different plan to “better meet my needs”. Ug. Well, I guess I can’t really expect them to approve of using a residential line for telemarketing huh? Gee, wonder what tipped them off? Perhaps the 16 pages worth of 1 minute phone calls all over the country? Gee, ya think? Oh well, I suppose I’ll either have to shell out A LOT more dough and switch over to a business line, or go with something like Vonage, yippee! And y’know what’s interesting? I’m not stressing and freaking out about it. Sure, it sucks monkey butt, but that’s life. What can I do about it? Yup, I likes me some Paxil, good stuff I tell ya! ;D

Bub’s having a yard sale this weekend. He asked if I wanted to put anything in it, and if I would help him go through our storage building and haul stuff back to his house with my van. Ugh, helping him move, arrange, go through stuff was always one of my least favorite things to do with him. Nothing Em or I could ever do was right during these horribly stressful excursions. Constantly critical, demanding, easily irritated, and an overall joy to be around, as usual. So y’know what I did? I said no. I was nice about it of course, but I declined to help. Woohoo! He ended up getting his roommate to help and they borrowed my van, but that was fine by me as long as I didn’t have to participate. Ahhhh… Have I mentioned lately how elated I am not to have to live with crap like this anymore? :)

I got to see a grown-up movie last night, woohoo! Em spent Friday night with Bub to help with the yard sale Saturday morning, so I took the opportunity to go to the movies all by my lonesome, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Stranger Than Fiction was really good, though I expected it to be more of a comedy than the dramatic comedy that it turned out to be. But I didn’t care, it was a grown-up movie. Movie going is one of the things I’ve missed most since becoming a mom. Sure, we went to a lot of movies, but we were never ones to leave Em with a babysitter (or anyone for that matter) so our movie choices typically had to be kid friendly, especially after she got old enough to understand and be interested in the film. Un-kid related side note, but I also REALLY missed being able to sit where I wanted, in the back of the theater, instead of right up front so Bub could see better. I always came away from the theater with a crick in my neck and a terrible headache. So last night I got to sit in the very back row, and enjoyed the whole thing crick and headache free for a change, ahhhhh. :)

I stopped by Bub’s yard sale this morning and bought myself a Conair Thermal Spa from one of his roommates for five bucks. It was freezing out because a cold front came through last night and poor Em was turning into a popsicle despite being thoroughly bundled up. A friend of hers from down the street had come over to sit with her and keep her company until Bub got on to Em for playing with her friend instead of helping with the yard sale like he expected her to. Among other things, he told her that he didn’t have time to babysit her today, so she’d better go home with me unless she was ready to work. Naturally, after his “talk”, she opted to go home with me despite how excited she had been about helping with the yardsale. I can’t say that I blame her, we could both see how the day was gonna go had she stayed. So we took the friend home with us and now they’re happily playing in her room. Ahhh, life is good… :)

2006-11-06T21:44:00.000-06:00

I got a nice little scam in the mail today. It was a real, bonafide check for $3,300.00 from a real company and written off a real bank account. The notice said I had won $200,000.00 in some supposed contest I had entered and the $3300 was to cover the “non residential government taxes”. All I had to do was deposit the check and send a money gram back and then they would send the rest of my winnings, woohoo! Oh puhleeeeeze! I looked up the company that was on the check and found it to be an actual company in MD that does heat and A/C, so I called them and asked to speak with the manager. Right away she asked where I was calling from because apparently they’ve been getting calls from all over the country. Some scam artists gained access to their bank account and has been sending checks out in their name right and left. She said they were able to close the account before they lost any money, but all these people who don’t know any better are depositing the phony checks which subsequently bounce, but not before they’re out all that money. >:( Anyway, she thanked me for the call and I wished them luck. Then I quickly shot off an email to one of the local news stations in case they want to let others know about this, and after that I called my MIL to warn her knowing that she would have deposited the check in a heartbeat had she received one as well. That was pretty much my excitement for the day, can ya dig it? ;D

We took Em out for her excellent report card reward this weekend. We went to a place in Little Rock that has miniature golf, racetracks, bumper boats (in the summer), paintball, batting cages, and an arcade. We did the racetrack, mini golf, and played some arcade games. The racetrack was pretty cool because Em and I were able to get a double seater and enjoy it together. Bub just watched cuz he didn’t think the little racecars would support his weight, gee, bummer. ;D The mini golf was typical mini golf with Bub, tense and stressful with many “I hate daddy!” and “he’s mean!” whispers from Em. Ug. I’ll have to bring her back by ourselves one day so she can enjoy herself like she should be able to, poor kid. Then we took her over to the mall where she got to pick out some new earrings. She was on a mission for hoops, not too big and not too small. Of course we found the perfect pair at Claire’s, the earring mecca of malls everywhere. Then, on the way home, Em conveniently forgot all of the day’s stresses and announced that she wanted to stay the night at daddy’s! Huh? Okay, whatever chick. So we grabbed some stuff and I dropped them off at his house after we got back into town. I was supposed to pick her up at 4:00 on Sunday, but she called long before that asking to come home early. No problem. Except now I’m seeing a definite pattern of acting out after spending long periods of time with him. It’s my opinion that she spends so much time trying to be perfect and repressed that once she gets home she has the need to comfortably let go and be herself… to the extreme at times. So, in the middle of a typical post daddy’s meltdown, I was holding her and telling her that I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to express her feelings, but that she has to work on the proper way to do so without yelling, acting out, and being disrespectful. Then she just kinda stopped and said that she does it because she can with me. Because she knows that I’m not gonna get mad and yell and scare her and stay mad and punish her the way daddy does. And that she’s too scared to act like that in front of daddy because she knows how he’ll react, but she knows she’s safe with me. She also said that she knows I don’t deserve it, but sometimes she just gets so worked up that she doesn’t know how to control herself. Anyway, we’re working on getting a game plan together to help her recognize when she’s starting to lose control, and to help her regain control on her own. Unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about Bub being Bub, so I guess we’ll just continue working around it as best we can. I often wonder what she’d be like today had I left him when she was a baby like I know I should have? Trying not to kick myself more, just… wondering…

2006-11-01T17:20:00.000-06:00

Hmmmm, well isn’t this interesting? I had another smallish Bub incident on Tuesday and either the Paxil is taking affect or I’m just getting used to his idiocy. But since I’m already used to his idiocy then I gotta assume it’s the Paxil. Em decided last minute that she didn’t want him to come trick or treating with us, and I can’t say as I blame her knowing how perfect she’d have to try to be the whole time, as it always has been in previous years. Anyway, she told me this on Tuesday morning and before I had a chance to really think about how I’d handle it, Bub called me to see what our plans for trick or treating would be. Ummm, uh, oh, um, fumble, spurt. Bleh. Needless to say, he was pissed. His immediate reaction was one of hurt feelings, even though one of his biggest assurances is that it wouldn’t hurt his feelings if she doesn’t want him to participate in some activities. So when I reminded him of that fact he quickly made sure to change his story enough to place the blame squarely on me for how crappy he was feeling, as was expected. Yes, I realize that telling him on the day of the event was pretty rude and inconsiderate, especially since we both assumed he’d be going, but apparently I was supposed to have been able to read Em’s mind and figure all of this out last week so he would have plenty of advance notice seeing as how he has such a hopping social life to work around and all. My goodness, between playing World of Warcraft for hours on end and watching movies from his DVD collection of well over 500 titles, it’s a wonder how he even finds the time to bitch at me when I screw up somehow. But by golly, he makes the time! Priorities y’know, gotta love ‘em. Anyway, he bitched and moaned, blamed, guilted, projected and chastised, all the usual stuff, and then he had to go so we hung up, thank goodness! And then it was time for the usual flood of anxiety and overwhelming pressure to somehow fix this and make it all better, right? Except… the real flood never came. Of course I was somewhat anxious, and I did work in earnest to smooth things over, but I didn’t shut down and I didn’t let it prevent me from functioning and working normally. I processed my feelings, dealt with them best I could, and then I was able to let go and remind myself that he can be pissed and that’s okay. It’s not like he’s gonna start a custody war over not getting enough notice on our plans. This is life, shit happens, next time I’ll make sure to find out ahead of time if Em wants to do things differently than normal, and that’s it. Whew! Anyway, he left it up to Em about whether he would still go with us or not, (she chose not) and I did have a talk with her about being more considerate when it comes to making or un-making plans with him, and that’s all she wrote. We went trick or treating by ourselves and had a fun, relaxed time together, just as I always knew we would. Here are some pics, she was a vampiress, or, as she put it, Count Dracula's wife. BTW, I managed to come through the candyfest mostly unscathed. Only 1/2 a tootsie roll and 1 peanut M&M. And neither induced the urge to binge, woohoo!

In other news, I went to Em’s school to read a book aloud to her class today. Her teacher offered an open invitation to all of the parents at the beginning of the year, so I finally decided to take her up on it. I chose one of my and Em’s all time favorite children’s books; Skippyjon Jones. If you haven’t read it, you must, it’s hysterical! The reading went beautifully, I had the entire room of fourth graders totally enthralled with the lively story, and they even cheered and clapped raucously at the end. Woohoo, score one for mom! Em was grinning from ear to ear and I was thankful for the opportunity to participate in this way before it becomes monumentally un-cool to have your mom at school. Something that I’m sure is coming much sooner than I’m prepared for, sigh…

2006-10-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

I’d say it’s high time I re-evaluate my commitment to healthy living. Why? Well, this is why. Sandi’s post, and my ensuing reaction to it, got me thinking. She went to that expo; she was bombarded with mostly unexpected temptations, and she chose to stay on plan. Given my current mindset, I am certain that I would not have done the same, not right now. The level of commitment and dedication she showed when she chose not to indulge in even the smallest of FREE treats mirrors what I held fast to throughout my own weight loss. I didn’t cheat, almost never. I’m talking not even swiping one piece of candy from Em’s Halloween haul each year, no cake on my own birthdays, no BLT’s (bite/lick/tastes) while cooking dinner, etc. My resolve was pristine, my will formidable. Yes, I had planned free meals, but they were always meticulously thought out and accounted for with extra clean eats before and after, and added exercise to boot. Never were they spur of the moment, never were they out of control. So, what happened? Complacency. Not that it’s any excuse, but life happened and I let myself become complacent. And I am truly humbled by how quickly things got out of control the moment I let my guard down ever so slightly. I realize that this year has probably been one of the most difficult of my life. Not only that, but difficult in more ways than I ever could have imagined. How I’ve dealt with and my reactions to the challenges I’ve faced this year have surprised me to say the least. And if nothing else, it’s been a fascinating process of learning more about myself than I’ve ever known before. But the fact is, life happens. SHIT happens that can’t be planned for, can’t be controlled, and can’t be ignored. Does that give me a free pass to behave as if I can eat like my former fat girl self without consequence? Ummmm, NO! So what on earth made me think I could? Not a damn thing, but that’s exactly what I did.

In reading Sandi’s inspirational words, I suddenly realized that when I once would have met a situation such as she found herself in with stoic resolve to honor my commitment, I now would just make another excuse to throw up my hands and say what the hell, I’ll try again tomorrow. That’s not cool, not cool at all. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. And that’s certainly not the kind of person I can afford to be considering my serious affliction with food addiction. I can’t afford the luxury of those kinds of slips. Just like an alcoholic can’t afford to take even one sip, I can’t afford to allow “what the hell” kind of thinking. Cuz it’s not just extra calories to me, or more time needed working out. That kind of thinking means a spiraling trip right back into the deeply emotional midst of the vicious cycle obesity affords. That kind of thinking is precisely what can undo years of hard work, ultimately turning me into just another statistic. One of the 90%+/- of people who regain all or more of the weight they’ve lost. I can’t afford to go down that path again, and by god, I won’t.

Yes, I have regained some weight. Not a lot, but enough to make me uncomfortable. Although the snugness of my jeans isn’t necessarily what has me concerned. It’s really the newly re-acquired fat girl mindset that has me running for the hills. The propensity for that “what the hell” thinking that makes my heart pound in the stillness of night. Sure, there was a time that I talked extensively of regaining a little weight to add some padding beneath my too thin skin, but I have discovered that the weight gain has done nothing for the bony appearance in the places that I thought needed the most help. My body is structured in such a way that I now realize only plastic surgery would be able to help. So, the simple truth is that there is nothing I can realistically do about what I am left with other than try to cover it best I can and learn to accept that I may never be truly comfortable in my own skin. But what I can do, and what I can control, is my ability to never again re-fill that deflated skin. To never again become the person that I was so desperately and stringently trying not to be. I can control how much power I allow food to hold over me, regardless of how little control I feel I have at times. What it comes right down to is that the choice is still mine, one way or another, the choice is, always has been, and always will be mine, all mine.

2006-10-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

We took Em to the state fair this weekend. My eats could have been better, though I don’t know how much considering the dismal array of crappy food I had to choose from. But I knew what to expect and decided before hand not to worry too much about it. Of course I didn’t neeeeed that fudge with walnuts, but hey, shit happens. I did start to feel a little bit bingy due to the “it’s too late now” philosophy that I’m sure we’re all quite familiar with. Especially since I went for a comfort food choice for dinner (bread bowl with creamy Mexican chicken soup) because of my cold, exhausted, headachy state of mind after a veeeeeery long day. So when I got home, the No Pudge brownies Em and I made on Saturday were really calling to me, and I did go ahead and have two very small ones (I cut them into 20 instead of 12 pieces) but then something interesting happened; I just stopped. I’m not sure why exactly, since I was definitely feeling that familiar feeling, but I just stopped. I guess I figured I had done enough damage and didn’t need to make matters any worse. Plus, I think I’m just over that crap now, but not in the sense that I don’t have a problem with it anymore, cuz I know I always will. More like, I’m tired of the whole binge scene and I’m soooooo over it, KWIM? So that was that, I ate some crappy food but it could have been worse, and now I’m done and tomorrow is a brand new day. That’s life. Of course, I’ll just leave out the part about tying one on at the Chinese buffet the next night since General Tsao’s calories obviously don’t count. They don’t count… right? ;D Hey, it’s Chinese, whaddaya expect?!

The fair was good, chilly and windy, but good. As long as it’s not hot I’m happy. Bub was a little “Bub-like” at first, but he loosened up and didn’t end up ruining the day as he so easily could have and has done countless times before. Em bravely rode a lot of the big rides, including one of those where they lift you up a tower and then just drop you without warning, bleh. And we did all the spin and pukes (my favs) until our age (Bub’s and mine) caught up with us and we were spun and puked out. Em, of course, could have gone on indefinitely, but what else is new? All in all, it was a nice time, so I’m happy with that.

This week brought parent teacher conferences and Em's first report card for fourth grade. All A’s, even math, which she’s been struggling with at bit this year. Both her regular teacher and her gifted and talented teacher had nothing but praise for her academically. Although her regular teacher, Mrs. Young, did mention some excessive talking and cattiness with the other girls, but that’s pretty typical of Em. Overall, we’re extremely pleased and very proud as always, and we plan to reward her in some way for all her hard work and effort, as she obviously deserves it. I also took an instant liking to her gifted and talented teacher, Mr. Corbitt (this was the first time I had actually met him). Very laid back, young(er), fun, and not too hard on the eyes either, I might add. :) Em likes him a lot too, much better than the GT teacher she had last year who was an older lady that Em described as grouchy more often than not. She had been kind of nervous about having a male teacher for the first time this year, but it looks as though her fears were for naught as Mr. Corbitt has turned out to be a pretty cool dude. Much the same way Mr. Deja proved his worth to me in third grade when I was harboring the same unfounded fears. And who, to this day, remains one of my all time favorite teachers. Of course, he did spoil me for my next male teacher, Mr. Thompson. Now that guy was truly an ass! Oh well, can’t win ‘em all I guess.

2006-10-18T20:05:00.000-05:00

Teehee, Bub is now referring to the possibility of Em living with him part time as “Em maybe spending a week with me… or something”. What? Being a full time parent is hard? Gee, maybe he would have known that if he’d ever tried being one before. No resentment, just realism. Idiot.

Okay, nuff about that. So, ya’ll know how I loves me some free stuff, right? I mean it’s ridiculous what I’m willing to go through for the sake of free stuff sometimes, but hey, that’s me, everybody has their “thing” and this is mine. But sometimes those ridiculous things actually pay off, as in my acquirement of a brand new free Senseo coffee maker. I found the listing of a “free stuff” website, yes an actual site just for free stuff, and believe me, there are tons of them! But usually the free stuff is just product samples and cheesy, inconsequential crap. This time, however, I had the opportunity to earn myself an honest to goodness coffee maker simply by truthfully filling out a survey portraying my very real addiction to a good cuppa joe. And after careful consideration, determining that my affliction with coffee was great enough that I might actually brag (as I’m doing now) to others about their product, they shipped me a brand spanking new Senseo coffee maker of my very own. Woohoo, now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!! It’s kinda cool with these special little flavored “pods” that, along with its unique design, make for a yummy, frothy brew. It’s a nice treat, something different, and best of all, ITS FREE!! What more could a bonafide cheapskate coffee addict ask for? ;D

Now for a quick update on the food front. I think I'm really getting a handle on this thing. It certainly hasn't been perfect, not by any means, but the honestly out of control binging seems to be behind me for now. I have my moments, of course, don't get me wrong, but it got reeeeeealy bad there for a while, and now I think I've got it mostly under control. I just had to stop letting it be okay to get away with this shit because that's really all I was doing; letting it be okay. And it's not okay, period. Plus, my clothes were starting to get a little too uncomfortable and I'll be damned if I'm gonna actually drop some dough on the next size (or two) up. So, if nothing else, my frugalness has put the kibosh on this whole crappy eating thing. Anyway, the pants-o-meter has begun to indicate that my abstinance is paying off, and I am now looking forward to once again fitting into my "skinny" jeans... soon, I hope. :)

2006-10-14T23:03:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s official, I’m on drugs. Okay, okay, one drug, Paxil to be exact. I went to the doctor, and no, it was most certainly not the same one who told me there must be something wrong with me for losing so much weight on my own, and who tried to run a whole bunch of unnecessary tests on me. Nope, I picked me out a nice, new lady doc who recognized my distress for what it was and said here’s a magic little pill to make it all better, woohoo! I liked her a lot and I think I’ll stick with her as my regular doc, cuz you know I’m gonna have to go back after the chastising I got for dodging all those paps over the last nine years. Sheesh, you’d think I had committed a mortal sin or something! Yeah, yeah, yeah, here’s the plan; if I can get some sort of deal worked out where it’s not costing me an arm and a leg, then I’ll go back and have my nether regions checked and cleared so everyone can rest assured that my girly business is all in proper working order… soon… no really, I swear! I also liked her cuz she understood my need to keep things as low cost as possible so she prescribed a higher than necessary dosage of pills (40 mg.) and instructed me to break them in half so they’ll last twice as long. Now that’s my kind of doc! Anyway, she said I probably wouldn’t notice any difference for a few weeks, and then all of a sudden things will just seem easier to deal with, and I wouldn’t feel like a blubbering idiot so much of the time, which is precisely what I’m looking for. So for the time being, she said I just gotta hang on, and hopefully things will start to look up soon.

Em spent the night with Bub again Friday night, and I am appalled by how lost I feel without her here. My life is so completely wrapped up in hers that when she’s not here I don’t even know what to do or how to feel. I know I need a life of my own, but I spent so long just trying to protect her, then working to save her, and now trying to give her as normal and happy childhood as possible, that I never really learned how to do those things for myself. And I don’t really know what to do about it, or what to even make of this realization, but since it was rattling around up there, I figured I might as well share it.

Bub called me this morning, (Saturday) apparently they had been “having issues” since the night before but now it finally got too much for him and he didn’t know what to do with her anymore. He was clearly frustrated and annoyed, and she was having none of it, refusing to talk about anything. He wanted me to come mediate; he wanted to hash it all out right then and there, as is his way. They obviously needed a break from each other, but that goes against his very being. Nope, you have to face your problems head on and work through them until they’re resolved no matter how long it takes, or how unwilling the involved parties are to cooperate. It’s a control thing, and although he realizes that others work differently than he does, he is not satisfied unless things go his way, which is the right way of course. Ug. He wanted me to come back him up, to make her understand that resorting to disrespecting him is not an option, and to get her to talk it out with him and resolve their issues right then and there. Dude, she’s NINE! It’s a simple fact, when she gets like this, there is no talking to her rationally, there is no getting her to take responsibility for her actions, there is only defensive stubbornness until she has a chance to back away from the craziness and collect herself. When given that chance she can almost always identify how she contributed to the chaos through her actions and words. And not only will she see it, but she will also understand how inappropriate it was and typically end up apologizing for her behavior all on her own. This is just how she works. But since it’s always all about him and making sure his wants and needs are met first and foremost, he apparently can’t just let go and try what actually works with her, oh nooooooo, she should be able to conform to his way, since it iiiiiiis best and all. Anyway, I finally talked him into letting her take a break for a couple of hours, with the promise that we would come back so they could “talk” about it more. So I took her out to lunch since she was starving cuz according to him, everything, including hunger must wait when there are issues to be worked out. Then we came back home, chilled out, put up some Halloween decorations and made plans to have Sheree come stay the night (yes, they’re friends again… this week anyway) and then, low and behold, she was ready to talk about it. Gee, go figure. The discussion took 15 minutes, tops. She knew she was being a disrespectful little heifer and that she had crossed the line (even though Bub was being his typical self, which is more than any human being should be expected to put up with, and probably deserved much of what he was getting from her) But the point is, she knew it wasn’t okay, and she owned up to and apologized for her behavior. Now, was that really sooooooo hard? And the whole time, I couldn’t help but smugly think to myself, all this after only one night together? Heh, let’s just see how a whole week goes; now that should be interesting! Let’s just say I felt a little more secure in my role as primary caregiver after that one.

Anyway, she's home tonight, Sheree is over, they're enjoying being kids, as they should be, and all is once again right with the world, sigh...

2006-10-12T20:41:00.000-05:00

So I guess I shoulda mentioned that Em stopped going to counseling several weeks ago, huh? Mellany, her counselor, accepted another job offer (with great remorse, but she felt it was something she had to do) and Counseling Associates hired a new person to replace her. But the new person wasn’t in place until after Mellany left and Em never got a chance to meet her first, so she wasn’t real keen on the idea of breaking in the new girl. Also, as Mellany was acutely aware, Em made it a point to almost never discuss the real issues, ie: problems with Bub. No, she’s very pleased with her current state of denial, and mostly chose to only accept guidance on school/friend/social issues. I even asked Mellany once what was the point of continuing if Em refuses to open up about the deeper issues, and she said that it probably wouldn’t be very productive, but at least Em was willing to talk about the surface issues, and she just hoped that was helping Em in her own way. Anyway, Bub, of course, couldn’t stand Em going to counseling every week since he had no control over it, which basically made her going more trouble than it was worth since she wasn’t using it for it’s intended purpose anyway. So when the new girl finally called to set up an appointment, Em said she really didn’t want to go back, and of course, Bub was all for it. I decided I wouldn’t force the issue, so that’s where we are today. Man, was I ever wishing Mellany was still there when Em decided that she wanted to live with Bub part time, it would have totally floored her, I’m sure, cuz the last thing she knew is that Em wanted barely anything to do with the man. Ahh, the good ol’ days, my how times change.

As for the legalities of custody and all that crap, in the interest of appeasing the Bubba monster I’ve agreed to go the 18 months separation/no fault divorce route. Which means that we haven't made anything official and won't go through the court system at all until the 18 months separation is up. This way he doesn’t have to accept any responsibility for being the asshole that he is, and he doesn’t get made out to be the bad guy. Unfortunately, since he can obviously do no wrong, these are the only divorce terms he would be willing to accept without putting up a fight and making my life even more miserable. The truth of the matter is, there is no way in hell he’d ever agree that his behavior or actions were instrumental in the breakup of his family, and if I were to ever try to convince him, or anyone else of that, then he would view it as a personal attack, thus eliciting his spiteful, ruthless wrath. I will not get into a petty pissing match with him, so in an attempt to keep things amicable, I am willing to go along with a lot of ridiculous bullshit, like his belief that he shouldn’t have to pay child support. After all, if Em needs anything all I need to do is ask, right? Whatever dude, I don’t want or need your money (if you had some) anyway. Like my mom said, you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip, and I’m perfectly happy making my own way without any help from him, thank you very much. Anyway, all of this may not be the smartest idea, but it works for us and keeps life worth getting out of bed for in the morning, so that’s what I plan to keep doing. BTW, it’s been almost six months now, only one more year to go, woohoo!!

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow (Friday), so I’ll update on that when I have some news. I’ve also been speaking with a local health insurance agent about finding an affordable plan. It’s all pretty sucky and not really worth the money, but if I’m gonna have to be going to a doctor regularly and taking prescription medicine, then I figure I’d better do something to help manage the cost. I just keep telling myself that my car will be paid off soon, my car will be paid off soon. I will make this work… one way or another. No need to worry about what might happen if my car up and dies on me, cuz the universe is simply not that cruel… right? Just smile and nod, k? It helps, I swear! ;D