Thursday, July 07, 2005

Don't sweat the small stuff, ha!

I'm mad at the world lately. It seems like everything just pisses me off. I have very little patience for anyone or anything and it's really starting to bring me down. I've never had a lot of patience but it seems so much worse lately. I don't want to be this angry woman with a negative attitude. How do I keep all this little shit from getting under my skin so easily? I realize that it stems from my outlook on life in general right now. My frustrations with my marriage, financial situation, unfulfilled job, etc. My overall lack of ambition and un-reached potential. My body image issues, ugh! When you lose 190 lbs. your body and more specifically your skin is left a complete mess. My tummy, thighs, boobs, and under my arms look like deflated balloons. They are just this hangy, droopy, saggy mess that get in the way of everything. I literally have to gather it up and stuff it into my clothes, and when I move like getting up or sitting down, it has to be rearranged so it doesn't pinch or pull. It's disgusting! And I am still having a hard time dealing with what I've been left with. I don't deny that it's my fault it got this way, or that I'm not completely better off without the excess weight. I just hate this fucking skin and it pisses me off more every time I have to deal with it. I hate that I have very little hope of ever having reconstructive surgery because my husband has completely ruined us financially. I hate that now, for the first time in my life, I am at a normal body weight, yet I can't enjoy it like other normal 28 year olds by wearing age appropriate fashions because my skin would be hanging out everywhere. I guess I'm just mourning the loss of this part of my life because I wasted the only chance I had being fat, and now that I'm not, I've ruined my body too much to make up for it.

Whaaa, poor me, life's not fair! I need to get over myself already. I know I need to accept this part of me too, but damnit it's so hard! I'm tired of kicking myself for it, but I just can't seem to stop. I'm just tired in general of so much right now, but nothings gonna change until I change it. My happiness is up to me, so what am I gonna do about it? Good question.


Post a Comment

<< Home