My grandma says to me tonight, “So I hear you have a boyfriend?” D'oh, slaps forehead. Been talking to mom have we? Oy vey. She just wants me to be as happy as she was with grandpa. Sounds good to me. She's lonely during the holidays too she says, she and grandpa used to have so much fun this time of year. I wonder if she noticed the hitch in my voice as I held back tears while we chatted about old times? That's what we always do, along with her telling of morbid old lady jokes that make me belly laugh and realize that growing old really can be done gracefully. Thank you for the call Grandma, I needed that tonight. So apparently the old potted pine tree grandpa hauled into the house each Christmas was bought the year their oldest child Steve was killed in a tragic motorcycle accident. I had no idea. It's been planted in the backyard ever since it got too big to bring in the house and is now as tall as the telephone wires. I always thought it was so kewl they had their own Christmas tree to use each year. Of course there was always lots of kewl stuff at grandma and grandpa's house. I saw a remake of the 50's something Barbie in Walmart the other day. Y'know, the one with red, curly hair and a black and white striped one-piece bathing suit? Grandma had that original little gem in the toy box in the poolroom, and even made hand crocheted dresses for the dolls. My cousin Alex and I used to spend hours digging through that toy box and playing Barbies. Oh, and the elaborate blanket forts we made under the pool table! So many fun memories from grandma and grandpa's house...

Em insists she'll bare me no grandchildren, which I'm fine with until she's about 30 or so, but beyond that it's just cruel! The lil' heifer, sheesh.

Christmas is so lonely for me now. I miss family Christmases from my childhood. I miss having somewhere to go and people to be with. Even with Bub we had family come visit or to go visit. But now my brother and sil go to her dad's on Christmas, my dad has his own family and Em and I have... each other. It's still not the same though... I was so desperate last Christmas that Em and I actually went to Bub's parents' house just so we'd have family to spend it with. Bub wasn't there of course, and it was nice not to be alone, but it still wasn't what I was looking for. This year we just stayed home, and I thought I would be okay, but the lonliness has set in so here I am. I don't want to spend anymore Christmases alone; I don't want to spend anymore anythings alone. The coming year is going to be one of change for me. It seems I need to do that every so often just to shake things up and give myself some purpose so now it's time again.

about damn time

Sometimes trying to raise an emotionally unstable child is simply more overwhelming than I can bear. There are days when it is never ending. Then there are days when she is only just out of control enough to keep me off balance. The day in and day out struggle is exhausting, truly. I am, however, grateful that she is self aware, unlike Bub. Typically after a “bad day” she can at least admit to the irrational behavior and show sincere remorse. On the flip side though, she's taken to using her chemical imbalance as an excuse as in, “I can't help it, I have problems”. And to some extent that is true, but it remains her burden and responsibility to keep herself in check. A few weeks ago she decided she didn't need her meds anymore. I knew something was up as I watched her deteriorate but I didn't realize what it was until she confessed during an emotional outburst that left her rocking violently whilst crying uncontrollably. I often wonder if she would have been different had I gotten her out of that environment sooner, or if this would have been her fate regardless, simply for being Bub's child? There has been progress, don't get me wrong, but I still long for more good days than not.

We'll be moving into the city this summer. The hour (each way) commute got old almost immediately so we're going to downsize to save on time, money and my sanity. Of course that means selling the house but I'm pretty confidant that I'll come out ahead. Luckily Em's social limitations means she's fine with changing schools, and the school district I'm getting her into looks to be excellent and comes highly recommended. Work is going very well, it seems my customer service experience and patience with stupid people translates well in collections. I've been there for almost a year now and figure I'll probably stay for as long as they'll have me, or until my numbers hit of course. ;) They even offer tuition reimbursement so maybe I really will get a chance to go back to school when Em's ready.

I'm trying my hand at dating. I got sick and tired of being alone and figured 32 was a bit young for full on cat lady status. Luckily the friendships and relationships I've experienced sans Bub have taught me so much about what's important to me, particularly which behaviors are and are not acceptable. And that, perhaps, I really am worth special treatment. Thank you for that honey, thank you. There's such an interesting dynamic between men and women. The intensity and newness leaves my head spinning which also explains how people can jump right into relationships without really knowing each other. But I'm keeping my head on straight, as well as trying to remain realistic about the prospect of nurturing a real relationship given the severity of Em's issues. I honestly think a lot of her problem is lack of positive male/fatherly influence, but I also know it will take an extraordinary person to take this burden on. So baby steps it is, as it should be. He's a nice guy and reminds me of my step-dad so I can't really go wrong there. I'm looking for red flags and asking a lot of questions but so far so good.

Other than that, Bub's still an idiot, 'nuff said.

I was happily reading my Patterson novel at lunch in the cafeteria the other day when I overheard a co-worker's conversation with his wife of 40 years. "I just had to tell you how beautiful you looked this morning, I love you so much honey." he said to her with such sweet abandon. "Even after 40 years you're more beautiful now and I love you more than the day we married." The emotion in his voice caught my ear while the utter sincerity in his words reeled me in and held me captive. The conversation went on like this for a few more minutes as I half heartedly pretended to read and re-read the same page in my novel while a few fat tears snaked slowly down my face. He wasn't tying to make up for some indiscretion, this was a typical everyday conversation preceded by talk of appointments and evening plans. He was simply telling the woman he loves how much she means to him for no other reason than his heart telling him to.

There are men in this world who love so deeply and unabashedly, I know there are. The fact that they're generally taken is no surprise to me. And it is my sincere hope that they are taken by deserving and appreciative partners. I do wonder though what it takes to be deserving of such unadulterated love. What will make what I have to offer enough for that kind of all consuming connection? Could it be that we're not all meant for that level of emotion? Despite my belief that there's someone for everyone, you know, soul mates and all that jazz, what if my idea of a soul mate isn't what my future holds? Or maybe I'm telling myself this bullshit so it'll be easier to settle later on. I just want some sincerity. I want to feel needed and appreciated; indispensable if you will. Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in my ass as Juno's father so eloquently put it.

To be the plan rather than an option... to be worth the sacrifice and uncertainty.

Well it appears as though I've moved on? Lost the desire or need? Run out of things to say? I dunno, but what I do know is that I can't just leave this, where's the closure in that? So, to all of you dear friends old and new, known to me or not, thank you... for everything. I'm at a crossroads currently, and where I'll end up I don't yet know, but where ever it is, I couldn't have gotten there without each and every one of you. You were my refuge, my saviors, my friends, and for that I am eternally grateful. I'm not sure yet if I'll be back, perhaps now and then when/if the words come, but until then just know that we are okay and always will be, because no matter what, we are free. So goodbye for now dear friends, I love you.

Yes We Can

As much as it pleases me that another old white guy won't be running things around here for the next few years, it pleases me infinitely more that G.W.'s time is finally coming to an end. I only wish Sarah could have experienced the thrill as well. But I know she's been donning that radiant smile all evening from where ever she is. Its almost over girl, its almost over.

So yes, I did indeed meet the silly boy over the summer in CA. He was exactly as I expected him to be and he even ended up tagging along on a couple of family outings during the vacation. He'll be going back home to India soon and I'm sure we'll remain friendly as he settles into early retirement. Vacation was spectacular btw, the weather simply couldn't have been better. The drive there and back with four kids in one minivan was certainly an... experience and now I can say btdt, no need to repeat. I think those Wright brothers just may have been on to something there. Anyhoo, had I been a better blogger I might have actually posted some pics but seeing as how I still haven't sent Em's last year's school pics to my mom I'd say the chances are slim to none. I know, I suck.

I finally have enough work now, yay me! And despite my distaste for the jobs at least they'll suffice until I can find my way back through school and actually do something worthwhile for a living. Y'know, I really can't complain a whole lot though, my job(s) consist of connecting with people, finagling information out of them that they wouldn't ordinarily offer up, so its kind of fun and challenging in that respect. Is this me trying to make the best out of it? Perhaps, but whatever does the trick right?

I have almost zero contact with Bub anymore. Em still wants to see him periodically so I've allowed it on a limited basis and only with supervision. It appeases her while retaining control of the situation and I'm as comfortable with that as I can be I think. Oh, here's some news regarding Bub. Instead of getting a real job he went back on disability (for his legal blindness). Fine, whatever, there's our taxpayer dollars at work. However, he actually did something worthwhile in that he gave the social security administration some info on Em and despite the fact that he signed away his rights to her, she's still eligible for disabled dependent benefits. Who knew? Anyway, I get this call saying hey we have money for you and I'm like suuuuure. But I went ahead and checked it out and low and behold I wasn't being punked. The benefits were retroactive from when he stopped “working” so she had like 7K just waiting to be claimed plus another $450 or so per month until he goes back to work or she turns 18. So basically she'll be getting a check every month until she turns 18. Unfreakinbelievable. Anyhoo, I'm supposed to use the extra money to help cover her monthly expenses and the 7k went to a new (used) car!!! No more pos van that breaks down anytime I drive more than 20 miles out of town. I got a sweet little maxima and paid for it outright so still no car payment, which is what I was hoping for. I still can't believe that it worked out this way but I'm not gonna balk at the extra moolah. At least that man has finally been useful for something. And if its any consolation I'll actually put those tax dollars to good use, so thank you everyone, I appreciate it.

Where oh where to start? Em and I are okay, thanks Wien, that’s as good as place as any to start. Words seem to escape me as of late. I’m tired, but what else is new. I have a new second job thanks to the silly boy; he sent me the listing. It’s similar to what I’m doing now and has a lot of potential. So the continued work from home, good pay for this area and room for advancement just about make up for the fact that I don’t love my job. Its what I’m good at sure, but there’s no passion in it. I’ll make my way back to school as soon as Em and I can both handle it. So until then I’m just thankful to be gainfully employed.

Em’s had a pretty rough go of it lately. Bub showed up with a police escort on her birthday under the pretense that he was returning her things from when she was there last, and to confiscate my license plate (seriously, don’t ask). Unfortunately it sent her into a tailspin that we’re still not fully recovered from, but we’re on our way. Her doc thinks it may be COBPD or childhood onset bi-polar disorder. Which would explain so much and at least it’s treatable. I dunno, something’s gotta give here. Maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel. We’ll see.

Honestly, I have a whole litany of things that I could justifiably complain about, however, bitchy, whiney people bug the shit outta me so I refuse to go there. Just know that we’re ok, that we have our good days and bad days like anyone, and that one way or another we’re gonna make it. I have beautiful, incredible people in my life that are there for me through thick and thin, just as you all have been, and I am grateful for each and every one of you. I want so much to return to this outlet with some measure of continuity, but the words come when they come whether I like it or not.