I was happily reading my Patterson novel at lunch in the cafeteria the other day when I overheard a co-worker's conversation with his wife of 40 years. "I just had to tell you how beautiful you looked this morning, I love you so much honey." he said to her with such sweet abandon. "Even after 40 years you're more beautiful now and I love you more than the day we married." The emotion in his voice caught my ear while the utter sincerity in his words reeled me in and held me captive. The conversation went on like this for a few more minutes as I half heartedly pretended to read and re-read the same page in my novel while a few fat tears snaked slowly down my face. He wasn't tying to make up for some indiscretion, this was a typical everyday conversation preceded by talk of appointments and evening plans. He was simply telling the woman he loves how much she means to him for no other reason than his heart telling him to.

There are men in this world who love so deeply and unabashedly, I know there are. The fact that they're generally taken is no surprise to me. And it is my sincere hope that they are taken by deserving and appreciative partners. I do wonder though what it takes to be deserving of such unadulterated love. What will make what I have to offer enough for that kind of all consuming connection? Could it be that we're not all meant for that level of emotion? Despite my belief that there's someone for everyone, you know, soul mates and all that jazz, what if my idea of a soul mate isn't what my future holds? Or maybe I'm telling myself this bullshit so it'll be easier to settle later on. I just want some sincerity. I want to feel needed and appreciated; indispensable if you will. Someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in my ass as Juno's father so eloquently put it.

To be the plan rather than an option... to be worth the sacrifice and uncertainty.

Well it appears as though I've moved on? Lost the desire or need? Run out of things to say? I dunno, but what I do know is that I can't just leave this, where's the closure in that? So, to all of you dear friends old and new, known to me or not, thank you... for everything. I'm at a crossroads currently, and where I'll end up I don't yet know, but where ever it is, I couldn't have gotten there without each and every one of you. You were my refuge, my saviors, my friends, and for that I am eternally grateful. I'm not sure yet if I'll be back, perhaps now and then when/if the words come, but until then just know that we are okay and always will be, because no matter what, we are free. So goodbye for now dear friends, I love you.

Yes We Can

As much as it pleases me that another old white guy won't be running things around here for the next few years, it pleases me infinitely more that G.W.'s time is finally coming to an end. I only wish Sarah could have experienced the thrill as well. But I know she's been donning that radiant smile all evening from where ever she is. Its almost over girl, its almost over.

So yes, I did indeed meet the silly boy over the summer in CA. He was exactly as I expected him to be and he even ended up tagging along on a couple of family outings during the vacation. He'll be going back home to India soon and I'm sure we'll remain friendly as he settles into early retirement. Vacation was spectacular btw, the weather simply couldn't have been better. The drive there and back with four kids in one minivan was certainly an... experience and now I can say btdt, no need to repeat. I think those Wright brothers just may have been on to something there. Anyhoo, had I been a better blogger I might have actually posted some pics but seeing as how I still haven't sent Em's last year's school pics to my mom I'd say the chances are slim to none. I know, I suck.

I finally have enough work now, yay me! And despite my distaste for the jobs at least they'll suffice until I can find my way back through school and actually do something worthwhile for a living. Y'know, I really can't complain a whole lot though, my job(s) consist of connecting with people, finagling information out of them that they wouldn't ordinarily offer up, so its kind of fun and challenging in that respect. Is this me trying to make the best out of it? Perhaps, but whatever does the trick right?

I have almost zero contact with Bub anymore. Em still wants to see him periodically so I've allowed it on a limited basis and only with supervision. It appeases her while retaining control of the situation and I'm as comfortable with that as I can be I think. Oh, here's some news regarding Bub. Instead of getting a real job he went back on disability (for his legal blindness). Fine, whatever, there's our taxpayer dollars at work. However, he actually did something worthwhile in that he gave the social security administration some info on Em and despite the fact that he signed away his rights to her, she's still eligible for disabled dependent benefits. Who knew? Anyway, I get this call saying hey we have money for you and I'm like suuuuure. But I went ahead and checked it out and low and behold I wasn't being punked. The benefits were retroactive from when he stopped “working” so she had like 7K just waiting to be claimed plus another $450 or so per month until he goes back to work or she turns 18. So basically she'll be getting a check every month until she turns 18. Unfreakinbelievable. Anyhoo, I'm supposed to use the extra money to help cover her monthly expenses and the 7k went to a new (used) car!!! No more pos van that breaks down anytime I drive more than 20 miles out of town. I got a sweet little maxima and paid for it outright so still no car payment, which is what I was hoping for. I still can't believe that it worked out this way but I'm not gonna balk at the extra moolah. At least that man has finally been useful for something. And if its any consolation I'll actually put those tax dollars to good use, so thank you everyone, I appreciate it.

Where oh where to start? Em and I are okay, thanks Wien, that’s as good as place as any to start. Words seem to escape me as of late. I’m tired, but what else is new. I have a new second job thanks to the silly boy; he sent me the listing. It’s similar to what I’m doing now and has a lot of potential. So the continued work from home, good pay for this area and room for advancement just about make up for the fact that I don’t love my job. Its what I’m good at sure, but there’s no passion in it. I’ll make my way back to school as soon as Em and I can both handle it. So until then I’m just thankful to be gainfully employed.

Em’s had a pretty rough go of it lately. Bub showed up with a police escort on her birthday under the pretense that he was returning her things from when she was there last, and to confiscate my license plate (seriously, don’t ask). Unfortunately it sent her into a tailspin that we’re still not fully recovered from, but we’re on our way. Her doc thinks it may be COBPD or childhood onset bi-polar disorder. Which would explain so much and at least it’s treatable. I dunno, something’s gotta give here. Maybe this is the light at the end of the tunnel. We’ll see.

Honestly, I have a whole litany of things that I could justifiably complain about, however, bitchy, whiney people bug the shit outta me so I refuse to go there. Just know that we’re ok, that we have our good days and bad days like anyone, and that one way or another we’re gonna make it. I have beautiful, incredible people in my life that are there for me through thick and thin, just as you all have been, and I am grateful for each and every one of you. I want so much to return to this outlet with some measure of continuity, but the words come when they come whether I like it or not.

Bub signed. He really freakin signed. So how do I feel? Not sure yet. Relieved, stunned and surprisingly indifferent to the whole thing. No Jilly, I don’t have to allow any kind of visitation, but whether I do or not still remains to be seen. If I so choose, Em could never have contact with that man again, though I doubt that will be the case. At this point I simply don’t know. So I’ll take it one day at a time and try to stay focused on doing what’s best for her. Its so very tempting to allow spite to take over and keep her from him forever, but in my heart I know that’s not what’s best. So we’ll see, and that’s the best I got right now. I’m not officially divorced yet, there’s still one more thing to sign and then the judge has to sign off on it. But it could literally be over by the time we reach CA next week. Over, done, finito. Free to live my life and raise my daughter precisely how I see fit. Go anywhere I want without another’s permission, make any decision that I deem right and necessary. That’s some scary shit. Never once did I imagine that I’d be here, in this place, now. He was always going to be a part of my life whether I liked it or not, period. And now? Now I’m at a loss I suppose. Perhaps reeling from the realization that I am in absolute control of my life. Wtf am I supposed to do with that? I’ve never had it before and certainly never expected to have it now. Yes, I know I took control when I left, but we all knew I was still under his thumb in a sense, especially regarding Em. That’s all I’m really trying to get at. The last tether being sprung and its unexpected implications. I’ll not flounder again though, not like I did after the great escape. Blindly searching for an anchor to make sense out of chaos. I am grounded now, I know me more than I’ve ever known me before. I’m simply temporarily disoriented as I try to once again find my bearings.

Everyone congratulates me y’know, says I have reason to celebrate, woohoo! Really? Is that how I’m supposed to feel? In time perhaps I will. But for now, I dunno. Relived indifference, that’s what I know.

Ok, this is it til we get back from vacation unless I can post a quickie update when I get confirmation of the divorce being final from there. Otherwise take care and I’ll see ya’ll on the flip side. xoxo

Oh, I almost forgot! I’m applying to become a foster mother. I’ve decided that I need to wait on going back to school right now but I figure there’s no reason why I can’t still help kids in need. I already have hands on experience dealing with Em’s delicate and sometimes explosive emotional issues, so that coupled with the training needed to get certified bolsters my confidence in my ability to do this. Em’s all for it, she thinks it would be awesome to have someone else to play with, and I like it because it doesn’t require me re-opening my baby making factory for bidness. Not that I have (or want) any prospective clients, but you get my drift. I’m only going to take one child at a time, and only school aged girls. I think I specified ages 5-13. Anyway, there’s an initial, informational meeting for all people interested in fostering on July, 21, and then we’ll see where it goes from there. I have to go through about 30 hours of training including CPR certification, and there will be in home inspections and interviews for both me and Em. I have an extra bedroom and will need to get a bed, but other than that I think I’m pretty well set. Of course I’ll have to kick the kitties out of that room, but I’m sure they’ll adapt.

Speaking of kitties, Em keeps bringing home stray kittens. I told her that she’s turning me into the crazy cat lady. And here I thought I’d have a few more years at least! ;) Anyway, I’m letting her keep one because I’m a big ol’ softie, but the other two gotta go! Yes that’s right; I currently have 5 cats in my house! That does qualify me as the crazy cat lady now doesn’t it? Oy vey.

I’m also searching for a new job in earnest. While the one I have pays well and allows me the freedom of working from home, it’s simply too unstable and unreliable. When we have active projects its great (or worth doing at least), but the projects are becoming increasingly sporadic, and if I don’t have work then I don’t get paid. I’ve got my eye on a city job working for our local utility/cable/internet company as a customer service/tech support specialist. I’m certainly more than qualified for the position on paper so I’m just hoping the compensation will be adequate. At least they’ll have benefits and I know this company isn’t going anywhere despite our spiraling economy. Though according to Bush we’ve seen economic growth this year. Perhaps he’s smoking crack, which I imagine is cheaper than huffing gas at this point anyway. I digress…

Bub still hasn’t signed his life away, a moment I am anxiously awaiting. My fear is that someone will talk him out of it so I’m just laying low and waiting. I’ve probed his parents and they don’t have a clue as to what he’s doing, so I’m not about to mention it. I haven’t told Em either, though I know I’ll have to at some point. I’m just not sure how to do so without completely destroying her. I’ll cross that bridge when/if the time is right and hopefully I’ll have the tools to help her through it. I’m over my anger at him for this latest stupidity, though I know I’ll never understand. And that’s ok, it’s not necessary or meant for me to understand. Props to Dave for that profound bit of wisdom and perspective, love ya babe! So I am at peace with it now, excited even at the possibilities this higher level of freedom affords. Just knowing that I will never have to answer to that man again is almost overwhelming. But I think I’ll manage. ;-)

Ok, 10 days and counting til we leave for the wild, wild west. Woohoo!

That self-centered, narcissistic, son of a bitch. Bub informed my lawyer today that he plans to relinquish his parental rights. Ok, everyone take a moment to cheer and rejoice, and then I’ll explain why I’m pissed. First of all, I was granted emergency temporary custody after his last shenanigans of holding her hostage and the final custody hearing was supposed to take place on August 7th. So my lawyer sent him a bunch of interrogatories which are questions that he’d have to answer under oath at the hearing. Stuff about his suicide attempts, mental health, police records, drug use, etc. Well apparently he didn’t want to answer those questions and open himself up to such damaging personal inquiries, so he called my lawyer (since he is acting as his own attorney) and said, “What will it take to end this? Just tell me what Bev wants and I’ll agree to it.” Well alright, finally something smart and rational from the idiot! Then my lawyer called me and we discussed what I wanted; full custody, limited visitation and no overnights or extended stays, etc. When she called him back with my intentions they apparently didn’t sit too well with him, so instead of being happy with what he could get he just decided to give up his rights. So the only father Em has ever known for almost 11 years has just given her up, seemingly because he couldn’t get his way. He said, “as long as Bev doesn’t go for child support then I’ll give up my rights.” And I wasn’t even asking for child support anyway and he knew that. But just like that, its my way or the highway. Bastard. So that’s it, my lawyer will draft up the papers, I’ll sign and hopefully he will too, then I’ll be divorced and Bub will no longer be Em’s father. Easy cheesy. I was absolutely floored though, as was my lawyer. I mean, who the hell does that? She even attempted to talk him out of such craziness but he was adamant. So I figure wtf, if that’s what he wants then let him have it. Needless to say, he continues to appall and disgust me.

In other news, our big road trip out west is coming up fast and furious. Plus the silly boy is planning to visit a family member that lives in the area at the same time so he’s gonna come hang out with us once or twice while we’re there. I had to cancel my trip up north when Bub pulled that shit with Em so this will be the first time we meet, and he’ll get to meet the whole family too! My sil is absolutely salivating at the prospect, lol. At any rate, it should be a blast, and then I’ll try to get my trip up there rescheduled cuz I was really looking forward to seeing Vancouver.