Friday, July 08, 2005


I wish I had one real, true friend. Someone you can and do tell everything to without fear of judgment. Who knows you inside and out and loves you unconditionally. And not like a partner or a family member or something, but a best girlfriend. I'm so closed off and antisocial. I never have made friends easily. And I don't make it easy to get to know me. I would always prefer solitude over company and I am uncomfortable in social situations. I'm sure I am perceived as standoffish, and perhaps I am. I have spent years building this wall around me and I very seldom let it down for anyone. But I miss the close contact, (I have had good friends in my life) and I long for someone to talk to who really gets me. I wonder if I had someone like that in my life, if I would still be so closed off regardless? Perhaps I make is so difficult to be my friend, that those who've tried have just given up eventually. I can't say I would blame them. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I was one of those people who seem so confident and comfortable around others. Do they feel the same way, yet force themselves to be outgoing? Or is it just natural for them? Probably a combination of both. Either way, I want some of that! I don't know how to fake it, I don't know how to open up and make myself inviting to others. I wonder if this behavior stems from my obesity or if it's just a crappy personality trait that I happen to have, or have grown to have from other reasons? What would people think if I let them get to know the real me? What would I think if I got to know the real me? Who's that? I have this perception of how I want others to think of me, this mask that I put on so people will like me, or to please them. Yup, I'm a people pleaser, but only to a certain extent. I don't go out of my way to volunteer my time and effort, especially when it comes to social situations. But I always try to make others happy and give them what they want. I have learned to do this for myself too though. I had too. Especially when it comes to my exercise time. I couldn't be wishy washy about that or it would never get done. My family pretty much understands that this is my time and they really do make an effort to let me have it. I have to give them credit for that. It does feel a little selfish sometimes, but I have to be a little selfish when it comes to taking care of myself, or I never would. Yea, I can live with that. Anyway, I guess I really ought to start working on making myself more available to others. Open up a bit and allow myself a little vulnerability. If I ever hope to have the kind of friendships I long for I'm gonna have to, but why does it have to be so damn hard for me?


Blogger Dana said...

wow!! you put your heart and soul into that message. I could really relate to it. Where do we get our images of "girlfriends"? Is it the same place as where we get perfect images for our marriages and bodies too? The movies- or just others around us?

As I grow older I've noticed (I'm a big observer) that people love to name drop. People love to make you think their life is good; not to make you feel bad about yours - but to convince them selves that theirs is good.

There are a lot of lonely people in the world. Strange considering how many of us there are.

I moved to the US from Canada over 7 years ago. I have some friends - but not a true friend - the kind of friend that knows your house is a mess 90% of the time. Why is that?

Hugs to you Beverly!! I hear ya!!

(aka charbar - 3FC)

12:51 AM  

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