Sunday, July 10, 2005

Married Single Mother

A woman at 3fc just shared with us the fact that after 21 years of marriage she has finally decided divorce her emotionally absent, workaholic husband. And a term she used to describe herself really hit home with me; she said she was a "married single mother". She described how her husband has never really been a part of the family unit, missing practically all of their boys' major (and minor) milestones, leaving her to be the primary, if not only caregiver. I found myself relating completely with her, nodding my head in agreement as I read her post. That's me, I'm a married, single mother. In my opinion my husband takes no and feels no responsibility for the day to day running of this household and taking care of our daughter, although I'm sure he would completely disagree. He is, of course, very vocal in how she should be raised and what he expects of her (no less than absolute obedience and perfection it seems) but when it comes to actually being responsible for her care and well being, well, that's entirely up to me. She's so desperate for his attention too, it's just heartbreaking. And when he does grace her with some actual one on one time she's like a hungry little puppy, pleading give more, give me more! I am the one who takes care of her wants and needs, I am the one she comes to for EVERYTHING, I am the one she confides in and who comforts her. I also do all of the cooking, cleaning, shopping, bill paying, homework duty, school activities, the list is endless. If it needs doing, I am the one doing it. He pretty much does what he pleases without a thought since he knows I am here to handle anything that comes up. It's interesting what I'm willing to put up with for the sake of convenience, isn't it? But truthfully, it's easier to go on like this than to separate. I wouldn't make enough money on my own in my current job, so in order to retain the freedom and benefits of this cushy work from home job, I am willing to continue living in a one-sided, roommate-like, loveless marriage. How twisted is that? The truth is, life is easier conforming to his will than it would be to cross him and bring about his wrath in what would undoubtedly be a nasty, spiteful divorce. I know for a fact that my life would be pure hell on earth if I ever really tried to separate, he's just that kind of guy. Boy, do I know how to pick em, or what? So here I am, pretty much living the life of a single mom, yet not quite. Not quite enough, to make it pretty darn pathetic. I know that my daughter and I deserve better, and I wonder just what it's gonna take to make me do something about it?

3 Comments:

Anonymous Krista O. a.k.a Brunettechic_2000 @ 3fc said...

Let me just say that if you are in that kind of room-mate, just-putting-up-with-each-other type of marriage, PLEASE make a plan and get out of it! Start going to school again so that you can get a job that will support you and your daughter. You are young NOW. Let me tell you as a child of parents who are in the begining phases of ending their 35 year marriage - it is not worth your time, efort, and happines to stay married to someone just because it is easier. My mom is totally freaked out at the prospect of being alone at 53 years of age, and she says now that she wishes she had had the strength to leave 25 years ago.
We all know that actions speak louder than words - so what are you teaching your daughter about what a marriage should be?
And what about you? Arn't YOU worth more??? Don't you deserve to be with a man who loves and treats you with all of the love and respect that you deserve??
I also have been in a "sort of" marriage with my son's father. It took me less than a year to decide that whatever was behind door number 2 was better than staying where I was.
It was a struggle, and I had family to help me with my son, but I did start over. I have to say that when I told my ex-husband that I wanted a divorce I felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. I had known that I was not entirely happy shortly after we got married, but I wasn't even able to realize how unhappy I was in that relationship until I left.
I feel like I have been rambeling; I just wanted to say that I hope that you don't stay in a loveless, unhappy marriage, and I hope you know there is a better, happier life out there for you.

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beverly, I have to agree with Krista wholeheartedly. You and your husband are modeling a relationship to your daughter, and I know that's not the relationship you want her to have. I, too, had a father who seldom gave me the attention and praise that every kid needs. I ended up giving myself to any guy who would give me some attention. You mentioned that you daydream about making different life choices, choices other than the easy ones. Now you can plan the direction your life will take instead of leaving it to the fates. You have a right to be happy, and your daughter has a right to see you happy. You've made so many positive changes in your life--I hope you'll consider making this change, too.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Val aka mom of 3 on 3fc said...

Beverly, nothing worth having comes easily, including your freedom and happiness. I'm sure it would have been easier to have kept that 190 lbs on right! Start planning and get yourself outta there. I am a divorced mother of 3, and am speaking from experience. Divorce is certainly no picnic and especially when you already know that your husband will do what he can to make it a nasty battle. My divorce has been over for 15 months and although my nutty ex (I refer to him as devil ex at 3fc) still continues to come back and harrass me on a very regular basis I am a hundred thousand times happier and so are my kids. I too have a daughter that was always dying for daddy's attention. Of course she never got it until the divorce when he figured he could use giving her attention to manipulate her. Like Krista said, you do have to think about what you are teaching your daughter about relationships too. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

1:40 PM  

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