Monday, July 31, 2006

Hmmmm, where shall I even begin? It seems that I have so little free time now, but I guess that's only because I've been spoiled to soooooo much free time thus far. It's been an adjustment to say the least. And I feel a bit guilty for not updating more often... I hate to let people down. I know I'm doing this (blogging) for me, but I've gotten quite used to having ya'll out there cheering me on, and I'm afraid that my lack in posting will bore you away. So thank you for sticking with me and I hope you'll continue to do so. Now, let's see here, this week we've had Em's best friend Sheree stay with us for four days and three nights. Her mom was going out of town to "get away" for a while and asked if I could take Sheree while she was gone. Um, okaaaay? I can count the number of times we've actually spoken on one hand, and you want me to just take your kid for damn near a week? Sure, why the hell not?! Humph, now that was an experience! My bright, lovely, talented, only daughter is the epitome of the only child syndrome, and simply has no use for compromise, sharing, and tolerance. I thought they might just kill each other by day three, and if they hadn't, I might have. No really, muzzles would have come in handy. But I was good, and no one ended up bound and duck tapped, though that's not to say that I didn't at least entertain the idea. Hey, only once or twice... I swear! Anyway, I was worried about my ability to maintain an acceptably quiet work environment with two prepubescent girls in the house, but I have to say, they did exceptionally well considering their age and level of self control. I was pleasantly surprised and at least Em had a bit more to keep her occupied than she did the week before. But we were still very happy to finally send Sheree home, and get back to our normal, quiet existence.

Em spent much of the week in a "I love my daddy, he's nice." phase. Hmmmm, no coincidence that he footed the bill for a fun filled day last weekend, planned another for this weekend, and has been buying her stuff, huh? It's so funny to hear her when she's like this too, like she's trying to convince herself rather than just stating her feelings. She so desperately wishes she had a normal, nice daddy, that she thinks if she says it aloud enough, that it might just come true. But the moment she feels even the slightest hint of him being his old self, she goes right back to "he's meeeeeeean!" and automatically clings to me for security and reassurance of her reality. My poor girl, how I wish she didn't have to go through such confusing crap in her young life.

Work is still going well. I did have a concern this week though, as one of their contracts was slow coming through and the project I was scheduled to begin working on (on Friday) was delayed. Which meant that I was left with nothing to do, and subsequently would not be paid for that day. Well now, hold on just a damn minute! No one said that was part of the deal! I was/am under the impression that I should expect steady work, not just some here and there whenever it's available. But being new, I had no way of knowing how typical this lack of work might be, so by golly, I asked them! I certainly didn't want to continue counting on something only to have it fall out from under me. Anyway, I asked, in the most polite and tactful way I could, and their response was that this was not typical, but it does occur from time to time. But due to my excellent work for them thus far, I would be first in line (behind their #1, long time employee) to receive any extra work or be assigned new projects. And true to their word, one of my bosses called Friday morning asking if I could take over work on a different project that day. So okay, I feel a little more secure now, but I've got my eye on it and plan to keep my guard up for at least the first six months until their track record can be proven.

So get this, Bub asked me if I thought our doing stuff all together might be sending the wrong message to Em, like making her think there's some chance of us getting back together. He just now thinks of this, and of course, assumes that I couldn't possibly have thought of it myself already. Um, no dude, she totally gets it, and has no desire for that to happen. But how to convey that to this clueless man without letting on that his daughter would really prefer not to spend any time alone with him? I dodged around the obvious and alluded to the fact that she and I have discussed it and that he need not worry his poor wittle head. Then, somehow, this conversation turned into one of dating and/or marriage on either of our parts in the future. He figures he'll get married again some day, (poor woman) and I can only assume he must be smoking some pretty stout crack. Or else he plans to peruse the high schools, cause there ain't a grown ass woman alive (well, other than me apparently) who would willing try to mold herself into his ideal mate. No, he needs them young and naive, (stupid) like how he suckered me. Fresh meat, y'know? An empty palate to mold and create. Maybe he'll have better luck with the next one and she won't wise up like I did. After all, I've given him ample opportunity to learn from his previous wife rearing mistakes, and he can only get better from here. Anyway, if there is such a woman up to the challenge? Well, she obviously deserves him. Okay, that was harsh. No one really deserves him. Best of luck buddy.

In other news, my night time snacking has spun out of control, literally. This from the person who couldn't imagine ever going back to that secretive, binge filled way of thinking and life? Yup, she's there. And it's soooooo goddamned easy too. Right freakin' there, almost in an instant, and I can't seem to make myself stop. Why? Must I have something, some sort of drama to sustain me and focus my energy on? WTF? I spent all that time changing my body and mindset, then I set out to change my ever fucking life by facing fears that I honestly never thought I could or would. And now that that's over with... what? I couldn't be happy to settle comfortably into my new life? Noooooo, I gotta start letting the fat girl take over again so I can have something to focus on, don't I? What a crock. I need to get a fucking grip and get over myself already. This is not how I intend to go down, not as some pathetic statistic of how likely it is to regain lost weight. I don't get to be one of those girls who can loosen up and let her hair down when it comes to diet and exercise. I need structure and consistency, or I fall flat on my face, apparently into a big heaping bowl of goddamned cereal! And no, it's not the evil Kashi, that was banned long ago. Apparently now, I can't have any kind of cereal near me, unless it's some kind of fruity shit that I'm so grateful Em will tolerate for my sake. What is up with me? I just don't get it. But I do know one thing, it has got to stop, period. I said I was going back to basics a couple of weeks ago, and I did. But then the crap started to creep back in, and well... you know how it goes. So today I refocus and start anew. No more letting myself get away with this shit, cause really, the only one I'm hurting is myself, and it's just plain ridiculous. Never trade what you want at the moment for what you want the most...


Blogger Luflic said...

You are such an inspiration to me for losing all this weight that I have every confidence that you will get it back under control. You have proven what a self disciplined woman you are.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Hang in there Bev. I can totally understand the bad habits thing you are going through. Evening snacking can be my downfall too, and frankly has contributed to my weight re-gain.
Try peppermint gum or brushing your teeth. Both of these tricks seems to work for me sometimes. And sometimes it helps to just go to bed early. Can't eat when you are asleep, or so they say...
Hugs to you and Em

12:21 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

"Never trade what you want at the moment for what you want the most..."

Words to live by, not only when it comes to weight-loss, but just about everything in life. You know, I've used those words for inspiration and motivation for over 3 years now. Thanks, luv. Okay, so I understand how the meaning flies out the window sometimes when it comes to weight control (for me, especially when I'm on vacation) but as long as you don't let the wagon get too far ahead of you after you fall off, I figure you can hop right back on if you set your glorious mind to it!

I can't even comment on the idea of bub dating and re-marrying or I get an uncontrollable fit of the giggles, sorry. ;)

2:45 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Bev, yo uare the same as me. I use my blog to get out my feelings and then neglect it.
It sounds like you handled the houseguest pretty well.

I'm so with Jill on this one and the thought of him dating sends me in a fit of giggles too. They do say there is supposed to be someone out there for everyone. *snicker*

You know you can do this. Throw out the cereal. I know it is wasted money and how much you hate wasting money but you can do it. Put some of your older pics up on your cabinets so when you open them you see where you've come from and hopefully that will help you. Hang in there. I have no doubt you will be able to get this under control.

11:30 AM  

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