I'm in trouble... again. Shoulda known he was being far too agreeable and accommodating about our upcoming vacation plans. I originally told him that we would be gone from Wednesday to Wednesday, but that I was gonna try to get that following Thursday and Friday off as well so we could stay longer. Apparently I didn't specifically say that this would mean staying through the weekend as well, and he took it to mean that we would fly back on Friday. He insists I told him that we would be back Friday, so when I was updating him on our final plans today, well... let's just say he was not a happy camper. He's pissed cause now he won't get to see Em for two weekends, which somehow translates to him not seeing her for three weeks, and there's nothing he can do about it cause the plans are already made and he's just getting fucked again, like usual. Cause he can't trust me to make good decisions on my own and I just went and did what ever I wanted to like I always do and he's the one who always gets screwed because of it.

I shouldn't have let my guard down. I have to remember who I'm dealing with here, and that means details, details, details. I have to be extremely specific and make sure he understands precisely what I mean when we talk. I can't assume he'll make obvious connections (ie, getting Thur and Fri off so that staying through the weekend would be possible). I have to double and triple check with him about plans so that nothing can be confused. I have to remember just how literally he really takes things.

He says I don't understand what it's like to have to go so long without seeing her, and he's right, I don't know because she is with me. And perhaps I'm not considering that fact enough, and that I could be way more sensitive to it. I realize that this trip is a special occasion, and that allowances have and should be made, but he's right. Our staying longer does mean that he'll be missing out on that real quality time that he craves with her. Of course he'll see her when we get back, but she won't be able to spend all day or spend the night with him until the following weekend. (apparently he's still working. Don't ask, I dunno what's going on with that either.) So yeah, he's having to go a really long time without seeing her, and that's a really big deal. Okay, I get that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't more clear. I'm sorry that I didn't go over the specific details with him before the flights were booked and the plans set in stone. I should have, I certainly know better. And now I can't fix it, and he's pissed, and there's nothing I can do to make it better, and it's just one more example of how inconsiderate and uncaring I am, and how he'll always get screwed because of it. And here I am again, right back in that place. Heart racing, super anxious, sick to my stomach, and feeling desperate and hopeless. Yes, I realize that this will pass and there's no need to feel desperate and hopeless, but that's how I feel in the moment, regardless. And all I want to do is make it better, because as long as he's happy with things, then the more willing he is to be agreeable and accommodating, and the less need he feels to be difficult, stubborn and unyielding. The last thing I want is for him to get on the defensive, because as I've said all along, if he ever feels the need to fight, he'll do so till the death. So I make a lot of allowances for things that I'm sure some would find ridiculous, but I do it because I know him the way I do, and it works for us. I don't mind making certain allowances if it means that the stuff that's truly important to me remains unchallenged (ie, custody of Em).

Anyway, there's not really anything I, or anyone can do or say right now. He just needs time to sit with his emotions (anger, frustration, disappointment, etc.) so that he can come to a place of acceptance. In the past, I would have been expected to remain in this place with him, especially if I was the cause of said feelings, for as long as it took for him to think I had gotten some idea of how he was feeling, and had suffered sufficiently enough to make up for it somehow. Now I don't have to do that, now I get to hang up. But now I get to worry about all the unknown possibilities of what he might do to try to regain some of his lost control. That's what's truly frightening!

Oh how I wish he would just slink away and never give me another moment's pause or worry. If only there were truly life without Bub. But no matter what, I will forever be connected to this man in some way, shape or form. Yes, the connection will fade over time, but that requires patience. And I hate being patient.