Thursday, June 15, 2006

I'm in trouble... again. Shoulda known he was being far too agreeable and accommodating about our upcoming vacation plans. I originally told him that we would be gone from Wednesday to Wednesday, but that I was gonna try to get that following Thursday and Friday off as well so we could stay longer. Apparently I didn't specifically say that this would mean staying through the weekend as well, and he took it to mean that we would fly back on Friday. He insists I told him that we would be back Friday, so when I was updating him on our final plans today, well... let's just say he was not a happy camper. He's pissed cause now he won't get to see Em for two weekends, which somehow translates to him not seeing her for three weeks, and there's nothing he can do about it cause the plans are already made and he's just getting fucked again, like usual. Cause he can't trust me to make good decisions on my own and I just went and did what ever I wanted to like I always do and he's the one who always gets screwed because of it.

I shouldn't have let my guard down. I have to remember who I'm dealing with here, and that means details, details, details. I have to be extremely specific and make sure he understands precisely what I mean when we talk. I can't assume he'll make obvious connections (ie, getting Thur and Fri off so that staying through the weekend would be possible). I have to double and triple check with him about plans so that nothing can be confused. I have to remember just how literally he really takes things.

He says I don't understand what it's like to have to go so long without seeing her, and he's right, I don't know because she is with me. And perhaps I'm not considering that fact enough, and that I could be way more sensitive to it. I realize that this trip is a special occasion, and that allowances have and should be made, but he's right. Our staying longer does mean that he'll be missing out on that real quality time that he craves with her. Of course he'll see her when we get back, but she won't be able to spend all day or spend the night with him until the following weekend. (apparently he's still working. Don't ask, I dunno what's going on with that either.) So yeah, he's having to go a really long time without seeing her, and that's a really big deal. Okay, I get that, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't more clear. I'm sorry that I didn't go over the specific details with him before the flights were booked and the plans set in stone. I should have, I certainly know better. And now I can't fix it, and he's pissed, and there's nothing I can do to make it better, and it's just one more example of how inconsiderate and uncaring I am, and how he'll always get screwed because of it. And here I am again, right back in that place. Heart racing, super anxious, sick to my stomach, and feeling desperate and hopeless. Yes, I realize that this will pass and there's no need to feel desperate and hopeless, but that's how I feel in the moment, regardless. And all I want to do is make it better, because as long as he's happy with things, then the more willing he is to be agreeable and accommodating, and the less need he feels to be difficult, stubborn and unyielding. The last thing I want is for him to get on the defensive, because as I've said all along, if he ever feels the need to fight, he'll do so till the death. So I make a lot of allowances for things that I'm sure some would find ridiculous, but I do it because I know him the way I do, and it works for us. I don't mind making certain allowances if it means that the stuff that's truly important to me remains unchallenged (ie, custody of Em).

Anyway, there's not really anything I, or anyone can do or say right now. He just needs time to sit with his emotions (anger, frustration, disappointment, etc.) so that he can come to a place of acceptance. In the past, I would have been expected to remain in this place with him, especially if I was the cause of said feelings, for as long as it took for him to think I had gotten some idea of how he was feeling, and had suffered sufficiently enough to make up for it somehow. Now I don't have to do that, now I get to hang up. But now I get to worry about all the unknown possibilities of what he might do to try to regain some of his lost control. That's what's truly frightening!

Oh how I wish he would just slink away and never give me another moment's pause or worry. If only there were truly life without Bub. But no matter what, I will forever be connected to this man in some way, shape or form. Yes, the connection will fade over time, but that requires patience. And I hate being patient.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know. The next time he starts whining, tell him that it is not the parent who has the right to be with the child, it is the child who has the right to her parents. How about some focus on the CHILD's BEST INTEREST for once? Is his child not worth a super fun vacation, with or without him?

Now, this particular child has spent nearly every weekend of her life (and most weekdays, too!) with this man. Neither he nor she will wither and die if she goes to f*kn Disneyland for a once-in-a-childhood experience. He should be HAPPY for her, damnit!


And don't apologize to him anymore. Tell him you understand his feelings, then shift focus to what a great experience it will be for THE CHILD (I'm sorry about the yelling but...really!) to have a few weeks away on vacation. Can he disregard his own feelings for once and be happy for someone else's sake? Can he be a grown-up about this and think about Em?

7:46 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

That was Lisa, above.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Wow, what a pig. It sounds to me more like jealousy coming through that you are able to pull out Disneyland (translate fun, fun vacation) and he can't. So he sees it as you bribing her. The not getting to see her for 2 weeks is just bullshit and he's pissed he's not the one supplying said trip. So he lashes out in anger at you (person with said trip) when chances are he's just more upset that he's not the one supplying it. Did any of that make sense?

If it's that important that he see Em ASAP after the vacation, why can't she stay the night with him and he bring her home (or take her to work briefly and you pick her up there?)

Deep calming breaths and don't let his old behaviors control you. It is your life and it is 2 days out of 365. There will be others. Besides, you might remind him of his plans for a trip later in the summer.

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Oh screw him!! Sorry, wrong choice of words as I'm sure that idea is vomitous.

"Anonymous" and Dawnyal have said everything I feel, so I'll just add that any father who puts his own selfish needs ahead of prolonging an exciting and wonderful experience for his daughter isn't so much looking for quality time as an excuse to be a big baby!

Let him lay his guilt-trips, then hang up and forget the jerk. He's lucky you don't take Em and move out of State and let him see what limiting visitation is really about (you could, you know).

Fight to the death? Seriously? He'd cave just like any other big-talking blow hard pussy when it comes right down to it.

I know you don't want to deprive Em from quality time with her father and yes she'll miss out on dad time for longer than usual, but you'd think he'd be THRILLED to make a tiny sacrifice in her best interests! Geez, he's acting like he's going to miss her formative years.

Don't you dare take this to heart! Take it for what it really is. This is about loss of control and NOTHING else!!

Sorry, I guess I had a bit more to add than I thought.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well if he's still working I hope you have no plans to help him out with whatever bill he thought couldn't pay...

He's bitching because he's not calling the shots. His time with his daughter was so important last weekend he couldn't get himself out of bed before 1 pm to see her.

Why should you feel guilty because he is an ass? It amazes me how much he casts himself in the role of the victim. Time he focussed on the fact that it's not all about HIM.

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear beverly,
don't be afraid. he's not as powerful as you think. he is still intimidating to you and that may take you a while to overcome. you're doing great girl. he's feeling sorry for himself...he's not included. he'll get over it.
have a fantastic, carefree time in sunny CA!!!


10:30 PM  

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