Saturday, June 17, 2006

Alright, he wrote me a very "Bub-like" email, which I won't be posting because I would then feel obligated to post my defeated and pathetic reply. And I just can't go there, not right now. As you can guess, I automatically reverted right back to our regular old song and dance, promptly checking my pride and dignity at the door. I apologized, (repeatedly) allowed us to be confined in his presence while he spewed his indignation upon me, stroked his ego, and desperately tried to make nice, like usual. To which Emily promptly commented, "same ol' daddy" as soon as we were afforded a blessed moments peace. Ugh, he was ridiculous, yet, even knowing how absurd he really is, it still affects me mentally and physically in much the same way, if not more. Perhaps I've become so accustomed to my new life free of this nonsense, that when it does occur, it's affects are now magnified. I dunno, but in some ways my physical symptoms can be likened to those of PTSD, and I can't help but wonder what remaining in that intolerable situation for so long has really done to my psyche? Or Em's for that matter. Anyway, I think I've smoothed it over, at least I hope so anyway. But he's still not happy, and simply won't be unless I actually change our plane reservations and return home a day earlier. But I'm not going to do that, and he's just gonna have to get over it. He'll file this incident away, of course, along with all the other colossal fuck ups that I've so conveniently been the cause of. And I guess I'll just have to get over that. Which I will, as this is nothing new, and I'm quite accustomed to having all of his past grievances thrown in my face whenever it suites him. After all, this is life in Bubba Land. I don't recommend visiting, the weather sucks and traffic's a bitch, hell, you may never find your way back out.

Anyway, Em's spending the weekend with him, which is why I'm here working on a post at 11:?? at night. She was originally supposed to just spend tonight (Sat.) with him, and all day Sunday for Father's day. But I offered Friday as well, as sort of a peace offering, trying desperately to appease him, and he took me up on it. So this is the first time she's spent two nights in a row with him. Which should make for an interesting evening Sunday as I try to regain our own rhythm after a weekend of either ridiculous overindulgence or intense tension (or both) with daddy. But I'm getting used to this as well. It's almost like she needs de-programming after spending any length time with him, and reminded that now it's time to get back to real life once she gets back home.

So what am I doing with all this free time? Well, this morning I went yard sale'ing, bright and early! I can never get Em up and out in time for the good stuff, so I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity. I made a good haul too! The last place I went had a sale where you pick a box with a price on the side and stuff all you can into it for that price. I picked a $2.00 box and baby, I packed that sucka full! I got several fall/winter tops, which I'm always on the lookout for as I'm still constantly freezing throughout most of the year. I also got a cute pair of khaki capris, a bunch of odds and ends, and a buttload of Goosebumps books for Em (her fav!) And then tonight I finally took care of a little project that I've been neglecting for a while now. Soon after we moved in here, I found a cute Bratz room border on clearance, and picked up enough to decorate Em's room with. Well, ever since I bought them, the borders have been sitting (unopened) in a bag in my room. I know, bad mommy! So tonight I took care of it, and hope to surprise Em when she gets home on Sunday. Here's a few shots:
Excuse the crappy camera, I hope to get a new one... one of these days! Anyway, not too shabby, if I do say so myself! The border is removable (good thing since we rent!) and repositional, so there wasn't a whole lot I could do to screw it up, though how I tried! But it turned out pretty darn good, and I'm happy with the results. Let's just hope Em is too!

Alright, I think that's enough for now, it's waaaaaay past my bedtime!


Blogger Dawnyal said...

The border looks great!!!! Sorry to hear Bub is being bub. I hope you are still going to see your counselor and have her help you through this. ((BIG HUG))

9:41 AM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Oh dear, of course we shouldn't have these expectations that you can just blithely walk away from that kind of environment (after 11 oppressive years) without at least some residual shit hangint around in your head.

But you've come so far and and I know that with time and help from the counsellor you'll be able to loosen that grip he has over your psyche and kick him clear once and for all!

I bet Em was surprised and pleased to come home to a Bratzified bedroom. :)

8:46 AM  
Blogger BethK said...

Back when I was working on setting limits with my (emotionally abusive) mother I would go through the same thing you are now. She'd catch me by surprise or in a moment when I just didn't have the mental and emotional energy to deal with her crap in a rational, self-caring way, and all of a sudden the status quo of my childhood would return. You know, it just happens. Abusive manipulators are masters at getting their needs met, and they know exactly what buttons of yours to push. When you're in the healing stage from the abuse and still working on your skills at enforcing limits on the person, you're really vulnerable. Next time, you'll be better prepared. You can't change him, but you can change how you deal with him. It just takes time.

PTSD is exactly what it is. The good news is that you can heal the trauma and rebuild your life. ' Hang in there. You're doing great!

Em's room does look really cute. I'm sure she loves it.

7:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Look the good thing is, even though you "still took the punishment" you still didn't change your plans.

You can lose a few battles and still win the war!


4:52 AM  

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