Thursday, July 13, 2006

Just stuff

So I'm having some issues lately. I binged last week. No good reason either, as if there ever were one. And this wasn't some piddly cauliflower binge either, this was a full on, candy/sweets/sugar/carbs/fats B-I-N-G-E. The likes of which I haven't partaken in for years. Sure, I've had other moments of weakness along the way, but honestly, nothing like this. It was sickening, and I was sickened by it both physically and mentally. Perhaps I just needed to get one last good one out of my system before I could truly regain the slowly dwindling control I've been losing over the last several months. Or perhaps I just wanted to gorge myself of chocolate, peanut butter, sweet bready carbs, and candy. Who knows, but I did it. And what's worse is that I knew what I was doing every step of the way. I knew it, and I allowed it anyway. The scale is most definitely up, uncomfortably so, and I'm wondering just what the hell I think I'm doing. I know better than this.

I took Em and her best friend Sheree to the park last week. They played and giggled and made believe... until a boy showed up, and then the silly immature playtime was apparently over. No, it was all about impressing this stupid little boy and trying to act older than her years. Like any mom, I wish she weren't in such a hurry to grow up. I happen to know what awaits her... maybe we could trade? ;D But then this little boy's bully of a brother (about 12?) showed up, they fought and wrestled some, just enough to piss the bully off and invoke his embarrassed and righteous retaliation. He walked off, and came back with a massive rock. He yielded it above his head, just daring his brother to provoke him further so that he may have reason to inflict more severe damage. My girl, feeling so cocky and sure of her suddenly more mature self, spouted off to the bully that he'd better stay away from her and her friend. So the bully turned to threaten her with the rock instead. She walked away, he followed... as did I. Mommy mode took over. I hunched over the little prick, wagged my finger at him and told him in no uncertain terms that he would not bully and intimidate other kids at the park, or anywhere else for that matter. And that I didn't care what he does at his own house, but he wasn't gonna do it here, and not to MY KID! I told him to take his butt home to his momma, and let her deal with his bullying ways! I know, definitely not my style, but dammit, who the hell did he think he was? Stupid boys, they're stinky and mean, the whole lot of them! ;D Anyway, he calmed down after that, and kept an eye keenly focused on me for the remainder of our stay. I can only imagine he was quite unsure of just what this pissed off momma might be capable of if he ventured to step even his pinky toe out of line again. Good, serves him right!

Okay, so get this. Bub actually had the audacity to ask me if there were any apartments available in my complex. And then, oh by the way, asked if I would be okay with him living mere steps away. Would I be okay with that?! Are you fucking kidding me? Idiot. I told him (with great difficulty- you know me, always trying to avoid conflict) that no, I would not be comfortable with that. He got pissy of course, probably wishing he'd never bothered to ask my opinion. But he didn't press the issue, thank goodness, and neither did I. He's realized that he needs to downsize as his complete lack of money management skills are beginning to bite him in the ass. But have no fear, he's been able to keep up his $35.00 Blockbuster online movie account so that he can continue to receive his beloved movies in the mail. Never mind the life insurance (only $10 more) that he let lapse, y'know, the one that would benefit his daughter when/if his horrendous lifestyle inevitably catches up with him. Sorry, the cynicism took over briefly, but I'm better now. He's also having a hissy about being out of the loop with regards to Em's counseling. He says her attitude is getting worse (no, she just feels safer expressing herself to him now) and he doesn't see how the counseling is doing her any good. He wants to know what's the point of going if it's not fixing anything (meaning her attitude and behavior issues). Ummmm, because it makes her feel better?? Double idiot. He just couldn't grasp the concept. So he's insisting on meeting with the counselor just so that she would have a clear understanding of what "we" expect from her work with our daughter. Whatever dude. Anyway, I scheduled it with Mellany (Em's counselor) and she's looking forward to finally meeting Bub. She knows what to expect from him and she says she's up to the challenge. Glad somebody is.

I'm looking at a new (secondary) job prospect. Not foregoing my little biz idea, just being realistic about the need for reliable extra income. Nothing's for sure yet, but I'll let ya'll know if anything comes of it. Anyway, it's telephone work (from home) which I seem to be suited for, and pretty darn good at, if I might add! It's funny, I can talk to total strangers all day long with ease, but when it comes to anything personal, I close up tight. I'm getting better though, I'm finally able to really talk to my mom (about real stuff, not just about fluff) and I've taken to doing so quite often lately. I'm so grateful for her, I don't know what I'd do without her.

Anyway, I'm at a weird place in my head right now, which I'm sure is quite apparent. But it'll pass, always does. BTW, I'm gonna be taking down my old blog, y'know, the one that is linking here? So, if you haven't already saved this new address, please do so as the other will be deleted sometime this week.



Anonymous Paulina said...

Just a quickie about Bub's life insurance. My ex had to provide proof of life insurance to secure alimony and child support should anything happen to him....Maybe once your divorce is final Bub will have to reinstate his insurance as well.

The nerve of him asking to move into your apt. complex! I blurted out a big 'HA! he's got to be joking!" Unbelievable that man!

Can't wait to read about the counseling session!


8:16 PM  
Blogger Joc said...

So glad you said no to bub about moving into your apartment block. So Glad. Would be interesting to be a fly on the wall when he meets Melany too. Hope she sits him back on his a*s

3:24 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

You've had a lot going on right now. I'll try and start at the top. :)

As for the binge, maybe you did need it since you said you'd been slipping and this is just the thing you need to get you back to your healthy foods. I'm sure never been obese before people have binges and go back to their normal ways all the time. They just don't have all the emotional baggage tied to said binge.

Boy bub sure has some balls asking about moving close to you. I'm sure his next question will be can I just move in with you. I can't wait to read your post after he visits with the counselor. Teehee.

good for you for standing up to that playground bully. It sounds like you handled it well by letting the kids try to resolve it first. Good for em for standing up too.

Good luck with the job endeavor. I have no doubt than when you are ready to start your own business, you will have a detailed plan of attack and a backup plan just in case to get your business up and running.

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Paulina said...

It's me again. I wanted to turn you onto a great website. It started out as a blog as well and has morphed into something great.
I think you'll like it...

7:40 PM  

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