Sunday, August 06, 2006

Aw hell, I did it again. Well, it's not like I didn't plan it, I knew full well what I was doing and still chose to anyway. Yup, I totally blew it yesterday, (Saturday) I ate a whole lotta useless crapola, and by golly, I enjoyed it! This time was different though, not like the mindless, bingeful eating of recent weeks. This time I felt in the mood to overindulge, and that's precisely what I did. I made a conscious choice to have not only a free meal, but a free day. And sure, I felt like crap afterwards, suffering from more than a little eater's remorse and an upset tummy, but it was still a conscious choice that I carefully considered and decided to make. That alone makes me feel a little better, and more in control. And I also know that now is right back to business, and life will go on. Because that's what we do. We're presented with options, we make our choices, (good or bad) and we go on. What else can we do?

School starts in two weeks. I'm ready, Em's not. Yet I don't have such a desperate need for her to get back to school as I did last year when the last few weeks and days before school were taught with tension as we grated on each other's nerves endlessly. We're calmer now, we get along much better now that neither of us feel so stressed and crazy all the time. It's been a good summer, and it's gone by quickly, but it will be nice to get back into the regular school year routine. I'll miss her though, it'll be soooooo quiet here without her. But at least I won't have to worry about working so much anymore, because my secondary job work day will be through by the time she gets out of school each day, and I'll be able to give her more of my undivided attention.

Well, Em has decided that she can't handle being friends with Sheree anymore. Sheree is a sweet and little girl, although quite immature for her age (10). And Em has discovered that it's just too much work to be best friends with her, or with anyone for that matter, IMO. Though I love her more than words can describe, Em is a very difficult person to be friends with. She is very particular and rigid in her beliefs about life and how her's as well as other's should go. And when things (and people) don't fit easily into her ideal, well, she doesn't handle it well. (Now there's an understatement!) I feel badly for her, and wish I could change the direction she's headed. Which, I believe, may end up being somewhat lonely and socially awkward. But I've realized that I can't/don't want to change her, or anyone else for that matter, and that if she chooses to alienate others through her demanding and controlling behavior, then she'll have to suffer the consequences of those decisions. But, to be quite honest, I don't think a lack of real friendships will affect her that adversely. Although she likes playing with other kids, she really prefers her solitude when it comes to kids her age. No one else to have to compromise, share, or compete with. Of course, with any other setting like a group of adults or playtime with younger kids that can be easily controlled, she fully expects to be the center of attention, and typically is. Honestly, compassion and empathy have simply never come naturally to her. It would not occur to her to help another before helping herself, unless, of course, there were something to gain from it like praise or recognition. And that's not to say that she has no compassion or empathy, because she certainly does. I'm just saying that she has to consciously work at showing it, and tires quite easily of trying. She actually does understand that she is a difficult person to be around sometimes, as she recognizes these traits in herself, and that this contributes greatly to the other kid's negative views of her, and why they give up trying to be friends with her so easily. It hurts her and makes her feel badly because she certainly doesn't like being this way, and wishes that social interaction came more easily to her. But as I've said, this is her natural personality and sometimes its just too much for her to deal with. It's simply easier for her to not try. Which is something that I can totally relate to, of course. But I still wish it were different just the same. She's such a wonderful child. Bright, imaginative, articulate, talented, sweet, loving and naturally gifted with sooooo much to offer the world. And I'm hopeful that a lot of this falls into the realm of typical self-centered adolescence, from which she'll have to chance to outgrow, but I just dunno. She is who she is, and I don't see how time and wisdom will much change that, or that it even should. Others can either chose to deal with her, or not. And all she can do is try to make the best of it.

These less than ideal personality traits (which just so happened to be the subject of our latest lovely Bub lecture) are precisely what he has been demanding she must fix since they first began to present themselves in toddlerhood, as he refuses to raise his child like "that". And I do agree that her life may be infinitely more difficult if she continues on the way she is. So because of that, I will continue to try to guide her and show a variant of perspectives. But ultimately, the choice is hers whether or not she tries to change for the better or worse, or to merely be who she inherently is without qualms or reservations. And I will continue to set forth my expectations and standards for what I believe to be important in life, my hope being that she will continue to strive to meet them, but only so long as it doesn't come at the expense of losing who she truly is in the process. So although I never envisioned my own daughter to have such a drastically different personality from me, I also never intended to raise a mindless drone without an enriching life of her own, which is what Bub seems to have his mind set on doing, although he would never put it in quite those words. I simply want her to be who she is, whomever that may be. Just so long as I still get to worry and try to save her from her mistakes along the way, cause that's precisely what I'm gonna do, as that is simply what comes naturally to me. ;D

1 Comments:

Blogger Dawnyal said...

How could you ever doubt yourself as a mother. Truly a very insightful post and it sounds like you are handling it well. The only other advice I might add is to ask her counselor if she has some tips or something about small things she could do to try and maintain friendships—if that's what Em wants.

Chris doesn't have many either but he has more of that doormat, pick on me personality and let's everyone bully him around. He also has the I'm the center of attention thing going that alienates kids quickly to where they don't want to be near him and his counselor is working on all this so hopefully he start to actually have friends and not bullies.

12:53 PM  

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