Monday, July 11, 2005

What would I do?

I often wonder what life would be like if I weren't so consumed with food issues. So much of my life has been spent thinking about food. And now that I'm in the process of maintaining my weightloss, so much of my time is spent on planning, preparation, and simply trying to remain on track. What would I do if so much of my life wasn't wrapped up in food and all that goes with it? Knowing me I'm sure I would have some other issue to consume me, but I wonder how it must feel to just not have food issues? I really can't imagine what it must be like. This is all I've ever known. How do "normal" people relate to food? I wonder just how little thought they actually give it during the course of a day? That seems so foreign to me, everything I do seems to be related to food in one way or another. When, where, how, how much, why, is it on plan, is it not, if not what needs to be done to compensate, more strict next meal, next day, more exercise, how much, when, why, blah blah blah! It's always there, a never ending cycle that revolves around food and my issues with it. I wish I could just flip a switch and turn off the incessant thoughts, but then I wonder if I would still be the same person? How would I have turned out if I never had this dysfunctional relationship with food? So much of who I am is based on my addiction. I couldn't possibly be the same person I am today had I not spent my entire life morbidly obese. I wonder what opportunities I've wasted by allowing myself to hide beneath the fat for so long? I wonder what different paths I would have taken if not for my weight hindering my decisions? Would I still have settled for things I shouldn't have, or would I have been more confident and believed in myself more? I guess I'll never know, because this is the life I chose to lead, and all the "what if's" in the world will never change that. But at least now I know that I can make different choices, and beating myself up for my past will get me nowhere. So now I will look only to the future because what's done is done, and it's time I get busy making up for some lost time.


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