Ahhh, just in the nick of time!!

Okay, I know I promised myself that my next post would be lie somewhere in the realm of normal to mundane, whatever that may be, but this was just too much to pass up. So pierced ears, first bras and schoolyard crushes, along with all the other incidental details of our "new normal" life will have to wait for just a bit longer.

Well, the inevitable has finally happened, Bub quit his job. I figured it was coming since he's been hinting at problems at work (as usual) for a while now, but since I am no longer subjected to the endless rants filled with ominous urgency to "figure something else out" so he can finally get out of there, it was definitely news to me. He called to let me know, asking first if I had a moment to talk without Em around. Right then and there my anxiety kicked into high gear, my heart started racing and I knew I was in for something. I wonder if the day will ever come that I don't have this kind of sickening automatic reaction to his requests for any sort of a serious talk? God, I hate that feeling, it just takes me right back to such a horrid place that I'd just as soon forget all about. Anyway, I said sure, I have a minute. And he laid it on me. But the actual purpose of the call was to tell me that he was no longer gonna be able to pay the one mutual monthly bill that I left with him when I moved out, and he needed to know what we were gonna do about it. This bill (a loan payment) is both of our responsibility, but since my budget wouldn't allow for it considering everything else I took on, I left it for him to handle. But now that he can't afford it either, well, like I said, he needs to know what we're gonna do about it. See, he has to know something, even if there are no real answers, he has to have a plan because he can't just leave things up to chance. I told him that we would take care of it one way or another, and when it's time for the bill to be due, to let me know what he can do and we'll get it paid since I have a little money set aside right now and it wouldn't be too much of a hardship. But I did tell him that it's not something that I'll be able to continue to do, but for right now I can help if he needs it. But he wasn't satisfied because the problem wasn't fixed. He cannot stand to just let something go when there's no solution at hand. He thought I was hedging and not being willing to take responsibility or make a commitment to getting it paid. How exactly does he expect me to commit to paying it when I simply can't afford it either? So I reiterated that I understand my joint responsibility in this and that we would find a way to take care of it no matter what, but that I couldn't tell him how right now, and that was just gonna have to be good enough. Anyway, he was being pissy and all of the old thoughts and feelings ran scrambling through my head and body like always. But I held strong and didn't let him engage me in his problems, even when he so casually said he'll let me know if he ends up having to move or something if he can't afford to live there anymore. But then, guess what? I got to hang up the phone and all those bad old feelings soon subsided! OMG! And now I can't seem to wipe the grin off my face! After I hung up with him, all I could think, feel, and say was; NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM! Over and over again I said it, shouted it, cheered it, hell, I even saaaaaang it and danced to it! Not anymore, not my fucking problem. No longer do I have to worry where the money is coming from or how long until it all dries up. No longer do I have to scramble in instability each time the next new business or idea fails. No longer do I have to agree to his ridiculous plans or go along with the next big thing that will finally start reeling in the dough. No more tensely awaiting the next shoe to drop, just wishing and hoping that he'll keep the first stable form of income we've had in years for just a little bit longer. Because now, my stability is up to me, and me alone. It is whatever I make of it, and his stupid shit is no longer my problem! And then it suddenly hit me what things must have been like around his house over the last few weeks leading up to his quitting his job. I feel unbelievably sorry for his friends that moved in with him after I moved out, as they must surely have been subjected to mind numbing ramblings which have always been intended solely for me. And it also hit me that tonight will NOT be filled with endless conversation about what to do now and trying to come up with an acceptable solution before finally letting it go for the time being. Tonight, I get to work on my blog, curl up with a book, cuddle with my girl, eat what ever the hell I feel like for dinner, watch whatever I want on TV, and squeeze in an extra workout on my Gazelle. Tonight will be calm and peaceful and mercifully, beautifully quiet... :)