Monday, May 01, 2006

Fuzzy headed rambling

I'm at a loss. I don't feel like doing or writing anything. It's like I've been building up to something for so long, that now that it's past I just want to forget about everything for a while. I'm drained, my mind is fuzzy and numb, and I just want to "be". There's still so much that I honestly need to do, finish unpacking, organize, purchase a few more things, decorate, etc., but I don't wanna. I need to get back to work on containing my newly re-discovered affinity for mindless snacking. No, not that damn Kashi, it's been banned for a while now, but it seems like just about everything else has become fair game. Okay, it's not really that bad, but you get the picture. I am getting back into a routine at least. I finally did some much neglected abdominal work and actually felt sore for the first time in ages, so that was nice. All in all, things are... oh hell, I don't know what they are, I'm still just trying to figure this shit out. I spent 20 freakin' minutes at WalMart on Sunday, contemplating which kind of bloody silverware to buy, and another 20 on new sneakers, which I ended up leaving without. Ugh! Why is it so hard for me to make the simplest choices, it's infuriating! Sorry, my stress level has been high this week, between PMSing and difficult adjustments with Em, I'm just blah, and my mind is all over the place. God, I hope this is coherent!

So, Em spent the day with Bub on Sunday. She said she was ready and he's been in full on fun daddy mode, so I figured she'd better try to enjoy it while it lasts. I didn't know what to do with myself so I went to WalMart and wasted my time not making decisions. I started seriously missing her around 5:30-6:00. Got all teary-eyed and pathetic, did I mention I was PMSing? And then Bub called about 6:30 saying she had one of her headaches and was asking to come home. I hate that she felt bad, but honestly, I was relieved and so happy to have her back home. What the hell am I gonna do on her first overnight? Or her first holiday away from me? Okay, that's enough of that, I can't even go there right now.

Em had her first counseling appointment on Friday. She started to put up a fuss, just nerves I think, but she went, reluctantly. Mellany (the therapist) was fabulous and put her right at ease. I was in the room for this initial visit, a lot of base questions and such. But by the end Em was completely comfortable and declared that she would go the next one alone. That's my girl! Mellany is a family counselor and said that she could definitely facilitate our telling Bub just what our issues were/are with him. Knowing him, having a third party present would be the only way to go.

I've realized how still and quiet things are now. Peaceful and tension free. No endless, mind-numbing conversations about topics which hold absolutely no interest for me, yet knowing better than to give anything less than my full attention to. No bitching and moaning about all the wrongs that could be righted if only people would do as he does and think as he thinks. No uneasy wondering and worrying about triggering an unpredictable mood or lecture. In fact, I've just realized that I hadn't been nauseous once last week or on high alert with adrenaline driven anxiety. Yes, I've been anxious and stressed, overwhelmed and frustrated, but I've handled it. I've felt it in the moment, moved through it, and found my way back to peace again on the other side. Is it possible that peace could be my new norm? My base to come back to if I should happen to stray from it momentarily? How is that possible? Is that how normal people usually live? Or is it just wishful thinking brought on by the immediate consequences of such a drastic action?

Hmmm, for someone who didn't feel like writing anything, I sure managed to spout quite a bit, huh? There's more I want to talk about of course, like my weekend activities with Em and some difficult parenting issues I'm dealing with, but for now I think I'll hold off until I'm in a different frame of mind. Plus, it's not like I can't come back and work on a new post whenever the fancy strikes me now, huh? Ahhhh, freedom, gotta love it! BTW, it's not as though I wasn't allowed to work on the puter before, I just wasn't comfortable working on my blog whenever Bub was around. But now that Bub's not around.... hehe! Like I said, gotta love it! ;D


Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

I am so glad you are at peace. Freedom is a wonderful thing isn't it?
Sounds like the counselor is right on the money. Fabulous!
If you need to talk, keep my email in mind.
hugs to yu and Em

12:05 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

I'm so glad that Em is comfortable with the counselor and that a non-scary bub visit has already taken place ~ things are starting to fall into place. Of course you need to give yourself adjustment time after this totally life-changing move, but I'm happy that you're enjoying the peace and freedom. I agree that sometimes its easier to make the big decisions than all the small every day ones, but being a creature of routine, I also know that once you've settled into new ones everything won't seem so overwhelming. Be patient, you haven't even had time to fully unpack yet. :) If you don't feel like doing much right now, then fine. Its YOUR choice and anyway, after all the action of late, a little rest can't hurt, now can it?

2:34 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Jilly's right...eventually you will settle into a new "normal", and no decision will be too much for you--not even silverware! LOL

As for the separation thing, that too will become easier with time.

3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know what the most wonderful thing about having your own place is? If you don't feel like unpacking today... or decorating... or buying things for your place... then don't. There is no rush to get it done and no one is going to bitch at you for not doing it. It takes a little while to get used to, but it's a great feeling.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Xena said...

I really struggled when I first separated from my ex with not having the kids around (during his visitation times), so be kind, gentle, and patient with yourself. I definitely had many teary times but eventually came to enjoy my "me" time!

9:59 AM  
Anonymous paulina said...

It's ok to be fuzzy headed. You didn't come by it all on your own. It's been 4 years for me now to be rid of my ex and I still find myself slipping into the self doubt, self preservation mode at times and for no reason other than it was so ingrained into me. Take your time unpacking and settling in. There's not going to be anyone coming at you to hurry up, do it this way, why did you unpack that box first and not the other one... etc. You get my point. It's was like a shock to my operating system to be on my own, and like I said, it is expected to spark at you every once and a while.
You're doing great, glad to hear that Em has someone outside of the family to talk to.
Take care of yourself and as much as we all love hearding from you, don't make this blog a nudge that demands your time if you have other things you feel like doing. It's supposed to be YOUR time now!

10:42 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

I just always feel the need to do that. You're going through a period of adjustment. Don't force yourself to do anything. Give yourself time. These things don't happen overnight. And you are doing phenomenally.

2:33 PM  

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