Oooooh, so much to say, so little time!

Wow, some little things have really begun to hit me about my newfound freedom over the past few days. The fact that I'm sitting here right now with all of my windows open and shades up, is just unbelievably wonderful and rewarding to me. Bub never wanted the windows open, and preferred the shades and curtains drawn at all times. He expected very regulated temperature, which open windows could not guarantee, and he despised bugs, particularly spiders, and couldn't stand for a breach to the outside world (like the windows being open) to be made available if it wasn't completely necessary. I stopped trying to open the windows about 5 years ago, but I did go back to opening the curtains in the last two years or so, much to his disdain. Toward the end though, he expected the shades to be drawn and the air turned down cooler by the time I picked him up from work because I "always kept it so damn hot in there" and he shouldn't be expected to live like that just because I wanted to open the curtains during the day and heat the whole damn house up. What ever! Anyway, I'm sitting here by the open window, enjoying the fresh Spring air, and I gotta tell ya, I'm lovin it!! Gawd, you should see me, I've had this big ol' cheesy grin plastered on my face practically all weekend!

The cheesy grin is due to other things as well though. I feel like I'm starting to get a handle on the Em situation, y'know, with the rages and disrespect and all? Number one, I laid out my expectations for her. No hurting people (namely me) or destroying property, and any disrespectful behavior simply will not be tolerated. When she feels out of control and is wanting to do something physical to release her emotions, she is allowed to squeeze the hell out of a big wad of bubble wrap that I got her, or beat the tar out of a pillow or couch cushion, etc. I figure, and Mellany agrees, that as long as she's not hurting anyone or anything, then taking her aggressions out in a safe way is completely acceptable. And hopefully, her apparent need to do so will soon subside. She also knows that there will be consistent punishments for disrespectful behavior now. Even if she goes into one of her rages about accepting a punishment, she still has to complete it once she's finally calmed down. Used to, the original problem would get lost in the rage, and never dealt with sufficiently. Now she knows to expect it, and that little bit of structure has already done a world of good. So, while it's still a work in progress, I am at least optimistic and a little more confidant in my ability to do this thing.

So Em got a double dose of fun this weekend, and I think she's really starting to warm up to the idea of being a kid of divorced parents. Our town had an annual festival called Toad Suck Daze this weekend, and she got to go with Bub on Saturday and with me on Sunday, for twice the fun, rides, and games! What a lucky, lucky girl! You know what's funny? I told her that she could pick one of the unique carnie-type foods to indulge in for a special treat, y'know like deep fried snickers or oreos, ewwwww! But guess what she ultimately chose instead? One of those big corn on the cobs with the husk still attached. Instead of a deep fried twinkie or chocolate covered frozen banana? Who'da thunk it? She did have some Dippin' Dots too, but she'd had those before, so it was nothing new. Of course, that doesn't mean she didn't choose powdered sugar covered funnel cake, nachos, and lemonade when she went with daddy the day before, but hey, you can't win 'em all! Anyway, we had a great day, spent way too much money, (yikes!) but since it only comes once a year, I can't see the harm in a little overindulgence and going slightly over budget.

Speaking of budget, there is a little issue that I suppose needs addressing. Bub is wanting us to have a little sitdown about the state of our joint and otherwise financial affairs. Nooooooooo! Precisely the type of conversation that I have so much difficulty in with him. He wants to lay out everything that he thinks we should both be responsible for so that we can come to an agreement in terms of our separation and impending divorce. Basically, he wants to make sure I know and agree to the financial obligations that we're both responsible for, and get it in writing so there's no question. Of course this is a very practical and logical idea, and something that definitely needs doing, however, I know that I don't have enough of a backbone yet to stand up for myself and not just agree to stuff for the sake of keeping the peace. I'm sure I could very easily say that all the debt that's in his name is his responsibility, and the same for me as well. But he would never go for that because most of the big debt in his name was incurred due to marital decisions that he has no reason to believe that he didn't have my full support on. As you'll recall, every major decision he made, he did so only after ensuring my full and complete support, which I, of course, always gave whether I truly agreed with it or not. Talk about making your bed and lying in it! Now we're neck deep in debt that I always conveniently agreed to incurring, NICE! So even though I don't personally think that I should be held responsible for any of his hair-brained notions (like thousands in student loans for a degree that he was never disciplined enough to finish), numerous failed business attempts, and other loans and various debts, I know that I am partially responsible for them regardless, and it freakin' sucks ass! Man! If only I had been able to say no, this is ridiculous and unnecessary, and I'm not agreeing to it! If only I had left when I first knew I should, years ago, then I wouldn't have gotten myself into this particular situation to begin with. But I am, and I'm gonna have to face it, take ownership of it, and figure out a way to compromise with him on it, ug. Which, believe me, is no easy task, and one of our very biggest communication concerns. Because I guarantee that he's already got an idea in his head of how this should go down, and every intention of making sure it happens that way. So, my question is, how much should I just bite the bullet and take responsibility for things I technically agreed to? Because if I don't, things will undoubtedly get very nasty, very quickly. And I just can't justify going there over some freakin' money and bills. I was more than up for the fight when it came to Em's best interests, but for money issues? There's just no way, it's not worth it. But I also don't want to just bend over and take it either, and quite frankly, I'm still unclear as to where that line is right now. Compromise, what a pleasant and noble idea, huh?

Okay, now for something a little more interesting, and then I'll be through with this long ass post, I promise!! My copy of 3 Fat Chicks On A Diet: Because We're All In It Together that I ordered from Amazon arrived today (along with a copy of PostSecret: Extraordinary Confessions from Ordinary Lives, oooooh juicy!! Which, BTW, was the one and only thing I actually asked Bub to get me for Christmas, but since he didn't seem to deem it gift worthy, I never got it. So by golly, I splurged and got it for myself dammit!). Anyway, I must admit, Im more than a little excited to be quoted in it, (in 3fc that is, not PostSecret, darnit, maybe next time though!) and I was even quoted more than once in it too! My goodness, what an absolute honor and privilege, and quite honestly, I'm so proud to be even a small part of such a monumentally powerful thing as 3fc. It was also so much fun to see the quotes from all the others that I've come to know and love from this hugely extended family. You know, like seeing your cousin's name in the paper for winning the county spelling bee, you just want to buy up all the copies and hand 'em out for everyone you see. How freakin' cool is that? And Jilly, I'm pretty sure I saw one from you in the Weight Watchers section, didn't I? Or is there some other impishly witty and insightful Jill from Canada that I am, thus far oblivious of? Nah, couldn't be, you're one of a kind babe! Anyway, I'm totally cheesing, and can't wait to settle down for some highly anticipated reading this evening, YAY!!