Sunday, May 28, 2006

Saturday, May 27th. was my 11th. wedding anniversary. Best damn anniversary I've had in I don't know how long! Last year, on our 10th., neither one of us even acknowledged it. Me; because I didn't want to, him; I'm figuring it was because he forgot, which was perfectly fine by me. Y'know, I used to have expectations of special days, but I gave that up long ago. Then I just got to where I hoped they would pass without incident; sometimes they did, more often than not, they didn't. That's life, it's over now, thank god.

So Em and I spent the whole day just out doing fun stuff on Saturday. We've been tense with each other; she and I, but we still managed to have a blast regardless. I think I'm hormonal and she's most likely just sick of dear ol' mom. Some days I feel like I'm getting a handle on the effective parenting stuff, other days, not so much. It's normal, I suppose, but boy did she ever get to me today. Daddy bought her all new Bratz bedding for her room at his house, and a new Bratz doll to boot. And so her resentment towards our new, more frugal lifestyle started oozing out of every pore. Here are just some of the highlights; Daddy has more money than you do, (this was at the arcade when I put a limit on the tokens) daddy's stuff is better than yours, my stuff at daddy's house is better than here, you would never get me all the neat stuff daddy got me, daddy's food (grilled cheese) and drinks are better than yours. This last one is because he lets her eat like shit over there while I'm still desperately trying to thwart off her natural predisposition towards obesity, which I've been successful in thus far, but am now beginning to have my doubts about being able to maintain. Anyway, she was just pissed because it's all fun and good at daddy's now, and here she must contend with the realities of day to day living with rules and restrictions and responsibilities, blah! Y'know, I really don't blame her for being so resentful, but damn if it didn't just cut right to the core. So after I got back from dropping her off at Bub's for a visit today, I just sat my sorry ass down and bawled my eyes out like a baby. Then I called my mom to bitch and moan and cry some more. And she listened and soothed and did all the appropriate mom stuff. I am so unbelievably grateful to have her, even if she's not close by, she's always just a phone call away. What on earth was I thinking going so long in isolation like I did? Never reaching out to her or anyone about the nightmare I've been living? It all seems so stupid now, but what's done is done and I need only move forward from here. Learning to ask for help, and knowing it's okay to do so; that's a big one for me, but I'm getting there. Anyway, back to the stuff with Em. It's natural to want to compete, I'm sure, but I know I can't go there, even if I could afford it. And I know I'm just being an irrational, co-dependent, insecure nutjob, but dammit, I just don't want to lose her! Not that I really would, as we are all clear on the fact that she is to remain living with me, but I guess my problem is that I want her to want to be with me, y'know? That's what I really mean by "losing her". Anyway, she was supposed to stay the night with Bub tonight (Sunday) since tomorrow is Memorial day, but she developed a headache and was asking for me, so of course, I ran over there lickity split to baby my baby. Is it sick that her asking for me made me feel so much better? Man, talk about co-dependent! So I brought her home, she threw up, (which is typical of her migraines) and now she's asleep on the couch. And somehow, all is right with the world again. I hate it when she's not here, I really really do.

Wow, I honestly have so much else to talk about that I don't even know where to start, and quite frankly, I just don't feel like it right now. So, I'm gonna go lick my wounds and try to quit feeling sorry for myself, and hopefully I'll be in a better frame of mind soon. Wish me luck, will ya? ;D


Anonymous Jilly said...

Yes, that's the way of it for the custodial parent, not always the "fun" dad or mum, yet still the one who's always wanted when comfort and care is needed!

My little girl didn't particularly want to live together as a family again, but I did have to hear for a couple of years her wishes to live in the nice house with the big backyard. (My heart would break when she cried "Why can't we go HOME!?") Oh, and I'll never forget the plaintive moan of "Are we always going to be so poor?" Geez, kids. All my talk of starving children in Africa meant nothing when she had a couple of My Little Pony dolls and her little friends had fully filled My Little Pony stables, entire tribes of Smirfs and staggering collections of Barbie dolls. Mind you, she didn't suffer in the least, but our lifestyle was certainly restricted for a couple of years compared to that previously enjoyed. Vacations were no longer spent at Disneyworld and she now had to make do with a day at Paramount Canada's Wonderland (poor deprived child), but I managed to convince myself (often through tears) that I was doing the best for both of us. She eventually came to appreciate all we'd gone through together (but not totally until after the teenage years ~ which I won't discuss right now in case I scare you) ;)

By the way, I'm wondering how bub can afford to continue spoiling Em seeing as he quit his job and can't possibly afford to make payments on a family loan. smirk.

12:42 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Yeah. I was wondering where all the money was coming from, too. Didn't he have a loan or something he couldn't pay?
This from the woman whose ex bought himself a bass cannon but couldn't buy the kids any Christmas presents. Grrrrrrrrr
My baggage.

Yes. Being the custodial parent is HARD!!! But it's so worth it. And she'll grow up to see that.

8:19 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Jilly has listed it so well. I will say that it does get better. Shoot Chris has resigned himself to calling egg donor Jennifer (not even Jenni as she prefers) now because she's not worthy of being called mom--his words.

Add me to the list of those wondering how he's paying for all this. If he doesn't get a job soon, I'm sure all these new and fun things will sure disappear soon as he is forced to sell them.

9:35 AM  

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