Monday, August 14, 2006

Ug, had a crappy weekend, namely Sunday, which just so happened to be the day spent with guess who, go figure. And quite honestly, I just don’t feel like talking about it, so I won’t. As if I could make any sense of it anyway. But y’know what really gets my goat? Why is it that I always feel like eating myself into oblivion and chucking all notions of exercise out the window after days like this? Probably the same reason Em regresses so drastically like she does. We turn to what we know, what’s comfortable and familiar. We do what we think will make us feel less crazy and confused, yet even more out of control. It sucks, and I’m tired of it. I know Em can’t help how she chooses to cope, she’s young and I don’t expect her to be able to shuck this stuff off like it’s no big deal. But I, on the other hand, do have the ability to not allow my actions to be determined by another’s. I can choose differently, and lots of times I do, but when I don’t, or don’t feel as though I can, well that’s when it really gets to me. I want to be able to just tell myself to stop it! Bub’s always gonna be who he is, so why should I stake my choices and health and mental well being on something that I simply cannot change? I’ve got to be able to overlook his idiocy and crazy making and be comfortable enough to live my life according to my rules, my feelings, and my choices, in spite of his influence. It’ll take time, I know, for him to stop affecting me this way (or for me to stop letting him affect me this way), and time I’ve got. But dammit, I want complete control of myself back NOW! I hate this…

Okay, so I’m venting. And truth be told, this is soooooo much better than the way things were, but I still feel like bitching about it just the same.

School starts one week from today, yikes! This is my baby’s last year in this (elementary) school. I simply cannot imagine her going to a whole new school next year. And in a few weeks is her ninth birthday, gulp! I seriously need to start getting organized on that one. She wants to have her party at the roller rink again this year, so be on the lookout for more pics of Bub busting his ass. Yes, I know how y’all enjoy them so! I think I might even get out there this year. I’ve been timidly trying to figure this skating thing out the last few times we’ve gone, but still to no avail. Oh well, all I can do is keep trying. Plus, if people were meant to roll, we’d have been given wheels instead of feet. So by golly, I’m doing the best I can! ;D Anyway, there’s work to put off, oops, I mean to be done, so I’m gonna go try to occupy my mind with something other than the Lucky Charms that Em insisted on having as her cereal of choice this week. Guess she got sick of the fruity shit too, bummer!


Blogger Dawnyal said...

So sorry to hear your weekend was like that. You might ask Em's counselor for some advice on how to handle his visitation. There is no reason for you to even have to be put in that situation where he can manipulate you. I know Em told you she doesn't want to see him without you. It may be time to start looking to a more permanent (i.e. legal) solution if his visits are leaving the both you feeling like this.

3:56 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

I'm with Dawnyal. Visitation rights are supposed to be for the benefit of the child, not cause discomfort to her. If he can't control his damaging ways, perhaps its time to restrict access. I know, I know, easier said than done, but you have an ace card this time. In the past he never expected you to ever make a stand against him, now he knows you exactly how far you'll go (i.e. out of the damn house)if pushed to the limits!

As for your reactions...well, my sweet, you can't expect 11 years of submission to disappear in a few months. I think you've made great strides already and it can only get better (and easier). Not saying it goes away forever, because sometimes I allow myself to think about that foolish ...nay STUPID girl who married a certain jerk (30 years ago next week!!) I don't think about him often after all this time, but when I do then its better not to have ice cream in the house!

12:33 AM  
Blogger Joc said...

You have come so far in just a short time, its to be expected that he will still get to you sometimes. Having said that dont let him win, you are stronger than that and you have proved that by taking control and moving yourself and Em out. Dont give into food just because of him, he is not worth it. You, on the other hand are :-)

Stay strong B, in time it will get easier.

1:43 AM  

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