Monday, November 05, 2007

Wow, quite a day I had yesterday. I actually conveyed to Bub the depths of my hatred for him at the time of the great escape and just what it took for me to have done such a thing to anyone, let alone my husband. How exactly did this come about you ask? Another one of those damn wall breaking conversations of course. I want so desperately to believe that he’s really not “getting it” as he says he is. Perhaps because I have so much vested in the stance that he’ll never change. Yet the trusting, naïve side of me screams to believe because that’s simply how I’m made, much to my chagrin. How else could he have lured me back in those times that I had been so determined to leave? He’s not luring me now though; don’t misunderstand, he just doesn’t want to mess things up with new chick, thus the extremely candid and emotionally charged conversations of late. Jesus, didn’t I say that this wasn’t going to be a Bub blog anymore? Oh well, as Rosie says, my blog, my rules. Honestly, I don’t want it to be a Bub blog anymore, but damn if that isn’t all I can seem to talk about lately. So much happening so quickly, it’s a lot to deal with y’know? I used to not cry at all in front of him, I lost that ability at some point long ago.. probably after he told me for the last time how I only used my tears to manipulate him and that he was sick of it hearing it. Now… now it seems to come pouring out of me… I hate that. I yelled at him though, REALLY yelled, and my god it felt good. I don’t quite remember what all I said, as it’s all such a blur to me now, but I do know that I yelled… I yelled. Through my sobs and that awful ugly cry that I've come to know so well, I yelled. I felt validated and empowered… I felt defeated, and I felt oh so tired. He cried, and said he was sorry, and that he knows there’s nothing he can do to make it better, but he’s sorry nonetheless. And then he thanked me for allowing us to form this pseudo friendship given the level of hatred I had just conveyed. And then he asked me to tell him if ever I see the asshole come out again because he doesn’t want to be that guy anymore. Because he knows he screwed up with me and he doesn’t want to do that with her. I said I would try, even though it’s not my job to police his bad behavior. I said I would try because that’s how I’m made, and I want to believe him because that’s how I’m made, and I want him to experience true peace and happiness because that’s how I’m made. And sometimes I despise how I’m made…

Then I talked to my mom, cuz she’s my person, and I cried and purged some more, and told her some of the things that I hadn’t told anyone and that I couldn’t bear to yell at him about because it was too much for both of us. But I told her because I had to tell someone and she cried with me, and perhaps for me, and she was there for me like only a mother can be, and I appreciate her so much more than she’ll ever know...

And now? Now I dunno. Now I’ll just be. Perhaps that was what they call closure. Or perhaps that’s just what I’ll call closure because it sounds so nice and neat, and dammit, I deserve it.

He’s moving Tuesday for sure, with new chick of course, and the only thing that could ruin it for him now is if he fails the drug test he is required to take, which is unfortunately a very great possibility due to his spiral a few months back. I knew what he was doing, and since Em is never alone with him, all I could do was wait and watch him self-destruct. And even though I was shocked by the way he chose to do so, I also understood because, as we all know, my drug of choice is food, so who am I to judge? He’s clean now, so he says, but I just hope for all of our sakes it’s not too little too late. He needs to go, we need him to go, so keep your fingers crossed that he doesn’t ruin this as well.

There will be a lighter post soon, but for now, this is what I needed, so there you have it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Sounds like you really needed to purge. The important thing now is you can TRULY move on....

And FWIW, I wouldn't police Bub's behavior...not your job. If he screws up, he screws up, and knowing him, he would find a way to blame you for it.


7:57 AM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

OMG! You were so intitled to rant and rave! He should be ashamed! My fingers are crossed as well as my toes and my eyes. If all goes well he will truly be gone and soon!
hugs and more hugs

2:29 PM  
Blogger Wien. said...

I bet it felt very good to get it off your chest, exhausting, but a relief none the less.
I agree with Jen415, his love life is his problem. Wish him the best and get off the phone. It's a little too late for him to be working on the art of communication with you. I don't think you should have to bear the burden of being his new life coach. Em should be the only thing you two have to talk about from now on. Sorry, now I'm ranting!

7:28 PM  
Anonymous alex said...

That definately sounded like closure to me. Soon, he'll be gone and everything will be finalized and you can move on with him out of the picture. I'm really glad you got the opportunity to yell at him as it was a long time coming and he definately deserved it.

I hope you felt better afterwards.

2:10 PM  
Blogger tracy said...

You obviously needed to get it out there. Now that you have really told him how you felt, you are free.

10:10 PM  

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