Thursday, December 22, 2005

Freaking out... yes again!!

Truly, there are people in this world (mostly little old church secretaries) who have absolutely no business whatsoever being anywhere near a computer, let alone trying to operate one. Yet, no matter what, they insist that they know what they're doing and that it's right, (of course) and that whatever the problem is, it must be with the program. Heaven forbid someone actually admit to user error, puhleeeeeze! CAUTION, PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER! ACCESS DENIED DUE TO EXTREME STUPIDITY! And no, there is no patch available for download on that! Some people are truly exasperating and my patience as tech support for this software only goes so far. And the busy season is still to come... lord help me!

Okay, sorry about that, I'm better now. ;D

So, what's going on with me? Um, the scale is up. Yes, you read that correctly, the scale is up by exactly 3 pounds. I know, I know, what's 3 piddly pounds? And I know that all of this has been kind of the point lately, you know, to replenish a little sorely needed padding. And that I've actually been under my target weight of 130 lbs. for months now, but just haven't admitted it because it somehow seems too low, and that (to me) implies the impression that I may have "a problem". Which, of course, is completely ridiculous, yet my insecurities about that subject still hold the thought firmly in place. And I also know that weight fluctuates, and that 3 pounds may not really be three pounds (even though those extra 3 pounds have shown up consistently for a week now). So, what the hell is my point you ask? My point is this, it's THREE FUCKING POUNDS!! Deep breaths, deeeeeeep breaths. See, this is exactly what I was afraid of. The idea of purposefully gaining weight, scares the ever livin' shit out of me! And now that I think it's actually happening, well, I'm paralyzed like an idiot deer caught in the headlights. Am I seriously supposed to let go and actually do this for real? You've got to be freakin' kidding me! Wasn't the point of all this blood, sweat and tears, to keep the weight off... for good? Isn't that what I've been striving for during the past three years? Every single relative choice I've made for the past three years has been for the sole purpose of keeping weight off, period. Frankly, I don't see how it could be possible for me to ever be comfortable with gaining weight again, no matter what the reason. So yeah, I'm freaking out a bit. Oh, who am I kidding, A LOT! And now I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. On the one hand I know that I've got to learn to let go, but on the other hand I know that complacency is the death of any diet or "healthy lifestyle" if you'd rather. So how do I find the balance? The happy medium that allows me to remain in control of my body, while still doing what I know I need to for optimum health? Good lord, does this ever end? I don't know, but I do know this; I've got way too much shit to do, to be freaking over this right now! So, I'm off to quit avoiding responsibility, and I'll be back to blabber on about this more at a later date! ;D


Blogger Joc said...

I get this, when you have devoted so much time and energy into losing weight the thought of gaining, any type of gaining would be terrifying. I hope you can find a way to stress less about it. Good Luck.

8:53 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Sigh...we make life so difficult for ourselves, don't we? You lose an incredible amount of weight and excel in keeping it off, but then need to put a bit back on yet the thought of purposely gaining even a little drives you insane. Why is our mind so cruel to us at times?!?! Granted, I'm not in your position, but do understand your dilemma because MY mind betrays me in other ways ;)

Its crazy and I'm not sure how to put it all to rest, other than to say isn't it better to have a brain that works overtime than be a brain-dead zombie (say, like a little old church secretary who can't find the start button)? You'll figure it all out someday, my dear, and then you can share the secret with us all! xox

By the way, I figure this blog must be one of the most read around, so I'll shamelessly beg your readers to vote for Sofie (in the pink tutu) so a little dog's Christmas dreams can come true! ;)

10:20 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

Bev: I know you're struggling. And I'm so sorry. It's that damn mindset. And yes, I can understand the fear of sabotaging one's self.
But you are strong. You can do it. And those deep breaths are a GOOD THING!!!

2:58 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I say if it's going to cause you so much grief trying to gain some back to not worry about it. Is it really worth it in the long run if you lose your sanity while trying to gain few pounds?

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. :)

3:49 PM  

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