Monday, November 28, 2005

Sorry if that last post was a bit confusing, my IL's did spend the night Wednesday, and then left Thursday afternoon. You didn't think I was gonna get out of it that easily, did you?? Anyway, Bub had his "talk" with Jim and tried to lay it all out, but like I said, Jim is old and set in his ways and he's pretty much gonna continue to do whatever the hell he wants do to, and rightly so! So, of course, Bub isn't nearly satisfied, (as if he ever truly could be) so it's going to continue to be a major issue between them which I'm sure will ultimately cause him to say screw it if he can't get his own way. So, here I am, back on the edge of my seat, wondering if I'm gonna get a phone call to come get him in the middle of the day, and just how much relentless yapping I'll have to endure about everything that's being done "wrong" at work. And you know what's really sad? I'm kind of relieved that the attention of how everything is being done wrong is more focused at work right now instead of at me. Good lord, that's so freakin' pathetic!

I do believe that he understands the importance of maintaining this job though, so I'm pretty sure he'll be willing to put up with more than he normally would because of it. I just hope they can find a happy medium before he flips his lid and says to hell with it, or before he just goes along with it and gets burned out on the whole "real job" idea altogether. Yuck, I hate uncertainty. We'll see what he has to say about how today went, 'cause you know I'm gonna hear alllllllll about it! Yippie!

My SIL's Thanksgiving in Russellville went off without a hitch on Saturday. Not a single negatively undertoned comment about my weight this year, yay! I think they've all finally gotten used to the fact that this is the way I am now, although, I suspect that they'll always be on the lookout for me to start gaining the weight back. But I can understand that, after all, it's only human nature.

The dinner was really good, and I found myself being much more indulgent than recent years past. It's taken me a really long time to accept that I needn't be nearly so ridged about my food anymore. But it's still so hard because my evil little inner fat chick is always right there just taunting me. C'mon, get as much as you really want, you know it won't hurt (much). And then that little control switch temporarily goes on the fritz while the hand to mouth mechanism shifts into hyper speed, and I suddenly realize that I've gone back for a little more of this and a little more of that, how many times?!!! Oh god, how easy it would be to just slip right back into my old ways! I can picture it happening, I am fully aware of it's possibility, and it scares the ever-lovin shit out of me. So much so that I am constantly questioning just where the line between "normal" eating and going a little too far must lie. And it's such a freakin' thin line that I have to remain ever diligent and conscious about my food choices, because if I don't, I'm leaping over that line for sure, and I just may never find my way back. So, on the one hand, I'm relieved that I've been able to loosen up a bit more, but on the other hand I can't help but feel fearful of just what that loosening up may mean for in in the future. God, I wish it could be easier than this, and perhaps it could be if I was different somehow. But I guess this is just the way it's got to be for me, and I guess I can live with that, even if I do want to bitch and moan about it from time to time. But if that's what it takes to keep this weight off and keep me from going back to a place that I'm not willing to ever go again, then so be it. If nothing else, about this I am totally clear.


Blogger Dawnyal said...

At least it was a fairly brief visit from them. I hope Bub gets the work stuff straightened out. He sounds like someone who always has to have something to complain about, no matter what it was as long as it wasn't about him personally and his faults.

Yeah for the dinner and getting back in control. I'm hoping one of these days you're going to tell me that the mind games miraculously disappear and you are left not worrying about this food or that. A girl can dream. :)

10:26 AM  

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