I've been preparing a more insightful post on the inner workings of what makes me, me after much introspection and realizations of how my past has helped to mold my present. But then I thought, you know what? Who needs that shit on Christmas Eve? So I'll get back to it at a later date, but for now;

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! (eve)

Tomorrow is the big day, the one that all the big black X's that Em has been meticulously tracking on the calendar have been leading up to. She is a bundle of anxious, excited nerves. She honestly worries that her bad behavior may warrant no presents under the tree from Santa. She stresses over it and seeks constant reassurance. She's so hard on herself, thinking that she's a "bad girl" for all the stupid normal stuff that all kids do. It kills me to have to see her and let her go through all the adolescent angst that will make her into the woman she is meant to be. It's so hard for me to just step back and allow her to learn what she must for herself, when all I can think of is how it doesn't have to be this hard! It's the "fixer" in me that drives me to want to handle all of the unpleasantness of growing up for her, so that she never has to feel the pressure, worries, embarrassment, and anxiety that are so completely normal, and in fact, vital to her emotional development. She is definitely a drama queen and has the uncanny ability to make even the most mundane, everyday occurrences into a major ordeal. She is precocious and insightful and way too smart for her own good, and I can't help but wonder about the woman she will one day be. God, I hope I don't screw this up!

My in-laws came down yesterday so we could exchange gifts. We won't be doing Christmas together this year because my FIL is a preacher and Christmas, of course, is on Sunday. We got them the set of wooden folding TV trays that they've been wanting along with this and this (religious puzzles because she's an absolute puzzle fanatic) for my MIL, and a little gagety pocket knife and utility tool set and an electronic dart board for my FIL. They got Em a whole load of crap, which we're making her wait until Christmas to open, and my MIL secretly whispered to me that my and Bub's cards each contain $50.00, so I guess I'm goin' shopping!... later on... after all the holiday crazies have departed. Which brings me to the task on hand for today. Just as a reminder, Bub is legally blind, and thus cannot really go anywhere or shop for anyone on his own. So, yesterday he informs me that I need to take him to WalMart today (Saturday) so that he can get me something for Christmas, gee how thoughtful of him. I wonder if it ever occurred to him that a truly thoughtful gift would be one purchased online so that I don't have to brave the pits of hell just so he can pick me out some last minute token present? And it's not like I haven't mentioned things that I would like, I just don't think they interested him enough to deem worthy of his time and effort. I know he likes to get me things that make me happy and surprise me whenever he can, but frankly, I believe he uses his disability as an excuse because he knows that I'm always here to make sure things are taken care of. I also think it's one of the ways he traps and guilts me. How would he be able to work or to do anything without me here to chauffeur him around? Okay, so up bubbles some resentment. I'll stop now because, dammit, it's Christmas!! And that's just not where I want to go right now.

Em's little friend from down the street has been over to play practically every day lately. And since school has been out, she's been showing up at like 8:30 each morning! Of course I'm up, and have been for hours by this point, but good grief! I thought kids liked to sleep in whenever possible? I know I sure did! Anyway, could someone please tell me when, exactly, I started to become known only as Emily's Mom, rather than me? I must have missed the memo on that one! I've told her friends my first name, my last name, and what they should feel free to call me, yet each time they ask for something or leave for the day, it's "hey, Emily's Mom" or "bye Emily's Mom!" It's just hilarious to me! Hi, nice to meet 'cha, I'm Emily's Mom, and you are? Oh, of course, you're Peyton's Mom, how silly of me. Perhaps I should have my name changed on legal documents to reflect my new identity. From this day forward, I hereby decree that I am only to be known as Emily's Mom (or like Prince, the woman formally known as Beverly) Think I should pick out a symbol to represent my new identity? Or, maybe, have it put on a license plate? Good lord, I suddenly feel very old!

Okay, I realize that I'm stalling now. Trying to put off getting Bub up this morning because I know what insanity must surely lie ahead. So wish me luck as I bravely venture into the frightening and chaotic world of WalMart at Christmastime, may the force be with me. ;D

Again, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Cheesy, I know, but still trying to stall here. Okay, now I'm going for real, I promise. Hanging head and pushing away from the puter with sigh... do I really gotta? Okay, okay, I'm outta here! ;D