Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The deed is done.

I did it. I signed the papers, handed over a chunk of change, and got the keys to my new place. I started crying as the lady went over all the mumbo jumbo in the paperwork. She promptly stopped, and with great concern got me some tissue and started telling me a deeply personal story about the difficulties of accepting change, with the major point being that everything is, indeed, going to be okay. Thank god for the caring and compassionate people of this world, I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. This woman, Mary, whom I've mentioned before, is the wonderful lady who handles things for the apartment complex, and she has taken it upon herself to befriend and encourage me, telling me that I'm doing the right thing, and generally looking out for me in a motherly type way. She has insisted that I call her for anything, even if just to talk. I am humbled by her empathy and grateful for her support. Simple human kindness, gotta love it.

I went over there afterwards, just to check out the new carpet (which looks fabulous, BTW) and to, I dunno, just "be" in the new place. I went from room to room, taking it all in, thinking about how I should arrange things, and what I still need to purchase. It's kind of overwhelming really, I'm so used to deferring to Bub on everything, that I can't even seem to decide on the simplest things like where my desk should go in relation to the couch and TV. My inability to make decisions is so profound that I find myself simply setting them aside til later, thinking that I may have a clearer idea of what I truly want if I just leave it be for a bit. This, of course, is counterproductive, but I don't know what else to do. Hopefully my decisiveness is something that will vastly improve in the months and years to come. It's gonna have to, since I'll be the one calling all the shots now. I can't just fall back on Bub for the answers anymore, this is all up to me now.

I also started a checking account today, using my new address so that everything will go there instead of here. Next I have to get the utilities started and schedule getting the phone transferred. We currently have two lines, both in my name, one I'm taking with me and one I'm leaving for Bub, but having put into his name so I'll no longer be liable for it. I'll also have to get some technical stuff worked out like adding (and installing) DSL to the phone line I'm having transferred and making sure I coordinate the dates for that correctly. I've got to get phone and internet back up and running by the next Monday for work purposes because I can't just leave the little 'ol church ladies in a lurch, now can I? Anyway, there's still so much to do, but I'm really trying not to let it get to me. It's time to switch to autopilot and just gitter done.

I went ahead and got the ball rolling on getting Em some counseling ASAP. I had to get a referral from her doctor faxed over to Counseling Associates before I could get the paperwork started and an appointment scheduled, but all seems in order now. It looks like they won't be able to start seeing her until the end of April, so I'm glad I went ahead and got it started, I would've hated for her to have to wait any longer than necessary. She's nervously looking forward to talking to someone besides dear 'ol mom about all this stuff, and I think it will do her a world of good.

I also took the kitty in to get neutered today, poor baby! I knew I wouldn't be able to afford it later on so I pushed for it and was able to get it done, whoo hoo! Still no new name for our little he/she yet. Bub's just been calling him "Kitty Boy" and hasn't really been demanding a final decision on a new name, so I've just been skirting around the issue to bide my time. If we do end up renaming him, we want to feel free to pick something we actually like, rather than just conceding to appease Bub in whatever his superior choice may be.

Well, I think that's about it for now. I'm still pretty numb from the day's events, but I'm sure that will turn into sickening terror soon enough, so I guess I should enjoy the lack of feelings while it lasts. It all seems pretty surreal right now, and I'm finding it difficult to comprehend that I've actually gone past the point of no return with this. But like I said, I'm sure the reality of it will set in soon enough. Hopefully it will be a new sort of reality though, one of apprehensive excitement towards the uncertain future which is about to unfold before my very eyes. Perhaps I'll now start looking forward to our impending freedom, rather than continuing to be held fast in the unbearable fear. But whatever happens, I think I can handle it. No, I have to handle it, and that's precisely what I'm gonna do.


Anonymous Sandi said...

I couldn't be more proud of you Bev. You are being so brave and gettingit all together. You go girl!! (((HUGS)))

9:57 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

You've done so much already and handled it so well. I do remember how overwhelming it felt having to take care of all the little details that make up the whole (and internet didn't even exist when I took the leap ;)

There's not even much to be scared about any longer; you have a home, you have a bank account, you already have a job, Em knows, you have movers at hand ~ you're already running your own life. Although I know it will be strange being the decision-maker, especially when you've become accustomed to someone else taking charge, but it'll become natural once you're doing it every day. In fact, I bet you won't be going through all this soul searching about how and whether you can handle making all the decisions, because you'll be too busy making all the decisions! ;)

To be honest, this time last year I never would have dreamed you would be this ready and prepared to move forward in such a positive direction; you seemed so mired in acceptance of your miserable "fate". You've come so far and I'm so happy for you and so damned proud of you. xox

2:23 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Have not posted in a long time but have been reading. Just wanted to add that a good Bible believing church would be a great place for support. I know our church has a divorce recovery program that really helps gals out. Just a thought.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I am SO FREAKIN' PROUD of you!! You won't regret your choice to go--believe me!

You have my number--use it!

4:28 PM  
Anonymous aunt sandy said...

Way to go!!!!!!
Atta girl. Always look ahead. never look back.
You will be fine. What a great way to start a new life. New carpet and all...
hugs and more hugs

10:13 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

OMG Bev, look at you. I am with Jilly on this and would never have thought you would make it this far a year ago. You are finally taking control of your life back and you are making the decisions.

You might look around goodwill or some consignment shops for the things you need.

9:21 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

What strength! And I think you are absolutely fucking marvelous. You have taken things into your own hands and are working to make a better life for you and Em. I'm so damn proud!!!

5:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I am very proud of you. You have taken control. This has to be the very best thing that you could do for your daughter, you are setting a wonderful example.
A lot of us follow in our mother’s footsteps and for some reason and we tend to marry the same type of men that our mothers marry. We have the same kind of marriages that our mother’s had or have. We think that is how things are supposed to be. I did just that and after about 16 years in a passionless marriage I decided that I needed more. I knew it was out there, I saw it, people holding hands walking down the street, the way that they would look at each other. I knew that I had to go and find it. I wanted my kids to see what that kind of relationship looked like. I didn’t want them to think that what I had for a marriage was normal. I wanted different for them. I made people angry with my choices; I was told that I had made my bed…. It wasn’t an easy time for us financially, emotionally or in any other way for a time. We made it through and since that time I have met and married the most wonderful man. There is passion along with a partnership that I truly treasure. I’m sorry that I have gone on and on but I wanted you to know that no matter how difficult things get they will get better in time. You are doing the right things. One of my friends once said “If you don’t like the way your bed is made, get up and remake it!”
Happy Easter,

1:11 PM  

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