Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Dagnabit!

Awwww CRAP! You know what I realized while checking out the calendar again yesterday? That April 1st. is on a Saturday, not a Friday like I originally thought, duh! Well that kinda throws my April Fools Day plan out the window, cause if I'm gonna do it the way my lawyer suggested then it has to be on a weekday while Bub is at work. Plus, I also just realized that Em's Spring Break is the week of 3/27-3/31, so if I'm gonna do it then, I would have to let her in on it. But I'll go into greater detail about my thoughts on that in just a bit, cause there's some other stuff I wanted to delve into first.

One being my realization that I'm seriously starting to think like a person who might actually go through with this! I'm picking up things here and there that I think I'm gonna need but won't be able to afford once I'm on my own and really pinching pennies. I've been taking stock of our crap to see what I'll take and what I'll leave. I'll be handling things like getting the oil changed in the car, getting me and Em's hair cut, buying new shoes, and picking up some clothing items that Em will need this summer and next year, etc. because I know how tight it's gonna be soon, and I want to make sure some basic things are taken care of for the time being. It's interesting how my mindset has evolved with time. I mean, how long ago was it that I felt I honestly had no other choice but to endure this misery for the rest of my life? How did I get from that point to here? Time, support and education, the journey is never ending.

Secondly, I'm having some issues with my stress and fear; they're almost overwhelming at times. I feel as though I'm in this perpetual state of heightened anxiety. Like what a mess I was at WalMart Monday morning, just kind of freaking out with too much adrenaline pumping through my veins, making my heart pound and my perceptions ultra sensitive. I'm having a hard time concentrating and dealing with things (what else is new?) and I keep thinking of all the stuff I need to be doing to get prepared and quite frankly, I'm allowing it to overwhelm me. (again, what else is new?) But I've also been experiencing this weird sense of calmness at times as well, which is especially noticeable when he's in full Bubba mode. It's like I can space out now and take pleasure in the idea that I may not be doomed to this misery forever. His tirades don't seem to affect me as deeply or in the same way, and don't leave me feeling as depressed and defeated anymore. And I'm guessing it's because I'm feeling a sense of hope for the future. It's strange, but I can almost just laugh his bullshit off now, and think of it just as that; bullshit. I still have to comply and apologize for whatever my misgivings may be, of course, but at least now I can see that maybe I'm really not crazy or broken or incompetent. Maybe I'm just different, with different views and perceptions, opinions and ideas, and maybe being different is simply my right as a human being, and is perfectly okay, regardless of whether or not he would agree.

Thirdly, the other day, Em was saying how she wished she could have a friend over to spend the night, but how she'd never actually want to do it with daddy around because of "how he'd be". Not allowing her to be loud and rowdy and play, and getting on to her for his stupid, controlling shit and embarrassing her in front of her friends. She wishes she could do so many things that kids in "normal" families do, hell she just wishes she could be a kid, but she knows she can't while he's around. And while she was telling me this, I couldn't help but think of how free to be herself she would feel and how much fun she would finally be able to have if we actually got out from under his oppressive rule. And it's not like I plan to rebel against his overbearing control and demands by allowing her to run wild without limits and boundaries, I just want her to feel comfortable, carefree, safe, unconditionally loved, and good enough just the way she is, in her own home. How could there possibly be anything wrong with that?

Sooooo, back to this... to tell Em, or not to tell Em; that is the question. I'm sort of inclined to tell her, but let me explain why. My beautifully precocious, highly dramatic daughter is one nut that falls not far from the tree. She absolutely, unequivocally, despises and deplores change of any sort, especially the unexpected kind. Hmmm, wonder where she gets that shit from?? ;D So, while I see the necessity for blindsiding Bub, I feel that it would be particularly cruel to do the same to her, knowing how horribly she would take it. I mean, can you imagine, coming home from school one day to a totally new place to live and a broken up family? OMG, I know I'd be so severely pissed! So I was thinking that I could break it to her by first reiterating how sometimes mommy makes choices that she (Em) wouldn't like or agree with, but that I make them anyway because I'm doing what I know is best, even if she doesn't necessarily understand it. And because it's my job to do what's best, even when she may not agree. Then, I think if I break it to her, and let her know what to expect, and then give her some time to process it, maybe she'll be able to accept it and be ready for it when it happens? I dunno, this is a tough one. I also think that it would give her more of a sense of control (whereas now, she has almost none) if she were able to help pick out things for the new place and determine things she would like to take with her. Maybe it would give her more of a sense of impending freedom to be able to express her opinion without having it invalidated or overlooked. Plus the Spring Break thing, meaning anything I need to do that week to prepare would have to be done with her in tow. So, I either need to postpone for a few weeks, (I can't do it the next week either cause that's Bub's B-day) or I'm gonna have to let her in on it. So, feedback chickies, give it to me! And quick too, 'cause I have an appointment to check out a cozy little duplex within walking distance of Em's school tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. Can you even freakin' believe it? Talk about taking steps! Who is this woman who has been taking over my mind and body when I've needed her the most? Think I could just let her take over completely so I can hide out until all the scary shit is over and done with? Anyway, that's enough rambling for now, so TTFN!

9 Comments:

Anonymous Lisa said...

Don't tell her. You cannot know if she throws a tantrum towards YOU because of something and tells Bub before it's completed. You can't risk that for yourself, let alone for her. You can't put that kind of responsobility on an eight year old girl, to keep a secret like that. Especially if she's prone to "drama" :)

I would just make all the preparations alone and by myself. Drop her off at school and tell her you'll be picking her up that afternoon. Then, during the day, move from the house and into wherever you are staying next. (Bring ALL of her stuff, of course) After that, pick her up from school, go out for a meal or something and explain everything to her.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

I second that. I know it seems logical to tell her, but sweetie, you just can't. So delay it one week and make it happen on April 7th.

The very last thing you need to do is have to justify all this to her before you do it. You will be freaking out as it is. As much as it would be nice to do it in a manner that would suit her, she might throw a fit and let Bub in on it and blow the whole thing.

I'd also second taking EVERYTHING of hers and then she can take back what she wants when she visits.

I am so proud of you. I know how hard this is right now. Babe - you can do this!!!!! (((HUGS)))

4:07 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I also agree that it's a bad idea to tell her. Since you said she hates change as much as you she could tell Bub that you are planning on leaving in the hopes it will help you change your mind.

Could she say spend the night with a friend that Thursday night/Friday and that way she won't have to be there. If not, postponing it a couple of weeks would probably work.

I too will ditto how proud I am of you taking all these steps. I know how hard it is but you will be so much happier and in such a better place in the long run.

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have to agree with the other commenters. She really shouldn't have to keep a secret like that. Despite his numerous and hideous flaws, he will always be her father and she shouldn't have to choose sides.

It's scary, but you're going to be in such a better space when it's done. You should be so proud of yourself--as proud as we are of you!

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

For someone who professes to be scared and overwhelmed, you seem to be doing amazingly well! I mean really, the "old" beaten down Bev would only dream of taking action, while this "new" empowered Bev is shopping, making arrangements and going to check out a cozy little duplex! Who cares if its not on April 1, as long as you keep going!

As for Em, I agree with the others. Whether you tell her before, during or after, its going to be dramatic ~ that can't be avoided ~ but its better that the reaction take place after the fact. She's a kid and she'll settle into her new home and routines quickly as children tend to do. In no time she'll be having friends over and enjoying the freedom to be herself without Bub's restrictions.

Take some deep breaths and carry on with your plans. As much as you feel you're fretting, you ARE accomplishing a lot towards your goal. Be strong, my dear!

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Bev, I am so proud of how far you have come. A place to live and inventory in progress. Plans are in the works and there is a good outcome in sight.

That feeling you are having is just the adrenaline. Make lists and do some sorting on paper. A timeline and deadlines will help you sort everything out and put it in order. You will be less likely to forget things then. It might ease some of your nervousness.

I'm not so sure Em would be able to keep your secret, though. That is a lot to ask of a kid. I agree with the comments from your friends. Figure out a way to make it a fabulous surprise once the plans are made and you are in the new place. Then let her do some decorating and decision-making when she moves in. What a great adventure it all could be.
You need to be in the new digs. Safe.

Atta girl! Keep up the good work!

12:33 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

I'll just round it out and say that I don't think telling Em would be wise.
It IS a lot to put on her. And she can begin to adjust after everything has been put into place.

HUGE hugs on the progress! I am so proud!
Grins*

3:13 PM  
Blogger Joc said...

I can only agree with what everyone else has said. Dont tell her - she will feel conflicted about keeping secrets from her father, no matter how she feels about him on the bad days, he is still her father and she will feel loyalty to him because of that.

I am so proud of you, I have been reading your blog for ages and I am so impressed with the way you are facing your reality. Talk about "Finding Beverly" looks to me like you are, and you are realising what a strong and wonderful woman she is. I wish you all the best, and am eagerly waiting for the the start of your new life, you deserve it so much.

1:00 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

"I'm just different, with different views and perceptions, opinions and ideas, and maybe being different is simply my right as a human being, and is perfectly okay"

Amazing progress, Beverly!

11:56 AM  

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