Thursday, March 23, 2006

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

That Eleanor Roosevelt, she sure was a spunky, wise ol' broad, huh? Ya just gotta love her!

Fear; I'm sick and freakin' tired of it. Yes it's uncomfortable, yes it can make you nauseous, freeze you in place, and prevent you from living the life you're meant to live, if you allow it to. I read something the other day talking about women who put up with this kind of abusive, mind-numbing bullshit that said once you realize just what you're truly dealing with, you're no longer a victim of it, you're a volunteer. I gotta tell ya, that didn't sit too well with me. I've voluntarily put up with this shit for far too long. I've lived in denial, made excuses, reasoned that I could handle it, assumed responsibility for it, and have tried my best to lay in the bed that I, myself have made. I am the one who allowed it to go on, and I am the one who has to disallow it from ever happening again. It's time to cut my losses and move on. Perhaps, if I had any love left for this man, I would try to work on the relationship by working on myself. Setting and enforcing personal boundaries, expressing my thoughts and opinions, and not allowing myself to be over-ridden, demeaned and disrespected in the process. Perhaps, if I had any feelings for him at all, I would try to re-negotiate this relationship, but I don't, so I won't. Like such a thing would even be possible with man like this. But, I would have at least tried, if I still cared, even a little.

It looks as though the job scare has blown over, at least for now. But it did help me to realize a real sense of urgency here, so I figured I'd better shit or get off the pot. Thus, I've begun making some real, honest to goodness plans. I'm now tentatively shooting for April 21st. I'm getting those ducks in a row, and I'm feeling stronger every day. I've started drafting a letter for Bub, not explaining my actions, merely stating them as fact so he's not left totally in the dark. I've also been gathering details for him like when certain bills are due and how to contact the landlord, as he is totally clueless and has always left all these kinds of responsibilities up to me. And, of course, you know me, always doing what I can to make things as easy as possible for everyone else. But it's my nature, so I figure if I wanna do it, then why the hell not? The irony is that I've realized that I can do what ever the hell I want to now, no explanation necessary. Anyway, I'll probably post the letter once I've finished it, in order to get some feedback and suggestions on it. In the meantime, I'm taking care of details and looking in earnest for places to live, which to me, is the ultimate step, the point of no return. The day I actually put a deposit down on a place, is the day I'll know for sure that I'm going through with this, no matter what. I also plan to meet with the volunteer therapist at my local women's shelter on Friday. I took everyone's advice and contacted Carrie again, and she set it up for me. I'm gonna need someone to help me get my warped way of thinking straight, so who better than an expert, experienced in this kind of situation, right? I'm looking forward to it, and hoping that it will do me as much good as I think it will. I'm also encouraged by the resources that the wonderful women at the shelter have at their disposal. When I asked about referrals for getting counseling for Em, Carrie said they would be more than happy to help set her up with an equally experienced children's therapist. I can only imagine the kind of de-programming my poor girl is gonna have to endure in order to fully accept that she is wonderful, beautiful, and loved unconditionally, just the way she is. I know, without a doubt, that we have a long hard road ahead of us. But at least we will be able to travel that road together, and free to finally be ourselves.

7 Comments:

Blogger Jen said...

Wow, you have definitely had some lightbulb moments!! I am so happy to see this! I am here to support you and cheer you on.

Very soon, my dear friend, you will be FREE!!

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Yep, Ms Roosevelt was a very wise woman. Here's another one:

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience."

You are on the verge of truly living! :)

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Wow!! You should reread your post. You have moved forward my dear. There is a totally different tone now. Way to go girl!!!

Love Ya!!

7:49 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

YES! YES! YES!
*pumping fist in air*
You're doing great! Stay strong.
Hugs*

8:45 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Look at all the progress you have made. I'm sure there is a great place for you and Em to live in just around the corner. Good to hear you are getting some counseling and will have some ready for Em when the time comes.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bev, you are my heroine, and I think you are Em's, too.

5:10 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Bev,
You are awesome! Let me know if there is anything I can do to make this easier for you.
I'm sure Em will only need some debriefing before she will feel fabulous about herself. You know what she needs and that is half the battle.
hugs and more hugs
Aunt Sandy

4:12 PM  

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