Friday, April 07, 2006

Sorry, I just don't know how to keep 'em short anymore!

Well, I spoke with my lawyer about getting an order of protection, but unfortunately, I just don't have a strong case for one. You can't really put restraints on someone just because you think they might do something, especially without probable cause. He said it wouldn't hurt to try though, the worst they could do is deny the request and no one would ever know if they did. Plus, he said he's seen them issued for less, so it's not like I have no chance of getting one, it's just not a sure thing. Anyway, I can definitely appreciate the need to move this along quickly now that Em knows. I certainly have a healthy fear of her changing her mind and spilling the beans, so even though I really don't think that's gonna happen, you just never know. So, it looks like what I'm gonna do is go ahead and leave on that Friday, (April 21st.) rather than waiting any longer than necessary (I agree, another two months is just unacceptable, which is ironic considering the fact that I had all but resigned myself to living with it for the rest of my life, but let's just forget about that little tidbit, shall we?). And I'll leave my note along with email and voice mail as acceptable ways to contact me if necessary. My hope is that I'll never have to speak with him directly again, but I also realize how unlikely that probably is. Then me and Em will lay low all weekend, giving him time to lash out either by voice mail or email so it can be documented. Then I'll keep Em out of school that following Monday and file for a protective order if he does end up proving it's necessity. Either way, I'll get all the paperwork I need to filed that day to get the ball rolling and to get a temporary custody hearing set. Unfortunately it doesn't appear that there's anything I can legally do to protect Em and I. Yes, I can talk to the school, (and I plan to) but until there's a custody ruling or a court order in place, they can't stop him from taking his daughter anywhere. My lawyer said, even though it's sad and scary as hell, sometimes you just have to give these guys enough rope to hang themselves with. Then there will be something we can do about it. Lovely.

Now, on to something more positive. I got approved for an apartment on Wednesday! The lady was wonderful and so willing to work with me. I had told her a little about my situation, just to ensure discretion, and she understood completely. She allowed me to forego showing proof of income since Bub currently has all of my work checks coming in his name. I know, let me explain that one before y'all flip your lids! Think of my job as a contract I am fulfilling in sort of a freelance capacity, straight 1099 contract pay. Bub decided it would be best for tax purposes for all of our income to be in his name (dunno why since despite my avid protests, he hasn't bothered to even file taxes for the last few years, which I'm sure will come back to bite me in the ass sooner or later). I, of course, agreed cause... well, cause that's what I do, so I'm not currently getting paid for my work personally. BUT, have no fear, my job security is excellent. I have no doubt whatsoever that when the time comes, I'll let my "boss" in on all of this and he'll start making the checks out in my name (which is what he really wanted to do in the first place anyway) and send them directly to me at my new address. He and Bub are... friendly, but he knows I'm the one that ensures he stays in business. So, honestly, no worries, I got it all handled. Anyway, back to the apartment. It's not much, but it's cozy and affordable. The complex itself is fenced in with quite a bit of grassy areas for Em to play. And the apt. is a ground floor (thank goodness!) 2 bdrm (with a walk in closet in the master!), 1 large bathroom, and an actual laundry room rather than one of those laundry closets tucked away in the hallway or kitchen. Comes with a fridge and a dishwasher, but I'll have to get a washer and dryer. I'm not taking ours because I'm a bleeding heart sucka who just can't be cruel, much as I wish I could. I know that Bub won't be able to get to a laundrymat easily, so he really needs them more than I do. 'Cept now he'll just need to figure out how to use the darn things, hehee! I'm also leaving him the microwave since he can't/won't actually cook any real food himself, so I've been checking the paper for both and hope to acquire them soon. But right now they're busy cleaning, painting and putting in brand new carpet! Which is something she told me they weren't going to do just yet, but they felt like I would take good care of it, so they're going ahead and doing it. Like I said, the woman was very sweet, and she wanted to do what she could to make this a smooth transition for me and Em. She did express some concern about Bub coming there and causing trouble, but I assured her that I would have no tolerance for that kind of behavior and that the police will be called immediately if anything like that were to happen. Anyway, the apartment should be ready sometime next week, which is when I'll pay the deposit and sign the lease. And that's it, once I take that big step, I know there's no going back, period.

So I finally told my SIL (my brother's wife) about what's going on. I think I've mentioned that she's one of the few people I told last time, so I was afraid to tell her again cause I didn't want to be the girl who cried wolf after backing out of it before. But she was fantastic about it and more than a little excited (she can't stand Bub either) and assured me that they would be handling all of the moving details for me. Like I said, she's awesome! My brother will take off work that day and they'll both come down (they live abt. 35-40 min. away) with his truck and a trailer and load em up and move em out! Woohoo! And boy, lemme tell ya, I am so grateful for the offer cause I had begun pricing local movers and realized that hauling your shit around for you apparently doesn't come cheap! I was looking at $400-550 just to move less than a mile away! So that's a tremendous weight off my shoulders, and it once again reinforces the idea that it's okay to ask for help. That's a hard one for me, but I'm getting there.

I had another therapy session at the women's shelter Wednesday afternoon. We talked a lot about how I deal with Em. I've already recognized that I'm far too lenient, am a huge pushover, I'm inconsistent, and have tremendous difficulty asserting my authority. Especially considering how precocious and strong willed that girl is. I have to tell ya, she does have a lot of her father's personality in her, so I know our relationship may always be a struggle. But one of my main goals is to really learn how to parent her affectively, setting appropriate parent/child boundaries and asserting my authority. Not turning into a dictator mind you, just being confident in my ability to assert myself and follow through. I believe she needs that kind of structure. Not in the way Bub believes, but not in the way I've been doing it either. The point is, she knows she can walk all over me, bully me, talk over me, and disrespect me because she sees it on a daily basis and knows I'll just take it or give in. I totally understand why she would try the same things, she's a kid and she knows she'll get her way if she does, what kid wouldn't take advantage of those weaknesses? So my plan is to finally learn how to be assertive and authoritative, while nurturing and empathetic at the same time. She needs to know that her mother can be strong without being intimidating and dismissive, which is what she's used to with Bub. Right now it's one way or the other, but never both. It's gonna be hard for her, and I expect her to rebel, but it has to happen for both our sakes. Anyway, the meeting went well. We talked a lot about Bub, of course, but I'm more interested in sharing the things that will affect my future, rather than the insanity that has been holding me back. Mary (the therapist) said my energy was better this time, said she could feel that I'm just stronger, and y'know what? I think I feel it too. :)

In other news, I had an unwelcome visitor this week. OMG, what a pain! Annoying, demanding, and an overall real freakin' drag. To tell you the truth, she hadn't been around in so long that I honestly never thought I'd have to put up with her again, but so much for that! Yep, you guessed it, Aunt Flo came blowing into town, unexpected and uninvited, and just made herself right at home, the bitch! Ug, I can't even remember how long it's been, and I was rather enjoying the idea that my body was done with all that nonsense. I really thought that I had shocked the menses right outta me, with all that weight loss and low body fat stuff, but nooooo, it just couldn't last, could it? Well, you know what they say, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. Y'know, I was perfectly happy being this menopausal 29 year old woman, there aint' nothing wrong with that! It's not like I ever plan to pop any more babies out, hell the way I feel right now, I could care less if I even have another relationship again. No way baby, I'm gonna learn to love myself for a while. And I will be damned if I ever willingly give away my personal power to anyone again, let alone a man just because I lurrrve him, or some shit like that. Nope, I'm gonna be the crazy cat lady living in apartment A2. At least she gets to do whatever the hell she wants to without having to answer to anyone! Sounds pretty darn good to me. Anyway, at least this explains why I started breaking out like some pubescent school girl, and why my Kashi obsession took a disturbing turn for the worse last week, but lets not go there, shall we? Oh well, things could be worse. Oh lord, does this mean I might get some kind of sex drive back? Naaaaaah, I wouldn't go that far. ;D


Blogger Jen said...

It does my heart good to see you forging ahead with this. And I am extremely glad you asked your brother for help. Don't be afraid to reach out.

The apartment sounds GREAT! Much better than your current prison.

Do me a favor--drop me a line at so I can have your e-mail. I want to send you my phone number in case you need me.

Take care, sweetie!

4:00 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

I'm so happy about the steps you've taken so far! And if you can be proud of a stranger whose journal you read on the internet, then I'm proud, too! :)

The moving away and into your own apartement will be an excellent time to sit down with Em, and explain that from now on, these are the "house rules" for how you and I speak to each other, these are the rules for how and when you ask permission to do stuff, how often I expect you to clean you room and so on etc. And what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. Perhaps make her a part of the "discussion", like "Now it's just you and me and our new home. Let's set up some ground rules we think makes sense. Do you have any ideas yourself ?"

She's gonna be so excited you are starting out on your own and everything is going to be different and new anyway, so why not start your "new parenting plan" right off the bat. That's what I would do, anyway. There is no better breaking point for you to start parenting her the way you want/need to.

Anyway, glad you've got help and assistance with moving and someone to talk to about these things.

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Yahhhhh!! I am so proud of you honey!!!

I was thinking exactly what Lisa wrote. New, place, new life, new rules. Lay them out together, even write them out. And tell her in no uncertain terms that you will stick to them. And then you have to , um, stick to them!!! It might be hard at first because you will always be thinking about "what she's been through" but the stability of rules without all the lectures and bullying will do wonders!!

The Apartment sounds great!!

Sandi :)

8:38 AM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Wow, you sound so in control of your own destiny! I love it!! Now that its all pretty much taken care of, hasn't most of the fear and trepidation disappeared? I know you can't be sure of the future, but you CAN be sure of what you're leaving behind and that has to be a wonderful feeling! I'm happy and I'm proud of you. You've come a long way, baby!!

10:23 AM  
Blogger chryscat said...

I am SO glad that things are working out. Everything seems to be going in your favor. And that's a wonderful thing.
You keep moving onwards and upwards.
I'll be thinking of you.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Joc said...

Fantastic moves forward Beverly. The new apartment sounds great, and I think what Lisa said about setting rules together with Em is a really great idea.

Keep moving forward

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I’ve been reading your posts here for a several months now. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are making very good decisions for both you and your daughter. You haven’t rushed into anything and you have sought help from knowledgeable people.
I haven’t commented before now for several reasons. The first being I feel somewhat like a voyeur. Like your life is really none of my business and I shouldn’t be reading never mind commenting on things I know little about. My thoughts have mostly been that you will ultimately do what is right for you and Em. I did however want to know that I am a supporter and a reader of your posts. I am cheering you on and I even worry when there are several days between posts. Hopefully now that I have “outed” myself I won’t feel so much like I am a peeping Tom or Lyn as the case may be. You’ve come a long way in the few short months I’ve been here. I really believe that you are on the right track and you are doing the right things. Its spring a time of new life and new beginnings, it looks like you are about to begin yours.

12:18 PM  
Blogger B said...

Thank you everyone. Yep, new house rules sounds like just the ticket. A fresh new start to how things should have been done all along. I think a no yelling zone is highly in order.

Thanks for coming out of hiding to show your support Lyn, lord knows I need all I can get right now. I hope you'll no longer feel like a voyer in the world I so openly display, otherwise what would have been the point for such a public peek into my very private life? Welcome.


5:17 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Such great news to read about today that you are heading in that direction and have some help to get you there. :)

3:20 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home