Sunday, March 12, 2006

See, I kept my promise!!

Well, I did it. On the spur of the moment, I called the attorney Friday afternoon and asked if he might have some time to spare, and he did! So, instead of planning and overanalyzing, I just went before I could talk myself out of it. I prefaced our conversation with the acknowledgment that I'm a crier, and the fact that my being there at all was a huge step for me. He said he understood completely, and told me to just take my time and try to tell him what was going on. Of course the waterworks began immediately, so I took a few moments to compose myself, and then asked him what his experience was with overbearing, narcissistic men, in regards to divorce and custody. He said, honey, nearly every single woman who sits on the blue couch (that's where I was sitting, on the blue couch in front of his desk) and talks to me about divorce, is doing so because their husbands are overbearing, controlling sons of bitches, that's why they're here. In essence, he has tremendous experience, and I'm not alone. More crying, and believe me, it was the ugly cry too! He was wonderful, compassionate, reassuring, knowledgeable, easy to talk to, direct, and candid. And best of all, he believed me and agrees that I need to get Em and me out of this environment, ASAP. But how, I ask? What do I need to do, what steps should I take? He basically said to get my ducks in a row and pack up and go one day while Bub is at work. Just like that? Yes, just like that. No explanation needed, just do it. He'll get mad, (yeah, that's an understatement!) and then he'll get over it (with time). I have to admit, I was a bit surprised by his advice. In fact, his reply to my astonishment was, "boy, you sure ain't a country girl, are ya?" Um, no? Huh?? Apparently, this type of "escape" is quite the norm, and in his experience, a lot of "country girls" not only do this without a second thought, but they're also quite ruthless about it in the process, completely cleaning their husbands out, and being as nasty as possible. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned, I suppose, but that's just not my style, which is something that he recognized immediately. Actually, he even went so far as to say that he didn't think I even had it in me to be so ruthless and nasty, that what he saw and heard was simple desperation to get out of an intolerable situation. Yep, more crying. He also suggested that there was really no point in trying to tell Bub, or explain anything beforehand, as it would only give him the chance to talk me out of it and use me as an emotional punching bag in the process. He said you could go through all that, but why?? He told me I don't owe Bub anything, and as difficult as that is for me to accept morally, I tend to agree. He also explained that I have the right to take Em anywhere I want, so if he called the cops on me for leaving with her, it would be pointless. He said to just go, and then file and get a temp custody hearing set ASAP, cause there's also nothing stopping him from taking Em anywhere either. He also said I can take whatever I want/need from the house, (including the Precious, which was a major concern for me b/c Em would be devastated without her) but just try to be fair and not malicious, which is also not my style. And, apparently, Personal Indignities is also the usual way to go when filing with grounds. It's not so critical as I perceived it to be, meaning that it covers such a broad spectrum of things that it is almost always the grounds for filing when people don't/can't go the 18 month separation/no grounds route here in Arkansas. So that's it, I plan to meet with a local DV counselor next week in an effort to help myself get organized, as well as to just have someone to talk to in person who truly understands this stuff. And then I need to start figuring out what my plan will be, and how to implement it. I'm kinda kicking around the idea of April 1st. Yes, I know that's awfully soon, but there's really no point in dragging this on, so the sooner the better, right? Plus, the irony of that particular day being April Fools Day, isn't totally lost on me either. ;D Soooooo, whaddya think? I, for one, can't believe I actually took some steps. After all, I honestly thought I never I really would, and that I was destined to live this miserable life forever. So even though I'm scared to death, I do, at least, I have some semblance of hope. Now, the trick will be to follow through and actually make this happen! That's the part I'm still so iffy about, I just don't know if I can really and truly go through with it. But I guess I'll never know unless I try, right?

11 Comments:

Anonymous P. said...

Good for you! It reminds me of the holiday song, "Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the doooooor!" That's you, that's you on the road to being happy and in charge of your life!

When this situation happened to me, I had the opportunity to secretly mail box after box of important 'stuff' to my mom across the country, to keep it safe and to lessen the load when 'moving time' came around.

You might start thinking about what you need to take with you right off the bat. Important papers, keepsakes, things that Bub might dispose of out of spite, etc.

I wish you the best of spirits and strength. You can do it!!!!! You and Em deserve it!!!!Keep your chin up and your hand out of the cereal box!

P.

9:50 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Well, congratulations. You've decided to do it and formulated a plan. That's my girl. I know this is a hard road sweetie, but I want you to know that you are capable of doing this. It's going to suck every minute and then one day..it won't. And every day will be easier and you will be saying you are so glad you did.

I think April 1st is a fine day. Kinda like ripping off a bandaid, make it quick.

(((HUGS))) I am here for you all the way chica!

Love Ya!
Sandi :)

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

That's the Bev I know and love! Ripping the band-aid off is a great way to go. I am so glad you talked to the lawyer even through the tears. Now you have an advocate and you have plenty of support here as well. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help... REALLY!
Aunt Sandy

12:00 PM  
Blogger B said...

Aack! You guys weren't supposed to agree with the "ripping the bandaid off" approach! You were supposed to be my voices of reason, telling me to take my time and plan more throughly, so I could keep putting it off for as long as possible! Good lord, now I'm actually gonna have to do it, ug! ;D

Beverly

12:08 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Another vote for Bandaid ripping here....

I would also seriously consider NOT telling Em until the day, for a variety of reasons--the main one being she might resist and make it difficult for you.

That's something you will have to prepare yourself for--her possible negative reaction. I'm hoping she will be cooperative.

I'm sooooo proud of you sweetie!!!

2:59 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I too think the sooner and quicker the better. I'm so proud of you for following through with it.
When I divorced my ex, it all happened in less than 2 weeks once I learned of his cheating ways. :)

4:56 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

"You were supposed to be my voices of reason..."

Well, telling someone to leave a miserable situation quickly sounds reasonable to me! ;) Granted, I thinks its because we all know you won't go running out the door helter skelter, with only the clothes on your back. If you can make an organized move by April 1st, then go for it girl!

So glad you feel comfortable with the attorney and that he's set your mind at ease about a lot of things. I agree with not giving Emmy advance notice. You're the adult and as long as she understands that you've got things under control I'm sure you can make it look like an adventure.

Now you can stop thinking about it and actually start doing it. Full speed ahead, my dear. xox

6:25 PM  
Blogger WifeMomChocoholic said...

go go go -- the sooner the better!

3:22 PM  
Anonymous Charlotte said...

I'm so glad you talked to an attorney!!!! See? It wasn't so bad!!

Good luck, sweet pea.

5:34 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

OMG! I love your lawyer! He gave sound advice and seemed to really listen to you. I cannot tell you how relieved that makes me.
Don't back up now, woman! There's light, and you can see it.
April 1st--Bev's Independence Day.
Hugs and Grins!
Crystal*

6:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you and I'm with you all the way!!

Love, mom

9:49 PM  

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