Sunday, April 16, 2006

Well, I had myself a nice little meltdown on Thursday. It was bound to happen I suppose, and I'm certain it won't be the last time, but damn if it wasn't just the last thing I needed right now. I got to feeling overwhelmed, trying to make everything perfect and falling miserably short, and compromising some things that have become so important to me now like my commitment to exercise, which has more or less been put on the back burner far too often this week. I've also been turning to food for comfort, which royally pisses me off cause I honestly thought I wouldn't go down that road again. I thought I could handle it, but it's always the goddamned food, isn't it? I guess I should be grateful that drugs or alcohol are not my addictions of choice, something that could really compromise my abilities and my integrity on so many levels right now. So I did it, I went a little (or a lot) loopey and started questioning what exactly I was doing here, along with my reality and perception of what I know in my heart is an unacceptable situation. Y'know, the whole, what if I'm just being a big 'ol drama queen and it's really not as bad as I've made it out to be, routine. Blah, blah, blah, the self-doubt has been in full force. And the sheer panic over the reality of what it is that I'm about to freakin' do to all of our worlds. OMG, OMeffingG! Stop, breath... just breath. Okay.

So anyway, I reached out for help, which is so very difficult for me. As you all know, I'm a crier, not a talker, and I find it much easier to write my words than to speak them aloud. But I did it anyway cause I knew I had to, and I'm so thankful I did (thank you again Sandi, I love ya babe!). I am feeling better now, although emotionally drained, but that's to be expected I suppose. And now I'm just trying to go through the motions, getting shit done that needs doing, and trying not to think too much about it. I now have the phone transfer scheduled and the DSL ordered, the utilities started, I've purchased a microwave ($25.00 outta the paper, whoohoo!) and have begun taking things over that won't be missed. Of course I feel like there's too much to do and not enough time to do it in, but that's how I always feel. So I'm just gonna do what I can and try to let go of the rest, per the heartfelt advice of my kind and loving savior somewhere close to midnight Thursday. The truth is, everything I'm doing seems so surreal right now. It's like I can't even wrap my brain around what I'm about to do and the implications there of, so I feel sort of disjointed from the whole process. Like an out of body experience I suppose. But the way I see it, if the body can still function and get all this shit that I don't want to deal with done, then so be it. What ever it takes.

When I went in to pick up my mailbox key the other day, the apartment manager lady, Mary, handed me a little Easter gift bag she had made up for Em, "just in case the Easter Bunny was running short on time." As I thanked her I cried, how could I not? She worries about me, this stranger who knows little more than the fact that I'm leaving an unhealthy situation, who I can count the times I've spoken with on one hand, says she worries about me and can't stop thinking about me, and how she just wants everything to go as smoothly as possible. What a beautiful soul.

I managed to take Em to a big Easter event being held here in town without Bub Saturday morning. I've fretted about it all week, on one hand wanting to give her a nice, normal experience of a traditional Easter egg hunt, and on the other hand knowing such a thing simply is not possible with Bub around. So I finally got up the gumption to casually mention it in passing, emphasizing the parts he would dislike about the idea, in the hopes that he would not find it necessary to tag along, and it worked, thank god! So, while he snoozed his life away, we went out and had a wonderful, easy, relaxing time hunting for Easter eggs, playing games, getting her face painted and going on a hay ride, and even if only for a moment, we got to feel somewhat normal. And then we came home with hopes of coloring Easter eggs and enjoying the rest of our afternoon together... until he got up, and that was the end of that. I was preparing the coloring kit and Em was understandably excited so she was opening things and jumping the gun in an effort to move things along. I asked her to stop and to please be patient more than once, and that got him going. You need to listen, you need to do this, you need to do that, YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN! And when she did, her hand bumped the coloring tray, which popped up and fell back down. In Bub's view she picked up the tray and slammed it down, and that's all it took, because if that's what he saw, then that's how it was, period. Bitch bitch bitch, YOUR ATTITUDE, moan moan moan!! There will be no coloring Easter eggs until your attitude improves, blah blah blah, don't you think ? (to me) God, why couldn't he have just stayed asleep a little while longer? I knew she had just bumped the tray so I asked him to come into another room, cause I know better than to question him in front of her, (heaven forbid) and I tried to explain what actually happened. What was I thinking? Yell, rage, incompetent, inconsistent, unreliable, insulting, disrespectful, ineffective, untrustworthy, etc. Not necessarily his words, but more or less the point he was effectively conveying. I don't care if it's Easter or her birthday or Christmas or whatever, until her attitude is under control then she will get nothing! And it should be just as important to you, but you don't care about anything unless it affects you directly. She's selfish, rude and inconsiderate and I WILL NOT RAISE A HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT! We are in this together and I expect you to back me up on all this, 100%. As long as you let her get away with this stuff, she'll never change and neither will you. You have to be on top of her about every single little thing until she gets the picture that even the smallest amount of attitude will not be tolerated by either of us, and until she fixes it. I know you let her act out of hand all day long and then leave it up to me to be the bad guy and punish her for everything you should have punished her for already. You undermine everything I'm trying so hard to teach her. And how dare you question what I saw, that's just insulting and IT PISSES ME OFF! Blah blah blah. In the end, it was up to me to tell her that we decided that she would not be coloring Easter eggs because of her attitude, and that just maybe, if she showed enough improvement, we might let her do it later. She was heartbroken, almost as much as me, I think. She knows I had to, she understands why I did it, but that still doesn't mean it's okay. It only means that I've managed to let her down once again. At least I was able to give her a partially normal day. Now to just get through Easter...

I can't help but think about what kind of parent he's gonna try to make me out to be. I know Sandi, I know, but the fear is there nonetheless, and I can't seem to let go of it.

It's Sunday morning now, Easter morning. We were able to color Easter eggs after all, Bub participated. No major problems, just quick and tense. Then we went to play miniature golf and managed to get through that with only a few bad moments, much better than the last time we went. He talked at me for another hour or two about future plans, what he's doing (and expecting me to be a part of) to generate income by working from home, yet another of his business ideas. Talking about how he expects to have this up and running by next weekend and that by the end of the month, yadda yadda yadda. Not even an inkling of what I'm about to do to his world, dear god he's gonna be... I can't even think of a word for his rage that would fit.

I just realized that I forgot to check with Bub first about whether or not to allow Em to have her Easter basket before he gets up, which probably won't be until about noon. Now it won't matter, I'll be damned if I do and damned if I don't. Whether I make her wait or let her open it right away doesn't make a difference, he'll say he expected the opposite of which ever I do, it's a no win situation. I considered being frozen in indecision like I usually do, but I figure, what the hell, I'll just do what I want, (let her have it right away) and just deal with whatever happens, which could end up being nothing at all, you just never know. Besides, what's the worst he could do? They're just words, and they always end... eventually. Sticks and stones.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there. The end is in sight!

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Yes, the end is in sight. There will not be another Easter or Christmas with this man. There will not be another SATURDAY with this man, even! But please prepare so you can record and save his messages on e-mail/phone later on. It can't hurt to have those...

And good for you for reaching out for help when you needed it.

I think it's a very good idea to not over-emotionalize every little thing you do this week. Just go through the motions, get the stuff done. There will be plenty of time for fretting later, safe and sound in your own home! This week will fly by, and it will be the most important turning point in your life, I'm sure of it. So write, write, write -even if you don't post. You will want to look back on this week next year :)

Beverly, my thoughts are with you this coming week. I'm convinced you can do this!

PS. Don't forget to grab Mr Precious :)

4:16 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Oooh - that last remark sounded kinda' naughty: "grabbing Mr Precious". Hehehe!

Sorry! ;-)

4:19 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

It made my stomach hurt just to read that! I am *SO* glad you will be outta there soon!


9:01 AM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Bev, Honey, I am so proud of you! You are taking steps to eliminate that AH from your life and Em's. Head up, deep breath.
You can and will do it. Give me a call if you need to vent.
Hugs and super hugs,
Aunt Sandy

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The finish line is in sight, and we're all there waiting for you and cheering you on. Just one step at a time, one breath at a time. Stay focused on all the bullshit you won't have to deal with anymore. Focus on how sane and normal Em is going to grow up now that you both won't be in that environment. You can do it!

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

(((HUGS))) Make sure you take my number with ya!! :)

I was very happy to finally give back to someone who has been sooooo supportive in my weight loss journey. There is no one else out there like you kid!!! :)

It's only natural that you would begin to second-guess yourself. After all this is a pretty big life changing event.

Just a few more days!!!

11:43 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Let people help you.

So glad your landlady is there for you!

I will be praying for a smooth transition for you both.

12:57 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Beverly my heart just goes out to you. It is less than what 3 days now. Just hang in there and you will get through this. Like the others have said, you won't have to go through this again.

2:37 PM  
Blogger chryscat said...

It's about to get one hell of a lot better. For you and Em. Thank God.
And you'll be able to breathe a little easier and to live the life you were meant to live.

8:03 PM  

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