DIS-NEY-LAND!

Yep, Disneyland. That's my big news. The hell you say? No really, it's true, Disneyland! But how is that even possible you ask? All due to the most amazingly fabulous woman I know; my mom. And no, I'm not just saying that because you happen to be reading this post you silly goose, it's true and I hope you really believe it. My wonderful mother (whom I made sure to check with before posting details) has offered to fly Em and I back home (home being CA, where I grew up) for a much needed and long overdue vacation, one that I simply couldn't pass up. Though how I tried, oh yes! As the thought of such a mammoth undertaking simply scares the bejeebers outta me! I know, I know, I'm neurotic, but this is a BIG freakin' deal! Seriously Jilly, I don't get how you can enjoy such extensive travel as you do, I would be an absolute basket case, I swear! Anyway, since my stepdad is a highly talented and vital puter nerd at PIXAR, and with the recent buyout by Disney, all PIXAR employees now get some pretty smokin' fringe benefits, like their own Disney Silver Passes, which basically gets the bearer and up to 3 guests into any of the parks for free. Yeah baby, now that's what I'm talkin' bout!! How freakin' cool is that? So not only do I get to go home and see family that I haven't seen in years (and who haven't seen me in person since I was 320+ lbs., I might add!) and go to the beach, (ahhhhh, the beeeeeaaaaaach!) but I get to take Em to the magical world of Disney, which is something that I'd likely never have the opportunity to do on my own. It's just too good to be true, and I honestly can't believe how lucky we really are. This is all set to happen in a mere two weeks, (YIKES that's soon! Breathe, just breathe) and we will be gone for an entire week. Perhaps even more if my boss thinks the church ladies can handle my absence for a few days longer, but I'm still waiting to hear back from him on that one. Anyway, the plans are to spend a couple of days at Disney, then fly back north to my childhood home for several more days of fun and visiting family. I think a tour of PIXAR's studios is definitely in the works, along with a day at the beach, another in San Francisco, and yet another taking my stepdad's boat out for a spin! All that and a whole lotta catching up with my fabulous grandma (you know the one, my favorite dirty joke connection), and my lovely Aunt Sandy who's been so publicly supportive throughout my recent, uh... adventures here in my blog. Plus my uncle (her husband) and all of my cousins who I grew up with and spent every holiday and family get together with until I foolishly and impulsively moved here to Arkansas as a teenager. But I'll not rehash that whole saga, as the past is just that and not worthy of revisiting. Plus, as you all know, it is my belief that everything in life happens for a reason, so my ignorant desire to travel the path of least resistance by moving here to AR (ahhh, that damn hindsight, always 20/20 ain't it?) only proved to show me my true purpose for walking this planet; to have and raise my beautifully precocious little diva, Miss Em. Anyway, Em is, of course, just beside herself with excitement, and chalk full of questions about our upcoming adventure. Will we stay in a hotel, and does said hotel have a pool? (Oh yeah baby, they have a pool alright! Check out the virtual tour here.) Do I get a window seat on the plane? What kind of rides do they have at Disney, am I big enough for them, are they scary? Do I have to hug the characters when they greet us? Are you gonna make me do or try something I don't want to? (holdover fears from life with Bub) Etc, etc... So I'm trying to reassure her and give her as much info as possible so she won't worry and stress unnecessarily, (gee, wonder where she gets that from?) so she can just look forward to this experience with all the restless impatience of any typical 8-year-old going on such a major vacation. I think it's working too, as the child simply could not drift off to sleep last night due to thinking about all the fun and excitement at hand. Good lord, how is she ever gonna make it for the next two weeks? I told her that sleep is an absolute requirement between now and then! After all, she can't show up at Disneyland sleep deprived and exhausted, now can she? Poor thing!

Now, to shift gears slightly for just a moment, as I must briefly expound on the sheer relief and excitement of being able to take this dream vacation without the tension and ominous presence of Bub around. I'm not sure if I can accurately relate just what this really means to me, but as I've stated before, trips/vacations/family outings/etc. were always an absolute nightmare with him. So much so that even the thought or mention of such automatically drew my stomach into knots and sent my heart a racing. He always wanted to plan things like camping trips, going to amusement parks, or just the typical Saturday out to a meal and the movies, since he's such a "family man" and all (even if it's in his own twisted way) so I had to give into it and appease him regularly as to avoid problems. Thus we've spent many an agonizing outing trying desperately to fit into the unrealistic mold of Bub's ideal family, and typically failing miserably. There was always this constant tension and worry of messing up and getting into trouble, cause believe me, he had no shame when it came to lecturing us in public. Not only that, but our money management styles are vastly different as well (heh, now that's an understatement!) so there was always an underlying financial tension along with everything else. But now that I've been afforded this once in a lifetime opportunity, the realization that I get to enjoy it free of tension, humiliation, and eggshells is simply amazing. No "compromises", sacrifices or coercion to do things his way just to keep him happy and not set him off unnecessarily. I will have complete control over how my spending money is used, and I'll still be able to pay my phone bill when all is said and done (which is more than I can say for him right now, as his has been disconnected). We'll be free to be ourselves and act and do as we want, rather than what is best for him and his current mood. Em will not be forced to do something she is uncomfortable with, like hugging Minnie (totally not her thing), nor will she be disallowed from enjoying all that Disney has to offer because of some minor infraction that once again proves to him her inadequacy or lack of judgment or respect somehow. We get to just go and be. Ahhhh, what could be better than that? :)

And y'know what else just occurred to me? I have to wonder how much of my neurotic inability to plan and implement any sort of travel or major event stems from having to do so with the "Bub factor" in play for all those years? Not that he's the root of my issues, by any means, as I am very much neurotic in my own right, but I seem to recall a time when major upcoming events weren't automatically met with dread and fear. I mean, I've always been overwhelmed easily, and tended to give up whenever things proved more difficult than expected, but now with this trip looming near, I just feel different somehow. Sure, I'm freaked out by the thought of all that needs to be done in preparation (like figuring out what to pack, making sure the bills are paid and that the cat will be cared for, etc.) but I'm not freaked out in a bad way as in years past. This is an exciting, adventure filled freak out, one that I'm actually looking forward to and am feeling up to the challenge of, rather than my typical trepidation, avoidance, and procrastination. So, whaddaya think, is it possible that this is just the tip of the iceburg, so to speak? Could I really be turning over a new leaf as I learn how to stop being such a freak-a-zoid about these things? Nahhhhh, I wouldn't go that far! I'll always be a neurotic mess when it comes to major events and decisions, but perhaps I can at least learn how to manage it better now. Hey, I'll take what I can, it's a start, right?! ;D