Thursday, September 29, 2005

More rambling

I've been feeling like I'm just going through the motions, waiting for the other shoe to drop for quite a while now. For so long, my life has been completely wrapped up in health and weight loss, and now it seems like I've lost my purpose. Although, I can't say that I've ever really had a purpose, or felt like I did, at least. Before I began this journey, I happily went along with the wonderfully convenient excuse that I was too fat to bother with hopes, dreams, or goals. I didn't have to face the fact that I wasn't achieving any kind of greatness in this life because none was expected of me, either from myself or others. Oh, there's always time for this or that... once I'm skinny. That's when I can really start living the life I want... when I'm skinny. All the while, I kept right on plowing my way through another pint of Ben & Jerry's, another dish of my cheesy potato casserole. Because, as far as I can tell, I believed that as long as I never got skinny, I would never have to actually face living, or the fact that I really wasn't. So, now what? Yeah, I'm skinny now, no glitz or glory, no fireworks or opportunities magically knocking at my door. I believe in fate, yes, I believe that everything in this life happens for a reason, and that it's all part of a greater plan that I may never be privy to. But because of this belief, I allow myself to "wait and see" about almost everything I want or do. Like, if I don't make decisions or take action for long enough, then the decision will be made for me and the responsibility taken out of my hands. This allows me to chalk it all up to fate, as in, that's how it was meant to be, and not have to be held accountable for anything in my life. I find myself putting things off more and more lately. Saying I'll do that when... When what? When I'm skinny? No, that one doesn't quite work anymore, now does it? When I have more control over my own life? Well when the fuck is that gonna be? Never, at the rate I'm going. It's like I'm waiting. Waiting for what ever is supposed to happen that will signify the beginning of my real life. The life I believe is meant for me. Do I think it's just gonna fall in my lap, what ever this is that I'm supposed to do with my life? Yes, I think I do believe that. I think that what ever is supposed to happen, will happen, and when it does I'll be able to get on with living the life I want, or am meant to.

I go through each day, just trying to make it through to the next, without any major upsets or drama. I do the same damn thing, day in and day out, and can get quite pissy when anything happens to disrupt my routine. And it occurs to me that I am stuck, perpetually turning my wheels in this endless rut. And that it's gonna take a major upset to finally propel me into action. I've been biding my time, and it has gotten me nowhere, except more deeply enveloped in a life I do not want. It's like I think I'm gonna just wake up one day, free of my marriage or fabulously wealthy, or some other wishful thought. So I'm spending each day waiting, waiting for something that will never happen unless I make it happen, and putting my real life on hold until that day finally arrives. Once again, it goes back to that whole fate issue. I believe that if these things are meant to be, then they will just happen for me. But I can't go through life just waiting for all the good things to happen for me. Because, what happens when, at the end of this life, I have the opportunity to look back at how I've lived and realize that I never really did? That my life was spent waiting for something better to come along, and now it's too late to do anything about it. I like having nothing to upset my daily routine, it makes me feel safe and stable somehow, in what has proven to be a very unstable and volatile life and marriage thus far. Yet I am bored and unfulfilled, and wondering just what's the point? Sure, I may make it through this day without any drama, but for what? Just to live the next day, doing the exact same thing? I have nothing to work towards anymore. I have achieved my weight loss and fitness goals, and now that I don't have that to focus on anymore, what am I supposed to do with myself. My whole life has been wrapped up in my weight in one way or another, and now, I guess I'm just lost. I can only assume that it goes back to my idealized thinking that once the weight was off, my life would somehow be perfect. And in realizing that it's not, now I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Geez, my head is all over the place today, I hope this is making some sense. I guess my point is that I'm stuck. Stuck in a life I never dreamed for myself, yet I feel helpless to do anything about. But doing something about it is the only way I'm ever going to find happiness. My life can only be as great as I make it, and right now I'm doing nothing to make it great, except waiting for it to be made great for me. And I gotta tell ya, it really isn't working for me anymore. Not that it ever did, I suppose. I want so much more. I plan and dream about so much more. And I expect that some day I will be free of the ties that bind me, although I have no idea how. But still, I expect it, nevertheless, like I somehow feel entitled to happiness. What makes me so arrogant to think that I deserve happiness, without actually having to put forth the effort to achieve it? Those who have it, had to work damn hard for it. They had to go through the bad to get to the good. And only now, can they reap the fruits of their labor. Nothing was just handed to those who've achieved true happiness, they've earned it through their own blood, sweat, and tears. So what makes me think that I'm any better, or more entitled to it, that it should just come to me rather than me finding it? My belief in fate? C'mon, I can't just leave my life up to fate anymore, 'cause look at where that has gotten me- nowhere. I have to make it what I want it to be. I have to do the work, I have to earn it. But the idea that I have to be responsible for my own fate scares the shit out of me. The thought of taking action, any action, paralyzes my into in-action. Because if I mess up, if I make the wrong choices, the only one I'll have to blame is myself. Right now I can point the finger of blame at everyone and everything else. Why wouldn't I? I certainly don't want to be responsible for the way I've turned out! I can say Bub's the problem, or money's the problem, or my decision to move here as a teenager, or ever being born. What ever it is, it doesn't matter, because they were my decisions to make (well, maybe not the being born one, but you get my point!). I did this to myself, and I am the only one who can undo it. The same held true with my weight. No one forced me to become or remain obese all my life. I single-handedly managed that one all by myself. Sure, I may have been born with some crappy genetics, and I never really learned how to manage a healthy relationship with food. But that doesn't mean that I couldn't have overcome these obstacles, I just never decided to until now. It was always up to me, yet I just waited. I waited for the magic bullet to come along and cure me of my fatness without having to put any real work into it. Because I felt like, if it was meant to be, it would happen. How? I dunno, but it just would. I remember laying in bed at night as a child just begging and pleading, please just let me wake up thin tomorrow. I put so much time and effort into daydreaming about what my life would be like if I were thin, that it never occurred to me that I could focus that energy on making myself thin. That's too hard, it takes planning and depriving, and hard work. I really believed that something would come along eventually, and until then I could continue on living the way I was and blaming everyone and everything else for my fatness. While using it as an excuse not to do or be better. Using it as an excuse not to be responsible for myself. So do you see how my struggle with weight correlates to my struggle to find happiness? It's the same damn thing! Yet here I sit, finally thin, yet unwilling to make the necessary changes I need to find happiness. Why not? It clicked for my about my weight, so why not about this?

Geez, I feel like I'm just going in circles here. I continue to ramble as if I expect some sort of epiphany. What exactly do I expect to figure out, that I don't already know? I guess the ramble is just that; a ramble. Because it makes me feel better to get it all out. Well, I guess that's just about enough rambling for now. But I do feel better, at least! ;D

7 Comments:

Blogger Luflic said...

Perhaps you are bored. Find your passion and then put your loving heart into helping someone else.
Find ways to voulenteer. You will feel so good about yoursel when you have a purpose. The library is always looking for people to help others read, or learn english. I visit women in our local jail. There are endless opportunities at Em school and this would give you great opportunity to really know her friends. Delivering meals on wheels working in a nursing home I don't know what interests you have but I am sure you are passionate about something. You are a very hard worker or you wouldn't have had the success you have! I know right now that my weight is my top priority because it is the first time in my life I have put me first and I am feeling a little selfish about it. But for now I have to finally own up to it and do it. Well girl you have DONE it and I know how much time energy and committment it took. I think now you have too much empty time on your hands. But then what do I know. Sorry about such a long post hope this doesn't offend you in any way! I admire you so much! You are a true inspiration to me!

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beverly - how about some therapy? I think it really could help you sorth these things out. Unfortunately, thin or fat, you are still the same person. Don't wait until "fate" decides for you. Take control of your life!

2:29 PM  
Blogger Haloranch said...

Why not approach local schools or service clubs, like Rotary, and ask if they would like you to give a motivational talk on weight loss? God knows you're an expert on that. You can be as blunt and honest as you like, or sugar coat it a bit, depeneding on your audience. It's a message that lots of teenage girls would benefit from hearing.

3:44 PM  
Blogger kathrynoh said...

Is it possible to analyse what work for you with your weight loss and then apply the same principles to the rest of your life. For example, you didn't lose weight overnight but through lots of baby steps.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beverly, by losing all that weight you proved that you could make major changes in your life. One change down, more to go! You might consider picking one area of your life that isn't working for you, and make one small change and see what happens. When I realized I was bored, lonely, depressed, and terribly unfufilled, I overcame started volunteering, although that first step of going to the orientation was really difficult. I became the volunteer of the year three years later, then was asked to join the staff. It all started with that first realization that I needed to take control of my own life, or I was going to piss it away. The fact that people needed me was a huge motivator for me, and the more I started to get involved, the more self-confidence I gained. Part of my job was public speaking, something I would have cringed at before I forced myself to do it and got over that fear. Your weight was a challenge to you and you threw yourself into that challenge. I have no doubt whatsoever that you will conquer your fears and change your life for the better.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Haloranch said...

You know, another idea might be to join Weight Watchers as a leader.

Even though you lost the weight on your own and not through Weight Watchers, they may be delighted at getting someone with your tremendous success to lead a class in your area. Check it out. The worst that can happen is they say no.

10:35 AM  
Anonymous jilly said...

Glad to see all the positive responses and fine suggestions you're getting here! My lengthy (as usual) comments will tend to be cliche ridden, but I feel they fit:

"Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out and meet it". Granted, you've already come to the conclusion that your life won't magically change without you putting effort into it, but don't we all wish for the instant "fix" (who doesn't buy lottery tickets)? You've learned from your weight-loss experience that it takes a lot of hard work, patience and drive to glean success, but you have to have the proper mindset to set out on such a journey. That sense of purpose came to you once, no doubt it'll come to you again and then they'll be no stopping you!

"You can't change the past". Show me one person who hasn't made poor choices in the past and I'll show you someone who's never had the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. Thing is, we tend to dwell on what we did wrong rather than embrace the knowledge that empowers us. Let go of the "could'a, should'a, would'a" mentality and focus on the lessons learned and use them to shape your future!

"I'm in my comfort zone". Strange how we're loathe to leave that zone even when it provides very little comfort at all. Yes, there is a sense of control in not disrupting your routine, even if it leaves you bored and unfulfilled ~ its not what you want, but its safe, uncomplicated and doesn't take much thought or energy. Problem is, when you come to the point where you’re expending so much thought and energy into how dissatisfied you are in your “zone” then you lose a lot of the comfort, don’t you?

"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't”. Well, that was my mantra for years. At your age I was dissatisfied with my marriage, job and pretty much life in general (except for my daughter). Yet, even though I wanted to make changes, I was afraid that as unhappy and unfulfilled as I was, making a big change could be exchanging one misery for another and I just didn't have the strength to face that. That's why it took me a few years to actually take action ~ I had to plan meticulously and have a backup plan. Sure it wasn’t easy at first and at times it did feel like a different devil had entered my life, but there's nothing like being independent and the knowledge that you're working towards a better life for yourself and your child to build your confidence and make you believe you can succeed!

Personally, I don't believe that everything happens for a reason (I can't fathom the reason behind a child's death, for example). I think some things happen because life can be cruel, some happen because of incredible luck (in the way I was able to find the love of my life when I least expected to) and others happen because YOU make it happen. There are things you can change and others you have no control over. I figure much of your fate and destiny is directly related to your own actions. That makes more sense to me than the thought of life being predestined from birth.

You’re a bright, articulate, creative and thoughtful person who’s obviously mired in longstanding self-doubt and trepidation. I’m not sure how you can approach overcoming that, but truly believe a healthy dose of confidence would work wonders. Write the book, Beverly. You have so much to say to help others and give you purpose and satisfaction at the same time. Its an inexpensive exercise and you have the time and opportunity without having to make those drastic change that scare you so much. Make your own fate, darlin’!

11:57 AM  

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