Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Thanks Dawnyal, if only it were that simple. The truth of the matter is, my husband doesn't get disallowed from doing anything, unless he so chooses. In fact, if I ever did give that a try, not only would he do it more just to spite me or teach me a lesson, but I would also be subjected to a lengthy lecture on every single one of the points that makes me wrong or bad for doing such a thing in the first place. I know, pretty fucked up right? Don't ask me why I allow myself to continue on like this, our relationship is what it is. In fact, I can't help but take ownership for a lot of it since I fully believe that you teach others how to treat you, like Dr. Phil says. I did this to myself with each time I didn't voice my opinion and allowed myself to succumb to his will. It just got to be easier not to bother, and now this is what I'm left with.

Jilly... just send me the bill for your tongue stitches! Thanks for being my friend.

So, he actually entertained the idea of getting a night job to supplement our income a bit. We'll see how far he's willing to take that though. And get this, knowing my desperate desire for him to do so, he actually asked if I wanted him to try to get a "real job" in his field, just to make me happy. Well duh!! Of course I do, it's what I've always wanted! But then he countered it by saying, "even though it would make me soooo miserable and that you know it's not what I want to do, and of course we'd have to relocate since there's nothing like that for me here." My guess is that he was just feeling me out to see if I would be the supportive wife or not, since that's one of his major lecture points. Well, I guess he's trained me well, I bit my tongue like usual. I'm so pathetic and weak when it comes to him, it makes me want to vomit! You know, I'm really not like that (to this extent anyway) with anyone else. So why am I, with the most important person of all, my spouse? It kills me when I see other couples with the relationship I wish I had. You know, a partnership, 50/50 with mutual respect and compassion. That really isn't too much to ask, is it? Listen to me whining, poor me! Like I didn't do this to myself, as if I didn't make my own damn choices. God, I'm feeling cynical today! It's time I quit my bitching and get over it already. Okay, I'm done.

So, I got the low down on Em's real issues with Social Studies. Apparently, it's not that she doesn't understand it, it's that she's board and purposefully not paying attention! That little heifer! And she's even been reprimanded by her teacher for her lack of attention and participation in the question and answer sessions. All of this was frantically confessed to me when I told her of my intentions to meet with her teacher about finding ways to help her to grasp the material more easily. So, we had a big talk and she said knows that she's been slacking off. I reminded her of how special she feels when she gets singled out for a job well done and that this stuff is still her responsibility, regardless of how boring it may be. She was feeling badly, and more importantly, she was disappointed in herself, so she has promised a renewed interest and pride taken in her schoolwork, and says I can expect to see a vast improvement immediately, which is something I plan to hold her to. And when I asked her about it after school today, she said that she stayed completely focused and was able to answer all questions quickly and accurately. Aaaaand, she said her teacher had a progressively warmer smile for her with each new correct answer. Atta girl!

Now, a bit of alarming news. It seems there was quite a scare at school today, as was explained in a memo from the principal, sent home to all of the parents. Apparently, an unidentified man entered the school from an unknown location and roamed around the school without performing the mandatory office sign-in and receiving a name badge. As soon as this man was noticed in the building the entire school went into automatic lock-down which included the students and faculty lining up against the inside wall of their classrooms and sitting quietly with the lights out. What followed were several minutes of hushed, anxiety filled silence as the children crouched, expectedly awaiting word of an all clear. Luckily the intruder was quickly stopped and arrested for trespassing without incident. They believe that he may have been intoxicated or disoriented somehow, and actually meant no harm to anyone. Whew! I have to admit, as Em was describing the incident to me, I really kind of lost it. The thought of some strange man walking around her school while she cowered in terror, wondering just what his intentions could possibly be. I couldn't help but lose it, just as I can't help crying now as I recall the awful story. I mean, not only did I not know what was happening at the time, but I also couldn't have done a damn thing to save her from what ever might happen! Almost immediately, thoughts of Columbine and our own Jonesboro school shootings here in Arkansas several years ago frantically shot through my mind, and I realized just how easily we could have ended up on the 6:00 news. As my tears started to fall, her own sprang forth and she asked me, "Momma, why are you crying?" I explained that it was because I was scared and relieved that she was okay, all at the same time. So when she crumpled into my arms, she confided in me just how scared she really had been. And as we sat there together for a while, holding on to each other, almost as if for dear life, I couldn't help but think, my god, what would I do if anything ever happened to her? A thought just too painful to bear.


Blogger Dawnyal said...

You know it is much easier to maintain the status quo and a lot less of a headache or so it seems. I don't fault you for staying and putting up with what you do. Hopefully he'll wisen up and realize what a wonderful woman he married.

Yeah for getting to the bottom of her social studies and that is scary about what happened at school. I'm glad to hear that they did at least send home notes with the kids to let the parent's know what happened. I hope they also teach the kids to look for visitors without tags and point them out to teachers.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Since you're determined to stay with bub (for now, anyway) I was thinking about how you hold more power in the family than you probably realize. After all, its YOU who has the regular income, YOU who provides his creature comforts (I presume you cook and clean for him) and YOU who does the driving when he needs to be somewhere. Perhaps if he was made to realize that he needs you more than you need him he might think twice. He obviously thrives on "getting to you" through manipulation and guilt, but if you took the power out of his sails by turning on your heel and leaving the room when he starts his nonsense, what recourse does he have? You know there's no point arguing back or trying to put forth your point of view, so instead just say "I'm not in the mood for a lecture ~ I'm going for a walk" and do exactly that. Granted, you'll probably put in a few miles before it has any effect on him, but honestly, once he sees he's not getting to you, what's he gonna do? I dunno, its worth a try and doesn't take much more energy than not bothering to put up a fight at all.

Glad the little one fessed up and resolved her social studies issue (the little minx) ;)

As for the incident at the school, its terrible to think of those kids huddling scared in the dark because someone wandered into the school. I know its necessary, but its a sad commentary on the times.

10:02 PM  

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