Saturday, September 24, 2005

Oh crap! Long-winded, cynical post ahead. Readers beware!

I wonder just how often I've settled in life due to my obesity? If I had a nickel for every time, surely I'd be one rich lady. But, as I ponder the question, it occurs to me how all-encompassing my perceived unworthiness really has been. In case you're wondering, I've been reading a lot of other's blogs lately and this seems to be a common thread. Which, of course, got me thinking, and we all know the kind of trouble my thinking can cause! But really, I can follow the trail right down to giving up some of the most basic, fundamental rights that I, as a human being, have just because I felt unworthy or un-entitled. The pretty, popular girl should get the better... whatever, you name it. Why? Why not? I certainly don't deserve it, surely she must. You want my seat? Sure! You want my pretty butterfly eraser? But of course! You want the recognition for the mutual project I completed on my own? Why not? You want the boy I like? Well, I'm sure he likes you more anyway. You want the very air I breath? Might as well, why should it be wasted on me? I'll never be pretty, popular, smart, or accomplished. I'm never going to make an impact on this world in any useful or meaningful manner. Why? Well, because I'm fat of course! I am stupid, dirty, smelly, and lacking self control. My thoughts and opinions couldn't possibly be valid, since I so obviously don't care enough about myself to put down that goddamned brownie and get off my fat, lazy ass. How could I ever feel entitled to live like I belong in this society if I can't even control some of my most basic human functions, what could I possibly add? I have settled in life, love, happiness, you name it, because I didn't feel like I could do, or deserve any better. I never bothered to try to fit in, I didn't to the big hair thing of the '80's because, #1 who was I to think that I could be like them? And they would have just made even more fun of me if I tried anyway. And #2, I was simply too fat and lazy to put forth the effort. I've never bothered to try to dress nicely or wear makeup with any regularity. What's the point, I'd still be fat. I was never enough of a priority for myself to even put forth the effort. And, frankly, no one ever expected more of me anyway, so why even bother?

You know what's funny? I still constantly forget that I am now an acceptable member of society. I am startled when people make eye contact with me, or ask my opinion out of genuine interest. I forget that I'm not still fat, and I often speak about myself as if I were. And, of course, I still behave as if I were as well. I still automatically put others' wants, needs, opinions, etc. above my own, because I still feel like I have no right them. Maybe it's because I am still that fat girl, whether I look like her or not. She is me, I am her. The behaviors I've learned as that fat girl did not just go away now that I'm considered "normal". That is 25 freaking years of conditioning right there, which cannot just be switched off now that I'm thin. And I still don't make an effort to fit in, even now. I don't wear makeup, I don't buy nice clothes. I'm not worth the money or time. I constantly allow myself to be run over, manipulated, and put down because I still feel inferior. No wonder I am willing to put up with what I do, I don't honestly believe I deserve any better, because underneath it all, I am still just that fat girl who's desperately looking for love and acceptance, and who is willing to put up with and do almost anything I can to get it. Geez, you think a little therapy may be in order here?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I got directed to your site by Dietgirl. Hope you don't mind me commenting. You should check out a website called Granted it's a website about housework (which may seem odd) but her basic premise is that you must look after yourself first and value yourself before you can effectively look after other people. It definitely sounds like you need to learn it's ok to put your own needs first.
Your husband sounds like bit of a problem. Have you thought about moving all the money you earn out of a joint account and into your own private one. Leave enough in the joint account for an "allowance" for him. But if he doesn't have access to the cash for the bills, he can't spend it. He sounds like he builds himself up, by knocking you down. It looks like you've already recognised his behaviour for what it is.
Perhaps, you could turn it around and ask him what benefit is there for you to have him around. He seems to be a drain on resources, he's treating you like a meal ticket, and your child is wary of him....
You are worthy of your space in the world, you write beautifully, you are allowed to hold opinions and have it count for something.
I apologise if I overstepped the mark with my comments.
Wendy (wearywendy at hotmail dot com)

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Ali said something over in 3FC about the importance of being your own friend rather than your own enemy. I saw you commented favourably on the idea and hoped you would really take that sentiment to heart. It doesn't matter how often we, and others who care about you, say how worthy you are, how intelligent, eloquent, tender, funny, sweet, perceptive and loyal, what a wonderful, caring mother you are and talk of your strength, determination and amazing accomplishment in regard to your weight and health, or compliment you on your beautiful fawnlike eyes, babysoft hair and sparkling smile, tell you that you deserve happiness as much as the next person, or insist that its perfectly okay to whine, complain and bitch about your life without worrying that people will think less of you for being human ~ yes we can say all that, but until you decide to be your own friend and try to see yourself as others do, our words will fall on deaf ears. I don't know what it'll take for you to be able to do that (perhaps time or therapy) but I'm looking so forward to the day it happens because it'll truly be life altering. I have no doubt it WILL happen though, because I have faith in you girl!

2:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man your post made me want to eat Oreos it took me so far back to when that would help! I've totally felt like that too! Although I started "pretending" that I was happy and worth all the things I didn't think I was worth. And every day pretending got a little easier until I wasn't pretending any more! Now I genuinely believe that I am worth my Armani lipstick ;)

10:44 AM  

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