An interesting observation.

Friday night, as I munched my way through my massive salad, it occurred to me about half way through it, that I really wasn't hungry anymore. Not stuffed, or even full, just not hungry anymore. So, of course, I stopped eating, right? Well, hell no! I just kept right on chowing down. Why? Well, a few different reasons, I think. #1. It tastes so damn good! #2. I told myself, it's not like it was a big ass bowl of ice cream, this stuff is good for me so I might as well keep eating it, right? It couldn't hurt. Hmmm, let's come back to that one, 'cause that's just too effed up for one obligatory statement to cover. #3. I reasoned with myself that I needed the calories, which were no more than usual, but as I've mentioned before, I feel as though my body fat percentage has gotten too low, and I don't particularly like the way my bones seem to protrude from my too thin, saggy skin. So, I've been consciously trying to eat a little more, especially more good fats, in an effort to "fill out" a bit. Because of this, I certainly didn't want to eat any less than I normally would, so I finished the damn thing off even though I knew I was no longer hungry. So, that got me thinking, (oh-oh, here we go again!) wasn't the point of this whole thing (besides losing weight and saving my life) to learn how to effectively manage my messed up relationship with food? Here's where we go back to #2. My body clearly let me know that I didn't want or need any more to eat, and I recognized the cue, which I know is major in of itself, yet I chose to ignore what my body was telling me, and finish the bowl off anyway. Why? Because it was "good" for me? Because "it wouldn't hurt"? WTF! It's still the same 'ol bad habits, even if it is with healthier foods. So, yeah, it does hurt because it contradicts the new, good habits that I'm so earnestly trying to follow, regardless of what kind of food it is. It's like I've moved my focus from junk food to healthier food, but the underlying issues that contributed to my obesity in the first place, are still ever present. I can and do still binge from time to time, but more often than not, it's on something like strawberries or cucumbers. Not saying that I don't also still binge on the same 'ol junky food, but I purposely limit my access to those foods simply because I still have trouble controlling myself around them. But the "healthy" stuff, I have unlimited access to, and allow myself more freedom with because of their good nutritional value. But that doesn't change the fact that when I overeat or binge on them, that's it's still an unhealthy manifestation of my messed up relationship with food. So, in my almost 2 years of maintenance, (OMG, it is almost 2 years! This month in fact!) I still haven't resolved some pretty major factors that go directly to the core of why I became and remained fat for my entire life.

Hmmmm, thinking again... oh-oh! I realize that I'll never be "cured" of my addiction, but I guess I thought I had, or at least, should have, made more progress with the "head stuff" by now. Or, perhaps, just the fact that I can recognize these tendencies for what they are now, (well, most of the time anyway!) means that real and meaningful progress has been made, but my propensity towards perfectionism clouds my perception of success. I guess the idea that these issues can or should be resolved at all is ridiculous, since resolving them would, in essence, be curing me of my addiction, which is in complete contradiction to what I know to be true. This disease is something that I will be dealing and living with, day in and day out, for the rest of my life. Plain and simple. Losing the weight has not changed my core being; the way my brain processes impulse, desire, and control. It has only changed the way I manage these issues. I will always be a "fat girl" at heart, mind, and soul. But the fat girl just happens to come in a smaller, healthier package now. Yeah, I guess I can live with that. After all, I am still, and perhaps always will be, just a work in progress.