Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Em's dream and my letter(s)

This morning, on the way to school, Em told me about a disturbing dream she had last night. She said we were at the movies and Bub got mad at me for not thinking to get him some snacks while getting Em some. She said he started screaming and strangling me in a fit of rage, so she kicked him to make him stop. Then he turned on her and started screaming at her and spanking her over and over and over and over and just wouldn't stop. This relentless spanking is the technique he used for breaking her will when she was younger to ensure complete obedience. It's bad enough that she remembers these horrifying experiences, but even worse that I did nothing to stop it. It's one of the many things that I will regret and be ashamed of for the rest of my life. Anyway, then she said I jumped on him and pulled him away from her and then the police came and took him to jail. There was actually more to it than that, but you get the gist. I gotta tell ya, my heart was just breaking throughout the entire recollection. I mean, good lord, what must be going through that poor little head of hers? I pulled over towards the end and just held her and tried to reassure her as best I could that everything was gonna be okay, and that it's not up to her to worry about this stuff or try to protect us, that I've got it all handled. Ya think she bought it?

So, I've been busily drafting the letter I intend to leave for Bub upon my our departure, and I have a few versions that I would love to get some feedback on if you don't mind.

The first is my short and sweet version, no explanations, just the facts. Here goes...

I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, which is what this undoubtedly is. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to adhere to my wishes, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, but not until I feel you've had sufficient time to accept this as reality and to gather enough control of your senses to keep from reacting in a way that we'd all regret. I'll also make sure Em calls you as often as she wishes, but for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. If necessary, you may contact me at ******* (my temporary Yahoo email) or leave a message on my cell phone or my land line (***-****)

The second draft is wordier, perhaps unnecessarily so, and I'm leaning more towards the first draft myself.


You can think anything you like and tell people what ever you want, but when it comes right down to it, I know the truth and I know the reality of what I've been living with all these years, and honestly, I think somewhere deep down inside, you probably know it too, even if you would never admit it to yourself or anyone else. I am painfully aware of the fact that my chosen method of escape is, in fact, your worst nightmare. However, I am also absolutely certain of its necessity, therefore negating my inclination to try to make this easy for you, however little you deserve it. I do hope that you can see that this particular method was not chosen out of spite or vengeance, as that is simply not my nature. It was chosen, rather, out of sheer determination to only do what is my and Em's best interests. I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. In fact, it occurs to me that if you were even capable of understanding this, then perhaps we wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place, but I guess that's something you'll have to work through on your own if you are ever so inclined. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. And my lack of love, alone, would be more than enough, I only wish that was all there was to it for all our sakes. Honestly, I'm finally doing what I know I should have done long ago, what I'm now kicking myself for not have done sooner while there was still a chance for Em to have been sparred this toxic environment, and the subsequent damage it's caused her young, impressionable mind. I've chosen to do it in this manner out of necessity given the circumstances of our dysfunctional pseudo relationship. In essence, it has become clear that this is my only acceptable choice, however horrifying that may be, yet undoubtedly true. Plus, I simply will not allow myself to be talked out of this again. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, and I have absolutely no doubt that this is what is in our best interest. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage quickly and as painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. I am 100% certain of your ability to be self-sufficient if you choose to be. You've simply never been made to before, so here's your chance. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to respect my wishes and abide by them accordingly, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, hopefully once you've had sufficient time to accept this reality and to gather control of your senses enough to keep from reacting in a way that we'll all regret. So for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. (same contact info as above)

Or... I could just say the following:

You're fucking ridiculous you pompous prick.

But, I don't guess that one would go over quite as well, huh?

I'm still not entirely satisfied with any of the versions, but I'm willing to accept that I may never be. Regardless, I'm open to suggestions if anyone would care to share, but as of right now I'm pretty certain I'll be going with the short and sweet version (and no, I don't mean option 3, you shrewd little wenches!)

Other than working on that, I've just been trying to get shit done, and doing my best to keep the butterflies at bay as much as possible. The Kashi has been banned until I can prove myself trustworthy again, whenever that might be, and the exercise has still been iffy but not completely non-exisitant. Hmmm, seems I could be doing some of that right now rather than continuing to type this rambling nonsense. Guess I'll just have to go take care of that, now won't I? ;D

12 Comments:

Anonymous jilly said...

Short and sweet is the route to go! Anything lengthier will be totally lost on him anyway. The first one says everything in a calm, reasonable, sensible and eloquent manner and contains nothing that can be held against you.

As for Em's nightmare, yes its very sad and I can't even promise she'll ever forget those "bad old days", but you mustn't dwell on a past that you're powerless to change. You've summoned up the strength and courage NOW to change Em's life for the better, and not only will that leave the most lasting impression on her, it makes you a hero!

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree, the first one is best. Although I wish he could get the 2nd letter and understand it. The 1st letter is as Jilly says, it's calm, reasonable and benign. There's nothing in it that can come back to bite you in the ass.

I could see a bit of optimism in Em's dream. At first, she came to your rescue from his abuse... then, when he turned on her, you rescued her and had him hauled off to jail. In her dream you didn't stand by and do nothing. You were the hero. On Friday, that exactly what you're going to do, be Em's hero.

10:55 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

I agree with the others, the first letter is better. I also think you should start the letter by stating VERY clearly: "I've moved out and I'm not coming back. I'm getting a divorce." If he is as prone to arguing and talking endlessly and twisting your words as you've explained in this journal - don't leave any wiggleroom for him to "not understand where you're going with this".

Be very specific, very clear and very concise when stating the important stuff:
a) you're gone
b) you're not coming back no matter what and
c) divorce is going to happen

If it were me, I would not speak to him personally during the weekend. I would read his e-mail, listen to voicemail and let him dig himself a hole (if that's what he does). Plus, by not answering immediately, you get time to figure out a mature, calm response :)

Em's dream was certainly disturbing. You can't change what's already happened, but you can change her future by taking her out of that house. And you will!

Just a couple of days now... :)

5:25 AM  
Blogger Xena said...

Ugh, my heart twists for you & Em! I just want you outta there and safe! Anyway, I agree with the other 3 - the first doesn't attack him, and that's better because #2 could make it worse. I also agree with Lisa that starting out clear and strong is going to get the message across to him immediately and let him know that you're serious. You're in my prayers - only 2 more days!

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Paulina said...

It sounds like everyone is in agreement with the short and sweet approach, adding the blunt fact that you already have an attorney, the divorce process has begun, there is NO turning back.

I am anxious for you to get the hell out of there. I don't know how you can do it, what strength you are showing! Waiting for Friday must be like waiting for Santa to arrive.

I only hope that Em can hold the anxiety/ excitement inside of her for a couple more days. Maybe she would like the opportunity to get her feelings out in a note to Bub as well? A note in her own words how she has felt, what she's had to witness, how she is going to feel, etc. What an eye opener for him!

Good luck, be safe, we're all there in spirit behind you and Em.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

I like the first one the best. I don't know that I would give him your new land line # though. He has your cell and e-mail and that should be sufficient.

The only other thing I could see to add to your letter is that he has been trying for years to mold you into the person he thinks you to be and you cannot be that person.

I'm so sorry to hear that Em had that dream but I'm sure through counseling, she'll be able to work them out and she's not going to hate your for your past behaviors.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Aunt Sandy said...

Oh, Bev.
Em will be okay. Don't worry and don't beat yourself up about it. What's done is done and you need to keep focused on the future. Head up, deep breath again.

The first letter is the one to go with. Add the statement "I am filing for divorce" and you're good to go. I agree, don't give him your land line #. Cell phone and email address are enough.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Full speed ahead.
Hugs and mega hugs,

11:23 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Well I had this whole big long response typed, and it went POOF! Basically it said this:

1. Go with short and sweet, and make it crystal clear by saying "I have filed for divorce. Em and I have moved out and we are not coming back."

2. Make sure Em tells her therapist about the dream, so it can be documented. You may need it later to settle visitation.

3. I agree--no land line number. Cell and e-mail are enough. A land line can get traced easily enough. One thing that concerns me--he might call your work number and harass you that way.

4. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING--when he contacts you, how he contacts you, what is said/done. It may be needed at a later date.

TWO MORE DAYS TO FREEDOM!

11:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I, too, agree with everyone on the first version, with the modification that Lisa suggests so there's absolutely no room for doubt as to what you're doing. And you've got some great suggestions about making sure Em tells her therapist about the dream (and you write it down), and documenting everything Bub does--I mean everything. While you may never need the documentation, if you do, you'll have it.

Only a little while more to Freedom Day! I'm thinking of you, Beverly--you're a strong woman and soon you'll be free and happy.

Sheila

1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you file for a legal separation in your state? When I went through my divorce I filed for a legal separation immediately upon my husbands moving out. This settled things like temporary custody, visitation and child support in the interim while we waited for the divorce. Have you talked to your lawyer about your plan?

I agree with the others, the first short and sweet letter is the best approach. You should give Em the opportunity to write Bub a letter expressing herself but I wouldn’t do that until you have moved and then you might not want to send it to him for a while. You need to remember that even though you will not need to have a relationship with him, she will, at least to some extent.

I am really looking forward to hearing about your first few days in your new home. Keep moving forward and everything really will be okay. Sending hugs and encouragement.

Lyn

3:26 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

you need to pat yourself on the back. You are handling this incredibly well. I agree with all posting. Number one with the additions to state concisily what you are doing. I also agree no land line number he could do a reverse look up and find you. You aren't ready for that. Em will adapt you are a GREAT mom don't forget that!!

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What everyone else said.

Number 1 is best. I agree, don't give him your land line at this point.

Number 3 is very tempting though...

4:20 PM  

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