Em's dream and my letter(s)

This morning, on the way to school, Em told me about a disturbing dream she had last night. She said we were at the movies and Bub got mad at me for not thinking to get him some snacks while getting Em some. She said he started screaming and strangling me in a fit of rage, so she kicked him to make him stop. Then he turned on her and started screaming at her and spanking her over and over and over and over and just wouldn't stop. This relentless spanking is the technique he used for breaking her will when she was younger to ensure complete obedience. It's bad enough that she remembers these horrifying experiences, but even worse that I did nothing to stop it. It's one of the many things that I will regret and be ashamed of for the rest of my life. Anyway, then she said I jumped on him and pulled him away from her and then the police came and took him to jail. There was actually more to it than that, but you get the gist. I gotta tell ya, my heart was just breaking throughout the entire recollection. I mean, good lord, what must be going through that poor little head of hers? I pulled over towards the end and just held her and tried to reassure her as best I could that everything was gonna be okay, and that it's not up to her to worry about this stuff or try to protect us, that I've got it all handled. Ya think she bought it?

So, I've been busily drafting the letter I intend to leave for Bub upon my our departure, and I have a few versions that I would love to get some feedback on if you don't mind.

The first is my short and sweet version, no explanations, just the facts. Here goes...

I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, which is what this undoubtedly is. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to adhere to my wishes, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, but not until I feel you've had sufficient time to accept this as reality and to gather enough control of your senses to keep from reacting in a way that we'd all regret. I'll also make sure Em calls you as often as she wishes, but for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. If necessary, you may contact me at ******* (my temporary Yahoo email) or leave a message on my cell phone or my land line (***-****)

The second draft is wordier, perhaps unnecessarily so, and I'm leaning more towards the first draft myself.


You can think anything you like and tell people what ever you want, but when it comes right down to it, I know the truth and I know the reality of what I've been living with all these years, and honestly, I think somewhere deep down inside, you probably know it too, even if you would never admit it to yourself or anyone else. I am painfully aware of the fact that my chosen method of escape is, in fact, your worst nightmare. However, I am also absolutely certain of its necessity, therefore negating my inclination to try to make this easy for you, however little you deserve it. I do hope that you can see that this particular method was not chosen out of spite or vengeance, as that is simply not my nature. It was chosen, rather, out of sheer determination to only do what is my and Em's best interests. I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. In fact, it occurs to me that if you were even capable of understanding this, then perhaps we wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place, but I guess that's something you'll have to work through on your own if you are ever so inclined. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. And my lack of love, alone, would be more than enough, I only wish that was all there was to it for all our sakes. Honestly, I'm finally doing what I know I should have done long ago, what I'm now kicking myself for not have done sooner while there was still a chance for Em to have been sparred this toxic environment, and the subsequent damage it's caused her young, impressionable mind. I've chosen to do it in this manner out of necessity given the circumstances of our dysfunctional pseudo relationship. In essence, it has become clear that this is my only acceptable choice, however horrifying that may be, yet undoubtedly true. Plus, I simply will not allow myself to be talked out of this again. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, and I have absolutely no doubt that this is what is in our best interest. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage quickly and as painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. I am 100% certain of your ability to be self-sufficient if you choose to be. You've simply never been made to before, so here's your chance. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to respect my wishes and abide by them accordingly, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, hopefully once you've had sufficient time to accept this reality and to gather control of your senses enough to keep from reacting in a way that we'll all regret. So for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. (same contact info as above)

Or... I could just say the following:

You're fucking ridiculous you pompous prick.

But, I don't guess that one would go over quite as well, huh?

I'm still not entirely satisfied with any of the versions, but I'm willing to accept that I may never be. Regardless, I'm open to suggestions if anyone would care to share, but as of right now I'm pretty certain I'll be going with the short and sweet version (and no, I don't mean option 3, you shrewd little wenches!)

Other than working on that, I've just been trying to get shit done, and doing my best to keep the butterflies at bay as much as possible. The Kashi has been banned until I can prove myself trustworthy again, whenever that might be, and the exercise has still been iffy but not completely non-exisitant. Hmmm, seems I could be doing some of that right now rather than continuing to type this rambling nonsense. Guess I'll just have to go take care of that, now won't I? ;D