Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I was wrong about the end of the dream. When I asked her about it just now, she clarified it for me. After I jumped on him and got him away from her, we ran away and climbed up an elaborate tree house. But on the way up, he grabbed my arm, then Em grabbed the other one and they both pulled until I split in half. Then I just melted away and she had to live with Bub for the rest of her life. I think I liked the first version better.

Here's my revised letter including the divorce statement and the exclusion of the land line # per everyone's advice.

I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as I am filing for divorce and there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, which is what this undoubtedly is. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to adhere to my wishes, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, but not until I feel you've had sufficient time to accept this as reality and to gather enough control of your senses to keep from reacting in a way that we'd all regret. I'll also make sure Em calls you as often as she wishes, but for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. If necessary, you may contact me at ******* (my temporary Yahoo email) or leave a message on my cell phone.

About the land line, I didn't get a new one, I'm just having my existing work line transferred and leaving our other (home) line for him. So the number is no real secret, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what the actual number is, so I just won't mention it.

I think I may ask Em if she wants to write Bub a letter some day as well, but for right now she doesn't want him to have any idea about her true feelings. She's ashamed of them, much as I try to convince her not to be, and she doesn't want him to be mad at her. Unfortunately, she also knows from experience that it would do her no good to express her feelings, as he would simply dismiss them and then proceed to tell her how she's actually feeling instead. It's the same principle as for why I didn't try to explain either, there's simply no point. I've already told Em that dreams like the one she had this week are something that she should talk to the therapist about, once we get that started, so she can learn to understand them and work through them in ways that good 'ol mom is just incapable of.

I don't plan on speaking with him at all for as long as possible. And for the time being, I'm just gonna follow my lawyer's advice and allow him just enough rope to hang himself with by keeping any and all messages he leaves me. I'll be filing for divorce right away cause it's cheaper and there's no point in dragging it out. I could have done a legal separation/no fault divorce, but would take a minimum of 18 months separation first, and I just want it over with. I'll have to wait for a court date to have temporary custody and visitation set, which should take 1-2 weeks. Until then there's nothing saying he can't just take off with her, unless he hangs himself with that rope like I'm hoping he will. Then I can take out an order of protection witch covers Em, and makes it so he can't just take her without legal ramifications.

Tomorrow is gonna be busy to say the least, so I guess this will be it until... after. I'll try to update just as soon as possible, as long as he hasn't killed me or something. Aack! Sorry, I suppose this is not exactly the time for morbid humor, huh? Although, I have asked my SIL to take care of Em if something were to happen, just in case, y'know? Which I'll ask my lawyer about making official on Monday when I'm filing all my papers. Anyway, to everyone reading these words, I just want to say thank you for supporting me and cheering me on throughout this difficult process. For giving me space when I needed it and allowing me to come to this conclusion of my own accord, and for reaching out with your words and encouragement when I've needed them most. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Okie dokie, here goes nuttin'....


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck. You're so brave. It's great that you're almost out of there.

Hope that the next few days go as smoothly as possible.


9:32 PM  
Anonymous Tracy said...

I have been reading your blog for ages, I just have to say that what you are doing takes an amazing amount of courage but it has to be the best for you & Em. Good Luck

11:13 PM  
Anonymous jilly said...

There's not going to be any "water tower" incidents, so stop acting like me 20 years ago! ;) I do have a burning question about his eyesight (or lack thereof) ~ will he be able to read the note? Most likely I'll call you later today for the answer. :D

I wish I could snap my fingers (or wriggle my nose) and make it Friday night so we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief! Ahhh, its so close you can taste it (and it tastes even better than that damn Kashi Go Lean Crunch!!) xox

2:49 AM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Good luck on Friday! Don't forget to tell your boss to change the name on YOUR paycheck.

Does Em know what's going to happen in advance, or are you going to pick her up from school in the afternoon and tell her then?

Let's hope everything goes smoothly. And get some of that tasty Chinese food to celebrate, whydoncha !! :)

5:18 AM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Good luck. You are going to great in this. I'll be thinking of you over the next few days.

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Paulina said...

You go Beverly!!!! I remember driving away from my house and nasty husband in N.J. for the last time in a giant Penske truck. I was heading for California, back to family and a new life. I had the BIGGEST smile on my face and joy in my heart.

He was the best 170 pounds I've ever lost!!

I got stuck in a snow storm, stranding me in a no-tell motel for three days in Washington DC, but it was nothing compared to the storm of a marriage I was leaving.
I am so excited for you and can't wait to hear that you and Em are safe and sound.

Maybe you should write your letter in giant print, all caps so that he has no problems reading it. Or, leave a magnifiying glass beside it. Are you going to write your letter inside of that journal you were supposed to keep and leave that page open for him, on a table right inside the front door?
Oh to be a fly on the wall...
God's speed on Friday.

9:46 AM  
Blogger B said...

Thanks again everyone! About the letter, yes, he'll be able to read it; I've put it in large print. His visual impairment only makes it difficult for him read, along with making driving impossible.


11:54 AM  
Anonymous aunt sandy said...

Yeaha! Git r dun!
You are so great! I know everything will go fine. Besides you have your grumpy hillbilly brother to back you up. hee hee.
hugs and kisses to youo and Em

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Sandi said...

Bev, I am sooooo proud of you. I think your letter sounds perfect. I am almost glad Em knows. kinda takes some of the pressure off.


Love Ya!
Sandi :)

12:13 PM  
Blogger B said...

Teehee, yeah, my brother's initial reaction was to just kick Bub's ass, which he'd still like to do, but I think my SIL has it all under control.

I agree Sandi, Em's so excited, she can't wait to go.


12:22 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Hey girl! Looking forward to seeing you on the other side of FREEDOM!

If you need anything, call me!


2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A new adventure awaits… Good luck tomorrow and have FUN. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.

B’Shalom v’Tzedek (Hebrew for "In Peace and Justice"), I love the sentiment even though I’m not Jewish.


3:01 PM  
Blogger Elmay said...

You are indeed an amazing woman.

Courage is acting in the face of fear and uncertainty and what you're doing epitomizes it.

Blessings to you and Em and joy in your new beginning!

8:16 PM  
Blogger Joc said...

Good luck Beverley. You and Em are in my thoughts right now.

Hope it all goes smoothly and quickly.

Joc :-))

1:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today. I hope the move went smoothly and you are getting organized in your new place.


12:09 PM  
Anonymous paulina said...

It's Saturday and I know that you might not be able to get back on line for a bit, but we are all here thinking of you. I told my husband about your blog and now he's telling people what you've been going through,and what tough character it takes to make the move you did to better your life and Em's.
We're all proud of you and waiting to hear that you're ok.

8:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hope it all went smoothly.

Just remember he is an ass, always will be an ass, so don't let anything he tries to put on you at this point shake your confidence.

You have lived with him for however many years. He will know which buttons to push. However tht doesn't make him right. No one with a brain in their heads tries to bend anyone to their will. The joy is in the pleasure that other people bring you.

5:20 AM  

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