I was wrong about the end of the dream. When I asked her about it just now, she clarified it for me. After I jumped on him and got him away from her, we ran away and climbed up an elaborate tree house. But on the way up, he grabbed my arm, then Em grabbed the other one and they both pulled until I split in half. Then I just melted away and she had to live with Bub for the rest of her life. I think I liked the first version better.

Here's my revised letter including the divorce statement and the exclusion of the land line # per everyone's advice.

I'm not going to try to explain my reasons for doing this because I know that no explanation or justification would ever be sufficient enough for you. So I'll just say this, I don't love you, I haven't for a very long time, and I'm not willing to continue pretending any longer out of some sense of obligation or implied responsibility of mine to hold your world together for you. What's now done is done, and we need only move forward from here, as I am filing for divorce and there is absolutely no possibility of reconciliation. My intention is to only do what is in my and Em's best interests, which is what this undoubtedly is. My hope is that we can work through the dissolution of this marriage as quickly and painlessly as possible, so that we can both move forward more easily with the new direction that our lives will now be taking. Now, just to be clear, I expect to maintain little to no contact with you other than what is absolutely necessary, and I expect you to adhere to my wishes, as I will accept nothing less. I will let you know where we are soon enough, but not until I feel you've had sufficient time to accept this as reality and to gather enough control of your senses to keep from reacting in a way that we'd all regret. I'll also make sure Em calls you as often as she wishes, but for now, just know that we are safe and comfortable and finally, mercifully content. If necessary, you may contact me at ******* (my temporary Yahoo email) or leave a message on my cell phone.

About the land line, I didn't get a new one, I'm just having my existing work line transferred and leaving our other (home) line for him. So the number is no real secret, but I am pretty sure he has no idea what the actual number is, so I just won't mention it.

I think I may ask Em if she wants to write Bub a letter some day as well, but for right now she doesn't want him to have any idea about her true feelings. She's ashamed of them, much as I try to convince her not to be, and she doesn't want him to be mad at her. Unfortunately, she also knows from experience that it would do her no good to express her feelings, as he would simply dismiss them and then proceed to tell her how she's actually feeling instead. It's the same principle as for why I didn't try to explain either, there's simply no point. I've already told Em that dreams like the one she had this week are something that she should talk to the therapist about, once we get that started, so she can learn to understand them and work through them in ways that good 'ol mom is just incapable of.

I don't plan on speaking with him at all for as long as possible. And for the time being, I'm just gonna follow my lawyer's advice and allow him just enough rope to hang himself with by keeping any and all messages he leaves me. I'll be filing for divorce right away cause it's cheaper and there's no point in dragging it out. I could have done a legal separation/no fault divorce, but would take a minimum of 18 months separation first, and I just want it over with. I'll have to wait for a court date to have temporary custody and visitation set, which should take 1-2 weeks. Until then there's nothing saying he can't just take off with her, unless he hangs himself with that rope like I'm hoping he will. Then I can take out an order of protection witch covers Em, and makes it so he can't just take her without legal ramifications.

Tomorrow is gonna be busy to say the least, so I guess this will be it until... after. I'll try to update just as soon as possible, as long as he hasn't killed me or something. Aack! Sorry, I suppose this is not exactly the time for morbid humor, huh? Although, I have asked my SIL to take care of Em if something were to happen, just in case, y'know? Which I'll ask my lawyer about making official on Monday when I'm filing all my papers. Anyway, to everyone reading these words, I just want to say thank you for supporting me and cheering me on throughout this difficult process. For giving me space when I needed it and allowing me to come to this conclusion of my own accord, and for reaching out with your words and encouragement when I've needed them most. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Okie dokie, here goes nuttin'....