Friday, February 23, 2007

I’ve been toying with the idea of hanging up my blogger hat for a while now. I’m sure you’ve noticed that posts have been fewer and farther between, mostly because the need to share my triumphs and tribulations has slowly left me over these months of freedom and awakening. This blog has undoubtedly served its purpose, providing an outlet, solace, understanding, support, my way out, and some pretty damn good free therapy. Were it not for this blog, I can safely say that I would still be living existing in my own personal hell. I would not have reached out to others had they not reached out to me first. I never would have been able to give a name to what was happening to Em and I, and I never would have told anyone, ever. Instead I would have quietly stayed, shrouded in shame, solitude and misery, never even allowing myself the hope that things could somehow be different. Were it not for someone dear to me unobtrusively following my plight and stepping in quietly, letting the cat out of the bag when I needed it most, well… I honestly don’t know how Em and I would have made it through this year had we spent it with Bub. In a sense, this blog saved us. It was certainly the catalyst for my opening up and eventual escape. It started out as a way to record my thoughts, so harried and scrambled in my mind. But now there is mostly calm and peace and honestly not much worth writing about anymore in my opinion. Sure, there will always be drama and special events in our lives, but quite frankly, I no longer feel that drive or urgency to lay it all out there, desperately seeking approval and validation anymore. I’m good now, I’m calmer, happier, and learning what it’s like to be me. I still struggle with my inner fat chick, I’m still a people pleaser, but these things are not new to me, and will forever be a part of me. So I’ve been questioning my reason for continuing, and I really wasn’t sure what I should do. So what did I do? I talked about it, that’s what, and out loud to boot. Gasp! Yup, I do that now, cool huh? I asked my mom for her opinion, as I now do more frequently and with greater honesty than I’ve ever done before. She’s my person as Yang would say, and I’m so grateful to have her. Anyway, she allowed me to see that not only the dramatic need be postworthy. That my boring ol’ life, calm and peaceful as it finally is, can still be postworthy, because it’s still my life. So here’s the plan; I’ve decided that this is no longer going to be the “Bub” blog that it has become, as I’m quite disinterested in allowing him to continue occupying so much space in my head. It will also cease to be a weight loss/maintenance blog, as that is no longer what defines me. This shall now be a “me” blog, boring, inconsequential bullshit and all. ;D Now, I can’t guarantee any renewed regularity in posting, but I can say that I plan on sticking around, and I do hope y’all will decide to stick it out with me.


Anonymous Jilly said...

Our little sparrow has truly learned to spread her wings and fly. How far you've flown! I'm so glad to have had the opportunity of following your journey thus far and look forward to your updates (no matter how sporadic or mundane they may be ;) You're an inspiration.

12:05 AM  
Blogger illahee said...

i love your blog, bub rant, weight loss/control or 'boring' day to day posts or not! it's really interesting to have this little view into someone else's life, especially when they let us in. hang in there, and please don't feel you 'have to' blog. do it at your pace!

12:24 AM  
Blogger C.M.S. said...

Paulina here, I don't have a blog myself, but my daughter does. We started it for her so she could express herself, needs, wants, worries, etc. Her blog has changed/evolved along with her life experience as well. I'm going to attempt to sign in under her blog with this post.

I only wish Blogs were around back when I was going through my past marriage, divorce, and all the turmoil my brain was in. I've read a lot of myself in your words.

Now regarding your last post, what a wonderful message! I am so happy for you and Em your realization that you're in a GOOD PLACE! Pat yourself on the back, you deserve it!

Thank you for letting us in. I too will look forward to your updates, no matter the content!

9:18 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Bev -

It's amazing how wise you have become. It's hard to blog when you don't feel like there is much entertainment value. I am at that place too. But we have to realize that our blog is just that...ours. You did a great job expressing that.

I check on you daily and am glad to hear that you won't be going away. (like I would ever let you anyway!)

(((HUGS))) Sandi

11:34 PM  
Blogger suziefly said...

I would miss you style of writing if you stopped. I don't have a blog but I check many out daily and not many have such a ease or lilt to their 'writing' as you. Never feel you have to write, just know when you do, all enjoy. Thank you

11:28 AM  
Blogger Luflic said...

I too am so proud of how well you are doing. Congratulation on the car selling. Whooo whoo! Just want to thank you for all the tidbits I have picked up from you on dieting. Now if I would only follow the gems of wisdom. Glad you will still post I always check on you even though I don't always respond.

2:05 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

I know I'd be sad to see you go..I love reading your updates.. You're one of my regular visits... saved right on my favorites page. I think it is so awesome how far you've come and you're such an inspiration!

Can't wait to read the "new chapter".


3:16 PM  
Anonymous aunt sandy said...

I agree with my sister. Your blog can be anything you want it to be and as you know I am not a very frequent updater either. I say whatever you want is what you should do. It is truly your life now and by gum you can do what you want!

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Dawnyal said...

Look at how much you have grown and how much you've learned of yourself. I too struggle with my blog and feel that I just don't have the umfph stuff to go in it anymore. It sometimes makes me feel like a drama queen when I don't think I am.

good for you for deciding to keep going here. I know I would miss your updates.

12:05 PM  

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