Thursday, April 03, 2008

This one's a doozey, get comfy

I’ll get to the silly boy in a minute, for now I must compose the latest saga in the ongoing Bubbadrama. New chick called me distraught, they had been fighting per usual and she told him she was leaving him. He left their trailer leaving behind a note telling her to do what she wanted with his stuff, as he would no longer be needing it. She wanted to know if I had heard from him but I hadn’t since this morning when I had declined to do several favors for him. She didn’t know where he was and assumed he would harm himself somehow. I’m not sure what she expected from me as I’ve given up the co-dependant need to save him from himself. I told her to take care of herself and not to blame herself for anything he might do. He’s a big boy; he has to learn to take care of himself.

Then came a knock on the door. He was here at my house, peering through the front door window to see if I was indeed home. I opened the door and he came in and sat down. He looked like hell. Face red, un-bathed, clothes disheveled, and eerily controlled with a distinct undertone of the chaos welling beneath the surface. When will Em be home? He asks. I’m picking her up in a bit; she has an appointment I tell him. I’ll wait then, he says. No Bub, I’m sorry but you can’t wait here, we’ll be gone for a while. When can I see her then? I don’t know Bub, I don’t think she needs to see you right now. I was sitting very still with plenty of space between us but my blood had run cold as soon as I laid eyes on him. I was scared of him, physically scared and uncertain of what he might do. I wasn’t often scared of him in this way because he never actually hit me when we were together. But today I really didn’t know what he was capable of. All I knew was that he looked unlike I’ve seen him in a very long time, if ever, and that I wanted him out of my house. He told me he had nowhere to go, no home (they were being kicked out of the trailer), no friends and that he just wanted to see Em. I remained still, heart racing and trying not to shake, wondering if I would indeed need to have him removed from my home. Then he got a phone call and stepped outside only to return a few moments later saying that he was leaving and to tell Em that he loved her. I saw him out and locked the door behind him. Then did my best not to fall apart. I called my SIL as the shakes took over and proceeded to tell her what just happened. We talked for a bit and I was able to calm down, then I left to intercept Em at the bus stop for her appt. As I drove I saw him sitting on the curb about halfway down the street with his head in his hands, presumably to catch Em on her way home. Luckily he didn’t look up as I passed and I was able to usher her into the car without him being seen. With high anxiety I managed through her appt., never letting on that anything was out of the ordinary, then we tentatively made our way back home, unsure of what I would find upon our arrival. Luckily he was nowhere to be seen and I breathed a small sigh of relief. I then spoke with new chick again whereupon she told me that he had been picked up by the police and was presently handcuffed to a bench at the station. Thank god! So fast-forward a few hours. I had told Em a few sketchy details only explaining that daddy and new chick had decided to go their separate ways and that daddy was having a really bad day. But that he was safe and in a place where he could talk to somebody and get help, and that he might be going away for a little while if necessary. She was pretty distraught about the breakup as she had grown very attached to new chick and she was worried about daddy, but she was a real trooper and she seemed to accept it without too much difficulty.

And then he called. They didn’t feel he needed to be hospitalized so he was turned loose. How lovely. He wanted somebody to talk to and apparently I’m the only one he has left. He needed to plan and get advice and figure out what to do. I was very timid and distant, wishing I hadn’t answered the phone, but I did tell him that I couldn’t be that person for him anymore. He wanted to know what new chick had told me and he wanted to give his version, but I really wasn’t interested. He wanted to know why I wouldn’t help him or talk to him and I had no real answer other than it just being something I needed to do. By then Em was bugging me to talk to him so I let her say hi. Kicking myself now for my stupidity of course, but she really wanted to talk to her daddy. It was a mess. Him explaining everything away with his usual woe is me Bubba antics. Its everyone else’s fault, he’s the poor victim here and he can’t seem to catch a break. She immediately tried to fix him and save him, taking it upon herself to make everything all better for daddy. You can come live here she tells him. No Em, mommy won’t let me do that, I have no place to go. She told him what I had said to her about what was going on with him and he immediately told her how I was lying about it and that he was ok. That he wasn’t going anywhere to get help because he doesn’t need it. He then proceeded to ream me for filling her head full of crap saying that this was just another example of why he doesn’t believe she should live with me and how I never think about how my words or actions will affect her. Yes, that’s right, through all of this he still believes himself to be the more suitable parent. And he thinks he actually has a leg to stand on when it comes to proof that my parenting is somehow detrimental to her well being. I’m still the incompetent mother that I always was. SSDD Unfreakingbelievable. Anyway, they finally get off the phone and she just flips. Absolute information overload for her young mind. She internalizes everything assuming that it is up to her to make daddy happy. And now she’s pissed at me for not helping him in his time of need and apparently lying like I usually do according to him. It was insane. I just kept reiterating that daddy has to take care of himself and that its not up to her or me to save him. That her only job was to be a kid and concentrate on school, not adult matters that she has no business knowing let alone control over. It took me forever to get her calmed down but I finally did and she’s now resting comfortably.

God I’m so sick of this roller coaster. I want off. I want her safe and stable and free of his continuous mind fucks. It has to stop. I have another consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, its time to settle this once and for all.

Now, about the silly boy. I was being an absolute fatalist, unwilling to let him become a party to this chaos. So I told him that he needed to move on. D’oh! *kicks self squarely in ass. I was feeling overwhelmed, pessimistic and frankly quite stupid. So I talked it over with a dear friend who was able to make me see the error of my ways, explaining that this one isn’t just up to me; the silly boy gets a say in this too. Who’da thought? So having been set straight I tucked my tail between my legs and talked to the silly boy about what was really going on… and now we’re kewl. All together now, a collective sigh of relief…Ahhhhhhh. Damn, does that mean I’ll have to return the six new cats? ;-)


Blogger Wien. said...

Why am I thinking restraining order here? I'm almost lacking for words because I've lived what you're going through and know the pain and confusion that can happen in both your mind as well as Em's. You're doing the right thing and if it means anything, I'm sending strong, protective mom thoughts in your direction. We have to do what we have to do to protect our children. They may hate us for it during the moment, but will thank us for it in the long run.

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto what Wien said! You can do this!!

9:11 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Wow. I am also at a loss for words as well. All I can offer is Mega HUGS!!!!

And Ditto what Wein said!

11:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I have another consultation with a lawyer tomorrow, its time to settle this once and for all."

Yes, yes, yes! Turn this matter over to others - you've got enough on your plate without having to deal with bub any longer, especially now he's becoming frightening. Your safety (and Em's) is paramount - she'll understand eventually.

"I tucked my tail between my legs and talked to the silly boy about what was really going on… and now we’re kewl."

Yes, yes, yes! Silly boy gets his say, indeed.

"insert everything Wein said here"

Yes, yes, yes! (((((hug)))))


1:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel so sorry for you.

Sometimes I think a little explanation is good for the kids.

If anything, this should make you realise it was you who held everything together for years.

You're a very strong lady!

10:33 PM  

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