Sunday, March 16, 2008

Waves white flag in defeat, I surrender. Make nice and all will be well cuz really, what choice do I have? Plenty. But none worth taking. She wants to live with him, mostly because I said she can’t I suspect. So be it. There are conditions. He must have a job, transportation and a room for her, oh yeah, and he can’t kill himself either. Mwahaa. (Snide sideways glance of indignation.) So fine, meet the criteria (snicker, good luck with that) and you both get your way. I give it three weeks tops. Its almost as if she has to put herself through this shit again periodically just to remember how bad it was. I’ve blocked a lot of it too, but at least I retain enough to remind me to keep my distance. Ahhh distance, what a lovely thought, sigh…

I’m working on getting myself disentangled from him financially, with regard to back taxes. I have filed a claim to get relief from liability of the tax debt we owe from the last time we (or he) actually filed taxes in 2001. Because I filed this claim I was able to keep my tax return this year, unlike last year when they took the whole damn thing. This year though, all is well so far. I’ll even get to partake in the stimulus package this time around too. There was one a few years ago if I remember correctly but we wouldn’t have gotten it even if we had filed our taxes. Anyway, all of this is coming in quite handy because I’ll finally be able to pay off my credit card debt (acquired while work was almost nonexistent) aaaaaand be able to afford mine and Em’s road trip out west this summer!! That’s right, we’re headed back to sunny California! But wait; hold on to your hats for this, we’re going with my brother, sil, and their THREE kids… all in one minivan. Two 10-year-olds, one 7-year-old and one 3-year-old. Teehee, this should be interesting.

I’d like to visit the silly boy this summer too, but who knows how that whole thing is gonna work out. It’s a lot to ask y’know? To knowingly invite another into this chaos. Its really not fair of me to do that to him, so I’m kinda thinking it may be better to forget the whole thing now. Even if I really don’t wanna. It would be hell though, to have another man, and a nice one at that, competing for Em’s attention. Bub wouldn’t have it, not a chance. No matter what, no other man will ever be good enough to receive his blessing as a “father figure” for Em, and he’ll illustrate his disapproval at every opportunity. I’ve been kidding myself thinking that it might be ok somehow. I should have just stuck with the cat lady idea like I was supposed to. Plus the silly boy wants kids and I simply cannot go that route again. Just can’t… won’t. This is something that I know in the core of my being and will not negotiate on. Take it or leave it baby, take it or leave it.

I must admit I’m rethinking this whole single mom, work and school full time gig I have going here. I don’t know how people do it. My writing teacher said, “they don’t have kids and they live at home with their mom’s doing their laundry.” Yeah, makes sense, hence the term “non traditional”. Too bad that category doesn’t come with free childcare and more lenient deadlines. But then again, how fair would that be? People do this all the time, I know they do, I’ve seen the success stories. Yet here I am, hanging on by the skin of my teeth wondering just what in the hell I was thinking. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have done a lot of things. Stick a fork in me, I’m done.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not done :) you're a work in progress. Sometimes things seem overwhelming and we aren't sure how we are going to make it to the other side. One small step at a time. I am always having to remind myself to live in the moment and do what I can right now. The future will take care of itself.
You shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to have more children. You know what's right for you and I commend you for being honest with yourself. Keep up the good work. Have a litle fun too!

8:00 AM  
Blogger Wien. said...

Interesting post. Is Em still seeing her therapist? If so, what is her take on allowing Em to live in an unstable environment?

Sometimes our children shouldn't always get what they want, and what they want isn't always what is best for them in the long run.

It's tough being the bad guy constantly, I know that. Think this over really, really hard. I do not know all the small details, but from what I've read Bub and his girlfriend are not the parenting role models Em should have.

You have a lot on your plate. No wonder you feel "done". Take a big breath, you've come so far, you can do it. One day at a time.

12:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I get the comments so many times with "I don't know how you do it all." And you know what? Most times I don't either. It's tough but I do it. I think now is the perfect time for you to get through school. If not now, then when? I think you are doing great.
As for Em wanting to live with him. Didn't he have a meltdown last time she stayed with him? I don't know that I would want my kids in that kind of environment but that's just me.

Like the PP, take it one day at a time. :)

1:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't wait to see all of you guys! I agree with your support group over on the left. You are doing okay.
Aunt Sandy

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your gut instincts haven't failed you yet--listen to it. Em depends on it.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Sandi said...

(((HUGS))) You do have a lot on your plate right now. But hang in there kiddo, one day at a time.

I wonder if Bub met all the requirements, if you'd really let Em go live with him. Do you think you'd really allow it. I mean it seems easy to say OK now because he hasn't met the requirements, but what if he does?

Love Ya!
Sandi :)

9:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forget the fact that Bub will never, ever meet the criteria, always keep in mind that as much as she's pushing (and children try to push the limits all the time) you and you alone are the boss and if she doesn't like it, too bad. You know, deep inside, that she only thinks she wants control. Its all part of growing up.

I'm sorry for smiling about your fear of inviting the silly boy into your complicated life. As one who was invited into such a life (need I remind you of what I willingly took on?) and is living quite happily amongst the chaos, I can only tell you not to throw away a chance at happiness - complications can be overcome. Hell, they can be embraced!

Who gives a crap what Bub says or thinks about anyone in your (or Em's) life? He's just an annoyance in the background.

Yes, your plate is full and its not easy. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. You're young and strong and will get through this and once its all over and you've graduated and reaping the rewards of your efforts you'll be so thankful you didn't give up.

But I do understand how overwhelming it can all be, so here's a huuuuuge cyber hug.


9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As someone who did give in when my kid wanted to live with the ex, my non-solicited advice is don't do it.

4:08 PM  

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