Monday, February 25, 2008

My research paper is finished. That was a learning experience not having done one since high school, well over 10 years ago. It could have been better, it could have been worse. Perhaps next time I’ll devote more time and effort… oh who am I kidding? Procrastination is my middle name. Apparently it’s a family name, *wink wink. ;-) Oh well, that’s that. I’m exhausted, my head is spinning, and I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. It seems to be three steps forward, two steps back with Em; regression typically occurring after any type of contact with Bub, go figure. It’s just too much sometimes. I wish he would just go away. Its wrong, I know, he’s her daddy, whatever, I wish it nonetheless. Perhaps then she could finally stabilize and know life without unnecessary chaos and drama. He’s doing that “he said, she said crap”. Filling her head, distorting her perception. It takes everything in me not to sink to his level and fire back “my side” of things. But I refuse, its beneath me and not healthy for Em. I simply told her that she knows me and knows what type of person I am through consistent decisions and actions. She must come to her own conclusions about what she’s heard because I refuse to defend myself or explain adult matters to her. This is, of course, why I work so hard to keep the peace. Because when I dare to cross him, well, all is fair in love and war. Shoulda picked her up and had him committed two weeks ago when he called me with his nonsense. Shoulda woulda coulda. I’m so flippin’ tired.

I went to see Vantage Point this weekend (high five to Alex, great minds think alike). I thought the incessant rewinding somewhat superfluous, but it was a fun and actiony flick regardless. As I sat alone waiting for the film to begin I noticed an unnerving desire to have someone there with me to share in the entertainment. Namely images of the silly boy were conjured as I imagined the comforting scenario. Perhaps my stoic cat-lady persona not as impermeable as once thought? I honestly never thought I’d need or want someone at my side again… never say never.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear the paper is done. That sucks about the behavior. I always hate having to "retrain" after visits. You are so right that sometimes it would be easier if that parent wasn't in the picture. Such is life.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Navigator of Life said...

Congratulations on getting the paper done. I spend my days with college students and I know what a stressful time of year this is, mid terms and all. I imagine that you have a "break" coming up soon. I hope that you can recharge your batteries.
It sucks that Bub is being "Bub". Em will see in time just how nuts his actions are and she will also see what a great mom you are. Just remember she is a pre-teen and that means figuring out to get what SHE wants. Life is all about "me" and how I can make things work in my favor for a few years. Your job will get a bit tougher as she goes through this stage. Hang on for an interesting ride through teenage ville. Keep your chin up, you're doing a great job.


3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No word from you in a while. Is all okay?

8:05 AM  

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