Thursday, July 14, 2005

Can I have a "do over", please?

I often daydream about what my life would have been had I made different choices and taken different paths. If I had it to do all over again what would I have become? I can honestly say that I would change almost everything if I knew then what I know now. I also know that the choices I did make ultimately led up to the birth of my daughter, so for that reason alone, it was meant to be. But if I could set that one thing I did right aside for a moment and have her birth somehow not be the result of my life choices, I know that I would have done everything differently. One of the most pivotal points in my life would have to be the decision I made to move out of my mother's home in CA just before high school to live with my father here in AR. That one decision, had I made a different one, would have absolutely changed my entire life. I would not be where I am today if I had just stayed there all those years ago. I left out of fear. Fear of a too big high school and the lack of acceptance I felt due to my size. I left because I wanted out of the stormy relationship I had brought upon myself with my stepfather. I was a bratty, spoiled kid who was lashing out at the man who took my father's place. I left because I needed a change and I felt the slower, rural life I was running to here in AR would be easier to handle. That's me, always opting for the easy way out. If only I had known what I was getting myself into. I ran from a bad relationship with my stepdad to an even worse one with my stepmom. Come to find out my stepdad is a really great guy, something I would have seen had I ever given him a chance. My stepmom on the other hand, well she's a whole nother story. She may be mentally imbalanced, but if nothing else, extremely overbearing, abrasive, overpowering, loud and opinionated, to name a few. I cannot explained how horrified I was to realize that the man I married was almost a mirror image of her. They say a girl marries her father, well not me. I think it's because my dad was never a real father figure, my stepmom had the authority in our house, and she always had more of a manly role than my father ever did. It's funny too, because I married so young (one week after high school graduation) in order to escape from her rule, and now I've found myself in the same type of relationship. What was I thinking?! Oh yes, I was in looooove. As much in love as any teenager can be in. I was a stupid kid, I had big dreams for our life together. I had no idea how much people change as they actually grow into adulthood. I know now. If I met my husband for the first time now, I would run screaming in the other direction. He is just not the type of person I would ever want to socialize with. How could I not see this back then? Oh yea, I was in looooooove. People should not be allowed to get married until they are 30, and only after they've lived with the person for a few years first and have had extensive pre-marital counseling. People tried to warn me, telling me to give it some time, what's the big rush to get married so young? I didn't listen, I was a stubborn kid who desperately wanted out of my house. Nobody could convince me that it was a bad choice, after all, I was in loooooove. Yes, I know, people make mistakes, especially foolish, young high school girls, but this was a huge one and there's not a damn thing I can do about it now. You can't change the past, oh but if only you could.... Mmmm, it's a nice daydream, isn't it?


Anonymous AYFS said...

Bev, you wanted a do-over; well you have it girl! And the most delicious part of all is that YOU created it!

Of course, this is being written a looooooooooong time after your original post, but hey, a do-over is a do-over! Take it no matter where it comes from or how it comes!

Karma works slowly sometimes - but Karma does its work nonetheless. Karma delivers to us its gifts when we are truly to receive them (you know what I'm referring to...)


1:42 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home