Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Should I or shouldn't I?

I seem to be struggling with my acute desire not to have others think badly of me and judge me with my need to have my own outlet to speak my mind and vent my frustrations. I've been questioning whether or not to write more about my marital situation for fear of the inevitable comments of "Run! Run like the wind!" and the basic statements that I need to get out of my crappy marriage. But I've decided that people are going to have opinions, and that's ok. I just ask that those who do decide to comment try not to judge me too harshly or quickly for staying in a situation of my own making and my own choice. Because it is my choice. I have my reasons for continuing to live this way, which have nothing to do with fear for my or my daughter's physical well being or our financial stability. I could support myself if that's all it came down to, I have no doubt about that. And I wish it were just a matter of money, because I could figure that out one way or another if it were. My reasons are deeply personal and undoubtedly valid, yet I don't feel like I can explain them accurately without it breaking me completely. I've spent many, many years creating the illusion of a normal marriage and I don't feel like I could physically endure the shame of allowing others to know the true ins and outs of my relationship with my husband. I just want to make it clear that life with him is infinitely more tolerable than he would make our lives in a separation or divorce situation. Staying is my only way to ensure some semblance of control over our lives. So my choice is to continue to keep things running smoothly in an effort to save us from a truly miserable existence, regardless of the toll it takes on me personally. I am quite aware that we deserve so much better, but unfortunately we really have no viable options at this point. So that's it, and like I said, it is my choice, so I really have no one to blame but myself. That said, I will continue to write about it here as needed because this is my only way to let off steam, but hopefully now I can freely do so with the knowledge that I will not be ending this marriage, so support and understanding of the feelings I bring up here are really all that I ask of those who care to express them. I so deeply appreciate any and all who do care to leave a comment, yet at the same time I have to remain true to myself and allow myself to write freely here without fear of judgment of condemnation.

Edit to note: I still almost didn't post this. It seems that my fear of how others see me is quite irrational, and something I am going to have to force myself to work on. I have to remember, this is my place to completely be myself, and never to censor myself based on how I think others will react. Ok, here it goes!


Anonymous Jilly said...

You already know my feelings on this subject ~ suffice to say I was in the same situation and also chose to stay in my marriage for about 8 years longer than I should have, because: (a) I didn't want to be the first/only person in the family to be a "failure"; (b) I, too, had put up a front of a happy, normal marriage and felt having "everyone" believe the fantasy was more comfortable to live with than them knowing the truth; (c) I didn't have the confidence to leave a way of life I'd become accustomed to, even though I was unsatisfied; (d) I figued he'd somehow manage to disrupt whatever new life I could make for myself; and (e) I didn't want my daughter to come from a broken home.

So, I understand totally where you're coming from and I respect your right to take the course you're taking. This being YOUR blog, I'll not say anything to discourage you from voicing your feelings, as you definitely need an outlet to vent in. I'll just say that because you feel this way right now, doesn't mean you always will. I eventually changed my thought process and successfully took a different road. You may do the same and you may not. Please know I'll support you always in whatever choices you may make (even if it breaks my heart.)

1:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Follow your heart.

11:51 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Beverly, you have my unconditional support, even as I might privately harbor some hope that your feelings about the situation and readiness to leave it might someday change. That said, I do recognize that it's a heck of a lot easier to sit on the sidelines and armchair quarterback than to actually live through another's reality. I sincerely appreciate your honesty, and want you to know that you're completely safe to share openly and freely. It's an honor to be given this gift.

*big hug*

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Val aka momof3 said...

You should definitely never have to censor what you are writing here in your own blog. Everyone has there own comfort zone and reasons for doing the things that they do. Lord knows I stayed in my marriage far longer than I should have, and for some of the same reasons Jilly said. Feeling like a failure is a big one. It really is up to you and you alone, so if staying is what you need to do now then know that you would have my total support.

2:50 PM  

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