Monday, July 18, 2005

Ok, now what?

Not being overweight anymore, after a lifetime of obesity feels so strange to me. Like I'm not quite sure how to behave or think as a thin person. Sure, I have always had this idealized notion of how a thin person should act, or how I would act if I were thin, but I'm finding real life to be much different from the fantasy. I remember, as a child, lying in bed night after night just begging to somehow, miraculously wake up thin the next morning. Blissfully dreaming of how I would dress and what other's reactions would be to the new me. I would replay it over and over, the shopping spree I would go on, and the shock and amazement of those close to me. It never even crossed my mind that the clothes may not fit correctly due to excess skin, or that people would react negatively due to their own insecurities or jealousy. Or that people would look at me in horror and say "you're too thin!" Too thin?! Are you freaking kidding me? Can't I ever be just right? Is that too much to ask? Yes, I am at the low end of the healthy weight range for my height, and I have a low body fat percentage due to daily strength training, but I am hardly underweight! I am fit and muscular, and in the best damn health I have ever been in my life. I eat 6 times a day and I absolutely love the food I eat. I don't feel deprived in the least, I just make different choices now. So why does it have to be such a big freaking deal? Maybe people just need more time to get used to the way I look now, I mean they've never known me as anything other than severely overweight, so I can understand that it must be quite a shock. But come on, it's been close to two years now since I reached my initial goal, isn't it about time we all (myself included) get used to the new me? People I meet now don't have that reaction, they just think of me as a naturally thin woman. HA! Me, naturally thin, how absurd! I've even had someone tell me that they never would have thought, in a million years, that I ever would have had a problem with my weight! I didn't even know what to say to that. My whole life has been about my weight, that's who I am. So, the question is, who am I now without the weight? I just don't know yet, and that's what I hope to figure out. It's not all been fun and roses, this journey. There is so much more to it than the number on the scale or the clothing sizes. The mental baggage I carry is just as heavy, if not more so, than the 190 lbs. of fat I've lost. The only problem is, losing the fat does not necessarily go hand in hand with losing the fat, mental baggage. That process has been excruciatingly difficult and passed much more slowly than the actual weight loss itself, and something I must say, I was completely unprepared for. No one tells you about all the mental shit that comes up or is left over after weight loss. There's no fat girl's guide to life after morbid obesity. So here I am, up the creek without a paddle, trying to figure this whole thing out. My only consolation is knowing that, at least I'm not alone. It really does make such a difference to me and lets me know that I'm ok. Because I know there are others out there like me, experiencing and feeling the exact same things.


Anonymous Jilly xox said...

Have you ever thought of writing a book about your experience and address exactly what you're questioning here? Yes, you are not alone and I'm sure there are hundreds of thousands of formerly obese people worldwide struggling with the same issues and their new identities. You're such an articulate and sensitive person ~ you could help yourself and others at the same time. Plus, in this current market of immense interest in all things weightloss, it would certainly be timely (and possibly extremely lucrative ... hmm, life-changingly lucrative if you know what I mean...). You know a 3FC book is in preparation, so why not contact Jennifer, find out the name of the publisher and submit a proposal. Its an idea, Bev...a serious one.

Okay, now I'm off to comment on your prior entries ;)

12:34 PM  

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