Friday, July 15, 2005

Time to move on

I don't much feel like writing today. I'm trying to work through some things in my head so I've been a little lost in that lately. I've got some decisions to make, resolutions to come to, acceptance of things that cannot be changed. I feel a little lost right now, stuck between knowing what's right and knowing what must be done. And acceptance of what must be done means complete acceptance. No more of this half-ass shit. I either have to be accepting of my situation and allow myself to be fully present, or unaccepting which would require action that I am not willing to take. So, that's it, the choice is clear. Now for implementation, but I'm still not ready for that yet. I think I need to allow myself to hang in limbo just a little while longer, give myself time to wrap my head around just what exactly this is gonna take from me. To gear myself up for what is to come. To daydream a little bit more about what my life could have been like, "only if". I am dejected, I have allowed this to affect me in ways that I am not comfortable with. My daughter deserves more than this. She deserves nothing less than 100% of her mom, completely plugged in and present. I cannot afford to waste any more time wallowing in self pity for what could have been. This is my life to live, and I must learn to make the best of what I have. I will get there, I just need a little bit longer.


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