Friday, August 12, 2005

May I have a few moments of mental clarity, pleeeease?

Geez Louise, I'm feeling so cranky this week! I think I'm just ready for Summer vacation to be over. I'm finding myself to be overly short tempered with my Emmy-pie, which only contributes to the strain that our clashing personalities already creates. All I can say is that it's been a long 3 months and now Mom is ready for her own, personal Summer vacation! I am also having a difficult time keeping my mind off of food, which is nothing new, just increasingly annoying. Although it appears that I've managed to keep it under some semblance of control, my obsession with and addiction to food in general (sweets in particular) has never left me, and I accept that it never will. But the day to day grind of having to deal with obsessive thoughts and planning of my food gets so old at times, it's not even funny. It's so frustrating that I can't just stop myself from this behavior, and that when I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I automatically run down a mental list of foods I've deemed safe to snack on. I guess I'm grateful that I've been able to steer my addiction in this direction, rather than falling back on the free-for-all binges of my past. But, if I've been able to renegotiate my dependence on food in this way, then why can't I seem to cure the addiction all together? I wonder what I would be free to spend all this mental energy on if it weren't constantly being consumed by food? You know, I allow myself planned treat meals every now and then, and I generally feel fine about them when I have them, but if I happen to overindulge in an unplanned way, I tend to obsess over the thoughts and compulsions that led to it, how it will affect me and what now needs to be done to compensate for it. I never just give up and say it's too late now, I've learned that lesson, thank goodness. But I also can't just let myself be ok with it, I've always got that nagging little voice in the back of my mind saying "look at what you've done, you are weak and you don't even have enough self-control to put the goddamned fork down when you know you should." I try not to beat myself up for my indiscretions, I really don't want to, but the thoughts are so compulsive that they're an automatic response, and sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it. Good grief, I would have soooo much freaking free time if I weren't so screwed up in the head!! ;)


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