Thursday, August 25, 2005

Ramblings and more ramblings

Alas, there has proven to be no permanent damage from spending a day as a SpongeBob Squarepants social outcast, whew! That little knuckle head! She said, after getting over her initial weariness, that there was really nothing to be nervous about after all and that the other kids could have cared less about what she was wearing. In fact, she even received a compliment from one of the little girls who sits next to her in class who owns a similar outfit. So, they've made plans to coordinate the wearing of said outfits again for a particular day next week so they can be "twinkies"! So, I guess my sour stomach and overall agitated state may have been a bit of an overkill after all. Geez, the crap we go through as moms! I really just need to chill out and take comfort in the fact that she's gonna turn out just fine, regardless of my neurotic tendencies!

So, I'm awaiting the highly anticipated return of The Biggest Loser and Survivor, both in September. That's right, I'll admit it, I'm a reality TV junkie! I can't help it!! I am drawn to almost anything that deals with and shows the complexities of real human drama. Even if the situations are scripted, the reactions to them are what really interest me. I also LOVE Starting Over, which I'm completely addicted to these days. They take real women with real problems and put them together in one house where they can concentrate on intense emotional therapy and educational exercises to hopefully resolve their conflicts and essentially "start over". Who needs soap operas when we've got good stuff like this on TV?? I've always enjoyed this kind of format and was immediately addicted to COPS and America's Most Wanted when they first came out, along with The Real World on MTV, which is nothing more than one giant orgy now, but it used to offer some stimulating entertainment. Hmmm, I guess the giant orgy is pretty stimulating in it's own right, but that's not exactly what I was going for there!! So, I love to watch these shows, yet I could never actually be on any of them. Frankly, I don't see how anyone can. To put your business out there in such a vulnerable state, for the whole world to see? OMG, the thought just makes me cringe! Not a lot could make me more uncomfortable than that. I guess that's why I'm so reluctant to pursue getting on one of those makeover shows. I know I said before that I was considering sending a letter to Oprah, but I've pretty much chickened out on that one. And one of my initial reactions after the Dr. Phil producer contacted me was that of utter terror, as in "holy shit, what if they actually pick me?!" My intense need for privacy and my desperate desire to "fix" what I've done to my body are battling a war within me, and I'm really uncertain which of the two I'm rooting for at this point. My usual inclination is to "just wait and see", believing that which ever is meant to be, will ultimately prevail. But I fear that in doing so, I may also miss out on some amazing opportunities that could never again present themselves. So, what do I do? What I usually do, nothing. Just bury my head in the sand and hide in my indecision. Geez, you'd think as much as I complain about my personality flaws, I'd actually strive to fix them?! But I think that maybe I'm not ready to address such deeply ingrained behaviors yet. Much like the way I was never successful at weight loss until this last time, I have to be mentally prepared for the challenge, and I'm just not to that point yet. Of course, one could also say that this is just another passive aggressive tactic to put off the inevitable. You know, the whole "if I don't think about it then I don't actually have to do anything about it" excuse. Yeah, that sounds about right, that one little sentence pretty much sums me up. Damn, what a depressing turn this has taken! Enough introspection for now, anyone have a Xanax?? ;)

2 Comments:

Blogger Dawnyal said...

I'm waiting for those 2 shows to start as well as the Amazing Race. If I could go on any of those shows I would pick Survivor. I know what you mean though about having all your business out there. I almost applied for the biggest loser but I don't think I would want America seeing my rundown trailer and have my kids labeled "Trailer trash."

glad to hear spongebob worked out in the end.

1:55 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

I pretty much watch 4 things on TV ~ CBC Newsworld, CNN, figure skating coverage and SURVIVOR (I'm terrible though, I read all the spoiler boards and know who'll be voted off). I'd love to be on Survivor (I could be the motherly sympathetic listener who's not considered a threat in the physical challenges and slips under the radar to final two). Unfortunately, Canadians can't apply and just as well seeing as I don't really want my jiggly, wrinkled bod compared to all those young models!

Interesting, you say you "usually do nothing. Just bury my head in the sand and hide in my indecision". But think about the times you didn't do that (i.e. deciding to lose a vast amount of weight and improve your health or hopping on a plane and flying hundreds of miles to meet virtual strangers). I'm sure there was indecision there, but you overcame it and value the experiences that followed, right? I'm interested to know, were there times you overcame indecision and took the plunge to do something "unusual" that didn't work out? I imagine the decision to leave Calif. and move to Arkansas was huge; one which resulted in mixed blessings (hubby ~ not so great ~ Emmy ~ great). But that was a decision pretty much made out of fear and not to pursue a dream, right? You wanted to leave because you thought you'd be an outcast as a heavy teen in CA and felt AK would be "safer" ~ so I wouldn't actually call that a decision made out of true desire. Oh man, I'm rambling here, but I hope you see where I'm going...

2:19 AM  

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