Friday, August 19, 2005

Now what?!

Here's a new one, are ya ready for this?? I think I might just be a little too thin. OMG! Did I just say that? WTF is too thin to a one time 320+ lb. woman? But I'm afraid it's true. Not too thin in actual pounds mind you, just in appearance. I actually consider myself to be a very healthy weight for my height and body type; 5'8" 130 lbs. medium/large body frame. But I appear to be underweight, and I don't like that one bit! Some of my bones are protruding, especially in my upper body like the collar bones, chest, shoulders, etc. And I feel self-conscious about it, making sure not to wear clothes that reveal too much in these areas. Good grief, with all the covering up I feel I need to do maybe I should just invest in a Burqa and be done with it! I just want to look as fit and healthy as I feel. So, what's the cause of this unhealthy appearance? Well, a few things. For one, it's that goddamned skin again. I think the skin's weight is what is keeping my body weight in a healthy range, but if it were removed I think I would actually be underweight. Another thing is that I think my body fat percentage is much too low, which I really don't get because IMO I eat sooooo much food, and have been making a conscious effort to add more fat to my menu. I mean, I am eating all the time, and I'm always left full and satisfied. I guess it's just that I really do eat clean most of the time and I must have really kicked my metabolism into high gear with the frequent meals and everyday weight training and exercise. So because of this I just have no padding between my skin and bones, and quite frankly, it looks terrible! People have been telling me that I look too thin, and I've gripped and complained about their incredulous comments, telling myself that I am technically at a perfectly healthy weight, so they have no justification for concern. But, in all honesty, and I hate to admit this to myself, they are right. I just don't look healthy. So... now what to do? Well, put a little weight on that's what. HA! You must be freaking kidding me! Put a little weight on, puhleeze! After a lifetime of disgust with the extra pounds of fat on my body, after a few years of blood, sweat and tears to take them off and keep them off, how could I possibly make a conscious effort to purposefully gain more weight? That goes against every fiber in my being. Just the thought of it terrifies me to my very core. Put a little weight on? Yeah, that's exactly what needs to happen. Holy shit, what am I gonna do??


Anonymous Jilly said...

Yeah...that is a scary concept, actually WANTING to put weight back on..eek. However, it would be a different kind of weight ~ not that gained from eating junk, but from eating much the same as what you consume now ~ just more of it. Its not like you're going to suddenly turn your back on everything you've been doing for the last 3 years and start to pig out. No, you'd gradually add a bit more to your usual fare. Eating more of the healthy stuff you're eating now will result in the sweetest kind of weight gain; that which is reflected in shiny hair, glowing skin and a little of that padding you need for comfort. Do you remember how you felt 15 or so pounds heavier? Was it a more comfortable weight and less "boney" feeling? If I recall correctly, you were 140lbs. when I saw you in Chicago (I know I saw you reduce your weight stats at least once or twice after that). Did you feel more comfortable then? You looked great (fit, healthy and happy) and I didn't notice any dramatic "jutting".

I'm sure you could gain some weight gradually without changing your regular routine much, just slipping a little extra fat in here and there. Now isn't a couple of snacks like peanut butter on toast less scary than the prospect of "losing control" and going on an ice cream covered in caramel syrup? Do it dear, it'll be good for you.

7:04 PM  

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