Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Lettin it all hang out.

Wow, did I ever just get reamed. The lectures seem increasingly nitpicky, or perhaps I just have less patience for them now. So what was my crime tonight? Well, it seems I was once again not affectively communicating because I offered my opinion on the validity of two opposing points and admitting that I couldn't decide which was better, rather than choosing one of the points or simply stating that I would need more time to decide. Apparently I was being vague and he was seeking a decisive answer regardless it's validity. He says one of my biggest problems is that I don't listen. I disagree, it's not that I don't listen, I just interpret what he says differently than he does. I don't think he understands that not everyone thinks the way he does or filters information the same. But what makes this a problem is that he believes everyone should, and they're wrong if they don't. He says he's trying to teach me how to communicate effectively because I have such obvious problems with it. But I don't feel like I have trouble communicating with anyone else, it's just him. He says he's so tired of rehashing the same issues over and over again because I never learn, and just do the same things time and again. He's tired! OMG, he has no concept of what tired of this shit is. I can't re-wire the way my brain works even if I wanted to. But if I'm ever going to be able prevent the lectures, then I'm gonna have to. How do you stop your automatic responses and change them to fit a totally foreign perspective? And if I can somehow manage this, then what will be next? It's always something, something that I just do wrong and need to fix if I ever hope to be a productive adult worthy of respect. I'm sure he thinks I'm so inferior since I can't seem to process even the simplest thoughts and concepts. He seems to have such a distorted idea of who I really am, but that's really my fault because I don't bother to correct the misconceptions. I figured out a long time ago that once he has something in his head, there is no changing it, so what's the point of trying? But by not trying I've become this totally different person to him, a weak, stupid, selfish woman, all because I don't have the ability to change his perception. I honestly don't stand a chance in a debate against him, he argues every single point until there is no other option than compliance or concedance. And once he has that he holds me to it. When I do finally concede the point I am expected to be totally on board with it and if I express any feelings to the contrary then I am wrong, dishonest, disloyal, selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate... pick one you like because he can prove any of them to be true. And you know what really gets to me sometimes? His ability to argue his point is so powerful that I actually find myself agreeing that these things must be true of me. How else could I explain my actions if they weren't so? I have actually caught myself thinking that maybe I really am a bad wife, mother, person because he's just so damn convincing. I wish I were stronger, but then again if I were, wouldn't it be worse? Wouldn't we be butting heads non-stop if I could actually argue back rather than just giving it? How could it not be worse?

I'm feeling extremely compelled not to publish this post, it's just too open and honest, and I NEVER allow others to catch a glimpse of the life I really live. But that's what it's here for. This is my space to be me and I have to get it all out somehow or it will totally consume me. So... here goes nothing.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Jilly said...

I can understand your frustration living with someone who sees only black and white and can't even understand the concept of there being shades of grey in life. What I'd like to know is how these self-important and manipulative bullies get the idea that their opinions mean so much – talk about misguided confidence.

If his power over you is such that you really don't feel you can speak to him about how he makes you feel, how about writing it down and leaving it for him to read? It seems you never even get a chance to get your point of view across verbally before he jumps down your throat, so if he's faced with words on paper (without you there to berate) perhaps he'll finally see how his treatment is affecting you and understand that he has many, many misconceptions about who you are. You write so eloquently...who knows, maybe it could work. I guess you'd have to be a bit more careful with your words and take such an adversarial stance, but something along the lines of your post here is what I'm thinking. You'd have your say and what's the worse that could happen? I say go for it (unless you fear physical harm from him, which is something you've never even hinted at, so I trust that's not an issue).

10:25 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Sounds like he needs to be a lawyer if he's not already.

I agree with jill that you write so well on here that maybe leaving him a note would help to get your point across if not at least make him aware that you can communicate.

11:51 AM  

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