Sunday, August 14, 2005


I seem to be in better spirits today. We are on official countdown to the first day of school. T -5 days and counting. I still have to pick up the last few piddly things I've yet to purchase from her ever increasing school supply list, along with the girly pink backpack she has all picked out. This next week will be a busy one, filled with such events as a school open house Monday evening to meet her new teacher, one last hoorah with her little friends on Wednesday, a hair appointment one of the days this week for a desperately needed trim, and various other little errands, not worth mentioning.

Whiskers is still behaving herself nicely, although she has begun to test us a bit to see what she can get away with. Nothing major, just jumping up on the kitchen counters and table, and trying to peek into the trashcan for tasty little morsels she can slink away with. Each offense being met with a firm, "No, no Whiskers!" and either help down or a "good girl" and an ear scratch if she does it on her own accord. I've still yet to find things in disarray after having the house to herself either at night or while we've been out, so I have to say, I am quite pleased. I do believe she is going to work out very nicely here, and has thus far made a remarkably easy transition into our family. The kittens are all doing wonderfully, and Emmy and I just can't get enough of their sweet little faces. I am a bit worried about Whiskers though, she's been having some diarrhea and vomiting off and on since we brought her inside, so I'll be contacting the Vet on Monday to see if they have any ideas or suggestions.

We spent some time yesterday watching old home movies from when Emmy was a toddler, one's that I haven't seen in quite a while. I have to say, it was more than a little shocking for everyone (myself included) to see me heavy again. My daughter couldn't get over the difference since she only has very vague memories of how I used to look. What's even more shocking is to think that I had gained an additional 60-75 lbs. on top of what I weighed in that video! How is that even possible? But, aside from that, we had a lovely time reminiscing over her baby years, and enjoying full belly laughs at her undeniable cuteness. I really can't believe my baby is about to be eight, sigh...

On a more serious note, I'm starting to believe that I've been cycling through what I perceive to be mild bouts of depression lately. I've always been one to get down at times but never so often or to such extent. I've noticed that it's starting to affect me in ways that I'm not okay with; lethargy, excessive moodiness, some feelings of hopelessness. Nothing extreme, mind you, and absolutely no reason for alarm, I'm just feeling a little more blue than I'm accustomed to. Of course, I have no doubt about the source of my feelings. It is completely obvious that I am having a hard time dealing with the state of my marriage, and the fact that I still need to accept it for what it is and learn to make the best of it. I've been allowing myself to remain immersed in my resentment for a life and marriage I didn't expect, rather than moving forward and embracing what I do have, like I know I really should. If I can just manage to make that leap from wishing I had done things differently to owning the choices I did make as my own, then maybe I'll be able to make that move forward. It's the only way I'm ever going to be able to let it go, and hopefully find some contentment and happiness in this life. I've always found it veeeeeery difficult to get past the "what if's" and "if only's" in my life, and this is certainly no exception.


Anonymous Jilly said...

I have a lot of catching up to do, but I've skimmed through enough to make a few comments :)

That's exciting news about hearing from the Dr. Phil producer! I'm sure these shows take months and months of planning, so don't be too disappointed if it takes awhile for them to get back to you. It'd be so awesome to see you on the show and let everyone in "TV land" see a true success story!

Glad to hear Whiskers (with kittens in tow) has stopped straying and decided your home is her home. I know you've decided to keep Whiskers, but will it be difficult to let the kittens go?

I can imagine it would be a bit of a shock seeing your "old" self in those home movies. As much as Emmy has changed and grown over the years, you've changed and grown in a different way. I hope it really brought home to you what a remarkable feat you accomplished.

I'm concerned about your bouts with "blueness". Although you feel its mild right now and nothing to be concerned about, I want you to promise me you'll keep an eye on the situation and take some action (whether medicinal or therapy) if it feels like its getting out of hand. You just can't fool around with that sort of thing. I could make a few comments about the source of much of your depressive feelings, but then I'd be going down a path you've asked me not to take with you again (for the time being, anyway) :)

P.S. I'm betting there's quite a few other devoted mothers out there who are counting down the days until school starts, ha!

1:01 PM  
Blogger Luflic said...

Hey girl you know I come in here and lurk and you haven't posted now for two days. Miss your views of life.
Hope you got your school shopping completed for Emmy.
Enjoy your success! You are an inspiration for me!

1:26 PM  

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