Thursday, August 18, 2005

First my thanks, then...tomorrow's the big day!

Wow, I can't believe I laid it all out there like that last night. Thank you Jilly and Dawnyal for your non-judgmental comments, it really helps to boost my confidence about creeping out of my comfort zone again in the future. Sadly, while I think it's an excellent idea and have considered it before, I think it may be too late to try writing a letter. In doing so I would have to admit to years of dishonesty about who I really am and all the times I've agreed to something I didn't really believe just to put an end to something. This is a point he would never be able to let go of. It would be held against me and thrown in my face at every opportunity. It would also be used as yet another tool to prove his points about my perceived personality problems. It is an idea though, and one that I promise I will not totally dismiss. I just know that I'm not ready for the aftermath of what a letter like that would bring at this point.

Also, for Jilly, I just want you to know that there is absolutely no threat of physical danger, that's never been an issue. Although, at times, I kind of wish it were, if you can believe that. Then, perhaps, I would have some perceivable justification for wanting to put an end to this train wreck.

Now, enough of that unpleasantness. Tomorrow is the big day, the first day of third grade! We've been busily filling out school forms, picking out the perfect first day of school outfit, making sure all supplies are safely tucked away in her new backpack so they won't be forgotten in the blur of our morning rush. Lunch must be packed, shower taken, nails painted, (how could we forget that?? ;)!) clothes laid out, and then off to bed early tonight to account for all the required beauty sleep! Whew! I can't believe Summer is over. It's going to be so eerily quiet here now, no SpongeBob SquarePants softly playing in the background, none of the incessant chatter of her dolls while engrossed in some make believe world, no impromptu hugs and kisses "just cause", at least until she's home for the day. But that's beside the point, I've been able to get them whenever I want, and now I'll have to wait. Sigh... It's funny how eagerly I was looking forward to this day, and now I'm almost dreading it. But alas, that is just my immense dislike of change rearing it's ugly head once again. We will adjust, we always do. I'm just so grateful I have the opportunity to stay home with her during these times. I feel like we have a connection that I didn't get to experience with my own mother, and I hope she feels it too. Just to know that I am always here for her at any given moment, hopefully is an enormous comfort to her; I know it would have been for me. I sure am gonna miss my girl. :( Hmmmm, I think I'll go tell her so right now!


Blogger Luflic said...

You say you are afraid he would say you have been dishonest for years.... Well have you been? Or have you grown and changed into a mature woman? Our ideas and thoughts are constantly realigning and adjusting that is what makes us dynamic. Can you broach this subject this way???? Just a thought. Also in one of your previous posts you mentioned that your husband is blind. Perhaps he is reacting this way because of his own insecurities. Your weight before might have made him feel very secure and now that you are a thin woman he might be harboring fears of loosing you. Just my rambling thoughts.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Jilly said...

Luflic makes some really valid points to consider.

Yes, on to happier things! I'm sure you will miss your little missy, but I agree its wonderful that you've had the opportunity to work at home and reap the benefits of being with her all summer. I grew up in a different generation where it was considered odd if a mother worked outside of the home and I often wonder if the societal change has had an adverse affect on mums and kids.

But please don't even intimate that summer is over ~ I'm not ready to think about cold winds and snow underfoot! Don't you find once the kids go back to school it seems like Hallow'een comes so quickly and then next thing you know its Christmas?!

11:09 AM  

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