Friday, September 09, 2005

Bah humbug!

I used to dream about how life would be perfect if I just wasn't fat anymore. Or about how all my problems would be solved if I could just win the lottery or something. If only this were different, if only that were different, life would be great. Life would be great. But these "things" do not make a great life, only I can make a great life. You see people who look like they have it all, perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, etc. And I guess some people really do have it all, or believe they do anyway, (which is all that really matters, as long as they believe it, right?) but the truth is, most of these people are probably putting on a show, just like me. And thinking to themselves, "Wow, so and so really has it all. If only this were different, if only that were different, my life would be perfect too." Or maybe we all know it's really just a facade, yet we go around pretending we don't see the truth because that's what we're "supposed" to do. And most people, if you call 'em on it, will deny it to the hilt. "Nooooo, everything's perfect! (Why do you ask?!!! How are you seeing straight through me?!!!) Perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect job, etc., whaddya talkin 'bout?! (Is it really that obvious?!! What am I not doing a good job of covering up?!!!) Hmmm, I'm in a funk, (as if it wasn't obvious) it's been a bad couple of days and I'm dwelling on my "only if's" today. I don't even know how to explain what it takes to get through a day (especially the bad ones) with Bub (DH). I call him Bub, as in "Bubba". Not that this was ever his name or even a nickname, just something I've always called him for some reason. I'm sad that I'm now having to teach Em how to deal with him so she can avoid setting him off too. She doesn't deserve this. She sees that not all daddies are like hers, and often wonders why hers has to be the way he is. That just breaks my heart, what the fuck am I supposed to say? I just wish she had a stronger mommy that could be a good role model for her. I so want her to be a strong, independent woman who can take care of herself and not take any shit off a partner who claims to love her. But how can she ever learn that without an appropriate example to follow? Like I said, she deserves better than this.

We've lost another kitten and a third is veeeery ill. Even after a late night run to the emergency vet clinic a few towns away, we have no idea what is causing them to die. We had Whiskers tested for feline leukemia and feline AIDS (I didn't even know there was such a thing!) as a possible cause for the kittens' premature demise, but both tests came back negative, thank goodness!! And yesterday we took the sick little kitten to our regular vet, but we still didn't get any answers there. He gave us some antibiotics because he thinks it might be some kind of viral infection, but he's just not sure, and he gave her some fluids to help re-hydrate her as well. He was literally shocked when we said she was looking better now than she had been previously. And none of us know if the poor little thing is gonna make it or not, but we are hopeful since it really does seem stronger now.

My Grandma (my favorite dirty joke connection) has been admitted to the hospital. Initially they thought it was gall bladder probs, but have since discovered that it's an infection in her pancreas. She had been unable to keep anything down for several days and was severely dehydrated, but she is a stubborn old broad and didn't want anybody fussing over her, so she allowed it to get more out of hand than I think she intended. She is doing better now, but will have to remain hospitalized until the infection has cleared up. Then she may possibly face a brief nursing home stay while she fully recuperates. Now let me just explain, this is one fiercely independent, no nonsense kind of lady, and in excellent health for her age. So the idea that she may need nursing home assistance is, well... startling to say the least. I think the realization may have just hit me that my grandma will, in fact, not live forever. Of course, I knew that, but just haven't thought about it much til now.

Damn, what a sucky post. But tomorrow is a new day, and this too shall pass.


Anonymous Jilly said...

((((Beverly))) Sometimes its so difficult when you want to comfort someone and you can't give them a nice big hug because you're a thousand miles away...

I played that "everything's just honky dory" game too and you're probably right about even the most successful people not having perfect lives. But I hate for you to give up trying to make your own "if onlys" ~ you've done wonderfully with the weight thing, so you know you've got the capability to improve your life. I know, I'm not supposed to go there and I'm not nagging...I'm just trying to make sure you never lose hope, because I think one day it'll "click" just like the weight-loss and you'll take some action all on your own. Don't ever say you're not a good role model for Emmy. Everything you've written in your blog to date defies that statement!! If anything, she'll likely make different choices and not continue the cycle...

Hope the kittens can be saved and that your feisty grandma keeps on fighting!

8:49 AM  

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