Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I agree Jilly, I don't think the comments from any of you thoughtful, wonderfully caring people were out of line, some were just a little difficult for my delicate ego to handle. But, overall, I value and cherish each of the individual insights into the craziness that is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm still doing good about speaking up when I feel he's being inappropriate or insensitive. I think it's catching him off guard since I usually never say a word, and just take what I perceive as insults to my intelligence. So he's being a bit defensive at first, but then we are able to discuss it honestly. I think it will be just a matter of time until he is able to fully appreciate the effort I am making to effectively communicate with him. Which will, hopefully, make him more receptive to my point of view, and generally easier to get along with. **fingers crossed!**

So, I'm at a local consignment shop, which I regularly frequent, yesterday, trying on some different tops, (momma needs some more long sleeve shirts if she's ever gonna make it through this winter!) and as I stand there in front of the full length mirror, I catch a real, honest glimpse of myself. I dunno if the lighting was different or what, but things were not looking pretty! I've never before realized just how much the veins in my arms stick out of my skin! They looked like one of those freaky, ripped body builders, you know how their veins are just sticking out all over the place? (I also noticed that I now have varicose veins on the back of my calves, which was a total bummer!) Anyway, it looked naaaaaaaasty! Now, I'm not meaning to be overly critical of myself, but damn, you shoulda seen this! All I could think is that I reaaaaaaly need to get a little more padding under my skin. I know I've said before that I think I need to put a few pounds back on, and I have been making a conscious effort to eat a bit more, especially good fats, in order to fill my skin out, but I guess it's just not working. God, I can't believe I'm complaining about needing to add a few pounds, surely the earth must have spun completely off it's axis! But seriously, my skin looks too thin, and I'm afraid that I appear unhealthy, which is certainly NOT the type of role model I want to portray to my daughter or others. But I definitely think it's because my body fat % is too low. I also think that's the culprit because I haven't really been menstruating normally since right before I reached my goal weight. Well, let's be honest here, I haven't had a period at all in at least a year, and only had a few the year before that. *I know, I know, please don't yell at me too badly here* Truthfully, I've kind of enjoyed not having to mess with a monthly cycle, and would be perfectly happy never having one again. Even though I have absolutely no sex drive whatsoever, but c'mon, who would really be in the mood for that around this place anyway? I do know that I must have really screwed something up, and that I need to get it checked out. But since we have no medical insurance, and money has been almost nonexistent, I've been using that as an excuse for not going to the doctor for way too long now. I wonder if losing that much weight could have sent my body into such a state of shock that it caused an early menopause? It's got to be either that, or the low bf% thing, maybe a combination of both? I'm just worried that people are gonna think I'm anorexic, 'cause that couldn't be further from the truth, I eat like a freaking horse! Just leave it to me to screw this poor body up even more than I thought possible! You know what, wait a minute! There I go again, thinking negatively and blaming myself for everything. I didn't do this on purpose, it was never my intention to mess up my cycle or to get to such a low body fat percentage, so why am I blaming myself? That damn little voice in my head, that says everything is my fault, is getting really freaking old! There really is something to be said for positive self-talk, and I definitely need to practice more of it!

Anyway, I know I've got it coming for this little revelation about my cycle, so bring it on ladies, as I've got no acceptable excuses for this one, whatsoever. I'm ready for ya!!


Anonymous Jilly said...

Well, I'm not going to come down too hard on you for not visiting a doctor, because:

1. I'm going out of town and I don't want my last post for awhile to be a reaming; and

2. I don't blame you, I blame your government. Coming from the land of socialized health care, where one can visit a hospital, doctor's office or walk-in clinic without charge, I can't even imagine people having to "save up" so they can have their (and their kids) health checked! Sure, our taxes are higher, but the peace of mind that comes with our system is invaluable (sorry to go into a political tangent here).

BUT, seeing as bub is now fully employed and providing a better family income than in the past, there's no excuse to procrastinate, my dear, and I trust you'll be making that sorely needed appointment SOON!!

The second paragraph of your entry makes my heart sing ... you seem to be making progress by leaps and bounds **fingers, toes, eyes crossed**

Take care and I'll be expecting to hear of a planned doctor's appointment when I check back in next week. :D (If you happen to be watching Skate America coverage on the weekend, I'll be the one in the stands with the red maple leaf painted on my face :)

6:48 PM  
Blogger Dawnyal said...

Yeah for still communicating. That is a big step. As for your cycles (you who told me to go visit the doc) should check out your local health dept. Not sure what it is under in your neck of the woods but it should be based on income to go in and see them. I think at 1 point I paid under $3 for a PG test and that's the most I've ever had to pay there. Usuually we qualify for the free visits.

As for you wanting to put a few pounds back on, have you considered drinking slimF@st, Ensu®e, or something like that with your meals. Just 2 of them a day would add about 440 calories for you. That way you aren't compromising your healthy eating by trying to cram in more food and they are easy to give up later on.

1:48 PM  
Blogger B said...

Duh! Smacks head! Why didn't I think of going to the Health Dept. before? I wonder if we would still qualify now that Bub's got a good paying job?

Also, I never would have thought of just adding a Slimfast or something, what a good idea! Especially those new low sugar/high protein ones. I may just have to check into that, thanks!


2:44 PM  
Anonymous Jeanette said...

Dawnyal is on the right track with the shakes. Another good brand is Pria, made by the Powerbar people and formulated for women. They are 170 calories and 13 g of protein. I use them a couple times a day for snacks.

I'm glad you are getting your gynie exam. I've been through alot of gynecological stuff in the last few years. I'll gladly sacrifice some temporary discomfort for peace of mind knowing my mommy parts are healthy.

Good for you for standing up to your husband too. You are one tough lady!! :):)

3:46 PM  

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