Friday, October 14, 2005

Thank you.

I won't stop, I can't, I need this outlet too much for that. So I am here, but just so you know, I'm going to be taking some time to reflect a little and to work on something a bit more pressing, IMO. Now, I know what you're thinking, but I promise I'm not using this as an excuse to run and hide. Although, to be honest, that was my initial reaction, which, to anyone who reads this blog regularly surely must have expected. My first thought was, well that's it, I can't possibly write about my situation here at home anymore, but only because of my intense fear of others thinking poorly of me. It kills me, makes me physically nauseous to think that others are disappointed in me, or in some ways view me as a bad person for my choices and actions. My inability to accept criticism or judgment controls me in so much so that I've even used it to manipulate all of you into suppressing your own views and opinions as a condition on my willingness to share my life with you. For that, I am truly sorry, it was unfair and unreasonable, and I will not allow it to continue. But please just promise that you'll continue to be gentle with me though, k? A girl can only take so much!! ;D I have actually since gone back and re-read the comments from my last entry, because I didn't want my initial reaction to cloud my judgment or make me miss some valuable advice and caring support, and for the most part, the comments are not, in fact, overly critical. Quite endearing rather, knowing that they are only meant to help and support me and Em with what we are going through. So, what I really want to do is thank all of you for caring enough to voice your opinions in spite of my selfish request for conditional support. I may have felt some of the comments were a bit harsh, but only because of my aversion to criticism of any sort, yet none were untrue, and I can accept that. I do have a lot I intend to say about my situation, actions, and choices, as well as the responses I've received from all of you, in fact, I've already started a draft of it, and I will be posting my response soon enough. But for now, I need a little time, perhaps just a few days, as I am currently in the process of forming a letter to Bub, that (for now) I intend to actually give to him. It started off as just a few issues I wanted to address, but has turned into much, much more. And I just hope that I don't allow the implications of what I'm going to put in this letter overwhelm me, and prevent me from finishing it, and actually giving it to him. As you all know, this really scares the shit out of me, and I'm not sure if I'll actually be able to go through with it or not. But, for now, I must take some time to concentrate on this letter, and I promise I will be back, as my work here is not nearly through.


Anonymous Jilly said...

Beverly, this has to be one of the most positive entries you've ever made and I'm so damn proud of you! I truly feared you'd run (duck and cover, so to speak), but instead you confronted your fear of criticism, fought your initial response to some of the comments, and accepted that tough love can sometimes be the most caring. That in itself is quite a breakthrough!

Moreso is the idea of you writing to Bub. I know you'll present your case in a calm, clear and concise manner without hyperbole or hysteria. Obviously something has to happen to put this family on a better course and he needs to know how you feel before any headway can be made. Who knows, maybe he and the family as a whole would benefit greatly from marriage/family/personal counselling (where he'd be forced to listen to your concerns and likely be surprised to learn from the counsellor that you're not the only one who finds him totally unreasonable). Take all the time you need, but make sure you come back and let us know how everything goes (and I, for one, will promise to be gentle with you ;)

6:45 PM  
Anonymous PawPrint said...

Beverly, what a wonderful entry! I, too, was afraid we'd never see you post again, and I was so happy to read what you wrote. You are my hero for confronting something that is so difficult for you. Whatever happens, people will be here to support you.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Another Crazy Girl said...

I've been checking your blog several times a day, just waiting for your response and to make sure you would come back. As I stated before, I'm new to your site but feel like I know you through your words. I was scared that you would hide away from the world again. I'm so happy you were able to step back and look at the comments in an objective manner.

A fear of other people's judgements is stifling. It's awesome that you are taking control of your life and you are starting to make decisions based on what YOU need and what YOU want and saying things out loud even with your fear of other people's opinions. I told you that you were brave and strong ;)

11:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your post is very brave! I highly recommend reading The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverley Engel... you will relate to it a great deal. Good chapters on staying vs. leaving, and building support for yourself. Take care!

6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The LAST THING I wanted to do was to make you even think of "running and hiding" from us. I honestly was not trying to be critical. I'm so sorry you interpret it that way. I apologize for responding so strongly. I know leaving an abusive marriage takes all kinds of courage. Stay with us!!

1:31 PM  

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